The beauty of life

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
So I am a published author, LOL. I like this story. It flowed very naturally when I wrote it. I was very much in a transitional phase - getting out of Scientology, but not actually out, not sure what the future held. The story seems to reflect a lot of that. But its also me in general. The inclusion of the shrink is more a tribute to my favourite author - Philip K Dick, rather than anything to do with Scientology. He refers to Psychs a lot, god bless him! I like that kind of darker, more psychologically charged sci-fi style. I call it Speculative Fiction. Theres no Space Opera, and what people generally consider Sci-Fi.

American Gods by Neil Gaiman is another novel I adore. And Altered Carbon by Richard Morgan gets the nod as my current favourite novel. If you know this book then you know what I am referring to when I say I like darker type stories. They still deal with real issues, life, the human condition, but its not all sweetness and light. Humorous, though.

Anyway, none of these things were possible for me in Scientology, only out of it. I was able to give a copy of the above story I wrote to my best friend in the Church, before leaving. He liked it, and used it for reading practice with his young son. I was flattered by that.

:)
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
Did Philip K Dick write "I have no mouth and I must scream"? That always haunted me....

No, that was Harlan Ellison. I haven't read that.

My favourite stories by Philip K Dick are:
Ubik
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (made into the movie Blade Runner)
A Scanner Darkly
Valis, and Radio Free Albemuth

:)
 

Zinjifar

Silver Meritorious Sponsor
No, that was Harlan Ellison. I haven't read that.

My favourite stories by Philip K Dick are:
Ubik
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep (made into the movie Blade Runner)
A Scanner Darkly
Valis, and Radio Free Albemuth

:)

In keeping with Valis and RFA are 'The Divine Invasion' and 'The Transmigration of Timothy Archer'. All together they make a kind of quadrillogy.

I love old PKD too. Especially 'Eye in the Sky' and 'Time Out of Joint', but, he's got dozens

They're almost all republished now in nice, somewhat oversize paperback. I went ahead and bought them all again.

Zinj
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
In keeping with Valis and RFA are 'The Divine Invasion' and 'The Transmigration of Timothy Archer'. All together they make a kind of quadrillogy.

I love old PKD too. Especially 'Eye in the Sky' and 'Time Out of Joint', but, he's got dozens

They're almost all republished now in nice, somewhat oversize paperback. I went ahead and bought them all again.

Zinj

Yeh, I was gonna list more, then I realised I could end up listing his whole back catalogue. I have quite a collection, too.

Haven't read The Transmigration of Timothy Archer, though.
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
My first post about Scarlett touched on some issues that are fundamental, in terms of what I was trying to achieve in Scientology. I am now at a point where I feel that I have regained control over my anger at Scientology. As much as I would hate to admit it, there was a feeling of being a victim. My anger took a while to build up, to a point where I had to admit its existence. But it really came out of a feeling of 'how could I have been so stupid?'.

I went into Scientology looking for a way towards truth. I was interested in Dianetics, got sold on the idea of the Bridge, and became hooked on the concept of a formula that could be applied, or followed, to reach 'enlightenment'. And I have come to see that to be a major weakness inherent within me - a lack of interchange between myself and others to seek an understanding of issues. More of a blind acceptance of things offered when some part of it matched what I thought I was looking for.

But that realisation came out of confronting the anger. The anger developed out of something far more frightening.

I went into Scientology believing in a certain fundamental concept - that life, or truth, is inherently beautiful and worth pursuing. And it wasn't long before being in Scientology that this concept started to clash with what was going on around me. Being a staff member threw up some horrible experiences. Before too long I was writing off my own knowingness on many issues because to do otherwise would bring about some serious conflicts. I did what I knew how to do - I produced. And hoped that in time these uncertainties would no longer exist. Instead of just confronting the issues early on when they presented themselves. The power of the group that is the Church of Scientology to override my own decision making still leaves me a little overwhelmed.

And the further I got from my original disagreements, the blacker they became, until I could hardly make them out anymore. But truth is truth, no matter how many layers of untruth ones puts over it. And my truth was that Scientology was taking me away from what I was searching for, and I was allowing it.

Well, in my experience at least, truth has a way of making itself known. I had the opportunity to spend time with Scarlett, and experience my epiphany, because I had experienced a major health situation of my own just prior to her birth. I do have a history of physical difficulties, but had been doing well for some time (cancer surviver of 6 years by this time - for those reading the Cancer Thread). Then out of nowhere, I started to have chest pains. To cut a long story short (for now), I had a heart attack, and bypass surgery.

This got my attention. This pulled me into PT. This had me in the right frame of mind to appreciate Scarlett's situation, and therefore learn from it.

To those that may be lurking - put your health before the Church, please. My heart exploded in my chest, in the Org whilst performing my staff duties (it had been developing for several days), and the Org still wouldn't even give me pain killers. I was rushed to hospital, but just that act alone (no pain killers, and me being too weak to argue) still has me horrified. I could tell you a lot worse than this, but I wont go into it now.

So now I find myself out of the Church. I am now starting to explore many interests I held prior to Scientology. I miss some of it, especially the hope that I held for the Tech. But I believe my life is leading away from all that. And my body is very healthy, all of the damage done to my heart (and there was significant damage) has healed itself.

I guess you could say they broke my heart :p . I wish it wasn't so, but it is. But it has reawoken the idea of life being beautiful and worth pursuing. And I think it makes more sense not to have a formula to follow - better to have the freedom of choice where one is going to head for the foreseeable future.

:)
 

Pixie

Crusader
I guess you could say they broke my heart :p . I wish it wasn't so, but it is. :)

Neo aren't you the dark horse! What an incredible thread and an extremely inspiring story!! Thank you for sharing this with us. As for your heart, I understand that totally, they broke my heart too, smashed it to pieces, but this forum, and all you guys, are helping it to heal for sure. Wonderful stuff Neo.. :thumbsup:
 

Alanzo

Bardo Tulpa
Another beautifully written and incisive analysis, Neo.

My first post about Scarlett touched on some issues that are fundamental, in terms of what I was trying to achieve in Scientology. I am now at a point where I feel that I have regained control over my anger at Scientology. As much as I would hate to admit it, there was a feeling of being a victim. My anger took a while to build up, to a point where I had to admit its existence. But it really came out of a feeling of 'how could I have been so stupid?'.

I went into Scientology looking for a way towards truth. I was interested in Dianetics, got sold on the idea of the Bridge, and became hooked on the concept of a formula that could be applied, or followed, to reach 'enlightenment'. And I have come to see that to be a major weakness inherent within me - a lack of interchange between myself and others to seek an understanding of issues. More of a blind acceptance of things offered when some part of it matched what I thought I was looking for.

But that realisation came out of confronting the anger. The anger developed out of something far more frightening.

I went into Scientology believing in a certain fundamental concept - that life, or truth, is inherently beautiful and worth pursuing. And it wasn't long before being in Scientology that this concept started to clash with what was going on around me. Being a staff member threw up some horrible experiences. Before too long I was writing off my own knowingness on many issues because to do otherwise would bring about some serious conflicts. I did what I knew how to do - I produced. And hoped that in time these uncertainties would no longer exist. Instead of just confronting the issues early on when they presented themselves. The power of the group that is the Church of Scientology to override my own decision making still leaves me a little overwhelmed.

And the further I got from my original disagreements, the blacker they became, until I could hardly make them out anymore. But truth is truth, no matter how many layers of untruth ones puts over it. And my truth was that Scientology was taking me away from what I was searching for, and I was allowing it.

I've discovered that man is basically social. When you put a person in a group, and set up the rules a certain way, in order to operate in coordination with others and be a good human being, you inevitably try to fit in. You adopt the correct goals, the correct values, and you try to become what is admired by your group, and try NOT to do what produces guilt and shame. Being basically social, that's what we do.

The social rules of Scientology that Hubbard created as part of the artificial society he set up, are all designed to get you to work against your own self-interests. He exploits your deepest vulnerabilities and uses the best parts of you against yourself.

Don't be too hard on yourself for being such an idiot.

You had lots of help.
 
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Pixie

Crusader
Another beautifully written and incisive analysis, Neo.



I've discovered that man is basically social. When you put a person in a group, and set up the rules a certain way, in order to fit in socially and be a good human being, you inevitably try to fit in. Being basically social, that's what we do.

The social rules of Scientology that Hubbard created as part of the artificial society he set up, are all designed to get you to work against your own self-interests. He exploits your deepest vulnerabilities and uses the best parts of you against yourself.

Don't be too hard on yourself for being such an idiot.

You had lots of help.

As encouraging and articulate as always Alanzo, and yes, that is exactly what he did.. well said
 

Vinaire

Sponsor
I was very moved by the story Neo.

The Church has forgotten what love and human compassion is all about. Amazing that sometimes these lessons are taught to us by the most innocent of children.

Yes, the Church has forgotten.

Beautiful sentiments, Neo.

.
 

Vinaire

Sponsor
Neo, that was a very impressive a moving post! - It nails something very important about the mindset that is indoctrinated into 'us' in that cult... And it nails why it is much better to be the hell out of same cult..

Babies do have a power to sort of yank us to PT! :) - My son did that to me too.. He was perfect in every way. Nothing wrong with him at all.. Except his daddy, who was farting around with scientology and staff at the GO for long hours and no pay. He gave me that experience you tell.. Oh I was a deluded scilon, but In a very pratical sense, I realized that I needed to quit staff and make a decent income. I also realized that I couldn't buy services much. A simple finacial asessment of what was affordable and comparing to CoS prizes made that clear..

:yes:

I am glad that I had left Scientology's opressive environment before I decided to get married and be a dad.

I am very proud of my beautiful children who are doing very well. They are really sane... so sane that I still learn from watching them.

.
 

Vinaire

Sponsor
Neo wrote:

Exactly.

That was it for me, too. When I saw that after 16 years of working very hard at Scientology, I was not the person I got into Scientology to be. Not even close. In many ways, I had not progressed at all and on some ways I had gone backwards.

Exactly.

I don't think I ever became anything in Sea Org other than what I set out to be. But then I never rose up to any major position of responsibility. And when I did, it was not long before I got in trouble and was back to doing simple things.

.
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
Today I was revisited by a memory that I have not seen in some time. And it returned with a new and reinvigorated understanding. I was contemplating the concepts of communication, and the granting of life, or beingness. I was contemplating the wins I have had with these things, when I remembered a series of conversations (that's right, conversations, not comm cycles, LOL) with my grandmother many years ago.

What popped up from my Scientology experience, in relation to this incident were two basic Scientology principles - ARC, and Tone 40. I gained a new understanding on these points, or more precisely, why they don't work, the way they are used within the Co$.

A little over ten years ago my grandmother fell ill, and was rushed to the hospital. She had suffered a heart attack. When she got to the hospital she had another heart attack, and a stroke. She was in her mid seventies when this occurred, and so was not expected to live much longer. Even she didn't think so.

I rushed to the hospital as soon as I could. She looked weak, so I just sat with her, not sure what to do. The rest of the family were outside her room. It was almost as if they were dividing up her assets right there. Highly insensitive. So I stayed with my grandmother, rather than take part in any of their nonsense. No one expected her to live, not even her, but she deserved some dignity, and comfort.

I worked close to the hospital, so I returned the next day. It was just me at that time. I started talking to her about things. She was appreciative of having someone to talk to. I was happy to have someone to listen to me - but then I did have a captive audience :p

I don't recall exactly what was said, but I do remember the topic. My grandmother is a Christian. She has been all of her life. I was brought up as one, but wasn't by this stage. But we both knew this, and were ok with it. She had her beliefs, but didn't smother others with them, and I respect that. But more importantly, I was very aware of exactly what she did believe, so I was able to communicate with her. My only real intention was to give her some sense of peace. The last thing I wanted to do was mess with the belief system of an elderly woman. So we spoke. We spoke about life, love, happiness, peace. But from the Bible, or I used my experiences in such a way that it didn't contradict her beliefs.

I returned the next day, and we talked some more.

And the next day.

And then on the third day (now this IS starting to sound biblical, LOL), she was looking remarkably well, she was happy, her body was holding up, and she said to me at the end of our conversation - 'You have taught me more than all the preachers I have ever known'. And this from a woman in her seventies, that had been going to church all her life. I wish I could remember the specifics of what I said. But then I don't think it's the words that matter as much as the intention behind those words.

I wanted her to be well, and be happy. I didn't want her to DO anything, necessarily. And this lead me to think about Tone 40, and my understanding of it, and how I saw it practiced. From what I observed, the use of Tone 40 in the Co$ is not a spiritual concept but a materialistic one. It is not used for the benefit of the other, but to make the other DO what you want. Instead of putting across an intention that resonates with the other person and works with them, it requires the use of force (even force of personality) to control the other person into doing what it is you want them to do. No wonder I struggled with this whilst in the Church.

And the concept of ARC. This was one of the basic concepts that I held onto for some time. I have read many posts here that show how it is actually not true, but I didn't fully grasp it until contemplating this event with my grandmother. You see, there was no agreement on the central issue. She believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and I don't. But we were both ok with this basic disagreement. And the conversations that proceeded over the next few days were all within the context of her biblical beliefs - I wanted her to have a win. I wanted her to be at peace. So, naturally I used her belief system. And the affinity between us increased, as did the communication. Perhaps we had agreement on our disagreement, LOL. But I think that we were able to go beyond all that and just communicate.

The end result of all this is - it has been over ten years since this took place, and she is still very much alive. She has had very few physical problems. Naturally, she is very frail, but she is happy, and has only been in hospital once since then, for something quite minor. And constantly tells me how wise I am, LOL - I wont tell her about the Scientology thing then :whistling:

I think in that situation, I was able to grant her life, and she received it. And that flowed life back to me, because she wasn't resisting it. I know LRH talks about the granting of beingness being one of the most important things one can do. And I agreed with that, and still do. My disappointment was in the fact that I rarely saw it practiced in the Church. There is usually an ulterior motive. They usually want you to DO something, before they accept your Beingness. And this I found to be very stifling.

Scientology has helped me, in a sense. It has helped me put these lessons that I learnt through Scarlett, and my grandmother, into a context I didn't have before, and gain an understanding that I was lacking.

:)
 
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