Top 100 Stupid Moments in Scientology PART 4

[guanoloco]

.

a brand new feature on
The Stupid Thread

"WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SCIENTOLOGY. . ."


OWNED A SKYDIVING SCHOOL?

You would have to buy years worth of training at lavish expense
to study Ron's wholetrack research and breakthough on the planet's
only advanced and 100% workable technology for skydiving.

And, you'd be required to purchase two (2) Standard Golden Age of Skydiving Parachutes.

All that before you would be allowed to enjoy your first skydive.

But before that, you would be required to get an "Invitation"
from a person you never met or saw that would allow
you to go to the airport to skydive.

However, before you could go the airport, you would
be required to demonstrate your "contributions" to
the company that sold you the courses/parachutes
and prove you helped introduce many other
paying students to the business.

But, before you would be allowed to board the shuttle van
that would take you to the airport at a confidential location,
you would have to pass a lie detector test to ensure you
were going to use the parachute tech in an ethical way.

When the van arrived at the airport, before being allowed off,
you would be required to make a substantial donation to
the IAS (International Association of Skydivers).

Before being allowed on the plane you would have to turn in
and pay for your two (2) parachutes to be "Silver Cert-ed"
since it has been more than a year since you bought them.

While you are waiting for your parachutes to come back, you
would be required to rent a room at the Skydiving Hotel and
after checking into your room, you would be informed that
you needed to pay for and do a "Refresher Course" and
a "Six Month Check" since you graduated the HSSSC (Hubbard
Standard Skydiving Specialist Course) more than 181 days earlier.

Once aboard the plane you would get a mandatory briefing
where you would be informed that even though you were
qualified to be on the skydiving plane and take off--
you were not yet qualified to jump out of the plane
when it was at altitude. In order to do that, you
would have to make a substantial donation
to the Ideal Airport Fund, that the
company would use to build
new high-tech runway
and hangar.

When the plane hits altitude, you would then be asked
if you really wanted for your dive master (that would
accompany you on your first dive to ensure safety) to be a student
skydiver---or if you wanted to pay for an actual Class VIII professional skydiver
that could save your life in the event of a mid-air emergency. You naturally
then would let them take your charge card, but before they ran it, they
would tell you that it would actually not be that safe unless you paid an extra
$5000 to have a Class XII Master Skydiver who is the only dive master who has
never had one of their student-divers die due to malfunctions or other stuff
that always happens---so you pay $10,000 just to be on the safe side.

Now you are finally ready for your first dive. Your dive master secures the
tether between your gear and his own and you both leap out and begin
freefalling earhward in an exhilerating rush of air, noise and motion!

Midair, you get the signal to pull the chute cord and do so. But your
chute does not open. Frantically your instructor signals you to
pull your reserve chute. That doesn't open either. Now
you are clinging on for dear life to your dive-master as
you plummet downward at a deadly accelerating rate.

The dive master screams: "Whoever packed your damn chutes
must have been PTS. You should have paid the extra fee for a Class XIII
Chute-Packing Specialist to do a CES (Chute Error Summary)
and this wouldn't have happened!" Over the din, you scream back:"What
do I do now?!!!" As the instructor disconnects your tether (to ensure his own safety)
and you begin the nightmarish free-fall towards your certain death, he shouts
down to you from far above: "Just make it go right...and don't get all by-passed
charge-ey & victim-ey about it, because we'll keep the unused credit from
your skydiving package on your account for next lifetime."

.

.​

I was with you (I really was...no foolin) right up to the part that you jump.

If it was Scientology that's when they hand you a chunk of concrete and shove you out the door.

 

[Bill]

.

a brand new feature on
The Stupid Thread

"WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SCIENTOLOGY. . ."


OWNED A SKYDIVING SCHOOL?

You would have to buy years worth of training at lavish expense
to study Ron's wholetrack research and breakthough on the planet's
only advanced and 100% workable technology for skydiving.

And, you'd be required to purchase two (2) Standard Golden Age of Skydiving Parachutes.

All that before you would be allowed to enjoy your first skydive.

But before that, you would be required to get an "Invitation"
from a person you never met or saw that would allow
you to go to the airport to skydive.

However, before you could go the airport, you would
be required to demonstrate your "contributions" to
the company that sold you the courses/parachutes
and prove you helped introduce many other
paying students to the business.

But, before you would be allowed to board the shuttle van
that would take you to the airport at a confidential location,
you would have to pass a lie detector test to ensure you
were going to use the parachute tech in an ethical way.

When the van arrived at the airport, before being allowed off,
you would be required to make a substantial donation to
the IAS (International Association of Skydivers).

Before being allowed on the plane you would have to turn in
and pay for your two (2) parachutes to be "Silver Cert-ed"
since it has been more than a year since you bought them.

While you are waiting for your parachutes to come back, you
would be required to rent a room at the Skydiving Hotel and
after checking into your room, you would be informed that
you needed to pay for and do a "Refresher Course" and
a "Six Month Check" since you graduated the HSSSC (Hubbard
Standard Skydiving Specialist Course) more than 181 days earlier.

Once aboard the plane you would get a mandatory briefing
where you would be informed that even though you were
qualified to be on the skydiving plane and take off--
you were not yet qualified to jump out of the plane
when it was at altitude. In order to do that, you
would have to make a substantial donation
to the Ideal Airport Fund, that the
company would use to build
new high-tech runway
and hangar.

When the plane hits altitude, you would then be asked
if you really wanted for your dive master (that would
accompany you on your first dive to ensure safety) to be a student
skydiver---or if you wanted to pay for an actual Class VIII professional skydiver
that could save your life in the event of a mid-air emergency. You naturally
then would let them take your charge card, but before they ran it, they
would tell you that it would actually not be that safe unless you paid an extra
$5000 to have a Class XII Master Skydiver who is the only dive master who has
never had one of their student-divers die due to malfunctions or other stuff
that always happens---so you pay $10,000 just to be on the safe side.

Now you are finally ready for your first dive. Your dive master secures the
tether between your gear and his own and you both leap out and begin
freefalling earhward in an exhilerating rush of air, noise and motion!

Midair, you get the signal to pull the chute cord and do so. But your
chute does not open. Frantically your instructor signals you to
pull your reserve chute. That doesn't open either. Now
you are clinging on for dear life to your dive-master as
you plummet downward at a deadly accelerating rate.

The dive master screams: "Whoever packed your damn chutes
must have been PTS. You should have paid the extra fee for a Class XIII
Chute-Packing Specialist to do a CES (Chute Error Summary)
and this wouldn't have happened!" Over the din, you scream back:"What
do I do now?!!!" As the instructor disconnects your tether (to ensure his own safety)
and you begin the nightmarish free-fall towards your certain death, he shouts
down to you from far above: "Just make it go right...and don't get all by-passed
charge-ey & victim-ey about it, because we'll keep the unused credit from
your skydiving package on your account for next lifetime."

.
.



​

postscript: And your funeral would become an "Event", hosted by Skytologists who would charge your estate $25,000 for standardly delivering it. And the mourners would be r-factored that you had shed your body on your own determinism, fully at cause, because your body had become an impediment to the joyful sensation of falling. But now you were "totally free" to fall vast intergalactic distances without running into "counter-intention" and "stops" like the ground.

.​

Now, to make it more like Scientology, in the end you find out you were in a flight simulator, nobody in Skytology knows how to skydive and you are, at that point, declared suppressive.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

I was with you (I really was...no foolin) right up to the part that you jump.

If it was Scientology that's when they hand you a chunk of concrete and shove you out the door.

. . .

LOL

I was originally thinking that since it was the COS (Church of Sky-tology)---that when the guy pulled the cord(s), there wouldn't even be any parachutes packed inside those 2 canvas containers.

That's the punchline at the end of the joke called "The Bridge To Total Skydiving".

Just look up he word "total".

Total skydiving means that you get to experience EVERYTHING associated with skydiving, which includes the occasional loss of a MEST body, which is not significant. Because you have had trillions of meat bodies before. That's a scientific fact. You can verify this by checking a Skytologist on an e-meter and they will F/N on it.

.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

THE SENSATIONAL STUPIDITY OF

HOW SCIENTOLOGISTS LABOR MANY HUNDREDS OF HOURS
PRACTICING THEIR TRs, BECAUSE THEY ARE TOTALLY CERTAIN
IT WILL "INCREASE ARC" AND KEY PEOPLE OUT.
BUT INSTEAD, THEIR TRS MAKE PEOPLE
HATE SCIENTOLOGISTS AND
CALL THE POLICE

​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

This post is inspired by the previous video of the Scientology Attack Lady who knocked on the front door and then pretended she was sane--even though she was saying really insane things. So that she and Ron could create a world without insanity.

And now, a living demonstration of how a Scientologist uses their "TRs" technology to duplicate and handle others, in order to save the planet.

NORMAL PERSON
I am warning you for the last time, get off
my property before I call the police.

SCIENTOLOGY ATTACK LADY
I get that.
Nowwww, why are you doing auditing in your home.

NORMAL PERSON
What business is that of yours?

SCIENTOLOGY ATTACK LADY
I get that.
Nowwww, look--it's not standard. I want you to get all
the wins that only standard tech can bring.
You can't do auditing at home, so I'm here to handle you.

NORMAL PERSON
What do you mean, "you can't do auditing at home", that's
exactly what Hubbard told everyone to do when he wrote
Dianetics The Modern Science of Mental Health.

SCIENTOLOGY ATTACK LADY
I get that.
Nowwww, do you have anything in writing where
Ron said it's okay to audit at home?

NORMAL PERSON
Sure, it says exactly that in every single copy of the tens of
millions of Dianetics books that you people sell.

SCIENTOLOGY ATTACK LADY
I get that.
Nowwww, have you been word cleared on that?

NORMAL PERSON
I am warning you for the last time. Get off my property
because I am not only going to call the police, I am going to
open my screen door in 5 seconds--and let my 7 attack pit bulls
out and they are going to chew your face off. 5...4...3...

SCIENTOLOGY ATTACK LADY
I get that.
Nowwww, how else have you justified
doing auditing without paying us [bcolor=#ffffff]for[/bcolor] it?

NORMAL PERSON
....2.....1...

[bcolor=#ffffff](7 PIT BULLS CHARGE OUT & CHEW HER FACE OFF)[/bcolor]

SCIENTOLOGY ATTACK LADY
(says to dogs)
I get that.

.
​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

A normal day in the theta, ethical, uptone, winning life of a lovely, dedicated Scientology married couple.

OSA 2D TERMINAL #1
(enters house)
Hi honey, I'm home.

OSA 2D TERMINAL #2
Hi dear. How was work today?

OSA 2D TERMINAL #1
Oh it was great! I went to someone's
house and got my product.

OSA 2D TERMINAL #2
Wow, that's wonderful honey.
I'd love to hear your wins.

OSA 2D TERMINAL #1
Well, at the end of the cycle the person was
totally enturbulated, screaming, crying
and utterly spun in like a babbling psychotic DB.

OSA 2D TERMINAL #2
Fantastic win! But you seem slightly
worried, what's wrong honey?

OSA 2D TERMINAL#1
Well, it was such a huge win and I was
so blown out and had such a dial-wide floating TA
that I am worried that.........well, I am worried that I will
have a persistent F/N and not be able to go in session.

​

What?! You actually thought for a moment that a Scientologist was "worried" because they had a conscience? LOL

.​

​

NON-SCIENTOLOGISTS' DINKY DICTIONARY ​

OSA: 1. Office Of Special Affairs. 2. The branch of Scientology that applies the "Modern Science of Mental Health" technology to make sane people people who disagree with L. Ron Hubbard's hoax go insane. ​

F/N: 1. Floating Needle 2. The e-meter reaction when a Scientologist is able to feel joyous about things that didn't happen. ​

DIAL-WIDE FLOATING TA: 1. A e-meter Tone Arm (knob) that is buttered all over the dial. 2. The meter reaction when a Scientologist is buttered all over the universe, thus attaining an advanced state of manic delusional glee.​

PERSISTENT F/N: 1. An e-meter reaction scientifically signifying that the auditing has driven the Scientologist so crazy that day that they are unable to go even crazier. When this happens the Scientologist must wait until another day (when they have become slightly saner), to try again. ​

​

​

​

.​

​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

cross-posted from another thread discussing
"HOW WAS YOUR SERVICE AT FLAG"
(Scientology's most perfectly ideal org)
- - - - - -

​

At Flag, everyone is agreeing soooooooooooooo much!
At Flag, everyone is winning sooooooooooooooo much!
AT Flag, everyone is VVGIs soooooooooooooooo much!

Typical cult conversation you hear all day, every day at Flag. . . ​

BETTY BONKERS
Hey how's it going?

FRED FANTASIC
I'm doing fantastic.

BETTY BONKERS
Yeah you look great.

FRED FANTASTIC
Yeah I feel great. How are you?

BETTY BONKERS
I am doing sooooo good!

FRED FANTASTIC
Yeah you look great!

BETTY BONKERS
Yeah, I'm totally blown out.

FRED FANTASTIC
Yeah, you look fantastic.

BETTY BONKERS
This is the best I've ever been doing my whole life.

FRED FANTASTIC
Me too! I've never felt this blown out before.

BETTY BONKERS
You look amazing. What rundown are you on?

FRED FANTASTIC
Well, technically I haven't started the auditing
yet, I'm still doing the arrival routing form.

BETTY BONKERS
Oh wow, I'm still on the arrival routing form too!

FRED FANTASTIC
Yeah, me too. But, I have gotten more wins and case gain on
this arrival routing form than all of the other arrival routing
forms I have ever done in Scientology combined!

BETTY BONKERS
Wow, me too! I started blowing charge on the airplane
100 miles before we even landed at Tampa airport!

FRED FANTASTIC
Wow, I had the same experience! How does that even happen?

BETTY BONKERS
Well, it's because there is so much theta in the space at Flag, so
you can feel the charge starting to blow if you even get close to it.

FRED FANTASTIC
Yeah totally! And you can start to feel the wins too.

BETTY BONKERS
Yeah, totally. Even before my plane took off to go to Flag, the moment
the "Fasten Seatbelt" sign came on, I could feel my engrams starting to blow.

FRED FANTASTIC
Wow, amazing. The ruin I came into Scientology to handle 20 years ago
like totally blew--when I got in line during pre-boarding.

BETTY BONKERS
Not a bad win- - -but I felt like I had just gone through the Wall of Fire
the moment I had gone through the airport metal detector.

.​

 

[Operating DB]

LOL. I thought I read "HOW WAS YOUR SERVICE FAC AT FLAG" and had to take a second look. That's what happens when you get old. Your eyes start playing tricks on you.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

cross-posted from another thread
"Can the COS survive without Miscavige?"
- - - - - -


Nominated for Winner in the Category of:
APOSTATE'S ASTOUNDING ALLEGORICAL ALLUSIONS​

​

.
Posted by Operating DB
Scientology is like the life cycle of a star. It's passed its red giant phase of the 70/80's. The current state it's in is the white dwarf stage. After the white dwarf passes on it'll be a black hole of nothingness.
.

LOL. Damn, that was so good!

I hope that others shall note & enjoy the witty wordcraft of those colorful allusions as much as I did.

.

 

[guanoloco]

LOL. I thought I read "HOW WAS YOUR SERVICE FAC AT FLAG" and had to take a second look. That's what happens when you get old. Your eyes start playing tricks on you.

Scientology can help you with that.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.
Now, to make it more like Scientology, in the end you find out you were in a flight simulator, nobody in Skytology knows how to skydive and you are, at that point, declared suppressive.
.

That is one of the very best 30-words-or-less descriptions of the hoax of Scientology ever written!

When a Skytologist sector-salvager has that CultCog, they have achieved "total freedom" from Hubbard's hubristic & hypocritically hellacious hoax.

However, Skytologists in good standing do not necessarily agree. . .

Originally Posted by Billy Blowdown
After I attained OS VII (Operating Skytologist advanced level VII), I was blown out by the gains. However, I still had not 100% handled the ruin that I came into Skytology to resolve. Then the new MARK IX PARACHUTE was released and I went back on the level. OMG, now I had more wins in each minute of Skytology sky dives than I had in all my earlier sky dives combined!!!
ML,
Billy Blowdown
Patron of IAS (Int'l Association of Skydivers)

. .

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

...

A few months marks the 10th anniversary that I have been enjoying ESMB. From time to time, I have pondered the answer to this question:

WHAT IS THE SINGLE & ESSENTIAL
CORE BELIEF OF SCIENTOLOGY?​

Think "basic-basic" on the chain, so that the entire unholy mess erases, lol.

I simply ran across too many "core beliefs" and frequently stopped wondering, on the vague notion that trying to find "one" fundamental stupid idea could be any stupider than the rest. That quest felt like being supplied with a spoon and then told to go outside and catch the rain before it makes everything wet.

Perhaps, the question is framed in a way that makes it futile to find the root Scientology "essence" that degrades, corrupts and destroys everything within its gravitational field; (essence - noun: the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something, especially something abstract, that determines its character).

Maybe this is like trying to discover who/what is the "Prime Mover, Unmoved". Jeez, that would be more advanced than mere "total cause", it would be the "cause of the cause" (or in Scientologese--the causeness of the causeness, lol.

So, one may wonder, why is this post even on the "Stupid Thread"? I don't know, maybe this. . .

Axiom: Scientology is so stupid that Scientologists don't even know what Scientology is.​

​

Corollary: Scientology is so stupid that even ex-Scientologists don't know exactly WTF happened.​

​

So, what is Scientology's essential core element (belief, idea, concept, lie, trick, implant, koolaid, misdirection, con, fraud, brainwashing, hoax, gimmick, psychological legerdemain, et al) that lies at the origin point of a the metaphysical virus known as the COS (Cult of Stupefaction)?

I think that every one of the billion posts I have read/made is actually a search for the answer.

Since I have things to do at the moment (in the MEST universe, on this planet), I will make designate this:

PART I: (to be continued)

.​

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

.

PART II: WHAT IS THE SINGLE & ESSENTIAL CORE BELIEF OF SCIENTOLOGY?


Hmmmm, I just thought of something.

What if the essence of Scientology is simply making people stupid?

So they think stupid thoughts.

And do stupid things.

And to make people too stupid to realize what Scientology is doing?

And, even if someone figured it out, they would stupidly keep looking for another "better" or "more logical" answer.
LOL

END OF PART II (to be continued)​

.

 

[Churchill]

.

PART II: WHAT IS THE SINGLE & ESSENTIAL CORE BELIEF OF SCIENTOLOGY?


Hmmmm, I just thought of something.

What if the essence of Scientology is simply making people stupid?

So they think stupid thoughts.

And do stupid things.

And to make people too stupid to realize what Scientology is doing?

And, even if someone figured it out, they would stupidly keep looking for another "better" or "more logical" answer.
LOL

END OF PART II (to be continued)​

.

Not just stupid, but stupid and evil...a toxic combination.

 

[TomKat]

I think a perfect example of L. Ron Hubbard's character is him using a group of loyal dupes to attack an unarmed and unsuspecting woman, Paulette Cooper, while he remained hidden with intent to drive her to prison, to an insane asylum or to suicide.

Classic.

I think he describes himself in Science of Survival, something about a 1.1 being a liar and coward

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

Not just stupid, but stupid and evil...a toxic combination.

YES!

Ergo. . .

RTC: Religious Toxicity Cult

.​

 

[JustSheila]

.

PART II: WHAT IS THE SINGLE & ESSENTIAL CORE BELIEF OF SCIENTOLOGY?


Hmmmm, I just thought of something.

What if the essence of Scientology is simply making people stupid?

So they think stupid thoughts.

And do stupid things.

And to make people too stupid to realize what Scientology is doing?

And, even if someone figured it out, they would stupidly keep looking for another "better" or "more logical" answer.
LOL

END OF PART II (to be continued)​

.

I LOVE your metaphor!

I simply ran across too many "core beliefs" and frequently stopped wondering, on the vague notion that trying to find "one" fundamental stupid idea could be any stupider than the rest. That quest felt like being supplied with a spoon and then told to go outside and catch the rain before it makes everything wet.

If I could narrow it down to one thing, I'd say:

Scientology's core belief is that everything you imagine is real, what you knew as reality is not real, and everything you learned before Scientology is wrong.

 

[ILove2Lurk]

Scientology's core belief is that everything you imagine is real, what you knew as reality is not real

100% true.

This is what LRH espoused in lecture after lecture in the early 50's,
when he was building the foundations of his "science of the mind."
You couldn't put it more succinctly than this.

Nothing more to say about it.

 

[JustSheila]

100% true.

This is what LRH espoused in lecture after lecture in the early 50's,
when he was building the foundations of his "science of the mind."
You couldn't put it more succinctly than this.

Nothing more to say about it.

Thanks, Lisbeth!

It's a real mind bender, isn't it.

 

[HelluvaHoax!]

If I could narrow it down to one thing, I'd say: Scientology's core belief is that everything you imagine is real, what you knew as reality is not real, and everything you learned before Scientology is wrong.

What the hell do you think you're doing?!

That discovery just created massive layoffs and worldwide unemployment in the Scientology Criticism Industry!

Same thing happened in the early 80's (when computers arrived) to the millions of factory workers at plants manufacturing typewriter "correction fluid".

Brilliant quote by JustSheila!

Well, nothing left for us bitter apostates to do now at ESMB--guess we'll all be looking for a new hobby.


ps: Thanks a lot Sheila, for wrecking the internet for everybody!
.