The Perils of Starting a 2D in an Org

[onthepes]

Hi All. It has taken me sometime to confront this one. I am sorry if it will restimulate others. I mean no harm. As you read these posts your thoughts get jogged towards incidents of your own. I was reading another post and there were details of people being "Out-2d" and these same people were putting in ethics on others on the 2nd Dynamic. Little wonder that we struggled with this area. LRH was clueless on this area, IMHO. Oh, if you want to know what a 2d is: It is slang for having a partner - "I have a new 2D". It relates to the 2nd Dynamic - the area of families, sex, relationships. So your 2d is your partner. Most would be aware of this but just in case.

My upset was massive. It has shaped who I am today, so there is a happy ending. Names will be repressed as it is fairly delicate.

It seems important that I write it. I feel like it will go a long way to an end cycle for me on the whole monstrosity that is Scientology. I will be writing this over the next few hours. Please be patient. I never got the right acknowledgement at the time in Scientology circles. Please be gentle with me on this one. I will write more over the next few hours, in between exercises and eating dinner. Thank you.

 

[Sindy]

I look forward to it -- take your time.

 

[sallydannce]

As Sindy said, take your time.

Breath, deeply. You inspire with your authentic courage.

 

[onthepes]

okay. 2 thirds through my exercises. More typing. I will call the other party in this case "Z", and leave it at that. I had a relationship with Z in 2006.

To set the scene, I wanted to let you all know of my state of mind and my condition at that time. I came to Scientology after watching an interview with JT. I liked his beingness and thought there was something in this stuff. I went into the Org in August 2004. My 18 year relationship was turning to shit. It had been shit for way too long. We parted ways in September 2004. She was not a Scientologist. It was not related to Scientology. I basically had had a couple of free Book One sessions and had barely mentioned it to my ex. She thought it was good for me. We split and there was a lot of crap going on between us. Our boys were still fairly young and at that quite impressionable age. We both knew it was over. I was really happy with my Book One sessions and was feeling calmer. I had been having Panic Attacks for about 10 years to that point.

There was so much garbage flying around between the ex and I. Somehow I was handling it personally better than before. It was upsetting me, but not deeply. I found myself being more determined and saying things that I would not say previously out of fear. I was talking to people in the workplace that I had not talked to before because I was intimidated. I was having friendships with people I was not talking to before. My panic attacks had gone. I have never had them since.

I had done some Life Improvement Courses and loved them. I had massive wins on the Personal Values and Integrity Course and went from despising my ex to turning up on her doorstep and giving her some flowers and a hug. I just said "Sorry". I knew I had done bad to this person and really got an understanding. THere was no regret. Only relief. I never experienced that phenomona again writing up O/Ws.

I was really a part-time Scientologist at that point. I had about 50 hours of Book One and delivered it as well. I got to a point where I was bored with that and felt it was time to move on to other things. Life was really nice. I would still get anxious but never to the volume before. I liked people and people seemed to like me. I was smiling a lot. I weighed 76kg , I was going to the gym. I only smoked about 6 cigarettes at night time. I had a wonderful unit that I picked up for a bargain. My boys liked coming there. I was going to the gym regularly with one of my sons.

In retrospect, that would have been the perfect time to end cycle on Scientology and just put a few of the basic tenets in practice in future. This was possibly the happiest time of my life. I do feel that way now. But at that point.........things were about to change...

 

[onthepes]

oh and thank you Sindy and Sallydance. You are both lovely. I am starting to feel different already just writing this stuff down . More in a mo

 

[Sindy]

oh and thank you Sindy and Sallydance. You are both lovely. I am starting to feel different already just writing this stuff down . More in a mo

Can't wait.

 

[sallydannce]

oh and thank you Sindy and Sallydance. You are both lovely. I am starting to feel different already just writing this stuff down . More in a mo

With ya all the way onthepes.

 

[onthepes]

Okay. As I said, I was kind of piss arsing around with Scientology. I loved it but I had not established the fixed glare as yet. I had no thoughts on throwing myself into it.

I saw Z regularly around the Org. She was very much in command of her space; extremely vibrant; attractive; great laugh and also dressed a little sluttily which appealed to me for some reason. I liked her but never entertained the idea of a 2D with her. After all, she was a senior terminal and although I was having wonderful case gain, I could put what I knew about Scientology on a postage stamp.

I rarely went to events. I could not comprehend them. All I knew was there was this guy who was called COB and he could talk really fast and he was mentioning statistics that sounded pleasant. I applauded accordingly. My arse would get sore a lot and I would dissapear outside for a cigarette. I was still a 6 a night man.

This was a New Year's Event. I already had a plan to piss off after the event immediately so I could have a nice cold beer at a pub. After enduring the tiny man on the big screen rattling off his stats, I was beyond thirsty. DM was driving me to drink.....not that I needed a driver. At event's close everyone was hugging each other. Z gave me a hug and kissed my on the neck. I was so naive I actually missed it. You must understand. Although I had great case gain I was still one of these dudes "whistling past the graveyard". There was still a deal I was not confronting and was essentially still a bit of a pussy, and I would go home at night to rest in my kitty litter. A week went by......

 

[onthepes]

So it is nearly a week after the New Year's Event. It is January 2006. I am walking down the road thinking "this will be a good year". Back then there was a Purif / Objectives package. It was really good value. I won some money at the Pokies to cover most of it. I immediately drove in to the Org and put all the money down (except the price of one carton of beer). I was pumped. SOo......walking down the road. I get a text. Basically the person, who was remaining anonymous, said that they liked me. I was pleased but confused.

I texted back "Thanks, ummm, who is this". They sent another nice text. After many nebulous texts back and forth, the formidable Z admitted who she was. She asked for my MSN id and for the next few nights we chatted for hours. It was becoming something more than a couple of pals chatting. After many hours I confessed that I was falling in love with her. She said that she was already in love. I was amazed as I thought this person was perfect and complete conceptual understanding in a g-string. We decided to meet outside the Org. She came to my place.

All of a sudden we were seeing each other 4 times a week. This was a lot for Z. She had only been with her previous 2d one night a week and she said "that was too much".

Life was beautiful. We were like "peas and carrots". We laughed a lot. She had organized somehow to be on the Purif with me. We would duck off into the steam room and have a pash. Needless to say the Purif was shitloads of fun.

I was going to work and smiling and telling people I have met the woman of my dreams. I really believed that. After 4 weeks together Z proposed to me. Naturally I accepted. It seemed inevitable.

 

[onthepes]

Z had a previous 2D. He was a Scientologist. He was a very able guy. Extremely good looking to most women. He had been on staff for 10 years and was very welll liked by fellow staff and public. I liked him too. He was nearly a Clear and was on his Ned. He had gone interstate and Z was still texting him. I thought this was okay. She constantly told me - almost every day - that she had "no interest" in him, he was "All PR" and she "did not know what I saw in him". Although green around the gills, I thought it was odd that she mentioned him every day. I was a little bored with it. But I trusted her. We were still getting along. Then, he told her via text, he was finished with is 2d interstate and that he was coming back. In the space of a week , he came back to here, went back interstate to sort it out, and then come back again. This made things a little different as I could tell that Z still had something for this guy. He was interstate before so it did not matter. Now he was back locally. Good grief.

Over the next 2 weeks, Z was acting very strange. Her affection had dropped off, she was snappy and more and more out of comm. This was a bad mix as I was infatuated and was a bit too obsessed to be frank.

It was the night of LRH's Birthday Event. Z was there . She looked lovely. However, she also looked really awkward and pre-occupied. She ridged on me when I turned up there. She kept going outside during the event. I went to hug her and she stopped me saying "shhh, Sea Org is here". That was weird as other people were cuddling at the event . Even staff members. I had a strained conversation with her ex 2D. The whole night was awful. The event was shit as usual and the vibe at impending doom on it. She asked me to take her daughter home. Z got home about 2 hours after us.

 

[onthepes]

I was already feeling like shit. I was chain smoking waiting for her return. I asked her flat out what was happening. She told me that she wanted to see less of me, like once a week. On reflection that was not a bad offer. Also, it is best now that it never prolonged. I began to cry...and cry...and cry. It was so embarrassing. I think she must have thought I was a certifiable lunatic. I asked her if it was because her 2d was back. She re-iterated that it was not and she had "nil interest". I blamed it all on my previous ex, which was non-sequitor but I could not fathom that Z could be wrong. With her experience , she was basically LRH in drag.

For the next few days it was awkward. I went to Z's house and she was in a mood. The lovely person I knew was replaced by something else. She was ignoring me and snapping at her daughters. I went and laid down. I was exhausted. I thought "I cannot stay here" and I told her. She looked stunned. I was trying to get my clothes into my car and was dropping them. I was a wreck. I was scared of her at this point. I was PTS and all thumbs. Suddenly she had become a dragon. I went home and indulged in some grief

 

[onthepes]

So it was essentially over. Not officially. I never wanted it to end. The next week in the Org was dreadful. We were in each other's space and were uncomfortable. She was barely talking. When her ex-2d came in they would sit on the balcony and chat for ages. She still had feelings for him and had confessed many times that she was a wreck when they had split up. She even told me they were going to start playing tennis together.

I had learned a deal about Ethics Tech. I had read where people blow perfectly decent relationships or jobs because of O/Ws. I was nervous but I showed her the reference and asked her if she was withholding anything and would it not be best to express it. She said she did not.

I was a mental shadow at this point. I went to the Ethics Officer. She was cool. But the problem was she was Z's best friend. Z was basically her mentor, confidante and best buddy. The EO approached Z and advised her to tell me what was going on.

The EO saw me and said "Z will see you now". It was like I should be honoured by her presence. Z was on the balcony. She said "I do have a withhold on you. I am not ready for a relationship. I am truly sorry. I feel like a bitch". I know that she did . She said "I'm aberrated. I don't know why I feel this way". She said "Don't worry, I can still help you get through your TRs and I can still give you the Drug Rundown for free"
That made no sense to me. If we were no longer a 2D how could she give me this Drug Rundown.

What I realise now, from being on this board, is that she represented the dichotomies of Scientology: good/bad; promise/no delivery; love/hate; inspire/crush.

This was the beginning of a downward spiral, that lasted for some time.

 

[ryanmac]

Your story is great my friend, thankyou for taking the time to type it out. Sadly I can see similarities with my time in, not as extensive but relateable. Thanks for helping me by reading your story.

 

[onthepes]

so at her best Z was adorable, but if you got on her bad side, this woman was vicious, callous, malicious and would destroy you without a second thought. She once told me "I love seeing people propitiate to me" and "I am very much at Cause".

You see people in Scientology, particularly at Flag, confuse "being at Cause" as being "Cold in the extreme". "Science of Survival" could easily be renamed "Seven habits of Highly Suppressive People".

There was something in me, that Z wanted to crush. It was bizarre.

Everyone was intimidated by her in the Org. I was in heavy grief. They only person I could go to was the EO. She had a conflict ini interest. Z had been comm eved before and was petrified of any heavy ethics action. If she could make me out to look bad, then that would handle everything.

The E/O suggested I write up O/Ws on Z. I did. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. For no fucking relief. I could not work out why the hell I was writing up O/Ws if Z ended the relationship.

Z got out of doing the TRs with me. Another about-face. I was twinned on TRs and Objectives with a guy who had the charisma of a hedgehog. He was stiff, cool and heavily introverted.

The guy would wipe his forehead with the back of his hand. When I offered my hand in greeting he just looked at it , mortified. He would come in just before course and leave immediately after, barely talking to anyone. He was sitting on something big.

Later on, long after the event, the Senior C/S told me the guy was basically an illegal PC. He did not say as much, but the guy had been flowing to his Bridge and the Org needed the money. This man went onto the Bridge after Objectives. I am deeply saddened, and hate to say it here (it ties my stomach in knots), he decided that he was not so enchanted with life on Planet Earth and took his own life before his next Bridge action. As much as I was not so fond of him, it was a tragic waste, and he had extroverted a bit more to what his original condition when he first arrived. That one hangs like a black cloud. It is another story in itself but I am remiss to go into that one I'm sorry.

 

[onthepes]

Your story is great my friend, thankyou for taking the time to type it out. Sadly I can see similarities with my time in, not as extensive but relateable. Thanks for helping me by reading your story.

Thank you Ryan. I was hoping to help others with the story. It is a sad tale. Happy ending. I just touched on something now about my Objectives twin . I thought I was okay with it . The tears on my face suggest otherwise. You are a good man, Ryan

 

[onthepes]

actually i am balling like a baby now but must go on

 

[sallydannce]

actually i am balling like a baby now but must go on

Thank you for your authentic courage. I really really mean this onthepes.

Here....have a tissue...

 

[FoTi]

so at her best Z was adorable, but if you got on her bad side, this woman was vicious, callous, malicious and would destroy you without a second thought. She once told me "I love seeing people propitiate to me" and "I am very much at Cause".

You see people in Scientology, particularly at Flag, confuse "being at Cause" as being "Cold in the extreme". "Science of Survival" could easily be renamed "Seven habits of Highly Suppressive People".

There was something in me, that Z wanted to crush. It was bizarre.

Everyone was intimidated by her in the Org. I was in heavy grief. They only person I could go to was the EO. She had a conflict ini interest. Z had been comm eved before and was petrified of any heavy ethics action. If she could make me out to look bad, then that would handle everything.

The E/O suggested I write up O/Ws on Z. I did. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. For no fucking relief. I could not work out why the hell I was writing up O/Ws if Z ended the relationship.

Z got out of doing the TRs with me. Another about-face. I was twinned on TRs and Objectives with a guy who had the charisma of a hedgehog. He was stiff, cool and heavily introverted.

The guy would wipe his forehead with the back of his hand. When I offered my hand in greeting he just looked at it , mortified. He would come in just before course and leave immediately after, barely talking to anyone. He was sitting on something big.

Later on, long after the event, the Senior C/S told me the guy was basically an illegal PC. He did not say as much, but the guy had been flowing to his Bridge and the Org needed the money. This man went onto the Bridge after Objectives. I am deeply saddened, and hate to say it here (it ties my stomach in knots), he decided that he was not so enchanted with life on Planet Earth and took his own life before his next Bridge action. As much as I was not so fond of him, it was a tragic waste, and he had extroverted a bit more to what his original condition when he first arrived. That one hangs like a black cloud. It is another story in itself but I am remiss to go into that one I'm sorry.

You are telling your story well. Thanks for sharing with us. I have experienced similar dicotomies with Scientologists.....it's really weird. :mindblow: And a confusing, insane, painful experience.

 

[ryanmac]

actually i am balling like a baby now but must go on

In your own time mate!

 

[onthepes]

must continue. So here I was at the start of Objectives. I was in heavy grief and felt little ARC for my twin. At that point , I could not tell anyone, I wanted to do myself in. It was that dark. I began to chain smoke from the start of morning until I went to bed. I was not drinking alcohol. My life was work, and then Objectives. No fun. I went from 76kg to 62kg in a few months. My face was gaunt.

I was essentially auditing someone who was illegal for the next 250 hours, who consistently bull-bait me on my auditing. His auditing was shithouse. Many staff and public said I was great. Even Z said it to me at the end of Objectives.

It was no secret that Z would covertly push me through this cycle with this twin, she wanted to "toughen me up". She had a big say in what went down with this cycle.

Nobody messed with Z. Nobody confronted her. I had nobody to turn to. The E/O was her friend. The ED told me that Z "Was too big a Thetan" to confront. The OES admitted to Z that he had a lack of confront on her. So it was me up against this strange PC, knowing that I could not complain or I would be told to "harden the fuck up" by others.

I was a shell, and I thought it must have been my fault. It could not be Z. Could it???

I remember auditing my twin. Objectives is quite cruel actually. Hour after hour of the same command, in a new unit of time. It was exhausting. I spent 250 hours on my PC. I think that was great under the circumstances.

I recall walking this human brick around the room. Suddenly his eyes widened in awe. He looked blown away. I said "What's happening?" He looked at me incredulously like why was I asking and said "Oh nothing". We would go for hours past the EP before he would Red Tag and cough it up in Review. faaaaaaaaarrrrrrkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!