Free to shine
Shiny & Free
Right now, I am very confused, extremely confused.
I read something, and it says one thing and yet you can read it again and it can say something completely different. Depending on how you interpret it.
Part of me regrets the day I ever decided this was the right thing to do, speaking out about what happened to me as a child. My conscience says it was exactly the right thing to do. So I am torn between a rock and a hard place.
I don't care what happens to me, but I do care about some people in this world, some of which I have never even met. I cannot quantify this, it is just something that I feel, deep inside of me, like a Mothers love, only it isn't that. I can't put it into words. It's just there, it's probably not justified, its possibly not even wanted, but it is there just the same, whether I like it or not.Whether YOU like it or not, it is there, here in my heart.
When I first embarked on this journey into the past, it nearly killed me, you have no idea how ill it made me. My head kept saying leave it alone, it will destroy you, it nearly did all those years ago, why dredge it up again. My heart, after reading some of the most depressing, sad and horrifying tales from ex scientologists nearly tore me in two. There were so many of them, heart breaking accounts of destroyed lives, they matched my own, or were even worse than my own.
When I started protesting and getting out amongst people, it was even worse than I had thought, so many people and I am sure this just a tip of the ice burg, had gone through similar or worse strife than me. How can this be? How can, when you read all the media coverage of the broken people of this cult, this still all these years on still be happening? How can it? Why Is it?
When I read your story Markus, I thought, even knowing what I know, this has to be some kind of joke, in the most morbid sence of the word joke.
I wondered if it was scientology playing some kind of trick on the mind.They are good at this, and I know this only too well.
If Goran Robertson hanged himself, I want to know why? The first name is correct, I'm not sure about his surname, but I knew him and I was, to use scientology language, handled by him, to make sure I never ever spoke out about what happened on the Apollo.As a naive kid, who was terrified out of her wits I did not even realise at the time that LRH had sent him. Of course LRH sent him. My Father was supposed to go to court and falsely testify for scientology. He never did, because he was supposedfly at sea, destination unknown. My Father swears he knows nothing of this, maybe he does, maybe he really dosen't, I don't know. What I do know is, my Father IS a raving lunatic, and may God if there is one, forgive me for saying this. Part of me thinks he did not know what he was doing, the other part of me thinks he did.
As I said, total confusion.
To top it off the one person in the world, I put total trust in won't even talk to me, not properly at any rate, is this fear? or is this something else?
Is this me still being naive? a fucking idiot, to put so much trust in someone?
There is a tendancy for some on this board to think that being too serious is a god damned crime, scientology, strangely enough IS a serious business, because like it or not, it messes with peoples heads to such an extent that they end up being complete fruit loops. My Dad is one of them.
Some even go as far as to comitt suicide, Quentin Hubbard was my friend, LRHs own son, again you have no idea how upset I was when I learned of this and yet some fucking nut on this board says " I was Quentin Hubbard, in a past life", Have you any idea what this did to me, how it affected me, how it may have affected others, his sisters, his brother,his friends, if they read here?
Have you really any idea of what this batshit crazy cult has done to people?
I am not aiming any of this at YOU Markus, I have read YOUR story and it is heartbreaking and whether or not you believe me, I feel a great deal of love and compassion towards YOU and your family.
I have said things on this board that maybe I should never have said, and I do apolagise especially to Janis and her family, but at the end of the day, LRH used and abused YOUR family probably more than most and I find that really hard to forgive, even if you do. I really looked up to you Janis then, and still do now, know that, feel it, it is heartfelt.
I don't want to let my children down, and I know you don't want to let yours down either, having come thus far, we owe it to everybody to make a stand, for the future of the children on 'Gods' earth. It never belonged to L. Ron Hubbard. He was a liar, a cheat, a fraud, but worse than all of that, he stole YOUR lives, ALL of YOUR lives and David Miscavige took what was left.
I'm sick of reading about Marty Rathbun and Mike Rinder, WHAT HAVE THEY REALLY DONE TO HELP MANKIND? They have found out the hard way, that Scientology IS just as bad as they helped make it. If they really want to make a difference, they'll get the hell out there and DO something about it.
I am but a little speck of dust, they are the full blown big bits of dirt.
Sharone, it is because people like you who have experienced the worst now speak out, that others begin to speak as well and also to realise that what Zinj always says is so true "Scientology, it's worse than you think".
Yet as I said above, we need balance. Normal everday life still goes on, the wonder and joys and hardships of it and that also deserves attention. So a little bit of this and a little bit of that, keep the balance. Follow your gut instincts. I understand, others understand. You have done tremendously and you have opened a lot of eyes. And here's a hug <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
for newbies to read.
