Bea Kiddo
Crusader
I haven't posted for a while. I have been busy with a newborn for the past few months. It has been a wonderful, wonderful experience to have a child. My little girl is the light of my life.
Which brings me to the subject of this thread.
I find it incredibly hard to believe my mother was capable of joining the Sea Org and leaving her two children at the hands of the nannies in the Sea Org. I don't mean that there was anything particularly wrong with the nannies. They were doing their job, as assigned to them, and as per LRH's own instructions.
But here I am with my own daughter. I love her so much. I leave her with daddy while I go shopping for an hour, and I miss her. I want to be with her all the time. I feel so fortunate to have her. There is a very special bond between a parent and a child. I feel it so strongly. And I see it in my husband with my daughter too.
Scientology has so much mind control that they successfully made my mother believe it was for the best to leave us there.
Now when I say that, for those of you not familiar with Sea Org practices, you may think we just got left for the day. Oh no. Not at all.
My mother was constantly sent out on missions. Which meant she was out of town for months at a time. We (my brother and I) would be at daycare - Sea Org style - from 7 AM to midnight every day. We would just look out the fence to see if mom was coming. It was months sometimes that we did not see her. (This went on from when I was 3, my brother was 5, until we were fully grown)
I guess it made the times that we did see her even more memorable. I remember one time she came and gave me a huge apple. I had not seen her in so long. But I really remember that apple.
Even when she was around, we were always in daycare when we were young. She would pick us up in the dead of night. We were already asleep. It would be 11 or 12 at night. And back to daycare the next day early.
Seven days a week like that. For years and years and years.
I guess it was quite upsetting to me. I never really said anything to her about it that I remember. But I became a nuisance in other ways.
----
And on top of the neglect, after I was an adult and a trained auditor, (sorry mom if you ever read this and think I am betraying you, but there is much betrayal on both of us, and maybe because I am declared and you won't talk to me, we will never ever clear it up) I ended up seeing her counselling folder and discovered that she has been calling me an SP since I was 5 years old. Wow. That was a big shock for me.
Ok if she wants to feel that way, but she has no right to, in my mind. She did not take part in raising me or teaching me anything, so I did not have much basics (like teeth brushing).
I did not want to go to school when I was younger. Did she ever try to find out why or talk to me? No. Anger only. Forcing me to go. I did not want to because she put me in a speech class and that REALLY upset me. Had she talked to me, we could have resolved it, had she taken me out of that class, things would have been fine. I would have gone to school.
Children are CHILDREN. They need to learn. They need to be taught. They are not adults in small bodies. They need to be given a chance to take things one step at a time, and not be groomed into being an adult/Sea Org member when they are 5 years old.
----
And it is sad that the entire family mostly is just quietly frustrated with her. Does she think she is punishing me by not talking to me? Well, she is not. She is only punishing herself. She has pushed all of her family away from her. And she does not see it. I did not do that. She did, with years and years and years of neglect of her family. Her children, her parents, siblings, etc.
---
Please mom, wake up, get out of the Sea Org. We can start over again.
Which brings me to the subject of this thread.
I find it incredibly hard to believe my mother was capable of joining the Sea Org and leaving her two children at the hands of the nannies in the Sea Org. I don't mean that there was anything particularly wrong with the nannies. They were doing their job, as assigned to them, and as per LRH's own instructions.
But here I am with my own daughter. I love her so much. I leave her with daddy while I go shopping for an hour, and I miss her. I want to be with her all the time. I feel so fortunate to have her. There is a very special bond between a parent and a child. I feel it so strongly. And I see it in my husband with my daughter too.
Scientology has so much mind control that they successfully made my mother believe it was for the best to leave us there.
Now when I say that, for those of you not familiar with Sea Org practices, you may think we just got left for the day. Oh no. Not at all.
My mother was constantly sent out on missions. Which meant she was out of town for months at a time. We (my brother and I) would be at daycare - Sea Org style - from 7 AM to midnight every day. We would just look out the fence to see if mom was coming. It was months sometimes that we did not see her. (This went on from when I was 3, my brother was 5, until we were fully grown)
I guess it made the times that we did see her even more memorable. I remember one time she came and gave me a huge apple. I had not seen her in so long. But I really remember that apple.
Even when she was around, we were always in daycare when we were young. She would pick us up in the dead of night. We were already asleep. It would be 11 or 12 at night. And back to daycare the next day early.
Seven days a week like that. For years and years and years.
I guess it was quite upsetting to me. I never really said anything to her about it that I remember. But I became a nuisance in other ways.
----
And on top of the neglect, after I was an adult and a trained auditor, (sorry mom if you ever read this and think I am betraying you, but there is much betrayal on both of us, and maybe because I am declared and you won't talk to me, we will never ever clear it up) I ended up seeing her counselling folder and discovered that she has been calling me an SP since I was 5 years old. Wow. That was a big shock for me.
Ok if she wants to feel that way, but she has no right to, in my mind. She did not take part in raising me or teaching me anything, so I did not have much basics (like teeth brushing).
I did not want to go to school when I was younger. Did she ever try to find out why or talk to me? No. Anger only. Forcing me to go. I did not want to because she put me in a speech class and that REALLY upset me. Had she talked to me, we could have resolved it, had she taken me out of that class, things would have been fine. I would have gone to school.
Children are CHILDREN. They need to learn. They need to be taught. They are not adults in small bodies. They need to be given a chance to take things one step at a time, and not be groomed into being an adult/Sea Org member when they are 5 years old.
----
And it is sad that the entire family mostly is just quietly frustrated with her. Does she think she is punishing me by not talking to me? Well, she is not. She is only punishing herself. She has pushed all of her family away from her. And she does not see it. I did not do that. She did, with years and years and years of neglect of her family. Her children, her parents, siblings, etc.
---
Please mom, wake up, get out of the Sea Org. We can start over again.