What has f**ked you up the most?
- Thread starter ChaoticPsychotic
- Start date
Free to shine
Shiny & Free
For me, I am still uncovering bits of damage I have sustained from my time in the cult. I have to say though, the one thing that has seemingly f-ed me up the most is the "overt/motivator sequence" and the "PTS/SP" concept. Here is why. The way that I have interpreted the two concepts working together is to mean that everything bad that has happened in your life essentially is due to something you have done to "deserve" it.
That is a really heavy burden to carry. Although I know now how wrong it is, it still sticks with me and I am finding it so hard to shake.
When I first told my father about what all had happened when I was in the SO, the various forms of abuse and such - he was very upset. His solution was to go to the Org's DSA to demand an investigation into my accusations. Well the DSA supposedly went to LA and did a month's long invest on the tidbits of shit I had claimed to have experienced. When she came back, she had my dad and I come in to meet with her at the Org. She brought us into her tiny office. She proceeded to ramble on about how she verified most of my claims with people I had named and several were able to correlate with my story and yadayadayada. She paused - then she said with great flourish, "Melanie, you and I BOTH know that YOU DESERVED EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU". I instantly hopped up out of my chair and left as my dad was sitting there nodding in agreement with her.
I just recently found out that the woman since died from cancer. I couldn't help myself. I blurted out "HA! She MUST have DESERVED IT!!!". I guess I am going to hell now.
Anyways, to this day, I am still trying to shake that mentality. It seems to be the hardest one for me. It was hard growing up my whole life "deserving" everything that happened to me. I was not a bad kid.
So what I ask you, has f**ked you up the most from being in that cult?
Thankyou Melanie. Many of my experiences were similar to yours and partly because we are 2nd generation. Idiots who think this "thread is silly" obviously have NO fucking idea of what we went through or what needs to happen to heal.
Yes, the "you pulled it in" is the worst one for me.
ps thanks AJ.
Axiom142
Gold Meritorious Patron
Hopefully I haven’t been f**ked up too much, but I guess that only time will tell.
I think that the worst thing was being given hope. Hope that I could change and hope that the world could change.
And then having that hope taken away again because it was all a lie.
Axiom142
I think that the worst thing was being given hope. Hope that I could change and hope that the world could change.
And then having that hope taken away again because it was all a lie.
Axiom142
Carnaubawax
Patron Meritorious
Well none of you come over as f--cked up to me, so it's a testament to yourselves that you've been through monumentally difficult experiences, but have emerged as people of great worth.
Voltaire's Child
Fool on the Hill
Our experiences greatly affect us, that's for sure.
Pixie
Crusader
Thank you for that, but do you think that you don't see us as being f'ed up because you are possibly f'ed up yourself? :confused2:
Carnaubawax
Patron Meritorious
Thank you for that, but do you think that you don't see us as being f'ed up because you are possibly f'ed up yourself? :confused2:
Now that might be the answer...
Pixie
Crusader
I thought so... 
Smitty
Silver Meritorious Patron
In auditing, flying ruds and using earlier, similar chain running did more harm than good for me. Sec checking somewhat fixated my attention in the past.
Ethics conditions were usually a complete waste of time and a diversion from dealing with whatever conditions were extant.
The most damaging aspect of scientology for the conduct of my life was every course I did except the Student Hat. The admin courses were particular destructive to my being able to run a business and make a living.
Ethics conditions were usually a complete waste of time and a diversion from dealing with whatever conditions were extant.
The most damaging aspect of scientology for the conduct of my life was every course I did except the Student Hat. The admin courses were particular destructive to my being able to run a business and make a living.
Power Change
Patron Meritorious
For me, I am still uncovering bits of damage I have sustained from my time in the cult. I have to say though, the one thing that has seemingly f-ed me up the most is the "overt/motivator sequence" and the "PTS/SP" concept. Here is why. The way that I have interpreted the two concepts working together is to mean that everything bad that has happened in your life essentially is due to something you have done to "deserve" it.
That is a really heavy burden to carry. Although I know now how wrong it is, it still sticks with me and I am finding it so hard to shake.
When I first told my father about what all had happened when I was in the SO, the various forms of abuse and such - he was very upset. His solution was to go to the Org's DSA to demand an investigation into my accusations. Well the DSA supposedly went to LA and did a month's long invest on the tidbits of shit I had claimed to have experienced. When she came back, she had my dad and I come in to meet with her at the Org. She brought us into her tiny office. She proceeded to ramble on about how she verified most of my claims with people I had named and several were able to correlate with my story and yadayadayada. She paused - then she said with great flourish, "Melanie, you and I BOTH know that YOU DESERVED EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU". I instantly hopped up out of my chair and left as my dad was sitting there nodding in agreement with her.
I just recently found out that the woman since died from cancer. I couldn't help myself. I blurted out "HA! She MUST have DESERVED IT!!!". I guess I am going to hell now.
Anyways, to this day, I am still trying to shake that mentality. It seems to be the hardest one for me. It was hard growing up my whole life "deserving" everything that happened to me. I was not a bad kid.
So what I ask you, has f**ked you up the most from being in that cult?
CP
So glad you wrote this, so glad. I can relate on these feelings you describe. I still keep thinking I am finally free and myself again...but then today my sister was ill...and what comes to mind first? PTS/SP SH**T. Of course I dismissed it then, but even for myself--after being in scn, non staff, for only a few years...the scn sh**t has stuck to me to this degree.
The whole pulling it in...still there some--better each year out but yes...it is a 'thought' that 'pops' in...like a f-in automatic machine thought...then I dismiss it.
Same with the overt-motivator sequence...these things were drilled in concepts on a daily basis--so it doesnt take long at all to get totally fuc**ed up by scn.
People here say 'more time, give it time'....but I would like to hear from people HONESTLY that have been out 5-20 years---do these thoughts still 'pop' into your head? I venture to guess...yes.
By no means does it equate to 'running you' because I can identify it then dismiss...but I do wonder if anyone really gets rid of these thoughts.
degraded being
Sponsor
Quote:
"People here say 'more time, give it time'....but I would like to hear from people HONESTLY that have been out 5-20 years---do these thoughts still 'pop' into your head? I venture to guess...yes."
Yes, over time, automatic cultic assesments and evaluations of things do decrease and disappear. Lack of reinforcement, plus your own good sense being allowed to return and also having the perspective of the different beliefs and ideas that you now let yourself listen to.
Don't worry.
Free to shine
Shiny & Free
Yes the thoughts DO disappear. Once you identify the automaticities and become aware of them, it becomes easier to actually view the situation in front of you and think in different terms. So changing the jargon is the first step, have an alternative. For example "pts" could become "issues". Then you are able to look at the fact that perhaps there are multiple factors in a situation other than the immediate "suppression/sp" thing. Maybe the person is tired, has not been kind to themselves etc as well as influence from others. There's usually more to an illness etc than the simplistic scio one.
Little Bear Victor
Silver Meritorious Patron
I don't personally feel f*d up by it, but the worst thing is that I have plenty of friends still in there wasting their life away, who I would rather see freed from the mind control and lies.
Little Bear Victor
Silver Meritorious Patron
To give my mini-analysis answer to this question:
The great bulk of my ex-Scn friends does not post on any board or have anything much to do with Scientology. They have moved on to living their lives. When the subject of Scientology comes up, it is mostly in reminiscing just how crazy it was or using the terminology like an "inside joke."
On the other hand a number of others have said that they have had recurring nightmares about their life in Scn -- being back in -- for years afterwards.
Seems that the younger you get out, the better, and more likely to just leave it behind and live your Scientology-free life. These people seem to think that Scientology is so far into its self-destructive phase there is no need to interfere with it. While I don't agree, I can see their viewpoint.
I'm sure this does not fit every scenario, but those are some general observations.
I don't know if having an occasional thought that came from Hubbard is all that worrisome. It would take total amnesia to never think of Scientology again. Who here ever thinks about something an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend of theirs said a long ago? Now: Who still agrees with it?
Power Change
Patron Meritorious
Yes...that has to be hard....because you obviously care about them.
I know some people too that recently went into the SO...so sad....they first were sucked dry of all money, their house, and their in law's money...then they went into the SO and I bet they are miserable.
Little Bear Victor
Silver Meritorious Patron
Now. That. Really. Sucks.
Power Change
Patron Meritorious
To give my mini-analysis answer to this question:
The great bulk of my ex-Scn friends does not post on any board or have anything much to do with Scientology. They have moved on to living their lives. When the subject of Scientology comes up, it is mostly in reminiscing just how crazy it was or using the terminology like an "inside joke."
On the other hand a number of others have said that they have had recurring nightmares about their life in Scn -- being back in -- for years afterwards.
Seems that the younger you get out, the better, and more likely to just leave it behind and live your Scientology-free life. These people seem to think that Scientology is so far into its self-destructive phase there is no need to interfere with it. While I don't agree, I can see their viewpoint.
I'm sure this does not fit every scenario, but those are some general observations.
I don't know if having an occasional thought that came from Hubbard is all that worrisome. It would take total amnesia to never think of Scientology again. Who here ever thinks about something an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend of theirs said a long ago? Now: Who still agrees with it?
Perhaps I put too much attention on it for myself. I would rather remember being dumped by a girl than remember scn though....
uniquemand
Unbeliever
If I could just communicate with the people that I know who are in, that would make my day. The Church does everything they can, internally and externally, to prevent that, because they KNOW that the universal solvent is communication, and they know that THEY are the problem.
Voltaire's Child
Fool on the Hill
Which is why every expulsion is accompanied by a "declare" where the person is judged to be an SP. Since members can't talk to SPs, then the member cannot talk to anyone who was kicked out.
Plus all the insane policies about talking amongst one another in CofS.
Plus all the insane policies about talking amongst one another in CofS.
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