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Top 100 Stupid Moments in Scientology PART 4

Discussion in 'Evaluating and Criticising Scientology' started by HelluvaHoax!, Apr 25, 2017.

  1. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    I am unable to give you verbal tech.

    Wait, this is not verbal, I am typing.

    Nonetheless, I am still unable to answer your question because I am bogged down on a word chain since October of last year. What happened was that I was listening to an LRH audio lecture where he talked about how he the most successful race car driver on the wholetrack. It seems that to slow him down SPs put nuclear bombs on the race track. I went blank when he said that nuclear bombs were exploded on a race track because that would annihilate all the cars, murder all the drivers and kill all the fans in the stands too. So how could there be more than one race? Doesn't make sense, I thought to myself.

    Well! They then sent me to the WORD CLEARER and using an e-meter he scientifically determined that I must have had an MU on the word "Nuclear". Then word clearers said that "...all disagreements come from a misunderstood word". I said it was a "protest read" since it is beyond ridiculous that nuclear bombs are exploding during a car race, LOL. So, when I stopped laughing, I said: "You have GOT to be joking!!!"

    That little comment got me a routing form to Ethics for joking and degrading Ron's wholetrack recall.

    Anyways, they had me doing clay demos of all the definitions of the word "nuclear" which took 3 weeks. I still didn't get it.

    So then they had me do clay demos of all the words within the definitions (328 words). Yes, that's 328 clay demos. To get passes on all of them it took me 17 weeks. But I still disagreed.

    So, they made me pay for a STUDENT RESCUE RUNDOWN ($25,300) and began assessing "STUDY CORRECTION LISTS". Finally it read on "Missing Mass". So they ordered me to go to a nuclear plant and do the tour, in order to get a balance of mass and significance.

    I protested that I didnt need to go on a tour of a nuclear facility because I already knew what a nuclear bomb was. They sent me back to ethics for "refusal to apply standard study tech" which is both a Suppressive Act and High Crime. That's when I said: "Seriously? I mean are you guys secretly filming me for an episode of Scientology's Funniest Home Videos?" The MAA just stared at me. So I asked: "Are you punking me?" That earned me a NON ENTURBULATION ORDER.

    During my Com Ev, they demanded to know what made me think I knew more than L. Ron Hubbard, who is both a doctor and a nuclear physicist. I told them that Ron wasn't a doctor or a nuclear physicist, so they declared me an SP.

    THE GOOD NEWS: In my DECLARE ORDER they left the door open a crack. In order to get back on the Bridge, all I need to do is publicly renounce and rebuke my doubts about Ron's wholetrack exploits as a race car driver. After my false-data stripping and several tech briefings, I came to understand that Ron was able to steer around nuclear explosions because as a Clear his reaction time was really fast! So now I am back on course and my student points for the 9 month correction cycle didn't even fit on my graph (1,423,972 points this week, because I was able to count all the things I completed in Qual).

    MORE WINS: My graph was so "POWER" that they had to use 82 pieces of graph paper and it went up to the ceiling and around the room 3 times, in order to fit my power-trending line! Photographers from Advance! magazine came and took some great shots of me on a ladder marking in the graph, which will appear in the OT WINS section of the upcoming issue.
    Tanchi likes this.
  2. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    Transcriptionist Error: Double Post (DELETED):

    No worries, I handled the transcriptionist--they are already in the RPF (Repetitive Posting Force).
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2018
  3. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    ANSWER: The answer is that if you miss even one definition WITHIN the definition you lose your eternity. But it's far more dangerous than that. If you miss even one word within the definition of the definition of any definition of a word you are trying to get the definition of, you not only lose your eternity but you dine alone and in the dark, or something like that. Actually, sometimes I don't mind dining alone, so I don't know why Scientologists are trying to make it such a big ruin and shit.

    Tech on dining alone in the dark at 30 seconds: CLICK LINK FOR MORE.
  4. freethinker

    freethinker Sponsor

    So you now understand how the Green Bomber was able to be put back in a new body and returned to continue the race?
  5. freethinker

    freethinker Sponsor

    You have absinthe with your dinner too?
  6. JackStraw

    JackStraw Silver Meritorious Patron

    Of course, on Course, the next day your stats are going to drop like a rock and it's back to ethics with you!:swear:

    (no good deed goes unpunished...:sadangel:)

    guanoloco and HelluvaHoax! like this.
  7. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    You know, watching you DBs natter is quite amusing.

    Just recently, the Commodore and myself sat on the Van Allen Belt musing about how aberrated wogs are when the topic of DBs, Can't Haves and excessive Alter-Ises came up. We had just finished a game of "Dodge the Venusian Freight Locomotive" and the comm cycle drifted to the out-PR sit of quote-unquote failed cases that you lot dramatize here on MEST Teegeeak.

    Well, I'm afraid to say that if you're withholds are so dear that they just can't be parted with then Ron has no contract with any being and you can just all die the dark...on this planet.
  8. freethinker

    freethinker Sponsor

    Have you ever tried clearing Sum Gum War Su Up in the Oxford?
  9. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    The basic-basic thing that makes Scientologists amongst the stupidest people that ever walked the face of the earth.

    Their reaction to being given R-Factors, that contain No Reality, whatsoever.

    Example: When Hubbard dropped dead, a thug named Miscavige took the stage in a ridiculous naval costume, and with all the gravitas he could muster he duly informed the faithful victims of Hubbard's hoax (at 2:14):

    "He has now moved on to his next level of OT research.
    This level is beyond what any one of us ever imagined."

    What Scientologists should have said: "WOT?"

    Instead, they said: "WOW!"

    How could anyone in their right mind believe the obvious con job delivered by Miscavige? He had not done the level. How would he know what it is? How would anyone know it is 'beyond their imagination' if they didn't know what it was?

    This is the stuff cults are made of. BIG LIES about mysterious unknown things that nobody has ever seen, immediately followed by awe, gratitude and applause.

    It's a kind of gargantuan misunderstood word phenomena, confusing those two 3-letter words that bow begin with a "W". When Hubbard said, "I nearly got run over by a frieght locomotive the other day on Venus", audience members should have immediately begun their due diligence and stood up, demanding "WOT?!" As in, "Hey! Where's the evidence on that crazy shit, dude?"

    Those two words are so similar but so opposite. The clue to understanding the difference is that one features an WOT" in it and the other has an WO/W in it".

  10. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    That's hilarious. R-factors with zero reality.

    So true!!

    That's Scientology. All the A with fake affinity. All the C that's surrounded by everything you don't talk about.
    HelluvaHoax! likes this.
  11. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    Nominated For Your Consideration

    The Scientology Tone Scale
    (graphic taken from actual tone scale)


    The Scientology Tone Scale


    tesseract likes this.
  12. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    One of the stupidest things in Scientology has always been their shocking inability to get people into the org, resorting to the lame, loser tech called "Body Routing".

    HOW IT WORKS: The "Body Router" goes out on the street and tries to increase Wogs ARC for Scientology enough to come into the org. In order to do that the Body Router necessarily has to lie his ass off and not tell the mark what is really going on.

    WHAT THE BODY ROUTER MUST SAY: "Hey, wanna learn about yourself and discover what is holding you back from total happiness, total wealth and total freedom? Because today only we are offering you a FREE personality test!"

    WHAT THE BODY ROUTER MUST NEVER SAY: "Hey, the FREE personality test is going to actually cost you a tad bit more. Because right now you're tech estimate is exactly the same as every other living person on earth. Six-Hundred Thousand Dollars. The "FREE" part is that we will inform you about your tech estimate at absolutely no cost to you--on a gradient, a little bit at a time, over the next 3-4 decades."

    WHAT HAPPENS AFTER A BODY HAS SUCCESSFULLY BEEN ROUTED? Eventually what happens is that the thetan inside the body realizes that he/she is paying for auditing hundreds of thousands of other thetans that are stuck inside his body. At that point, the thetan routes his body back out of the org, taking his thetan with it. Scientologists hate when that happens because it is a high crime for anyone to route a body to a non-standard location (outside the org).

    JustSheila likes this.
  13. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    [ IAS: Inestimably Astonishing Stupidity)

    FACT: If Scientology worked, Scientologists would never need to do engage any of the following gimmicks:
    • Body Routing
    • Free Personality Tests
    • Free Introductory "Movies" (infomercials)
    • Hard Sell Regging
    • Crush Sell Regging
    • Used car sales tricks from "Big League Closing Techniques"
    • Finding people's ruins
    • Scaring people with ruins, implants, walls of fire and other life-threatening nightmares if they don't buy now.
    • Terrorizing people with ethics, declare, disconnection & fair game if they try to get off their total freedom "bridge".

    FICTION: Ask any Scientologist why people don't want to do Scientology. They will look you in the eye without blinking and assure you it is because "their bank is stopping them". They will never admit that it is because Scientology doesn't work.


    guanoloco and tesseract like this.
  14. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    The following post was inspired by a "Savage Chickens" cartoon posted on another thread by F.Bullbait.


    - - - - - - - - - -​

    Variation on theme: If "Savage Chickens" were to be misappropriated as Savagely Uber Cult KSWologists ("SUCK"):

    SUCK #1
    My New Year's resolution is to Salvage This Sector.

    SUCK #2
    You should pick something easier.

    SUCK #1
    Okay. Um, to Clear this Planet.

    SUCK #2
    Something easier.

    SUCK #1
    Really? Okay--to create a planet
    without war, insanity & criminality.

    SUCK #2
    Easier than that.

    SUCK #1
    Seriously? Okay--to reverse the dwindling spiral
    of homo sapiens by restoring the theta to entheta ratio on this planet.

    SUCK #2

    SUCK #1
    Damn. We're really cutting the gradient back.
    Um, to get in ethics in this city--so that tech can go in.

    SUCK #2
    Easier than that.

    SUCK #1
    Um, to raise $20M so we can convert our loser org into an Ideal Org
    that will instantly boom our stats to highest-ever
    orders of unprecedented magnitude.

    SUCK #1

    SUCK #2 uncross the org's cash/bills graph so that we
    can convince the Financial Planning Committee to buy toilet paper.

    SUCK #1

    SUCK #2
    Jeez. How about, um---to file more particles
    on my post as Central Files clerk than I
    did last week and thus get liberty on
    Friday to see the new Star Trek movie.

    SUCK #1

    SUCK #2
    Whoa! Well how about my particles filed stat is upstat this week and I am
    allowed to send in a CSW requesting only 3 hours off post, to see Star Trek.

    SUCK #1
    Cool, that'll work. But that whole thing about getting your
    stats up this week is too reasonable. To blow post like that
    for 3 hours, your graph is going to have to be at least on
    a 3-week affluence trend, plus naturally you're going to
    have to make up lost production time and do an amends
    project that makes up the damage for trying to
    sabotage Ron's goal to Salvage This Sector.

    Last edited: Jan 2, 2019
  15. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on


    The following hilarious and brilliant observation was
    posted on another thread by PirateAndBum.

    - - - - - - - - -


    Nice "end phenomena" for a lifetime of dedicated training, auditing & spending oneself into oblivion.

    The above true EP of OT VIII suggests a new piece of useful technology for a being to "escape the trap" they find themselves in. A condition, in fact, even lower than the lowest ethics condition of Confusion.



    1. Do not listen to nor try to clay demo or apply the LRH OT VIII tech that would have you thinking "I now know who I am not and am ready to find out to I really am".

    2. Instead of finding out who you really are: FIND OUT WHO/WHAT YOU HAVE REALLY BECOME (pursuant to your decades-long exposure to Scientology).

    3. After listing out all of the disgraceful, cringey & disreputable things you have become, clay demo each one and why you thought it was a good idea at the time to duplicate and adopt that particular anti-social trait/valence belonging to Hubbard.

    4. Continue the above until Scientologists begin screaming at you that you are "insane" and "evil" and "psychotic". This signifies and confirms that you have regained your sanity.

    Last edited: Jan 4, 2019
  16. PirateAndBum

    PirateAndBum Gold Meritorious Patron

    LOL, I just figured out DM's EP for OT X hoxie:

    "I am a meat body."
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2019
  17. PirateAndBum

    PirateAndBum Gold Meritorious Patron

    I must say, it's damned hard doing this extensive research into the tech. These tech breakthroughs are breath-taking in their scope. They will reverberate down the ages right down the back steps of the front porch to eternity. (Watch out for the mud puddle at the bottom of the stairs mind you.)

    Cost to reach OT VII - $500,000

    Cost to reach OT X - another $500,000.

    I've saved a lot of people one million smackers. Please contribute to ESMB to the degree of savings rendered.

    Humbly tendered as a gift to mankind this January 3, 2019. Now offically to be known as AS 0, Jan 3 AS 0. (After Scientology)
  18. guanoloco

    guanoloco As-Wased

    This was a fun one to do while bullbaiting.

    Give out the cog "I just realized that I'm not my meat body!"

    Follow that up with "Yeah...I'm your meat body!"

    Then go into a bunch of antics of being their meat body. Kills them every time.
  19. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    There must be a SCIENTOLOGY SCALE in all this "body" business.

    In the theme park known as ScientologyLand, there is always a scale that goes from the Deified to the Degraded.

    IDEAL BODY (no somatics, indefatigable, invisible[sup]1[/sup])







    DEAD BODY[sup]2[/sup]

    [sup]1[/sup] Invisible Body: Per the confidential OT VII material, when the PRe-OT has reached the EP of the level, their body will appear "invisible" to them. Before they are allowed to attest to this supernatural state, the Pre-OT must also pass a meter check to verify that their bank account balance also appears invisible to them.

    [sup]2[/sup] Dead Body: This is the most degraded condition possible in because it can no longer produce income to send uplines to the Commodore/COB. The lone exception to this is when the cult leader's body dies, which is the most OT condition possible. Scientology management clarified the seeming contradiction in a written press release, stating: "People who do not understand why Ron's death was a huge win are suffering from the study barrier known as "missing mass". In order to get the mass and attain full conceptual understanding, we strongly suggest that they should simply drop dead."
    tesseract likes this.
  20. HelluvaHoax!

    HelluvaHoax! Platinum Meritorious Sponsor with bells on

    Inspired by a righteous rant (lol) about "Ron The Philosopher", on another thread. . .

    - - - - - -​


    L. Ron Hubbard was a Philosopher
    in the same way that Charles Ponzi was an Economist
    and Joseph Goebbels was a Motivational Speaker