Suppressed Memories

[Pixie]

For Tamasin

Tamasin, I am giving you the biggest warmest cyberhug I possibly can right now. You are a very very brave soldier to have endured such utter torture. I had read about the peanut inident before and was nothing short of horrified and disgusted in the extreme. He was an evil monster and a pig, and I hope that if he is 'reincarnated' that the same and worse is done to him. To have this madman stand there and give those sort of orders and to have all on board in agreement is difficult for the mind to grasp if one had never been a scientologist, but here we have the power of brainwashing and group think. I cannot imagine what you felt climbing up to that crows nest, dispicible torture and nothing less. Good on you for remembering though, and hopefully in time you can perhaps let go of all of it and be truely free. It's impossible to forget of course... but I just hope that you are happy and doing well right now.

Love... Pix...

 

[Free to shine]

Tamasin >>>

God...what terror, what degradation, what a sick and evil mind.

It needs to be known and shown that this is the side of him that not too many saw, and is equally part of the man who wrote the "tech".

Good on you gal, and keep on doing what you're doing!

 

[Neo]

The British Navy, in the good ol' days before stinkpots, had a tradition wherein the midshipmen on board a sailing vessel stood at attention in full uniform on the top of the masts of the vessel upon leaving homeport in Bristol.

Now consider, this didn't mean he was down in the comparative safety of the "crow's nest". He had to shinny ALL the way up the mast and then come to a posture of full military attention on the masthead and remain there until ordered on deck after the vessel cleared harbor. Some of those masts were AWFULLY tall.


Mark A. Baker

What was your purpose of adding this, in light of what Tamasin had just written about her experience?

From my reading, Tamasin was writing about the horrors committed by L Ron Hubbard, not the British Navy. Horrors she witnessed, and experienced.

Thank you, Tamasin. Every story helps. L Ron Hubbard may want to smash his name into lights, but we have the ability to turn the power off.

Neo

 

[Mark A. Baker]

...

 

[Mark A. Baker]

What was your purpose of adding this, in light of what Tamasin had just written about her experience?

If you are genuinely baffled you might try re-reading my post to see to what I was responding.

As to Tamasin's fear of heights I understand it fully. I've never been comfortable around open heights myself. I had the occasion as an adolescent to serve as part of the crew on a gaff-rigged ketch with a square mainsail. Part of the duty entailed climbing the rigging and setting/furling the square main.

In order to accomplish that feat you had to scamper up the ratlines (fairly easy as they are ladder-like) to the level of the yardarm (about 40 feet above the deck in this case). At this point things get dicey. You then scurry out along a piece of line (maybe 1/2-3/4 in. diameter) to do the necessary work.

The line moves. It swings. So does the ship.

You are standing on a piece of rope swinging back-and-forth over the sea and the deck. The only thing there is up there to stabilize yourself are the lines which fix the mainsail and the yardarm itself. No safety gear, restraints or anything else to serve as a "back up".

I was able to do it but it was always an uncomfortable prospect for me. This was on a small ship. The old British navy sailing warships could have five or more tiers of sails extending two hundred feet in the air. They started the midshipmites young. Not a great place for an acrophobic.

Open heights are a feature of shipboard life. Hence the old seaman's saying: one hand for the ship and one for yourself.

There is a lengthy history of using such frightening aspects of shipboard life to punish, terrorize, or simpliy "initiate" others. The British Navy was especially reknown for such traditions. Hubbard no doubt considered himself to be following in the hallowed tradition of William Bligh, a consummate seaman and utter bastard. Too bad Hubbard wasn't a better seaman.


Mark A. Baker

 

[anonmom]

Iv’e been struggling with a memory for the best part of a year and I all I could get was that I was sat cross legged on the tiniest little platform that was the crows nest on the Apollo. I was absolutely terrified. I couldn’t move , if I had I would have plunged to my death. I tried to stop from sobbing and just let little tears fall down my face, don’t show emotion, it’s not allowed, you are a degraded being.

Over the year little bits have fallen into place but there was something missing and I could not find the missing piece, I kept returning to 1968/9 and knew there was something vital I should remember, try as I might I just couldn’t remember. Last night that piece came from no where and I realized it wasn’t so much as I couldn’t remember but that I didn’t want to remember.

I was below decks and my cabin mate and fellow messenger had come down to get me as there was something going on, on the main deck and the entire crew had to be there. I asked what was going on and she said something about someone having to push a peanut around the decks with their nose. I looked at her incredulously and said “You have to be kidding” she said she wasn’t sure but that’s what she’d heard. Whilst following her up to the deck we were chatting and laughing about it as lets face it even LRH wouldn’t do something like that would he? We couldn’t believe it, it was so absurd.. We were still chatting and laughing as we came up the steps onto the deck and sure enough the entire ships company was there.

We had to edge our way forward through the throng of people in order to see, neither of us had realised how serious this was. Finally we got to the front and took our places and was astonished to see this was correct and after all my chatter and laughing I was stunned into silence as the man got up and he looked straight at me , his face was covered in blood, it was awful. I didn’t know where to look and diverted my eyes to the ground, I couldn’t look at him, it was so horrible.

After this dreadful debacle was over LRH called me forward to the front, in front of him. He was shouting at me, I can’t remember what he said but I was ordered up into the crows nest, as I turned around to comply the entire crew of the ship facing me, looking at me as if I was the most evil person on earth. I have never felt so ashamed. I was not laughing at this man though, good lord, I never would of thought it was real, I should have known better. There appeared to be nothing that LRH would not do to degrade people and all his followers stood by and let him. There was nothing anyone could do to stop him.

I vaguely remember climbing to the top of the lookout post in the crows nest, I was so scared, I’d tried to climb it once before as a dare and only got about a third of the way up as I was afraid of heights. This time there was no option, I had to go to the top. I was told not to look down, just keep your eye on the horizon, at one point I thought I was going to collapse, if ever there was an out of body experience that was it. I was completely numb, I could no longer feel, think or reason, I ceased to exist. The whole world just became a vast blackness. I passed out, I don’t remember any more. When I came to I was lying on the deck, someone must have come up and brought me down, then I was picked up again and carried to my bunk where I slept for a long while. When I awoke all I kept thinking was God someone please help me and get me off this ship.

How horrible, Tamasin! I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I so appreciate that when some people say that Hubbard was great and it's all Miscavage's fault that there are members here like you with personal experiences who expose LRH for the evil monster that he was. Wow. You told it so well, I had to take a break and play an old Rogers & Hammerstein movie.

 

[gomorrhan]

I've had some shocking experiences in my life, and when they happened, I had a similar experience (numbness, loss of reason, totally not thereness). Looks like quite a few things going on there: betrayal (by LRH), revulsion about the blood, wrong attributions of intention by others assembled, and perhaps something else I left out. Any of these could induce shock to a sensitive person. I've never fainted (that I know of), but I've come damned close, during such experiences. It's at times like these that we reconstruct the way we view the universe, the people around us, ourselves, etc.

Please don't think I'm trying to promote any services, here, but this really begs the question for me, what decisions did you make at that time? I got that you wanted someone to get you off the ship.

I still believe in some parts of the tech, and this, to me, is a classical example of something that could be run as a narrative dianetic incident. After this, I'd want to prep-check every person who was there that you remember. Then do some "then and now" (tell me a similarity between then and now/tell me a difference between then and now).

I'm very sorry this happened to you, Tamasin. How old were you?

 

[thetanic]

Iv’e been struggling with a memory for the best part of a year and I all I could get was that I was sat cross legged on the tiniest little platform that was the crows nest on the Apollo.

Thank you for sharing. When I first read some of the early affidavits, they seemed so far out from the Scientology I knew that they were completely unreal. Now there's enough touchstones between myself and the horrible things people (such as yourself) went through that it all seems horrifyingly real.

We need people to tell these stories, and this one in particular is an important one. Thank you for the courage in facing up to it and telling us about it.

 

[Sharone Stainforth]

Thank you ALL for all the comments and hugs and cyberhugs. Well received.

When the MAA came to "handle" me in Denmark prior to my going on "Leave of absence". I felt sick, not just a little bit, but truly and utterly terrified out of my wits.He got right in my face, on the surface appearing to be nice but making it very plain that no one would ever believe me if I told about the things that happened on board the Apollo.The things that happened were so incredible,so unbelievable to the average ordinary person.I knew that there was little chance of any one believing me.I was shaking, from head to toe, uncontrollably, terrified beyond all reason.He made sure it was just me and him, no witnesses.

My choices as Scientology are so quick to point out that you do have a choice, were get locked up in a mental institution or keep silent.Hardly surprising that the choice I made was to keep silent.Psychiatry was the worst possible thing that could happen to you, I had had that indoctrinated into me since the age of 6/7. So at the age of 12 when I had been isolated from the outside world for two years,sleeping , breathing and hearing only Scientologys party line,even though I thought most of it was a crock of shit how was I supposed to know whether or not the world at large would believe me or not.I had absolutely no faith or trust in adults of any description.

At the tender age of 12 years old I thought that all adults were liars, they all betrayed me in one way or another.It never occurred to me at that time that there were some decent people outside of Scientology.Originally before the Sea Org I had thought Scientology people were really good, lovely people.These lovely people lost something along the way, trapped in the Hubbard mindset.

As I reflect back on some of the conversations I had with friends prior to leaving I can't help but wonder if I was being handled by them too.Have you any idea how much that hurts.Especially after what I have recently learnt about them on the internet.I realise now they probably never left, that was just another shore story to keep me in line.More Scientology propaganda keeping the faithful kowtowing to LRHs bronze thetan bust.

I don't, can't, won't believe in any Scientology tech whether stolen from other people or not. That may be classed as not having an open mind, I don't care , I know my mind.Anything remotely attached to Scientology in my mind is totally obnoxious, dangerous and completely psychotic and YES it does reflect on the mad man that made it all possible L. Ron Hubbard.

I have never had auditing. I have had a sec check. Just to make sure I was still on board.Terrified. I do not use this word lightly.This highly prized tool of Scientology that could help me help myself,there would be NO problems because I had NO bad thoughts about LRH or MSH or the Sea Org or Scientology. If that e-meter could have read my thoughts at the time of the sec check I would never have made it out alive, Such was the paranoia of LRH at that time.

There were enemies everywhere and none more so than in the ranks of the Sea Org or so he thought.His own worst enemy was himself, but he could not see that.He(LRH) thought he was the highest being on the planet and his followers granted him that beingness,by following his every policy.

My thoughts whilst still on the ship were to pray to a God that I had been taught about at a non Scientology school.Pray with all my might that I would get off the ship and return to some kind of normality.I suppose some would say my prayers were answered.And in some small way they were, but I never got to be with my Dad, my sole purpose of agreeing to sign a billion year contract.In order to get completely away from Scientology I had to go so off the rails that I ended up in care for the rest of my childhood.Not normal by any stretch of the imagination.

"You can jump off a bridge or blow your brains out" The choice is yours. You can conform to Scientology rules or you can spend the rest of your childhood in social care, the choice is yours.Some choice.

Where was love on the tone scale??????????????????
I'll tell you where, it is NON EXISTENT.

The difference between then and now:

Then I felt I had NO choice.

Now I know I DO have a choice. As I explained to an Aunt earlier on this year, who was very concerned about my speaking out having been "Fair gamed" by SO bully boys years ago, the worst they can do is kill me and if they do that then I will end up on "why are they dead" or some such list.Eventually that list will be so long that somebody somewhere in a position of power will HAVE to take notice.I really hope this won't be the case, the list being so long I mean. I personally think it is already far too long.

The difference between now and then is that NOTHING can hurt me as much as Scientology and LRH did when I was a child.They/ he took away the very core of my existence and I had a very difficult time trying to find myself again.

I don't know whether or not I believe in past lives, as far as I know I was never Jesus, a roman centurion, Napoleon or any kind of Buddah reincarnated.If past lives are real and we really do come back, (I don't believe this at all,)then Scientology had better believe this I will come back and haunt you till the end of time.OSA ops on street corners will NOT stop me speaking out.

 

[Free to shine]

Please don't think I'm trying to promote any services, here, but this really begs the question for me, what decisions did you make at that time? I got that you wanted someone to get you off the ship.

I still believe in some parts of the tech, and this, to me, is a classical example of something that could be run as a narrative dianetic incident. After this, I'd want to prep-check every person who was there that you remember. Then do some "then and now" (tell me a similarity between then and now/tell me a difference between then and now).

I'm very sorry this happened to you, Tamasin. How old were you?

Have you read the whole thread? It would seem not, or you would not make such comments. I find it in very bad taste that you suggest ANY "tech" handling here, for someone so directly hurt by Hubbard. God!

 

[Good twin]

Tas, I am speechless. My heart breaks for you and with you. Please know how much we all love you for being here, now, and telling your story. Even though it is too incredible to be believed, there are many of us who know just how true it is as it answers many questions we have all had for many years. You may have been a victim, but now you are a hero. Your story will save lives. Please know that.
GT

 

[gomorrhan]

I'm sorry you feel that way, FTS. However, I'm not trying to hurt Tamasin. It seems quite Clear that Hubbard was.

If someone was damaged by communication, the solution is not to cease communicating. It is to address the damage, or outgrow it. I completely grok Tamasin's revulsion to all things scientology. I actually think it's a healthy response to what she experienced. But if everything is generalized to having a relationship to Hubbard and Scientology, then nothing is safe!! As an absurd example, I wouldn't say that trying to build on shared experiences with someone else, wanting to understand them and hold their viewpoint and for them to share yours: these things are not evil. Hubbard called them ARC, and used them as a tool to manipulate people in a formulaic manner ("Dissem Drill"). However, it's not evil to build bridges between you and another person. It is not evil to help them unburden themselves!

I understand the perversion and horror of abuse. While you may not realize it, and while I may not give the appearance that it is the case, I have suffered a very long duration period of abuse from the time I was about six months old until the time I was about fifteen. Near drownings. Being choked until I saw stars. Being punched in the face so hard I was thrown backwards over a couch and couldn't get up. Hit with a baseball bat in the back at full swing. Held down and had someone spit in my face while sneering and laughing at my inability to escape. I finally got so crazy with rage that I would black out during these periods. Invariably my nose would be bleeding, and I would blow blood all over my attacker out of spite, knowing it would only make things worse. Thrown from about forty feet out of a treehouse. Headbutted in the face as I came out of my bedroom in the morning. All while living on a private drive, many miles away from any town, in a thirty-five room house that wasn't big enough for me to get away.

I graduated from all of that when I went to college at 16. And yet, I don't hate my abusers, I don't avoid thinking about them, or about what they did. I could certainly be very angry. I could certainly judge people. I could live my life on a script created in those times. But why the hell would I want to do that? Seriously? What I want is an end to the contagion that rippled forward through my family on two sides over many generations, perhaps over all generations. I love my mother, my departed father, my brother and my sister. I consider all of us flawed and limited by our localization. Our job isn't to keep the hatred alive, it is to END IT, so that NONE OF US ever have to experience it again. It was one of the reasons I was susceptible to the reasoning, in the Church, that I was a suppressive person. I considered it a terrible truth, and I was suicidal about it. I wanted to protect my children from the violence that had possessed my childhood. I was terribly afraid of my own temper. I was worried I was too controlling of a parent, I was worried that my wife wouldn't be able to be who she wanted to be because I would dominate her. All of these fears were played against me.

I cannot say that I fully understand the mindfuck of living on the ship as a child. But I can say that I understand the world kicking you while you are down. I do understand how that feels. I'm not saying that the answers I found must be accepted or used by others. But they set me free. I still have an attachment to an anger that I consider unhealthy. I would like to DETACH from that anger, though. I may seek justice, but I don't seek it out of vengeance. I seek it because I want to live in a just world. I want to live in a world where children are respected, never hurt, only have to confront fear from real sources of danger, not manufactured by the demons carried forward in families and people who never work their way out of it, but instead continue the fight, perpetuate the anger, choke back, spit in someone else's face. This is not enlightenment. I do understand the anger, but it is a POISON. Do not drink and live on the poison offered by abusers.

Choose a different fruit.

I don't care if it's zonery. I don't care if it's a hobby. Just don't dwell in the prison you physically escaped.

 

[Vinaire]

I'm sorry you feel that way, FTS. However, I'm not trying to hurt Tamasin. It seems quite Clear that Hubbard was.

If someone was damaged by communication, the solution is not to cease communicating. It is to address the damage, or outgrow it. I completely grok Tamasin's revulsion to all things scientology. I actually think it's a healthy response to what she experienced. But if everything is generalized to having a relationship to Hubbard and Scientology, then nothing is safe!! As an absurd example, I wouldn't say that trying to build on shared experiences with someone else, wanting to understand them and hold their viewpoint and for them to share yours: these things are not evil. Hubbard called them ARC, and used them as a tool to manipulate people in a formulaic manner ("Dissem Drill"). However, it's not evil to build bridges between you and another person. It is not evil to help them unburden themselves!

I understand the perversion and horror of abuse. While you may not realize it, and while I may not give the appearance that it is the case, I have suffered a very long duration period of abuse from the time I was about six months old until the time I was about fifteen. Near drownings. Being choked until I saw stars. Being punched in the face so hard I was thrown backwards over a couch and couldn't get up. Hit with a baseball bat in the back at full swing. Held down and had someone spit in my face while sneering and laughing at my inability to escape. I finally got so crazy with rage that I would black out during these periods. Invariably my nose would be bleeding, and I would blow blood all over my attacker out of spite, knowing it would only make things worse. Thrown from about forty feet out of a treehouse. Headbutted in the face as I came out of my bedroom in the morning. All while living on a private drive, many miles away from any town, in a thirty-five room house that wasn't big enough for me to get away.

I graduated from all of that when I went to college at 16. And yet, I don't hate my abusers, I don't avoid thinking about them, or about what they did. I could certainly be very angry. I could certainly judge people. I could live my life on a script created in those times. But why the hell would I want to do that? Seriously? What I want is an end to the contagion that rippled forward through my family on two sides over many generations, perhaps over all generations. I love my mother, my departed father, my brother and my sister. I consider all of us flawed and limited by our localization. Our job isn't to keep the hatred alive, it is to END IT, so that NONE OF US ever have to experience it again. It was one of the reasons I was susceptible to the reasoning, in the Church, that I was a suppressive person. I considered it a terrible truth, and I was suicidal about it. I wanted to protect my children from the violence that had possessed my childhood. I was terribly afraid of my own temper. I was worried I was too controlling of a parent, I was worried that my wife wouldn't be able to be who she wanted to be because I would dominate her. All of these fears were played against me.

I cannot say that I fully understand the mindfuck of living on the ship as a child. But I can say that I understand the world kicking you while you are down. I do understand how that feels. I'm not saying that the answers I found must be accepted or used by others. But they set me free. I still have an attachment to an anger that I consider unhealthy. I would like to DETACH from that anger, though. I may seek justice, but I don't seek it out of vengeance. I seek it because I want to live in a just world. I want to live in a world where children are respected, never hurt, only have to confront fear from real sources of danger, not manufactured by the demons carried forward in families and people who never work their way out of it, but instead continue the fight, perpetuate the anger, choke back, spit in someone else's face. This is not enlightenment. I do understand the anger, but it is a POISON. Do not drink and live on the poison offered by abusers.

Choose a different fruit.

I don't care if it's zonery. I don't care if it's a hobby. Just don't dwell in the prison you physically escaped.

I totally understand you G.



.

 

[Free to shine]

I understand you too Gomorrhan. I'm sorry you had to experience the things that should never happen to a child.

However this thread is about Tamasin's suppressed childhood memories surfacing. She has been on such a journey here, and as the memories surface, she posts them, and deals with them in her own way.

I still think it is like a slap in the face to post anything resembling C/Sing her. OK it works for you - but have some empathy man and resist the temptation on this thread!

 

[Vinaire]

Just acknowledge... that would be enough.

.

 

[gomorrhan]

Thanks. I am sorry if what I did would hurt Tamasin. Perhaps it didn't? I had no intention to harm. I am asking for review of what was learned from the experience. I think my intent is similar to Tamasin's, if that intent is to document the experiences that occurred, and maximize what can be gleaned from them. I have a flaw that I am not gentle in my approach, and often I don't realize I have done something that hurts until after, my focus can be myopic on a specific result.

Tamasin, I apologize if what I said was painful. It was crude to put the actions I thought would help resolve this in scientologese. I was trying to be helpful.

 

[KnightVision]

Dear Tamasin-SP,

It's touches me greatly, your story and feelings in such a vile environment. I'm sorry that you were not able to connect with your father. I share your feelings completely regarding any of the practices of lrh's cos. And the absence of love in them. Thank you for making it here to us. I support you. I support you speaking out to your hearts content.


Peace

 

[EastAnon]

Tamasin-SP,

I have been reading your story. Yesterday, and again today. And i must tell you, some of the things you said literally made my blood boil. I felt such anger rising as you described what has been done to you. It is remarkable that you have managed to survive and are healing now.

One thing i would like to ask. Did your father ever tell you exactly what happened to him? Or is there too much pain involved? It would mean a lot if he could describe what had been done to him. I know you told a little of what he told you, but it would put so much of what others tell in perspective.

I thank you for telling what you experienced. I strengtens my determination to help stop this.

 

[Sharone Stainforth]

One thing i would like to ask. Did your father ever tell you exactly what happened to him? Or is there too much pain involved? It would mean a lot if he could describe what had been done to him. I know you told a little of what he told you, but it would put so much of what others tell in perspective.



This is very difficult.You have to understand my Dad is mentally not a well man and has never been mentally well since leaving the SO in 69.There is a lot of what happened to him that will never be known because there is no one to tell it. I will write what I can soon.

Right now I do not have the time as I have to get to work.

Thank you for reading my story

 

[Neo]

One thing i would like to ask. Did your father ever tell you exactly what happened to him? Or is there too much pain involved? It would mean a lot if he could describe what had been done to him. I know you told a little of what he told you, but it would put so much of what others tell in perspective.



This is very difficult.You have to understand my Dad is mentally not a well man and has never been mentally well since leaving the SO in 69.There is a lot of what happened to him that will never be known because there is no one to tell it. I will write what I can soon.

Right now I do not have the time as I have to get to work.

Thank you for reading my story

Thank you for telling it.

Neo