Suicidal Staff Members?

sabrina

Patron
I still have issues

I was raised in the cadet org from age 4 to age 13, when I joined the S.O. I was in the S.O. untill I was 20 and left, but I have been battling a whole bunch of psychological issues since then. I'm searching for help, so if anyone can point me in the right direction, let me know.

As I said I joined when I was 13, and went on the TTC until I was 15, I then went on post as an examiner. I remeber my dad being kicked out(declared) when I was 15, up until that point we had a great relationship. He did screw up royaly and had an affair with an underage girl, so i understand their response of cutt all ties, but he was a good dad to me. So I cut all ties to him, and went about my business in the S.O., than my mom dies when I'm 16 of cancer that was too advanced to cure. My mom Syma Zimmer was also in the S.O. for about 20 years before she passed. Ok, then I get turned over to a guardian in the S.O. and keep doing my work. I had maybe a half a day to grieve about my mom passing, and no time to grieve when my dad was kicked out. Still I was young and full of life, and things went on, ocassionally wishing I could talk to my dsd now and then. I eventually met a boy I really liked, who was also in it when I was 17. We eventually got married, but he wasn't commited, so he left back to California, and left the S.O. I was not told by anyone that he was leaving, he was on the RPF at the time he wanted to get out, so it was easy for him and everyone else to lie and say "he's getting through the program, nothing is wrong". I found out the night he flew back, by a friend of mine, who had some inside information. I flipped out. I went off on the security guards, and that's when the depression settled in, I started feeling like no one else would want to date me, I wasn't sure if I was over him, I couldn't talk to him, though I desperatly wanted to face to face. So I knew a few months after he left I was unhappy, and I knew noone else compared to him there, so I finally started to introvert, and start making myself create this facade, so noone would think anything, was wrong, I felt I just needed time to figure out how I wanted to leave, and in fact if I did really want to leave, before saying anything. So several months went by, and I remeber the sleeping disorder set in right about that time, because I was stressed all the time, for months on end. Plus I decided to go vegetarian aroung the same time, I guess it was the only thing I felt I could control in my life. I remeber watching my health diminish, I couldn't jog anymore, my back started to hurt allot. So eventually I spoke up and got out of there, but I had been there for 2-3 years faking my every move, and I was numb emotionally and physically. I trained myself to not feel, and if I didn't feel they couldn't see my emotions, or that I wanted out. Now to this day I have severe insomnia, I have bad cramps, I still can't jog otehrwise my back hurts, I get depressed, and find myself in relationships with guys just because they're company, and because I'm afraid to be alone, I actually can't sleep, and get very nervous when I'm alone. I don't know what to do. My hair has been falling out for about 4 years now. I am never quite happy. I have big dreams, but physical and mental blocks are always present. I need help!!!!!
 

Mary

Patron with Honors
Good God!, Sabrina, my heart goes out to you love.

I have a daughter about your age in the Sea Org - I worry about her so much.

I don't know what I or other members of this board can do to help, but
please know that you are most definately not alone in how you feel.

The way you were treated is utterly inhuman and suppressive by any standards.

I do hope that from now on you will stand up for yourself and not let anyone give you a hard time and don't tolerate any more of that b****t.

Thank you very much for having the courage to speak out and letting others know what really goes on. As public I had no idea how badly the staff were treated. Had I known, I would have left much sooner and certainly would never have allowed my daughter to join the Sea Org.
 

Royal Prince Xenu

Trust the Psi Corps.
Sabrina, that is a horrible story, and with the health I've endured all my life I can really relate to putting up the facade that everything's ok, when inside you're a completely rotten mess.

Even without $cn to mess things up, that was the life I was living from 4 onwards: Never quite able to keep up with other kids my age, bright as the Sun one day, dim as a flat battery the next, and always pretending that you're ok, there's nothing wrong.

No one understands, or cares. You become hard hearted, and your best weapon becomes your tongue. You cut people down even when intending to be friendly. You don't know who to trust. Hell, you don't even know if there IS someone you can trust.

What you have described is severe anxiety--never sure what's going to happen next, always coping with too much "randomity". I should have kept the alarm clocks that have been hurled across the room because they woke me up when I desperately needed sleep. They would make an interesting and large collection!

You are the center of your own universe. Forget trying to find guys until you've found yourself. The org strips away your sense of self. "No case on post." Stats, stats, f'g stats. 2 hours libs on a Saturday night to cram in a week's washing and maybe squeeze in a distracting video if you're very lucky. It's a long slow process, but out in the real world, find yourself first. That's one of the reasons boards like this were set up.

I don't know what country you're in, so I can only be generic. I was lucky, I found a doctor who put me on a drug called Alprazolam (that's its real name not a brand) to deal with anxiety. Looking back over the rest of my life and a general no-drug policy, I now swear by this particular drug, and in my totally non-professional opinion, you may like to enquire about it next time you see a doctor.

The best warning I can give you about other drugs, is stay the hell away from SSRIs (the Prozac family). If a doctor puts you on these turn your calendar upside down and run your clock backwards--that's the only way they'll make any sense. This is one thing CCHR has right: SSRIs send you further round the twist.

My mother used to say "I complained I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

After reading your story, I think I found the person who has no feet.

Like Bea's story on here, see if you can find your Dad, and maybe you can rebuild that relationship; but I cannot stress it enough:

FIND YOURSELF FIRST. BE WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHAT YOU THINK OTHERS WANT YOU TO BE.
 

Div6

Crusader
I was raised in the cadet org from age 4 to age 13, when I joined the S.O. I was in the S.O. untill I was 20 and left, but I have been battling a whole bunch of psychological issues since then. I'm searching for help, so if anyone can point me in the right direction, let me know.

As I said I joined when I was 13, and went on the TTC until I was 15, I then went on post as an examiner. I remeber my dad being kicked out(declared) when I was 15, up until that point we had a great relationship. He did screw up royaly and had an affair with an underage girl, so i understand their response of cutt all ties, but he was a good dad to me. So I cut all ties to him, and went about my business in the S.O., than my mom dies when I'm 16 of cancer that was too advanced to cure. My mom Syma Zimmer was also in the S.O. for about 20 years before she passed. Ok, then I get turned over to a guardian in the S.O. and keep doing my work. I had maybe a half a day to grieve about my mom passing, and no time to grieve when my dad was kicked out. Still I was young and full of life, and things went on, ocassionally wishing I could talk to my dsd now and then. I eventually met a boy I really liked, who was also in it when I was 17. We eventually got married, but he wasn't commited, so he left back to California, and left the S.O. I was not told by anyone that he was leaving, he was on the RPF at the time he wanted to get out, so it was easy for him and everyone else to lie and say "he's getting through the program, nothing is wrong". I found out the night he flew back, by a friend of mine, who had some inside information. I flipped out. I went off on the security guards, and that's when the depression settled in, I started feeling like no one else would want to date me, I wasn't sure if I was over him, I couldn't talk to him, though I desperatly wanted to face to face. So I knew a few months after he left I was unhappy, and I knew noone else compared to him there, so I finally started to introvert, and start making myself create this facade, so noone would think anything, was wrong, I felt I just needed time to figure out how I wanted to leave, and in fact if I did really want to leave, before saying anything. So several months went by, and I remeber the sleeping disorder set in right about that time, because I was stressed all the time, for months on end. Plus I decided to go vegetarian aroung the same time, I guess it was the only thing I felt I could control in my life. I remeber watching my health diminish, I couldn't jog anymore, my back started to hurt allot. So eventually I spoke up and got out of there, but I had been there for 2-3 years faking my every move, and I was numb emotionally and physically. I trained myself to not feel, and if I didn't feel they couldn't see my emotions, or that I wanted out. Now to this day I have severe insomnia, I have bad cramps, I still can't jog otehrwise my back hurts, I get depressed, and find myself in relationships with guys just because they're company, and because I'm afraid to be alone, I actually can't sleep, and get very nervous when I'm alone. I don't know what to do. My hair has been falling out for about 4 years now. I am never quite happy. I have big dreams, but physical and mental blocks are always present. I need help!!!!!



You were playing an "insane" game, in that the SO does not encourage ANY emotional ties amongst its members.....all it wants are good little rondroids.
You were dealt a sucky hand....that your "husband" would abandon you in such a heartless fashion is a reflection of him...it is typical in such heavily emotional situations to accept ANY answer as an answer....even if they are incorrect. My parents went through a bloody divorce when I was young...I accepted part of the "fault" for it, incorrectly, I might add, and tried to deal with it by doing drugs, and other self-destructive acts. What I am trying to say is that you MAY be incorrectly assigining cause as regards this incident.

One thing you have not mentioned is how you feel about "the tech", auditing and so forth. And did you revert your diet, or are you still eating veg?

And have you any interest in finding your dad, now that you are out, or have you done that already?
 

SchwimmelPuckel

Genuine Meatball
@ Sabrina.. Realize that the cult conditioned you to feel bad when you left! - I know this is easy to say, but they actually did! - And they did it to keep you in. Failing that, to have you as an example for those still in.. See! You can't make it outside! As per 'Leaving and Leaves'.

Hubbard and $cientology did that to all of us. Starting with the introduction video. Quoting: "You can leave $cientology. It would be stupid, but you can do it! - You can also blow your brains out or jump off a bridge!" - That's a deliberate suggestion to suicide!

These 'conditionings' are everywhere in Hubbards writings. The subject deserves a thread all by itself really: 'How we were conditioned to stay in $cientology. The persuasions, the suggestions, the commands, the threats and the implants.

I actually 'agreed' that I was an SP when I left. Beaten down by all the circumstances. Took me years to realize that Hubbard and the cult simply wasn't right. I was conned and intimidated!

They have no right, no authority, to make us feel bad! - That conditioning was a hostile act committed against us! :angry:

Fact is that you CAN make it outside! - And you do not need to be as dumb as I was and take so long!

Start physical exerzise again! It'll rebuild your health and make you tired enough to sleep too! - I was a member of 2 fitness clubs and I jogged 10 kilometers 3 times a week. I kept it up for a couple of years.

Oh! - Eat well too! - Take a very close look at that vegetarian diet! (if you're still on that). Your body needs protein!

And keep reading this and all the other sites on the net.. But I don't have to tell you that! ;)

.
 
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Emma

Con te partirò
Administrator
Hi Sabrina,

Do you have anyone in or around Clearwater who you can talk to?

I can probably help hook you up with someone who has been through a similar process to what you are going through (and lived to tell the tale). :)

Please PM me if I can help you.
 

Bea Kiddo

Crusader
Sabrina your plight is totally understandable!!!! Please feel free to PM me if I can help in any way (though I live in Midwest, not Fl).

I had to go through very similar things as you getting out. And those feelings come back alot. It takes a long time to get out of that "sea org" mode and become normal, so to speak. It can take years.

For me, telling my story here helped alot. I am not saying you should do the same, but maybe at least keep notes or write things down. That can help too.

Also, find something you like to do and build it as a hobby. For me, its biking. I bike alot. I love going alone and just listening to music. It's very therapuetic for me.

Healing can be a long process. The Sea Org teaches you to want something NOW and be very impatient. The healing is not a rapid process, and you can feel very impatient about not handling it NOW. Especially SO at Flag. I was there on training and only got a bit of it, not as much as you would have.

I know you from Flag. I would help you in any way that I can. Please feel free to PM me.

(And if you can't sleep, get out of the house and excersize. Do something to get yourself tired. Not at night, but earlier in the evening, before you go to sleep. Get space. Walk, Run, Hike, Bike ride, sit on a bench and breath fresh air - listen to yourself breath. Count the breaths.)
 

Lulu Belle

Moonbat
It is only the poor scientologist who taunts the rest of the world's religions with feelings of superiority,


Sorry.

But I respectfully disagree.

All religions, from what I've seen, think they are superior to other religions.

They all feel they have "the one true God", in one form or another. And that the rest of the world will suffer eternal damnation for not following their creed.

Scientology has no monopoly on that.
 

Voltaire's Child

Fool on the Hill
And not every Scientologist feels the same way about it. Cherub seemed to think he/she/it/they/whatever the hell was talking to a churchie and/or OSA 'bot.

So it seems like more of a ranting finger pointing exercise than anything else.
 

Colleen K. Peltomaa

Silver Meritorious Patron
I was floated around foster homes. When I was seven I was sent to stay by an Aunt by marriage. I witnessed something terrible and she thought to kill me off to ensure I would never tell. Wanted to make it look like an accident.

I was locked in a SUN ROOM in a West Virginia winter for a month with nothing but a mattress on the floor in my underwear. It had to be 20 degrees. I guess she thought I'd catch pneumonia and that's how they could explain my death.

She did feed me, they couldn't have me die of starvation.

I did get pretty awfully cold. But a month later when I was still sitting there , looking out the window, watching the snow fall , she went quite mad.

They had to take me out of there as she became mentally incompetent.

Oh, the magic of it all!

Speaking of magick, what do you know about LRH's involvement with Alistair Crowley? Ron DeWolfe says he first picked up a Crowley book and read it when he was 16. Perhaps this is for another thread....
 

sabrina

Patron
Thanks for Listening

I'm still here. Sorry I havn't been here for a few days, been watching some Scientology videos on Xenu. They were Great!

Everyone who asked, yes I talk to my dad now, I have for about 2 years. It is not the same, but we're trying to get back to where we once were.

I am also no longer vegetrarian. I stopped that about a year ago.

I still have physical issues, and severe anxiety when I'm alone at night. My heart pounds and I can't sleep.

I read all your meassages and appreciate all the advice. It makes me happy to know that someone cares. If there's any ex-Scientologist in the Clearwater area, I'd like to know. I would love to talk and discuss my issues with others. For me that is the best therapy.:happydance:
 

Royal Prince Xenu

Trust the Psi Corps.
I'm still here. Sorry I havn't been here for a few days, been watching some Scientology videos on Xenu. They were Great!

Everyone who asked, yes I talk to my dad now, I have for about 2 years. It is not the same, but we're trying to get back to where we once were.

I am also no longer vegetrarian. I stopped that about a year ago.

I still have physical issues, and severe anxiety when I'm alone at night. My heart pounds and I can't sleep.

I read all your meassages and appreciate all the advice. It makes me happy to know that someone cares. If there's any ex-Scientologist in the Clearwater area, I'd like to know. I would love to talk and discuss my issues with others. For me that is the best therapy.:happydance:

<evaluation>
To me it sounds like you've contract the SO/Staff disease of everything has to be done now because it's a "Hill 10". Ever notice that in the org? An event's coming up so we'll leave it until it's a "Hill 10" and then rip the org apart...

Remember: Today's cataclysmic disaster is but a broken fingernail in eternity.

I recommend finding a tape of some music you find relaxing and play a tape when going to bed (classical is recommended).

If that doesn't work my mother had her own remedy: Lie as close to the edge of the bed as possible and you'll soon drop off :D

Like the rest of us, learn that there are something that you are not responsible for. You didn't cause the Mississippi bridge collapse. Too many of us try to wear the responsibility for such insane occurrences that we're left in overwhelm.

Talking is good. It helps you sort your own thoughts.
</evaluation>
 

Bea Kiddo

Crusader
I'm still here. Sorry I havn't been here for a few days, been watching some Scientology videos on Xenu. They were Great!

Everyone who asked, yes I talk to my dad now, I have for about 2 years. It is not the same, but we're trying to get back to where we once were.

I am also no longer vegetrarian. I stopped that about a year ago.

I still have physical issues, and severe anxiety when I'm alone at night. My heart pounds and I can't sleep.

I read all your meassages and appreciate all the advice. It makes me happy to know that someone cares. If there's any ex-Scientologist in the Clearwater area, I'd like to know. I would love to talk and discuss my issues with others. For me that is the best therapy.:happydance:

PM OHTEATE. He is in Fl area and may be able to help you. I think he would be willing. Let me know PLEASE if there is any way I can help...
 

The Oracle

Gold Meritorious Patron
crowley hubbard parsons

Oh, the magic of it all!

Speaking of magick, what do you know about LRH's involvement with Alistair Crowley? Ron DeWolfe says he first picked up a Crowley book and read it when he was 16. Perhaps this is for another thread....

Hubbard was never involved with Crowley directly.

Hubbard was involved with Jack Parson's, a friend and student of Crowley's.

I believe Parsons opened Hubbard's mind.

I am sure drugs were involved, so what?

Some of the grestest books written were written under the influence of Absythne.

Hubbard is quoted in one Science Fiction Magazine as saying Dianetics was born as a result of his being involved with a Los Angeles cult. That would have been Parson's group.

Parsons was effective with magic (he conjured up a storm off the coast of Florida to drive a boat back in port) but he was also a genious with physics.

Physics cannot be mastered without an understanding of the super natural.

It can't even be known about without an understanding of the super natural.

Parson's was a great writer and a great thinker.

Here is an essay he wrote if you are interested:

http://altreligion.about.com/library/texts/bl_twoedged3.htm

Frankly, I think Hubbard was encouraged very well from his liason with Parsons.
 

Terril park

Sponsor
PM OHTEATE. He is in Fl area and may be able to help you. I think he would be willing. Let me know PLEASE if there is any way I can help...

If this is evil I am at least equally if not more so.

Yeah, I too have tried to connect up Sabrina. To damned squirrels!
 

Terril park

Sponsor
Physics cannot be mastered without an understanding of the super natural.

It can't even be known about without an understanding of the super natural.

Well there are the factors.

In the mainstream Sir Isaac Newton spent more time on Alchemy than
physics. Not sure if he'd recognise such partitions.
 

johnAnchovie

Still raging
Hi sabrina

Bea Kiddo has probably the closest experience to your own, and so I hope you are able to connct with her, she is marvelous.

I can give my 2 cents worth:

When I got out, after all the adrenalin rush of hiding from OSA and dodging heavies shadowing my family... I hit a very black place, I got help and started up taking some excellent counselling from a local Health Service related organisation. After the first session, the counsellor said "John, be gentle with yourself ok?" It hit me that I was trying to run around like I was still in the SO, trying solve and deal with everything around in mad psychotic rush, my mind running at a hundred miles a miniute, I stopped then, went outside and just looked at the river flowing, and sun dancing off the surface, listened to the sounds of the gulls, the traffic and people walking. I stopped. I felt the now, and ceased to madly drive myself like there was a ton of ethics officers on my ass... I began to be gentle on myself, and things have been getting better.

I hope that maybe this will help you. You can pm me too, anytime, I will talk to you on the phone if you want. I care, most people here really care, because you are so much more than they would ever let you know you were.

But right now, stop, look at the world around you, breath slowly, and be gentle with yourself.
 
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