Lamenting Connections

[linus]

Some years ago I posted what I thought was an anonymous post on ARS when I had the epiphany about leaving SCN. When I realized my name was attached to the bottom of the post, I went into a panic attack that lasted over a year. I was already in a fragile state after finally having read all the things on the web that the church doesn't want their members to find out. The rug was pulled out from under me and I was scared I had ruined my eternity. It took years of therapy to recover, but my life is so much more fulfilling now than it ever was before. I went through hating the chruch, hating myself for being so stupid, and hating the fact that no one on the outside could possibly understand me -- but I got through it. These days, the only thing that haunts me is the loss of my "friends" that are still Scientologists. I realize that their friendships to me art very conditional. If they knew my real feelings, they would not speak to me at all. Many don't speak to me at all anymore because they know I am not in anymore and are working on declaring me so that the remainder of the social group will cut ties with me. It's been years since I started my new life, and I went through a lot of emotional and mental anguish, especially because I began feeling my feelings in real life - something I was blocked from as a SCNist.

I KNOW that these people who are still in and will never leave are not really my friends, but I find myself really missing some of the great times we had together in the past. I feel like an idiot for lamenting these relationships, but some were intense and I miss some aspects of those relationships that I can't seem to have with normal people who were never trapped in a cult. So I guess the worst damage to my life had been the lack of connecting to other people. I can't seem to make friends with people the way I would like. Instead, I have a long list of wonderful people who are my friends and want to be my friends, but each one is road blocked at some point by me. I don't know who to walk the line of complete disclosure, and guarded withdraw. I fear being vulnerable with anyone. It's similar to being a rape victim where you just can't seem to trust anyone.

Does anyone else here have these feelings? How do you deal with them?

 

[uncle sam]

I think alot of people on the board have had similar exIperience maybe not as intense as you. I had no friends when I left, now I have plenty. My friends now are just as wonderful as the friends I had in cos. The passage of time and a cheerful attitude will help. Stay on this message board as it will help you. I wish you the best!

 

[Wisened One]

linus: Hi again, Glad you found these boards. It's a wonderful place to make new friends! There are many others here who will understand your experience and stories once you share more and more of them.

For now, just keep reading, it helps, it really does.

Hubby and I are STILL hermits and do little to nothing but work and go home, hardly ever hang out with our few non-scn friends...some of it is partly because we still can't get used to listening/communicating to them...we still have that 'Holier than thou' chip, I'm ashamed to admit. We still measure real life against STUPID tech/admin crap, here and there...although we do this less and less...but it's SO ingrained into us as former Staff Members, you know?

Not only that, but we still do not trust psychs, nor would we go to one, nor would we ever do any CoS, scn, so when we get depressed or need some 'help' hubby and I only have each other to rely on and sometimes it's hard!

So we're still coming out of various stages, ourselves.

It sounds like you've worked through some things and that's really good!

Soon, you'll have new friends in real life to hang with, and so will we all who got out.

Personally: I'm at the point to where I WANT to be declared officially so it can be a FINITE END to that chapter of my life

Wisened One

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

Some years ago I posted what I thought was an anonymous post on ARS when I had the epiphany about leaving SCN. When I realized my name was attached to the bottom of the post, I went into a panic attack that lasted over a year. I was already in a fragile state after finally having read all the things on the web that the church doesn't want their members to find out. The rug was pulled out from under me and I was scared I had ruined my eternity. It took years of therapy to recover, but my life is so much more fulfilling now than it ever was before. I went through hating the chruch, hating myself for being so stupid, and hating the fact that no one on the outside could possibly understand me -- but I got through it. These days, the only thing that haunts me is the loss of my "friends" that are still Scientologists. I realize that their friendships to me art very conditional. If they knew my real feelings, they would not speak to me at all. Many don't speak to me at all anymore because they know I am not in anymore and are working on declaring me so that the remainder of the social group will cut ties with me. It's been years since I started my new life, and I went through a lot of emotional and mental anguish, especially because I began feeling my feelings in real life - something I was blocked from as a SCNist.

I KNOW that these people who are still in and will never leave are not really my friends, but I find myself really missing some of the great times we had together in the past. I feel like an idiot for lamenting these relationships, but some were intense and I miss some aspects of those relationships that I can't seem to have with normal people who were never trapped in a cult. So I guess the worst damage to my life had been the lack of connecting to other people. I can't seem to make friends with people the way I would like. Instead, I have a long list of wonderful people who are my friends and want to be my friends, but each one is road blocked at some point by me. I don't know who to walk the line of complete disclosure, and guarded withdraw. I fear being vulnerable with anyone. It's similar to being a rape victim where you just can't seem to trust anyone.

Does anyone else here have these feelings? How do you deal with them?

Linus,

I think I get what you are saying here. I came out to an internet friend (never met in person, have only talked on the phone a few times and IM during the weekdays) about having been in Scn. She didn't know anything about Scn and went to Xenu.com. In my opinion, not the place to start for the first time reader. So, I had to answer her questions and explain what it was about. Thankfully, there was no judgment passed, as I had extended that same courtesy to her a while back in regards to something she told me.

But it was hard. I wasn't ever very open about being a Scn while I was in, and I've been less open about telling people I'm out - only with never been Scn's. While I was in, I didn't have many non-Scn friends. And the ones I did have, I'd had long before I got in - so they loved me no matter what I did. Thankfully, I still have those friends.

But to tell new friends that I was a Scn - I've only done it with the one person. Too scary.

All but one of my Scn I lost getting out. But to be honest, I never felt that they were REAL friends. Sure they would say "you need an assist", but they would never offer to come give me one. Or they'd say "you need to apply conditions", but they'd never offer to help me apply conditions. And I never felt that I could call them in the middle of the night if it were an emergency.

I don't think I'm distrustful of my new friends since being out. I think I just don't trust friendships the way I did before I was a Scn.

I'm working on trusting people, but I think it's going to take longer than it took me to get over being out. But I think it will happen.

 

[Free to shine]

Does anyone else here have these feelings? How do you deal with them?

Yes, often after we recover the hardest and last part is the loss of friends (and often family.) I had an interesting conversation the other day on this subject. We discussed how within Scn we are conditioned to 'know' that if we leave we will lose everything. So if we actually do start being honest about our feelings, we already are conditioned for, and expect the loss, and it comes. Our discussion was looking at the issue from the point of view of how we create our futures and live what we believe.

True friends love you no matter what and unfortunately friends within Scientology are programmed to only maintain the friendship as long as you are a good soldier within the group. That is truly not a friend, no matter how nice the person is.

As you follow your real passions and dreams in the normal world, true friendships can form with people of like mind, if you let them. That is the key - letting go of the past and creating a future that is full of what makes your heart happy. It sometimes takes a while to find your passions so don't be discouraged. I found mine in art and metaphysics and have friends truly I am humbly grateful to know. I am not judged by LRH's dictated standards and it is really great.

Hang in there, read the stories of so many of us who have gone through it. You are welcome here!

 

[Free to shine]

Linus,


But to tell new friends that I was a Scn - I've only done it with the one person. Too scary.

All but one of my Scn I lost getting out. But to be honest, I never felt that they were REAL friends. Sure they would say "you need an assist", but they would never offer to come give me one. Or they'd say "you need to apply conditions", but they'd never offer to help me apply conditions. And I never felt that I could call them in the middle of the night if it were an emergency.

I lost all of my friends except one, and a family member is currently lost to me. My "friends" all abandoned me during one of the biggest challenges in my life, because it involved having a seriously scary illness. I faced it alone, and I faced death. It was the point I realised the only person who cared was myself. So I started the long road of becoming my own friend.

As I continued that road people came to me. Honestly it was totally awesome. Because I let it in, I would receive books in the mail, the perfect message in a letter, one even sent me an Xmas tree because I didn't have one. Whatever I needed to become aware of in order to wake up and start to love myself. (I certainly didn't in Scn.)

Some of these friends only walked beside me for a while, some have stayed longer and those friendships far outclass any I experienced before. Slowly I found myself returning the favour, usually via the net, with people I will never meet in real life. The more I gave, the more I received as well.

I rarely tell people IRL about my past because it's just not necessary and too hard to explain. My experiences have made me who I am, but we don't need to know everything about everyone to be friends.

 

[duddins]

Yes, often after we recover the hardest and last part is the loss of friends (and often family.) I had an interesting conversation the other day on this subject. We discussed how within Scn we are conditioned to 'know' that if we leave we will lose everything. So if we actually do start being honest about our feelings, we already are conditioned for, and expect the loss, and it comes. Our discussion was looking at the issue from the point of view of how we create our futures and live what we believe.

True friends love you no matter what and unfortunately friends within Scientology are programmed to only maintain the friendship as long as you are a good soldier within the group. That is truly not a friend, no matter how nice the person is.

As you follow your real passions and dreams in the normal world, true friendships can form with people of like mind, if you let them. That is the key - letting go of the past and creating a future that is full of what makes your heart happy. It sometimes takes a while to find your passions so don't be discouraged. I found mine in art and metaphysics and have friends truly I am humbly grateful to know. I am not judged by LRH's dictated standards and it is really great.

Hang in there, read the stories of so many of us who have gone through it. You are welcome here!

Wow FTS.........you really said it there.

True friends love you no matter what! That is the thing....out here in the 'wog' world I found my happiness in science and music.

There is a great big wonderful world out there.
Enjoy the freedom to make your own choices!

 

[clearcat]

Wow FTS.........you really said it there.

True friends love you no matter what! That is the thing....out here in the 'wog' world I found my happiness in science and music.

There is a great big wonderful world out there.
Enjoy the freedom to make your own choices!

I made similar experiences, all my so-called "friends" left me alone and disconnected, and I went through a period of loneliness, but I knew this would happen, so I was ready for it. I got very sick, too and that was due to the tremendous stress in my life at that time, I could not walk, sit or stand for over a month, but I got through and I met so many beautiful, wonderful and helpful people along the way.

Just imagine you cannot even go out and get groceries because you can't walk... you totally depend on others to survive. And there were a few people who did not even know me much, who did not ask for anything in return and literally saved my life.

The ones that are your true friends won't judge you for your past or your present decisions, they just accept you for what and who you are. And then there is family, you can fall back on them and they are there for you no matter what, because blood is thicker than any other bond you may have.

It is hard to deal with but seeing the beauty outside and what is around you and may cross your path, it is so worthwhile to hang in and get through to the other side.

 

[Free to shine]

Just imagine you cannot even go out and get groceries because you can't walk... you totally depend on others to survive. And there were a few people who did not even know me much, who did not ask for anything in return and literally saved my life.

That's what happened to me too. However my family were scattered all over the world (due to Scn) and not available. So it was the kindness of strangers...who became friends....that helped me survive.

 

[clearcat]

That's what happened to me too. However my family were scattered all over the world (due to Scn) and not available. So it was the kindness of strangers...who became friends....that helped me survive.

It is great to find those beautiful persons, and it makes you think "what would make really a better world" - it is simply human kindness, nothing else...

 

[linus]

wow, thank you, everyone for such amazing, loving and wonderful feedback. who'd a thunk after 8 years of this i could revisit this chapter of my life (the leaving part) and get new things out of it.

i have come a long long way since the day i read the secrets about scn. i am no longer a person who thinks i am better than others, although when i was a member, i certainly "knew" i was. i have humbled -- perhaps back to the person i was before i walked into the org my first time: a shy, emotional kid that needed structure who left an abusive home. i think at the time (ages 12-28), scientology did some good for me, as much as it fucked me up really. it made me *think* i was strong, and now through therapy i see that i can attribute that to me, not lrh. that has taken a long time to see.

i think i always had problems with trust and friendships. the few people i have told that i used to be a scientologist probably think i'm just a bloody idiot and don't get how little baby steps lead you to a place where you believed you have lived a trillion lifetimes, many of them being a spaceship taxi driver or something fantastical like this, and this was really REAL to you. people don't get the betrayal (that is sprinkled with just enough truth) that lures you into this mind spin.

you really have to be broken down completely i think (talk about a ruin), in order to build yourself back up and seperate YOU from lrh, and not be angry if there is a similar belief here and there (that was a big lesson i've learned.) and ask your self, "what do i believe?" "what do i really know?" and leave it alone to realize that MOST things are unknowable. the control freak in me had a HARD time with this because i really thought i needed to know everything about eveything.... but it's a more peaceful life NOT to know. it brought me to a place to acceptance of other people's views - something i was not tolerant about as a scnist.

my loss of friendships is just going to be hard. i cry about it a lot. but i used to be in, so i know their position. yeah, it's hardly a friendship. i need to see that and stop worrying about what they think of me because i lie about my health a lot so they will hang out with me. how gross is that? none of them want to be around me when my illness is apparent (MS). so i need to be better to myself, i have a long way to go on that aspect of my life - the not beating myself up.

i finally saw a shrink for the first time in my life. you have no idea how hard that was, and don't know how totally involved in cchr i was. so ironic. but i have to say, it really helped me. and if anything, my skepticism serves me as a very proactive patient.

 

[Wisened One]

Thank YOU for showing us how brave and strong you are, linus

I'm GLAD you DID talk to a therapist, I bet that WAS really hard, we couldn't imagine doing that (but we probably SHOULD have!).

Keep posting your stories and thoughts, they're helping me and so many others, THAT'S priceless and TRUE friendship, right there


Wisened One