Hey everyone :)

[TheSpectator]

Really, wow, thanks so much for all the info, videos, links, etc. I also read some other threads on this board.
I feel incredibly stupid... And a bit embarrassed. Apparently I believe in something made up and evil, right? I get that I've been decieved in a way, but I'm not able to fullt believe that. I know I should though but it's not easy and actually really upsetting, this. I'm shocked and sad...
I do believe in Dianetics though, and I think I always will. I can't believe that's fake or something. It works for me and a lot of people and it doesn't hurt anyone, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't know what to think anymore now an important thing in my life is slowly changing into a problem.

By the way, all those things I've heard about church people bugging you if you want to leave, I read in another thread that they keep calling and even visiting, will I get in trouble with them if they find this? Because I used my real name. If this is risky, can I still change that?

My encouragement is to just leave Scientology. Don't worry, you'll be fine. They may bug you for a bit, but tell them the truth of why you're leaving and they'll go away. For a group that's supposedly based in truth they have little tolerance of it.

I too believed Dianetics and Scientology worked when I first left. I thought any problems were because of people's misapplication of the tech (we're indoctrinated early on about this!). But going up through OT VII I found several OT VIIs who were trying to handle the original problems they first entered Scientology for! So, there are no Clears or OTs. Those are just made-up states. I'm now convinced I wasted years of time and tons of money chasing a fantasy.

You'll do well without Scientology in your life.

 

[betskand]

Really, wow, thanks so much for all the info, videos, links, etc. I also read some other threads on this board.
I feel incredibly stupid... And a bit embarrassed. Apparently I believe in something made up and evil, right? I get that I've been decieved in a way, but I'm not able to fullt believe that. I know I should though but it's not easy and actually really upsetting, this. I'm shocked and sad...
I do believe in Dianetics though, and I think I always will. I can't believe that's fake or something. It works for me and a lot of people and it doesn't hurt anyone, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong, because I don't know what to think anymore now an important thing in my life is slowly changing into a problem.

By the way, all those things I've heard about church people bugging you if you want to leave, I read in another thread that they keep calling and even visiting, will I get in trouble with them if they find this? Because I used my real name. If this is risky, can I still change that?

Lorna, feeling stupid and embarrassed is a waste of your valuable life! Every person on earth has good reasons to be embarrassed or feel stupid about something. Start from this moment and thank yourself for learning from every lesson that has come up for you. It is obvious from your posts that you want to do well by yourself and others.

One of the things that always hits me is that everyone I ever heard of who went into Scientology did so because he or she wanted to HELP PEOPLE. Jon Atack, a former member who wrote the (in my opinion) BEST book about Scientology is just such a person. (The book is "A Piece of Blue Sky" and you can get it from Amazon.) He is a very literate, thoughtful, absolutely NON-STUPID person. What he reveals in the course of the book is how much Dianetics leads to effects that were the opposite of what he originally thought. The history of Dianetics is interesting and worth reading about, and you will find that many intelligent and good people were involved with it but eventually had to leave it because in the long run it is not about increasing awareness (being more present for yourself and others) but about depending on effects that are not good for you.

As for Dianetics helping and not hurting anyone, I once again recommend Jon Atack's book. Any practice you can find, except maybe shooting up heroin or killing people, will have something good about it. (The cult I was part of, Insight or MSIA, taught me things I still use, but overall was a form of hypnotism much like Scientology.)

But don't assault yourself for seeing things as you now do! Just keep on investigating, and in the meantime be kind to yourself and others. And just remember that anything that limits your mental freedom will do you harm in the long run.

 

[Lorna]

Again: thank you! All of you!
Your help really gets me somewhere but it also confuses me more... Arghhh...
I'm really overwhelmed by all this and even though most of you advise me to "just leave". Well, I can't. I know now that Scientology is not what I believed it was. But that doesn't make it go away. I have friends there (most of my closest friends), and I spend a lot of time on it. I know this sounds really pathetic but in a way it's a part of my life and I'll have to deal with losing quite some things when I "just leave".
Thinking about this makes me almost feel genuinely sick. Especially when I realize about all the time that I've done this to myself and that I could have just googled Scientology. Yes, you tell me it's not weird that I haven't but I'm mad at myself either way. I feel so bad I can't even sleep.

I hope you don't misunderstand this. I REALLY appreciate your help. If I could I'd take you all out for dinner! I just don't know what I'm thinking at the moment

 

[pebbles]

Again: thank you! All of you!
Your help really gets me somewhere but it also confuses me more... Arghhh...
I'm really overwhelmed by all this and even though most of you advise me to "just leave". Well, I can't. I know now that Scientology is not what I believed it was. But that doesn't make it go away. I have friends there (most of my closest friends), and I spend a lot of time on it. I know this sounds really pathetic but in a way it's a part of my life and I'll have to deal with losing quite some things when I "just leave".
Thinking about this makes me almost feel genuinely sick. Especially when I realize about all the time that I've done this to myself and that I could have just googled Scientology. Yes, you tell me it's not weird that I haven't but I'm mad at myself either way. I feel so bad I can't even sleep.

I hope you don't misunderstand this. I REALLY appreciate your help. If I could I'd take you all out for dinner! I just don't know what I'm thinking at the moment

Sweet, sweet child,
You, my dear, are stronger than you know.
If you were reading a book, what would you want the main character to do?
I ask myself this and it helps.
I always want them to take the risk But, that's just me.
You are writing your own life story. You have been given a hand and now...you can do what you want.
What you write is up to you.
You see all these people here?
They are good people.
Many have lost their kids.
Such sadness.
You are young now.
Be smart. Know that you are loved.
Be strong.
But, look toward the future.
When you have kids, everything changes .
Set it up right
XO

 

[degraded being]

Again: thank you! All of you!
Your help really gets me somewhere but it also confuses me more... Arghhh...
I'm really overwhelmed by all this and even though most of you advise me to "just leave". Well, I can't. I know now that Scientology is not what I believed it was. But that doesn't make it go away. I have friends there (most of my closest friends), and I spend a lot of time on it. I know this sounds really pathetic but in a way it's a part of my life and I'll have to deal with losing quite some things when I "just leave".
Thinking about this makes me almost feel genuinely sick. Especially when I realize about all the time that I've done this to myself and that I could have just googled Scientology. Yes, you tell me it's not weird that I haven't but I'm mad at myself either way. I feel so bad I can't even sleep.

I hope you don't misunderstand this. I REALLY appreciate your help. If I could I'd take you all out for dinner! I just don't know what I'm thinking at the moment

Be kind to yourself. Think about the good side of it. I know that sound super-trite, and you do have real issues to think about, but you are one of the lucky ones in some ways.
You stand to save thousands or hundreds of thousand of dollars.
Whatever you do now, you will not be likely to join the Sea Org, with sleep deprivation, restricted diet, overwork for long hours, treated as a slave, etc..
I assume that if you are not already on staff, you will not be tempted to join staff, which is a way to slowly leach away your savings so you can work long hours for peanuts, buying auditing with no way to regain the money, etc.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to think things through.
Thank yourself for being inquisitive enough and smart enough to have created the opportunity to find out the truth. There are thousands who can't, or will not do that.
Be really good to yourself. You don't have to have a whole lot of worry that is created by others. A lot of things you could worry about are NOT YOUR PROBLEM, but created by others.
Be really good to yourself.

 

[FoTi]

Again: thank you! All of you!
Your help really gets me somewhere but it also confuses me more... Arghhh...
I'm really overwhelmed by all this and even though most of you advise me to "just leave". Well, I can't. I know now that Scientology is not what I believed it was. But that doesn't make it go away. I have friends there (most of my closest friends), and I spend a lot of time on it. I know this sounds really pathetic but in a way it's a part of my life and I'll have to deal with losing quite some things when I "just leave".
Thinking about this makes me almost feel genuinely sick. Especially when I realize about all the time that I've done this to myself and that I could have just googled Scientology. Yes, you tell me it's not weird that I haven't but I'm mad at myself either way. I feel so bad I can't even sleep.

I hope you don't misunderstand this. I REALLY appreciate your help. If I could I'd take you all out for dinner! I just don't know what I'm thinking at the moment

You don't have to leave just because people here tell you to. You can hang around Scientology for a while and just come here and learn more, maybe get to know some of the people who have been in and are now out, maybe explore some of the places and people you can receive services from in the field that are highly trained and are now out.

It's no fun to have to give up your friends, but new friends can be made, if you decide to leave, and maybe, hopefully, your friends will wake up too and you can continue your friendships outside of the CoS.

I would say....don't leave until you yourself have enough information and maybe some sort of plan for your future and you yourself are ready to leave. The difference between the PR that Scientology dishes out and the picture that they paint for you is quite different from the truth...the reality of what Scientology really is about. It's very confusing when one suddenly peeks behind the curtain.....kind of like the Wizard in the Wizard of Oz who had everybody convinced he was a Wizard, until he was found out he was a scam artist. But, don't get mad at yourself.....you didn't know what you were getting into when you got involved any more than the rest of us did.

Take your time and sort things out in your own time and in your own way. You don't have to take orders from anybody here on ESMB.

A lot of people here want to help, but even though most of us have been through the experience of Scientology and then waking up to what's really going on there, after coming away from it, we don't all think alike and although one person may think one thing is the optimum thing to do, another person may think something else is the optimum thing to do. You are the only one who knows about you and the circumstances in your own life that you have to deal with so look things over very carefully and choose your moves wisely.....what's best for you....not just what someone else wants you to do.

 

[NoName]

Great advice so far re leaving... I would also add that we've all done it and survived. So there is a ton of understanding of the sense of loss that one feels.

I've also been divorced and lost family members and friends to death. I have to say that leaving Scientology was just as bad, if not worse. Because you don't just feel like one person left you - you loose an entire way of life.

My 2D and I have filled the void with new hobbies. Travelling and redecorating the house were also in order since we suddenly had the funds to do so.... Start thinking of a wog bucket list, because it'll be fun when you get to cross things off.

 

[sallydannce]

Again: thank you! All of you!
Your help really gets me somewhere but it also confuses me more... Arghhh...
I'm really overwhelmed by all this and even though most of you advise me to "just leave". Well, I can't. I know now that Scientology is not what I believed it was. But that doesn't make it go away. I have friends there (most of my closest friends), and I spend a lot of time on it. I know this sounds really pathetic but in a way it's a part of my life and I'll have to deal with losing quite some things when I "just leave".
Thinking about this makes me almost feel genuinely sick. Especially when I realize about all the time that I've done this to myself and that I could have just googled Scientology. Yes, you tell me it's not weird that I haven't but I'm mad at myself either way. I feel so bad I can't even sleep.

I hope you don't misunderstand this. I REALLY appreciate your help. If I could I'd take you all out for dinner! I just don't know what I'm thinking at the moment

It does not sound pathetic at all, not to me and many many others on this message board. My whole life was entwined with scientologists and scientology. It was huge when I finally committed myself to fully walking away.

Being mad at yourself - yeah been there, done that. Can't sleep...know that one.

Here's the point:

A crossroad in life - left or right? Straight ahead? A slight left, a slight right? And fear rises up and all hell breaks out. Inner turmoil surges, the mind races, sleep gets disturbed and the gut churns.

Trust yourself. Like you never have before. Listen to your own "inner guidance" and not the words of others. One of the wonderful things about us humans is our deep inner strength and the courage we can muster up when faced with the "tough stuff". I am in my 50s and something I have deeply learned along the path of living my life is when doors close, sometimes violently and with great pain, there is always wonderful new opportunities and joy ahead. New doors open. We dust ourselves off, realign to our new circumstances and find a way forward. There have been times when my life has challenged me way beyond what I thought I was capable of coping with. I was wrong, I under-estimated my own strength. Doors close, and new doors open as we live our life.

You have courage. You have strength. And when you are ready, walk your walk with dignity. Take your time, be gentle and kind to yourself.

 

[marjiking]

i can see u have confusion for good reason but if you google hypnosis by suggestion u will see very similar to the techniques used in dianetics. suggestive hypnosis is also a form of mind control and can be use to brain wash an individual. before you spend another dime on courses, auditing ask your self what other religion has their members pay to receive help? heck even AA NA are free and have a support network free literature christian and catholic churches give free counseling and free self help books never are you obligated to pay for getting help in any form aka spiritual, food, housing, cash assistance and in some cases even will pay for schooling. scientology does none of these things all they ask first is it will cost you x amount of dollars before we can help you. and if you can't pay for the course or service they won't help you as the bible says the road of evil is paved with good intentions.

 

[Free Being Me]

Again: thank you! All of you!
Your help really gets me somewhere but it also confuses me more... Arghhh...
I'm really overwhelmed by all this and even though most of you advise me to "just leave". Well, I can't. I know now that Scientology is not what I believed it was. But that doesn't make it go away. I have friends there (most of my closest friends), and I spend a lot of time on it. I know this sounds really pathetic but in a way it's a part of my life and I'll have to deal with losing quite some things when I "just leave".
Thinking about this makes me almost feel genuinely sick. Especially when I realize about all the time that I've done this to myself and that I could have just googled Scientology. Yes, you tell me it's not weird that I haven't but I'm mad at myself either way. I feel so bad I can't even sleep.

I hope you don't misunderstand this. I REALLY appreciate your help. If I could I'd take you all out for dinner! I just don't know what I'm thinking at the moment

Lorna, you know what? What you're thinking and feeling is natural. Every person here to some lesser or greater degree has had to deal with what your saying on a personal level. Doubts, regrets, quandaries, fears, you betcha.

When you're ready to do what you feel is best for yourself, do it head held high with grace and poise. Believe in yourself.

"What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self!"
Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-1864)

 

[marjiking]

Great advice so far re leaving... I would also add that we've all done it and survived. So there is a ton of understanding of the sense of loss that one feels.

I've also been divorced and lost family members and friends to death. I have to say that leaving Scientology was just as bad, if not worse. Because you don't just feel like one person left you - you loose an entire way of life.

My 2D and I have filled the void with new hobbies. Travelling and redecorating the house were also in order since we suddenly had the funds to do so.... Start thinking of a wog bucket list, because it'll be fun when you get to cross things off.

i have agree with you there. must say all that extra time i have goes to learning computers and how to use a cell phone. OMG can i say i love watching the news my fav thing been 14 years since i left still catching up with all the world happenings

 

[Wants2Talk]

Again: thank you! All of you!
Your help really gets me somewhere but it also confuses me more... Arghhh...
I'm really overwhelmed by all this and even though most of you advise me to "just leave". Well, I can't. I know now that Scientology is not what I believed it was. But that doesn't make it go away. I have friends there (most of my closest friends), and I spend a lot of time on it. I know this sounds really pathetic but in a way it's a part of my life and I'll have to deal with losing quite some things when I "just leave".
Thinking about this makes me almost feel genuinely sick. Especially when I realize about all the time that I've done this to myself and that I could have just googled Scientology. Yes, you tell me it's not weird that I haven't but I'm mad at myself either way. I feel so bad I can't even sleep.

I hope you don't misunderstand this. I REALLY appreciate your help. If I could I'd take you all out for dinner! I just don't know what I'm thinking at the moment

Nausea is common when finding out about Hubbard - its a big shock and loss. Take the time to do your own due diligence and be the boss of you. I find the words of his son LRH Jr to ring with more and more truth for me as time goes by. Btw, none of this means complete materialism is correct. You are spirit. Freedom and truth can be had, but not in authoritarian groups.

Love.

 

[TrevAnon]

Okay, again just my 2 cents.

Should you decide to "leave", then there are thousands of ways doing it. One can leave with a bang like Jason Beghe, one can also simply stop going to the org, events and what have you.

Looks to me [and I say: to me, and remind yourself I was never in] that the advice to leave given in other posts is most probably very well meant. But it is an advice that cannot be given without more information about your situation.

Beware: I am NOT asking you you should say more.

I do think however an advice should be tailor made to different situations. If you are the only family member who is in and you have a busy social life outside of the cult, then your situation is obviously different from someone having his/her whole family in and knowing no one outside of COS.

Again: I am NOT asking to tell more.

EDIT

If I could I'd take you all out for dinner!

We do like virtual parties here every now and then

 

[guRl]

Okay, again just my 2 cents.

Should you decide to "leave", then there are thousands of ways doing it. One can leave with a bang like Jason Beghe, one can also simply stop going to the org, events and what have you.

Looks to me [and I say: to me, and remind yourself I was never in] that the advice to leave given in other posts is most probably very well meant. But it is an advice that cannot be given without more information about your situation.

Beware: I am NOT asking you you should say more.

I do think however an advice should be tailor made to different situations. If you are the only family member who is in and you have a busy social life outside of the cult, then your situation is obviously different from someone having his/her whole family in and knowing no one outside of COS.

Again: I am NOT asking to tell more.

^^^ This.

Also, I would like to add that leaving Scientology doesn't necessarily mean being completely shunned by all your friends, unless you're SP declared (as far as I understand it). I know Exes who at least for the time being left quietly without too much mayhem, and they're still in touch with their Scio friends,
even though it does mean they're cut off from the "Org life".
Like TrevAnon said before me, it depends greatly on your own specific situation, as there are many ways to leave.

 

[jenni with an eye]

Lorna



You've come to a good place here at ESMB.

 

[DeeAnna]

I noticed that Leah Remini made a plan before she left. And so, obviously, did Katie Holmes. (Ya really have to hand it to that girl that she got OUT of a very, very difficult situation)

I would think anyone who is having doubts should keep gathering information and also begin to make a plan. For what their life is going to be like afterwards.

To me, having never been in, the closest I can come is when I was making the decision to end my first, long-term marriage. The whole not being sure what life is going to be like, questioning if you're doing the right thing, etc.

But eventually, it seems that anytime there is a huge life decision to be made, as you gather more and more info, things seem to calm down. You start to make more and more concrete plans. Then one day - you seem to just know what you are going to do.

I've also noticed that people get out of Cof$ in different ways. Some to the "big bang" walkout. Others get themselves declared SP. Others fade away, go "under the radar" or whatever seems to suit best.

Coming here and getting info from people who have already made the move is a good thing. Even if you never leave, at least you will have made an honest evaluation of your choices. Another thing to consider is, from what I've read here, there are people who have left and then changed their mind and went back in. It costs a ton of money to go through the required auditing after leaving and going back in, but basically from what EVERYBODY says, they're going to get all your money anyways, so what would the difference be?

As someone else here said - you are young! You have lots and lots of life ahead of you. And you sound like an intelligent, caring person. There is a whole lot of joy to be had out here in the world. Among many other aspects, one of the things that really bothers me about scientology is that it is continuously telling its members what a crappy place the world is! And that is just not true!

Good luck to you!

 

[Lohan2008]

This ^ fill the void with new hobbies & friends.

 

[NoName]

Okay, again just my 2 cents.

Should you decide to "leave", then there are thousands of ways doing it. One can leave with a bang like Jason Beghe, one can also simply stop going to the org, events and what have you.

Looks to me [and I say: to me, and remind yourself I was never in] that the advice to leave given in other posts is most probably very well meant. But it is an advice that cannot be given without more information about your situation.

Beware: I am NOT asking you you should say more.

I do think however an advice should be tailor made to different situations. If you are the only family member who is in and you have a busy social life outside of the cult, then your situation is obviously different from someone having his/her whole family in and knowing no one outside of COS.

Again: I am NOT asking to tell more.

EDIT



We do like virtual parties here every now and then

My 2D still has many in friends and is not declared but hasn't set foot in an org for several years. We both sorta stopped showing up and that was that.

Even if you are declared, your people may call you from the MAA's office to disconnect and then call you an hour later from their car to tell you nevermind. I've seen it happen.

Finally, the cult doesn't do much in the way of goldenrods anymore, and the "if it isn't written it isn't true" line works wonders when dealing with a rumored but unseen SP declare as I have had to do.

 

[marjiking]

^^^ This.

Also, I would like to add that leaving Scientology doesn't necessarily mean being completely shunned by all your friends, unless you're SP declared (as far as I understand it). I know Exes who at least for the time being left quietly without too much mayhem, and they're still in touch with their Scio friends,
even though it does mean they're cut off from the "Org life".
Like TrevAnon said before me, it depends greatly on your own specific situation, as there are many ways to leave.

i wasn't declared an "SP" but the disconnect policy still holds my parents are forbidden to talk to me wonder why that is???? i think i know too much dirt on the church possibly...j/s

 

[ethercat]

I thought I'd get more truthful information here than I would get from the church.

This, in and of itself, should speak a mouthful to you. I believe you have answered your own question.