Things I've done I should have fired for
Today I found myself reminiscing about working in a shitty call centre job which I hated 15 years ago. Despite underachieving massively I was kept on for for 4 years, until I finally decided to quit. As I was remembering some of the conversations I'd had with colleagues there, I came to one inescapable conclusion - My Bosses Were F**king Idiots.
No way should I have been kept employed there after some of the shit I'd pulled.
Within the first two years, I had 2 disciplinaries, one formal written warning, something like a 40% lateness rate, countless verbal warnings and 17 or so performance improvement plans (Where they 'monitor' your performance for a set period and point out everything that you did wrong), with my initial 3 months probation period (which was then extended to 6) - this means that at no point have I been employed here without having some suited twat looking over my shoulder with a clipboard 'observing me in my work environment'
And STILL they never twigged that the best thing for them would be my instant dismissal.
Which brings me to the point of this of this post - Things I have done that the company should have fired me:-
1. Racked up about 6 hours internet time a day, despite the company policy that anything over 1 hour is considered excessive.
2. Shot the Financial Director in the face with an elastic band gun, after seeing my friend about to come through the door and failing to notice the suited gentlemen walking one pace ahead of him.
3. Hid for an hour in the post room whilst said director tore the place to pieces interrogating people in an effort to find "That C**t who shot me"
4. Sat at my desk for an entire morning happily munching a box of brownies, whiting out a few hours later and then being sent home by boss-lady because she was worried that I looked 'really pale'
5. Used the opportunity of looking very ill in public to take a further two weeks off work.
6. Not realizing that an incoming call was actually one of our A-list clients and answered the phone "What's up bitch?!"
7. Outright lied to the same client when he asked to speak to the manger by telling him that he had called a residential number - A fact she accepted despite having spent 5 minutes on our hold system listening our company's god awful theme music.
8. Put on a dodgy accent and pretended to be called 'Mildred' when the client called back and, against all laws of probability, ended up speaking to me again.
9. Told a colleague whilst very drunk at office party that "I wouldn't f**k you if you were on fire"
10. Spent the next few days trying to work out exactly what the above sentence means
11. During an executive sales meeting in which some downright ridiculous ideas where raised, responded to the MD's "Any other questions" with a surly "Yeah, have you been smoking crack this morning?"
12. Finished work at 8, strolled to the pub literally across the car-park from the office for a few drinks only to wake up on the bar the next day after an all night binge with the landlady with only 5 minutes to go before starting work. Having an entire floor of sales execs stand at the windows and watch me stagger out of the pub and back across the car park at 10 in the morning was a particular highlight of my week.
13. Severely misjudged things when cheating the Telephony stats so that the next day I had to explain how it was that I managed to spend 32hrs of my 10 hour day talking to customers on the phone. (I was disciplined for with a formal verbal warning)
14. Changed the e-mail disclaimer on my bosses PC so that right in the middle, buried amongst all of the small print and jargon that nobody ever reads, it says "I have eaten babies before and will do so again unless I am stopped".
I've changed a lot since then.
