For exes: Why did you stay?

[Jquepublic]

I've found a lot of threads explaining what it was that made people leave the church, but I haven't been able to find one that talks about the reasons people STAY, for whatever length of time. And I really want to know why other people stuck it out for weeks, months, years, decades before they finally DID leave.

For me, a large part of why I stayed was based on the deception about Hubbard himself that's perpetrated in the church. I believed it, I believed in the group, I believed I was helping in spite of a lot of factors that probably should have clued me otherwise. I was admittedly indoctrinated in the cult mindset. But there was a human factor that kept me there too - I also had (and have) friends and loved ones in the church, and in fact had no relationships to speak of outside of the church. Leaving the cult meant leaving everyone that I knew, and while I finally did make that choice, it was heartbreaking to do.

What I'm wondering, is why did you stay?

 

[Tiger Lily]

I totally hear that Jquepublic!

I think for me it was very similar: Hope . . . I wanted it to be true so badly that the world could be a sane place, and that I could make a difference.

And, some of the best people I ever met were Scientologists and shared that purpose with me. It was wonderful . . . it was very hard to come to terms with the truth about Scientology.

Luckily, the best of the best of those people are now here on ESMB

 

[Ulf K. Maier]

Help?

I've found a lot of threads explaining what it was that made people leave the church, but I haven't been able to find one that talks about the reasons people STAY, for whatever length of time. And I really want to know why other people stuck it out for weeks, months, years, decades before they finally DID leave.

For me, a large part of why I stayed was based on the deception about Hubbard himself that's perpetrated in the church. I believed it, I believed in the group, I believed I was helping in spite of a lot of factors that probably should have clued me otherwise. I was admittedly indoctrinated in the cult mindset. But there was a human factor that kept me there too - I also had (and have) friends and loved ones in the church, and in fact had no relationships to speak of outside of the church. Leaving the cult meant leaving everyone that I knew, and while I finally did make that choice, it was heartbreaking to do.

What I'm wondering, is why did you stay?

With me, it was the "did you help?" thing.
Once I realised that no-one was being helped, I left.

 

[La La Lou Lou]

It's a big question!

I stayed because I had invested so much time money and sanity into the cult, I couldn't accept that I'd made a mistake. It just had to be true. If it wasn't true then...well I would be wrong and stupid. I would have totally wasted my youth.

I would hate myself.

Don't forget that everyone I knew would hate me.

I also knew that the reason I had suffered so much was because I was an evil out-ethics bastard, that if I could become more ethical my life would thrive on all dynamics.

Also better the devil you know, I hadn't been truly in the wog world since I had been a teenager, I knew the world outside was full of psyches and journalists, drugs and sex fiends all waiting to turn me into zombie!

None of the above was true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

[Jquepublic]

It's a big question!

I stayed because I had invested so much time money and sanity into the cult, I couldn't accept that I'd made a mistake. It just had to be true. If it wasn't true then...well I would be wrong and stupid. I would have totally wasted my youth.

I would hate myself.

Don't forget that everyone I knew would hate me.

I also knew that the reason I had suffered so much was because I was an evil out-ethics bastard, that if I could become more ethical my life would thrive on all dynamics.

Also better the devil you know, I hadn't been truly in the wog world since I had been a teenager, I knew the world outside was full of psyches and journalists, drugs and sex fiends all waiting to turn me into zombie!

None of the above was true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Thanks Tiger and Ulf for your answers.

La La: You bring up a really good point re: it having to be true. Do you think that people sometimes fall into that mindset and stay there just because thinking anything else is like admitting everything you believed in was a lie? Maybe being so indoctrinated into thinking in black and white terms makes it even harder to sort out truth from lie. That and of course the indoc that if you disagree there is something wrong with YOU.

That used to be my definition of hell, btw - waking up to realise everything I'd believed in was a lie.

 

[Voltaire's Child]

I thought, at the time, that this was the only path I wanted, ideologically and long before I left CofS, I was convinced they had a lot of problems and a lot of incompetent people running the show, but that I could not get the "tech" anywhere else.

That's one of the reasons I'm far more favorably inclined toward Terril's approach than some of my fellow exes might be. There probably are people who feel as I'd felt.

 

[FoTi]

I wanted to go OT. I wanted my OT abilities back. I believed Scientology had the only route to OT and Total Freedom. In other words I believed the fairy tale that they were selling because some of it did work.

 

[LongTimeGone]

Thanks to the replies to date, I need write nothing.

I can see myself in every response so far and I'm sure a lot of others will be able to as well.

To those currently trapped and reading this: It is OK to leave; you made a mistake, so what? Cut your loses and move on.

Know that people on the outside will happily accept you back into the real world.

They might make a few jokes at your expense but it will be good hearted and you can feel free to laugh along with them.

Do NOT be afraid - the water is nice out here.

LTG

 

[A.K. Myers]

I was a highly trained successful auditor. I had wins in auditing and
saw that the tech worked. After seeing the more militant org staff
and sea org staff, I concluded that Hubbard erred in patterning his
organization in a military mode, but justified it since he was an ex
Navy man.

As more arbitraries and stops to production began to appear I began
to realize that the organization didn't follow its own tenets. By then
this "most valuable being on the planet" realized I couldn't live on
fifty bucks a week.

 

[OutFO38]

I've found a lot of threads explaining what it was that made people leave the church, but I haven't been able to find one that talks about the reasons people STAY, for whatever length of time. And I really want to know why other people stuck it out for weeks, months, years, decades before they finally DID leave.

For me, a large part of why I stayed was based on the deception about Hubbard himself that's perpetrated in the church. I believed it, I believed in the group, I believed I was helping in spite of a lot of factors that probably should have clued me otherwise. I was admittedly indoctrinated in the cult mindset. But there was a human factor that kept me there too - I also had (and have) friends and loved ones in the church, and in fact had no relationships to speak of outside of the church. Leaving the cult meant leaving everyone that I knew, and while I finally did make that choice, it was heartbreaking to do.

What I'm wondering, is why did you stay?

I stayed in the Sea Org for a couple years even though I roller-coastered pretty regularly, wanting to go home. Every time I would start to have doubts I would get handled by some senior exec who knew exactly what to say to rehabilitate my purpose for being there and saving the world. But, those doubts would always creep back in. Mind you - it was doubts about being in the Sea Org, not Scientology.

Routing out of the Sea Org took way too long and the only reason I stayed to finish the Leaving Staff Routing Form was because my family were Scientologists and I didn't want them to have to disconnect from me. I guess it was also because I still believed in Scientology at that point.

OutFO38

 

[smartone]

I've found a lot of threads explaining what it was that made people leave the church, but I haven't been able to find one that talks about the reasons people STAY, for whatever length of time. And I really want to know why other people stuck it out for weeks, months, years, decades before they finally DID leave.

For me, a large part of why I stayed was based on the deception about Hubbard himself that's perpetrated in the church. I believed it, I believed in the group, I believed I was helping in spite of a lot of factors that probably should have clued me otherwise. I was admittedly indoctrinated in the cult mindset. But there was a human factor that kept me there too - I also had (and have) friends and loved ones in the church, and in fact had no relationships to speak of outside of the church. Leaving the cult meant leaving everyone that I knew, and while I finally did make that choice, it was heartbreaking to do.

What I'm wondering, is why did you stay?

Oh I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I believed I could help this planet and that Scientology was the only way. I went through hell to make it go right and get up the Bridge because I wanted it so bad.

I also, like you, met so many lovely people and made many friends. I also met my husband. Finally, when I realised it had all been a lie, I wasn't upset at all. In fact I felt totally free. The only thing that broke my heart was leaving all my friends.

 

[Jquepublic]

Thanks for the answers, all. I'm glad you're out, btw!

Oh I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I believed I could help this planet and that Scientology was the only way. I went through hell to make it go right and get up the Bridge because I wanted it so bad.

I also, like you, met so many lovely people and made many friends. I also met my husband. Finally, when I realised it had all been a lie, I wasn't upset at all. In fact I felt totally free. The only thing that broke my heart was leaving all my friends.

I left my husband too. It's okay though because he was a complete ass.

Besides, I got custody of the cats. And he got NO VISITATION!

 

[Operating Wog]

You invest the time, the energy, the money, the years. You alienate your family and all your friends. You are told you are saving the planet. To leave is to admit that you were WRONG, and a fool. And the longer you are in, the more foolish you look.

And, your whole life revolves around Scn, the org, the people in it. Your friends, new family, coworkers, associates are all in it. Leaving it means giving up everything.

At least, that's what it was for me.

 

[Jquepublic]

You invest the time, the energy, the money, the years. You alienate your family and all your friends. You are told you are saving the planet. To leave is to admit that you were WRONG, and a fool. And the longer you are in, the more foolish you look.

And, your whole life revolves around Scn, the org, the people in it. Your friends, new family, coworkers, associates are all in it. Leaving it means giving up everything.

At least, that's what it was for me.

It was the same for me, OW. My heart was in it, I sincerely wanted to help. And little by little I bought into the "3rd dynamic is the only dynamic" thinking that pervaded staff for me. What's that saying about destinations? Something like destinations are not the result of your path but of the choices you make while traveling it.

 

[thetanic]

I've found a lot of threads explaining what it was that made people leave the church, but I haven't been able to find one that talks about the reasons people STAY, for whatever length of time. And I really want to know why other people stuck it out for weeks, months, years, decades before they finally DID leave.

I stayed in over a decade. For me it was about two things: 1) my own wins in auditing and 2) personal loyalty to a person I loved (and still love). After some point, the accumulated bullshit of pushing people around, especially about money, was enough that love wasn't enough any more.

 

[Good twin]

I was in for over thirty years. I believed I was part of the most important movement ever in the history of the planet. I believed that anything outside the cult was frail and false and not worth experiencing. I believed I was free and happy. I believed I was in the upper tenth of the upper tenth of intelligent beings on Earth.

I bought it because I needed to buy it. I needed to believe that there was something worth knowing and that I could know it. I needed to feel like I was doing something important. I needed Scientology to be real and for me it was for more than three decades.

The glue that kept me in was my own desire and need for the cartoon philosophy to be true. I wanted to be in a cult. I wanted to be in the biggest and most successful cult of all time.

Pretty scary, huh?

 

[Mest Lover]

The biggest reason I stayed was the fear they instilled in me of what would happen if I blew. No jobs, SP declare, unknown threats via fair game policy on me and my family, the fear of not knowing who was spying on me via OSA programs.

In addition to that the Sea Org completely wiped out any and all assets and most of my, then, possessions. At $30.00 per week I lost my truck which was repossessed. Before it was repossessed it was broken into and everything I had in it was stolen in Chicago while I was in New York for supposedly training to be returned to the Chicago org as a Flag Rep.

When my escape plan finally came to fruition I had $325.00 to my name, no bank accounts, no assets, no job and the most important thing that I could have ever had to make that worth everything I went through to get there: FREEDOM!

I spent the next 20 years hiding it all, fearing them coming for me and recurrent nightmares about Sea Org.

 

[Thrak]

I kept running into seemingly credible people who kept telling me how "amazing" it was when you get to the "upper levels". I thought basically the whole thing was an expensive, embarrassing, pain in the ass but I wanted to see what it was all about. Mistake.

 

[auntpat]

16 years

My husband was a Scientologist when I met him. He was a very ethical man (also drop dead gorgeous) and it was love at first sight. He and I really had fun in the cult. We took turns working "wog" jobs while the other was training at LA Org. We had some fantastic friends and as a group we had dinners and parties together. We traveled all over the US auditing and lecturing. I remember when the SO started. He made the comment that a billion years was like forever. I said, no, the Devil wants your soul forever, Ron only wants it for a billion years. You can see that we were not to serious on the subject.

When I realized that things were going wonkers in 73 I decided I wanted out. He stayed in untl 83. We divorced in 75. He was always much more excited about all the alien stuff than me. I think I knew all along that my leaving the cult would be the end of our relationship, and I let that be a deterent in my making the decision.

I had progressed to OT1 and training through the breifing course and CS course. I felt I was equipt to make an informed decision that it was not what I had thought when joining and I could not continue to pretend to be a member of a group I disagreed with so much.

My husband and I are again friends. We communicate frequently and see one another every few years, I still love and respect him, from a distance.

Love and Light,
Pat

 

[Reasonable]

I stayed becasue

I stayed because the auditing really did help me (although no to the extent promised). The admin scales and conditions (positive not the negative ones--liability , treason etc,) helped my business a lot I still use them. Much of the theory and ideas and LRH "quotes" I still find useful.

I was mostly having a good time of it. I stopped going when they shoved $3500 worth of books down my throat (and kept begging for more) but I still belived that I could get my "Super OT abilities and live consioulsy to imortality external to a body. So I planned on one day doing the OT7 and above.

So I stayed ( although inactive)

The my friend got declared.
Then I found out about Miscavage
Then I found out about LRH
Then I found that if I like I could move faster if I was on the oustide.

Then I left. I may do more auditing in the future I may not....