The beauty of life

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
Whilst reflecting on the changes that have occurred since I first realised that Scientology was not for me, I remembered an experience that I believe made a huge difference for me. Possibly made the difference. It was an experience that troubled me greatly, but I had not taken the time to dwell on it sufficiently. At least not until now, with the viewpoint of an ex-Scientologist.

In September last year my youngest sister gave birth, and the child was born with many problems. In fact she wasn't expected to be born at all. My sister had been told to abort her. She refused. The child survived. It took some time to establish the full extent of her disabilities. She is completely deaf, completely blind in her right eye, and mostly blind in her left eye. She can only be fed through a tube. She has a breathing tube for oxygen. They're not sure of intellectual disabilities.

I had just had a serious health situation myself, and so was currently away from my staff duties. I was recovering, away from the 24/7 madness that is the life of a staff member. My situation hadn't pushed me into doubt about Scientology. That was still to come. But I remember being struck with the difficulty of fitting my little niece's predicament into my Scientological world view. I couldn't. At least I couldn't and still face her with any confidence and conviction.

I could buy, at the time, that I had 'pulled in' my own situation. Sure, no problem. I can take responsibility for that. But what about my niece. She was born that way. At least give her a chance to fuck up. I'm sorry, but I couldn't accept that she 'pulled it in'. I didn't realise at the time my difficulty with this. Not until taking the time recently to reflect upon it. But it was there, eating away at me, so to speak.

I remember spending time with her, whilst she lay in her cot. Her tiny little hand wrapped around the end of my little finger. She would smile when contact was made. Her left eye would open slightly and look in my direction. She cried when I walked away. I had to forget I was a Scientologist to really appreciate that moment. To my fellow Scientologists this was further evidence of the PTS nature of myself and my family. More reasons one should go hunting for an SP. But this is life. This is the life I know, and the life that she knows. No Scientology stable datum could cover this scenario, for me, and still be stable.

I felt a strong sense of connection to my niece because of my own physical difficulties. But I felt so helpless looking at her. I didn't have any answers. And I knew for a fact that Scientology didn't. Perhaps this was the beginning of the end for me. It's bad enough that she should be born this way, but that I should write her off but implying that she was responsible for her condition. How does this help her? Or anyone for that matter?

These were all my own thoughts. She just held my finger. And looked in my direction. And she taught me something that I believe is far more precious than anything I learnt in Scientology. You cannot drill a person to love. You cannot drill a person to accept and appreciate the beauty in others, and in life in general. You can drill a person to observe the brutal and ugly around them. Co$ did this to me. It helps breed fear, which helps one stay within, and not look out. But looking at my niece, and spending time in my niece's space allowed me to observe that despite all the brutal and ugly moments that get served up to one on a daily basis, life itself is not so. It is truly beautiful. If one can just look at it.

You see, Scientology, by poking and prodding at my own personal weaknesses, got me to focus on the brutal and ugly side of life. Death, fear, and uncertainties became mental preoccupations. But thats not what I had set out to achieve. I remember thinking, and believing, that life is beautiful. There is beauty there. And that was reawakened by my little niece. Observing her, and knowing that I could do nothing about her condition. It forced me to confront the reality of her situation, and my own. It forced me to confront my need for solutions, and just be there with her. She wasn't asking for much, just my attention. And she gave back in abundance. I think that was more than fair exchange.

Scientology asked so much of me, and in the end I couldn't give anymore. It was too much one way exchange. My body told me it was time to get out.

My niece asked for very little. And repaid me with a beautiful little smile and twinkle in her eye. And that was more life than I had been privy to in awhile. She squeezed my little finger, and didn't let go. She wasn't interested in my stats or production record. Meaningless to her. She showed me that life truly is beautiful, even if it doesn't always appear so.

Her name is Scarlett. Scarlett is a very big being. She got me out of the Church of Scientology.

:)
 
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Emma

Con te partirò
Administrator
Whilst reflecting on the changes that have occurred since I first realised that Scientology was not for me, I remembered an experience that I believe made a huge difference for me. Possibly made the difference. It was an experience that troubled me greatly, but I had not taken the time to dwell on it sufficiently. At least not until now, with the viewpoint of an ex-Scientologist.

In September last year my youngest sister gave birth, and the child was born with many problems. In fact she wasn't expected to be born at all. My sister had been told to abort her. She refused. The child survived. It took some time to establish the full extent of her disabilities. She is completely deaf, completely blind in her right eye, and mostly blind in her left eye. She can only be fed through a tube. She has a breathing tube for oxygen. They're not sure of intellectual disabilities.

I had just had a serious health situation myself, and so was currently away from my staff duties. I was recovering, away from the 24/7 madness that is the life of a staff member. My situation hadn't pushed me into doubt about Scientology. That was still to come. But I remember being struck with the difficulty of fitting my little niece's predicament into my Scientological world view. I couldn't. At least I couldn't and still face her with any confidence and conviction.

I could buy, at the time, that I had 'pulled in' my own situation. Sure, no problem. I can take responsibility for that. But what about my niece. She was born that way. At least give her a chance to fuck up. I'm sorry, but I couldn't accept that she 'pulled it in'. I didn't realise at the time my difficulty with this. Not until taking the time recently to reflect upon it. But it was there, eating away at me, so to speak.

I remember spending time with her, whilst she lay in her cot. Her tiny little hand wrapped around the end of my little finger. She would smile when contact was made. Her left eye would open slightly and look in my direction. She cried when I walked away. I had to forget I was a Scientologist to really appreciate that moment. To my fellow Scientologists this was further evidence of the PTS nature of myself and my family. More reasons one should go hunting for an SP. But this is life. This is the life I know, and the life that she knows. No Scientology stable datum could cover this scenario, for me, and still be stable.

I felt a strong sense of connection to my niece because of my own physical difficulties. But I felt so helpless looking at her. I didn't have any answers. And I knew for a fact that Scientology didn't. Perhaps this was the beginning of the end for me. It's bad enough that she should be born this way, but that I should write her off but implying that she was responsible for her condition. How does this help her? Or anyone for that matter?

These were all my own thoughts. She just held my finger. And looked in my direction. And she taught me something that I believe is far more precious than anything I learnt in Scientology. You cannot drill a person to love. You cannot drill a person to accept and appreciate the beauty in others, and in life in general. You can drill a person to observe the brutal and ugly around them. Co$ did this to me. It helps breed fear, which helps one stay within, and not look out. But looking at my niece, and spending time in my niece's space allowed me to observe that despite all the brutal and ugly moments that get served up to one on a daily basis, life itself is not so. It is truly beautiful. If one can just look at it.

You see, Scientology, by poking and prodding at my own personal weaknesses, got me to focus on the brutal and ugly side of life. Death, fear, and uncertainties became mental preoccupations. But thats not what I had set out to achieve. I remember thinking, and believing, that life is beautiful. There is beauty there. And that was reawakened by my little niece. Observing her, and knowing that I could do nothing about her condition. It forced me to confront the reality of her situation, and my own. It forced me to confront my need for solutions, and just be there with her. She wasn't asking for much, just my attention. And she gave back in abundance. I think that was more than fair exchange.

Scientology asked so much of me, and in the end I couldn't give anymore. It was too much one way exchange. My body told me it was time to get out.

My niece asked for very little. And repaid me with a beautiful little smile and twinkle in her eye. And that was more life that I had been privy to in awhile. She squeezed my little finger, and didn't let go. She wasn't interested in my stats or production record. Meaningless to her. She showed me that life truly is beautiful, even if it doesn't always appear so.

Her name is Scarlett. Scarlett is a very big being. She got me out of the Church of Scientology.

:)

Neo, this is one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read.

Thank you.

She is a lucky little girl to have such a wonderful uncle.

:heartflower:
 

Alanzo

Bardo Tulpa
Wow. Excellent.

I had a similar situation with my mother. She had Alzheimer's. Nothing worked on her. No auditing by class 8s, no training. No ethics handlings. Nothing.

Because she had Alzheimer's.

All those same things went through my mind, too.

Life is big and infinite. Scientology is a little box. Whenever something from the Big and Infinite emerges and won't fit into the little box: no more little box. At least not for me.

And, obviously for you, too, Neo.

Thanks for your post.

It was all so beautiful it made me cry!!! :bigcry::bigcry::bigcry:
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
Neo, this is one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read.

Thank you.

She is a lucky little girl to have such a wonderful uncle.

:heartflower:

I second that. Truly beautiful. :)

Wow. Excellent.

I had a similar situation with my mother. She had Alzheimer's. Nothing worked on her. No auditing by class 8s, no training. No ethics handlings. Nothing.

Because she had Alzheimer's.

All those same things went through my mind, too.

Life is big and infinite. Scientology is a little box. Whenever something from the Big and Infinite emerges and won't fit into the little box: no more little box. At least not for me.

And, obviously for you, too, Neo.

Thanks for your post.

It was all so beautiful it made me cry!!! :bigcry::bigcry::bigcry:

Thanks guys, I'm glad you could feel what I was trying to express. Had this on my mind all day today. It was a nice realisation - that there could be so much power in such a little body :)

I know there were a whole lot of incidents on my 'doubt track' that lead to me leaving, and some of them earlier than this. But in reflection, I believe this was the clincher. I find it hard to watch children suffer.

I realised that if I truly want to help her I would keep Scientology the hell away from her. And she repaid the favor :p
 

Free to shine

Shiny & Free
Yes, my children had a lot to do with me waking up too. :)
They see the world with an innocence and love we may have long forgotten.
 

Mary

Patron with Honors
I was very moved by the story Neo.

The Church has forgotten what love and human compassion is all about. Amazing that sometimes these lessons are taught to us by the most innocent of children.
 

Boldgirl

Patron Meritorious
Neo's POST: realization through Scarlett

I had to log in just to say that I am so choked up from that post Neo.

I dont know who else can identify with this but that very specific viewpoint he discusses, the one scientology pushes --if you adopt it, is so damaging to your ability or compassion to help people that aren't so able and need love and help.

Reading this story just helped me PINPOINT a specific area that I have felt quite 'damaged' about from scientology. So much so that I have tears as I write this-I guess this was my 'item' -I did lose a fair amount of compassion for people ONLY as a result of my training and auditing in scientology.

Scientology has left me feeling 'flat' about life and people--no 'oomph' or anything resembling an inner fire for the future or for people...some might call that depression! I like to call it....'trying to figure it all out'. This was just not me---very far from me 'pre-scientology'. I was always planning the next thing-what new adventure to learn about and embark on....but that is gone. The phony people who turn on a dime from 'caring' to 'you're wrong and small', the empty promises of the tech, the realization that you are only as valuable as what you can bring to them ( money and labor), as a public scn who fell for it--it was crushing.

Neo's story about his niece also made me feel better in that it helped to give myself a little 'pat on the back' for seeing that 'hey -I have been feeling a lot more compassionate and caring for all people since leaving scn...I hadnt realized it until I was welling up with tears reading his post and feeling true compassion for scarlett. (versus -she is just another lost thetan who purposely picked that body to dramatize her case....THAT IS what scientology teaches)

Scientology dissemination is pushed to make the able more able...which leaves a whole lot of people out, people like scarlett.

Scientology does practice ethnic cleansing in a smoke and mirrors fashion...
 
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SchwimmelPuckel

Genuine Meatball
Neo, that was a very impressive a moving post! - It nails something very important about the mindset that is indoctrinated into 'us' in that cult... And it nails why it is much better to be the hell out of same cult..

Babies do have a power to sort of yank us to PT! :) - My son did that to me too.. He was perfect in every way. Nothing wrong with him at all.. Except his daddy, who was farting around with scientology and staff at the GO for long hours and no pay. He gave me that experience you tell.. Oh I was a deluded scilon, but In a very pratical sense, I realized that I needed to quit staff and make a decent income. I also realized that I couldn't buy services much. A simple finacial asessment of what was affordable and comparing to CoS prizes made that clear..

:yes:
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
I had to log in just to say that I am so choked up from that post Neo.

I dont know who else can identify with this but that very specific viewpoint he discusses, the one scientology pushes --if you adopt it, is so damaging to your ability or compassion to help people that aren't so able and need love and help.

Reading this story just helped me PINPOINT a specific area that I have felt quite 'damaged' about from scientology. So much so that I have tears as I write this-I guess this was my 'item' -I did lose a fair amount of compassion for people ONLY as a result of my training and auditing in scientology.

Scientology has left me feeling 'flat' about life and people--no 'oomph' or anything resembling an inner fire for the future or for people...some might call that depression! I like to call it....'trying to figure it all out'. This was just not me---very far from me 'pre-scientology'. I was always planning the next thing-what new adventure to learn about and embark on....but that is gone. The phony people who turn on a dime from 'caring' to 'you're wrong and small', the empty promises of the tech, the realization that you are only as valuable as what you can bring to them ( money and labor), as a public scn who fell for it--it was crushing.

Neo's story about his niece also made me feel better in that it helped to give myself a little 'pat on the back' for seeing that 'hey -I have been feeling a lot more compassionate and caring for all people since leaving scn...I hadnt realized it until I was welling up with tears reading his post and feeling true compassion for scarlett. (versus -she is just another lost thetan who purposely picked that body to dramatize her case....THAT IS what scientology teaches)

Scientology dissemination is pushed to make the able more able...which leaves a whole lot of people out, people like scarlett.

Scientology does practice ethnic cleansing in a smoke and mirrors fashion...

thanks everyone for your replies. :)

Boldgirl, this is exactly what Scarlett awoke within me. Through her I was able to see that I had become something other than what I set out to be. And there I was in an extreme situation having the mirror that is life reflecting the truth of what I had become right back at me. Scarlett and my family meant more to me than the Church and its false hopes of 'salvation'. I decided I would rather perish with my integrity than continue to walk the Co$ path.

It is good to have the spark of life turn back on. Face life with a bit more curiosity for what the day holds. I hope you too, after Scientology, are finding this :)

thanks for your reply, glad it could help.

:)
 

Alanzo

Bardo Tulpa
Neo wrote:

Through her I was able to see that I had become something other than what I set out to be.
Exactly.

That was it for me, too. When I saw that after 16 years of working very hard at Scientology, I was not the person I got into Scientology to be. Not even close. In many ways, I had not progressed at all and on some ways I had gone backwards.

Exactly.
 
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duddins

Patron Meritorious
Neo,

You moved me to tears.

In the Sea Org, I existed, but I did not learn how to live a life worth a hill of beans.

I thought I loved, but I was self absorbed and could not really see outside of myself.

My children taught me that true love means sacrifice and the value of life is not in becoming a superhuman, but rather in experiencing humility.

I loved what you wrote and I am so thankful for your presence here.
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
art, beauty, and the aesthetic

I was thinking about the subject of art, and how it has re-awoken in my life in the past six months, which lead me to realise, and write, the story about Scarlett. It was the concept of beauty and the aesthetic element of life. Life as a staff member had become very dull. The wins had become few and far between. And I missed the creativity that my life had been, and could still be. To me art is a reflection of the beauty that life can be. It is certainly a powerful form of communication. Watching a piece of art that one has created touch another person is an amazing experience.

As I dwelt on these feelings, I thought about Scarlett, and how her experience had touched me. We all create art and beauty in our own way. And being with her and experiencing the stillness in her space helped clear away some dark clouds that had gathered around my head. She had communicated to me at some level, far more pure than any that my fellow Scientologists could, and it reinvigorated that sense of curiosity, the desire for creativity, and an ability to tune back into that way of life. She reminded me that life is to be lived, as challenging as that can be sometimes, but not robotically dealt with, as the Church was instructing me to do.

I was having problems, and it was always 'Well, what does policy say to do?' Policy for me became a bunch of stale and lifeless words on a page written by someone who was becoming more and more distant to me, and followed by people who I was really starting to despise. Policy told me I had overts and withholds. Life was telling me I had a family that actually did care about me. Policy was telling me that the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics meant overriding my considerations for my family, especially my concerns for Scarlett. Life was telling me that Policy lead to mental slavery.

I looked around me and observed that to be the case in my fellow Scientologists. Perhaps that's judgmental of me, but thats what I observed. There was no concern for me as a person. And I felt like there was no allowance for me to have concern for Scarlett.

I wanted to experience more life. I mistakenly believed Scientology would provide this. But it didn't. Life was slipping away. My space was getting smaller, and my creativity was becoming a distant dream.

Scientology talks a lot about art, or more precisely, the artist. But I came to realise that it's not the artist they care for, it's the successful artist, and ultimately that persons comm lines. The artist, and interest in art doesn't rank very highly, in my experience, in Scientology. Despite what Hubbard may have said.

And I worked so much as a staff member that I never had time to pursue my interests. And I think this is why art is actually frowned upon. It gets in the way, in their eyes, of the real purpose of a Scientologist - clearing the planet. Being a staff member is a 24/7 lifestyle. It leaves little time for anything else.

When I was able to take time off staff to get my own health in order, my interests started to re-awaken. I was on eBay purchasing cheap cameras. Photography is one of my big passions. I bought a Polaroid camera. I'm a fan of the analogue equipment. Mainly because I can't afford a digital camera, LOL. But I was trained on a fully manual camera - a Pentax K1000. 1970s model camera. I did one year at photography college in the early 90s. I learnt the basics of how to capture an image - composition, framing, light, focus, depth of field, aperture, shutter speed. I also learnt how to develop black and white film in a darkroom. The closest I could get to this at the moment was the Polaroid camera, and the old-school feel of instant film.

I started a webpage to put the photos on http://naquoya.deviantart.com/ :happydance: .

What I am most pleased about is a story I submitted to a Sci-Fi / Speculative Fiction website. I wrote it for the above art webpage, and entered it into a competition for the Sci-Fi site, which specialises in 'Micro Fiction' - stories of 500 words or less. It got published by the website, and was on the main page for one day (each story gets page 1 for one day, with 10,000 - 15,000 readers).

:happydance:

http://www.365tomorrows.com/04/02/reality-fading/

The Cult of Scientology promised so much in the area of creativity, and I'm not talking about that nauseating 'Joy of Creating'. Just greater abilities, and means of expression. But it didn't happen, for me, and those around me. It took those quiet, still moments with Scarlett to realise that, and to understand fully that I felt more joy in her space than I did with any of my fellow Scientologists.

The writing and photography started flowing very quickly after this point.

:)
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
Neo wrote:

Exactly.

That was it for me, too. When I saw that after 16 years of working very hard at Scientology, I was not the person I got into Scientology to be. Not even close. In many ways, I had not progressed at all and on some ways I had gone backwards.

Exactly.

It took some time for me to allow the truth of my own similar experience to become real to me. I had some wins, as I guess we all do, and I was trying to hold onto these. But then I realised that I had wins elsewhere to. Scientology didn't have a monopoly in this area.

The balance between the pros and cons swung away from the Church. The horror that I had allowed myself to get roped in by a religion, when religion was the last thing I had been looking for :duh:

Finding this forum when I did was very timely. Prevented me from falling into despair over my prior choices.

:)
 
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Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
Reality Fading - my first published story

this is a copy of my first published story :)

http://www.365tomorrows.com/04/02/reality-fading/


Reality Fading

by The Artist Currently Known as Neo :p



It ended as it always was. Just me with my thoughts bidding farewell to the only friend I really knew. At least he was the only one who really knew me.

There was no grave site. No urn to hold his burnt remains. No, there was just my memories of him, which will fade in time I guess. He told me they would. He told me they always do. How do you let go of something you have held onto for so long?

My shrink said it was just a faze. It will pass, it had to.
“These drugs are designed for your condition” he told me. He never told me what that condition was.
“But I don’t want to lose him.”

My shrink didn’t understand. It was his job to not understand. My family, they just wished I would grow up and be normal.

Sometimes I feel I was born into the wrong body. Or perhaps the wrong time. Or perhaps the wrong place. But I once found the place for me. He took me there.
“Did I tell you about the time he took me to his home?” My shrink gave me that look. The look that says ‘what am I to do with you’. What he did was up the dosage. He always did. It cost me my friend.

It’s not my shrinks fault. I was just born into the wrong body. Or perhaps the wrong time. Or was it the wrong place? Ah yes, there was that other place. His place. He took me there once. I tried to tell others about it. No one would listen. No one listens when they think you’re crazy. My friend, well he listened. He took me home, to his place.

To his world. A world of lights and movement. And buildings. I’ve never seen so many buildings. And they pierced the sky. It was just so beautiful. I know, I was there. I didn’t dream it.

The drugs tell me I did. My shrink tells me I did. My family tell me I did. But I didn’t. And now it’s starting to fade.

He told me it would.
 

Wisened One

Crusader
Wow Neo....

Such a beautiful story, Neo! Scarlett is a wonderful, wonderful, being and I want you to give her a good finger-hold from me! :yes: :hug:

Kids are incredibly wise and wonderful...I owe SO much to my own beautiful (now adult) children, myself.

They saved ME from Staff too....

THE WORDS hubby said to me that night he was convincing me to blow Staff with him.....(and that made me happily escape with him):

'You'll get to be with your kids again....'

:bigcry:
 
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