Well I think I'm ready for some more! I seem to have stopped wobbling around for the moment!
couple of things first:
interested to know if there are any ldn bods on here? (cc or ldn org) I'm not looking to pry into anyone's life or anything, just that there are people i liked and would love to catch up if they are around! (and even if its someone i didn't like or who didn't like me there's always the chance of working things out here on the outside! lol)
the other thing is this. whatever i say in my story, there some people that i REALLY liked when i was in and not everybody involved in my situations were mindless plonkers! lol.
also, my recolections and the time line might be pretty dodgy at times! sorry in advance!
so, i finished obj's and like i say i got a lot from it. this was 94/95, cant be 100% sure. it all seemed to be going along ok i guess. the next thing i had to do was deliver obj's as part of my course so i asked the guy i worked with if he wanted some free auditing. at the time i was working in a "duo", gigging in pubs and clubs, with a guy i had gone to school with. Ian is his name. i had already taken him into ldn org to do stcc (cant remember exactly when i did that but it was def before i got married). so he comes in to receive obj's from me and i have to say i loved doing this! every time he had a win i felt great! half the wins indeed! by now things were already getting difficult at home. so i guess this is where the conflicts really started to kick in! i had already stopped playing so much with the jives by this point. they were fully arrived as SO and because i wasn't qual'd (
) it was provint to be more and more difficult to make it work with them. also, i gotta tell you, the pay per gig with them was not great at all and even though i enjoyed it immensly i couldn't run a family on it! so it seemed to be going ok in the org but home not so good. money was tight. and my lovely, fresh faced, artistic wife had become not so lovely, fresh faced and artistic! i was definately being made to feel inferior to her by this time and GOD BLESS PAIN AND SEX! lol. i wasn't even allowed to THINK about being close to her! I was 21! of course its really easy to turn off any sort of urge at 21!
so things were starting to get tense. with hindsight she was, i think, being being fed this sort of crap. after all I wasn't on staff right! scum bag. doesn't matter that SOMEONE had to pay the bills! she had always been a "friendly" girl so this was all coming as a bit of a shock. cant say as i liked it much and to be fair i've never pretended to have been the perfect husband. but i felt i had already lost the person i had married. nothing i did seemed to be right. make more money, but study more! do my share at home, as long as it included her share aswell! after all, she was saving the planet!
Not entirely sure how we managed it but she was by then pregnant again and the i think about all this the more i realise things. she was 19 by then, hormones going nuts, and getting all the pressure that goes along with being on staff. no wonder she seemed to be taking it out on me! not something that would have been up for discussion though! I wonder how many others lost thier spouse simply because they felt that they couldn't really discuss everything!
by then i had resorted to what most normal 21/22 year old blokes would have done! but that was REALLY REALLY wrong! so no sex and no relief either. again, pain and sex anyone! lol. dont misunderstand, this isn't all about the fact that i wasn't "getting any" lol. i felt rejected. refused affinity? lol. I always saw it as being her fault. she was the one taking the tech too far on this subject! but never ever thought that it was BECAUSE she was on staff and probably having to deal with her own doubts (i'm pretty sure that most people had them).
things went along like this for a while. me doing gigs to make money and doing what i could in the org. important thing was always to make sure that she was able to do her job as sup. it was NEVER about me or my case or how i was doing. as long as she arrived every day for post no body seemed to care about anything much else. about sept ish of 95 i was asked to go to japan with a band to do a couple of gigs. lou was heavily pregnant and it was a bit of a bone of contention to say the least but eventually i was able to make it happen. while i was away i was treated like a celebrity and looked after by the record company and loved it! i was having fun and actually (god forbid) enjoyed myself. it made the situation at home all the more obviously crap. and when one night i was shown affection by another woman.... well. i felt shit about it. not proud. and wished with all my heart that it hadn't happened. but there you go. what was done was done. when i came back things went from bad to worse and when our second child was born things were very miserable for both of us! then comes the big push at the org! the push was to make ccldn class five org and we all had to get on board!
a mission was sent from cc int. this consisted of a man and wife team coming in and replacing the ED and the president. Duncan and Jenai(?) Pringle. anyone know them? anyway they were spearheading the push and part of the prerequisite for class five is to have a pro sup! so obviously that meant Lou had to train like mad! full time! we were living a bit of a distance from the org at the time so it was arranged for us to move into a house with some other guys nearer to the org so that we could be more on board, and obviously more availiable. so the full time training starts. i caved
and signed staff. and thats where i started to really see some insanity in action! i went from public to PES in one easy movement. no hatting! just there on post. nuts! and louise (who was doing her training at ldn org) starts to behave really wierd. nothing i did was right. she was under all this pressure to complete asap if idared to complain about myself or my kids not seeing her i was jumped on straight away by her and the org. i was really starting to feel the strain and no body seemed to be listening. then came the start of the nights where she didn't come home. the story i would get was that she had studied late and slept in one of the auditing rooms. you know, i even believed it! i'm gonna cut the story down a bit and just say what it was. she was having an affair with the sup at ldn org. wtf! w
when i tried to deal with it in the org along the right lines i was taken to the president's ofice and told to knock it off!!! knock it off!! bloody hell! i was told that if i didn't i would be declared!!! so here was the delivery of the tech for the whole of ldn being jeopardised and I was the one in the wrong!!! NOTHING was allowed to get in the way of cc going class five! at all! so what if thats what was happening (and you need to understand, i never was able to prove it totally!), it didn't matter. in other words i didn't matter. my kids didn't matter. i cant even begin to tell you how angry i was. and confused. i mean how could this be? this was just not sane. here is an organisation, A "church", that was just simply turning a blind eye to what someone was doing that was wrong all because they couldn't progress without her being trained and on post. i was not feeling good at all. in fact i was losing the plot so to speak. scientology wasn't supposed to be like that!
anyway, break for a bit. i feel like i'm spending to much time on this when there is more to get through! it gets worse.
small steps! Catching up on your posts, but wow sounds like you had some interesting experiences (travelling around with a band, doing stcc in switzerland, etc..). 
). in between those times i got out of the staff thing and took her to ccldn. she was pretty arty and of course me being a muso it seemed the place to go. to be honest she was reluctant to start with (clever girl!) but eventually came round, quite spectacularly as it happens! lol! at this time she was 18 and i was nearly 21 (week or so after the wedding actually). no sooner had she come in than she got to be someones pc in the courseroom, objectives i think, and as i remember it she didn't do great on that to start with. there had been a fair amount of drug use and she hadn't yet done the purif. another thing i always thought was not right! that was one of the BIG reasons i wanted her to come in - wanted her to get the purif! (i'm just remembering as i write this that that was my primary intention with her! to help her! omg!). so anyway she started to do better on the auditing and must have had some sort of win because the next thing i know she joined staff!!! that most definately hadn't figured in my plans but hey ho! it was all good! or so i thought. you see she had agreed to train to be the sup there and a couple of months after we were married she was whisked off to ccint to train! we had only just got married ffs! also, she fell pregnant less than two months after we married so there was all sorts of rush on getting her out to LA so she could get through her whole program and be able to fly back before being seven months gone. Guess who had to send her money so she could live? the org? a fairy? no you guessed it, MUG HEAD HERE!!! great, so pay for our flat, and live, and bills, AND send money so she could do something that wasn't even my idea! missing my new wife was i!!! at that time i'm finding it hard to remember exactly what was happening with me. i was in and out of the org doing bits and bobs, doing drills with people in the course room. i think i did another course during that time but i really cant be sure. when she came back it was kind of all systems go from then on! she was supping on a day schedule and i was going in with her so as to complete my tr's and obj's. i have to point out here that she was already NOT the person i had married! loss right there! all was ticking along then for a while, getting ready for new baby arrival etc. i recieved my objective auditing around about that time i believe. i did well on that. i felt that i really understood it and was able to "have" any auditor flunks because i felt kind of in control, no, thats wrong. this is hard to explain at this point. i think it will become more clear later on. for me and for you story hounds! lol. ok, so i'm stopping for a bit to think things over. that was my first auditing action and i'm just swimming in it at the mo. sorry to cut it short and leave in the middle of a bit! 
Small Steps