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paradox

ab intra silentio vera
LOL, I'm investing in Tinfoil stocks before the demand hits.

:lol:

Don't forget to invest in those usurpers of renown, "the moment"!

from Facebook this morning:

Dexter Gelfand
Those of you who post on ESMB, I want to advise you to send no private messages to anyone, and reveal nothing about yourself. The site appears to have been usurped by the moment, accounting for an otherwise inexplicable change of direction and series of actions not in keeping with Emma's ways. Stand by for now.
 

lkwdblds

Crusader
U "R" Us!

And not only am I an impostor, apparently I'm in cahoots with Rathbun's "advance team".

From Facebook:

"This has been directed at making the site more accomodating for Rathbun and his advance team. Time will tell whether or not this will be used to prevent questions that should be asked and answered."

I need a "who the fuck am I" rundown I think!


Emma, I read your new "Them and Us" thread yesterday. I wanted to reply but could not think of anything relevant to say that had not been said by somebody else. Cogitating about it more last night, I came up with a play on words inspired by a famous toy store chain: "U R Us" (speaking for myself). As for "them", they are themselves and definitely R not Us.

I believe that I speak for most, if not all, regular posters on this thread. We pride ourselves in not doing a lot of bashing and degrading of opposing viewpoints on this thread. We respect those with opposing views and also respect and comply with all of the other rules which set down yesterday. I agree with all of them and am glad you are going to enforce them.
Lakey
 

lkwdblds

Crusader
Timely Post! Very Helpful Post!

Robert Leahy, Ph.D.Director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy
Posted: January 7, 2011 09:01 AM

What Not to Say When Your Loved One Is Upset



Imagine that the person that you love is upset about something -- her job, his health, her feelings about the relationship. Let's say she is worried about her health, worried that she might have some terrible illness -- and that even if you think she is going to be OK, you want to comfort her, make her feel better. What are the worst ways and best ways of talking? What should you say, and what should you avoid saying?

Let me give you a hint. The most important thing in talking to someone who is upset is to communicate that 1) you understand they are upset, 2) you care about how they feel, and 3) you respect their right to have their feelings.

What Not To Say

Let's start with the biggest mistakes in talking with your partner. For convenience, I've broken them down into six problematic styles:

Minimizing. This is the style where you treat your partner's concerns as trivial: "It's nothing. Why are you making a big deal out of it?" You are trying to tell them that their feelings are not related to anything real or important. So, the message they get is, "My feelings don't matter to you."

Rationalizing. You treat your partner's concerns as evidence of their irrational and distorted thinking. You try to argue away their concerns. This is a specific kind of minimization, and it sends the same negative message: "Your feelings are based on nothing real. Get over it."

Competitive complaining. In this little game you don't want your partner to "win" by being the one with the biggest complaints. So you start bringing up your own: "You think that's bad? I think I might lose my job!" Again, your partner feels there is no room for her feelings. You matter more.

Fixing. If your partner has unpleasant feelings, you jump in to try to solve all the problems. Laying out your well-thought-out plan, you get frustrated when she doesn't buy into your solutions. This makes her feel less understood and she thinks, at times, that you are patronizing.

Defending. In this scenario you treat your partner's emotions as a personal attack on you. If he is upset, you feel that you are to blame, so you turn it into a trial and start defending yourself. This goes nowhere; you get more angry and dismiss his feelings.

Stonewalling. In this case, you just withdraw. Feeling frustrated listening to her feelings, you withdraw, become silent and sullen and may leave the room. Now she is all alone, feeling abandoned.

What To Say

So, what should you say?

Hint: Your partner wants to feel that 1) you understand that they are upset, 2) you care about how they feel, and 3) you respect their right to have their feelings.

Consider some of the following. Would you like to hear any of this when you are upset?

"I know it must be hard for you feeling this way."

"I can see that it makes sense that you would feel down, given the way that you are seeing things."

"A lot of times you may feel that people don't understand how hard it is for you."

"You must be thinking that this really down feeling is going to last a long time. It must be hard to feel that way."

"I want you to know that I am always here for you."

"I don't want to sound like I don't want to hear about your feelings. I do. But if there is anything that I can do to help you feel better, please let me know. Your feelings are really important to me."

Here are some simple guidelines (from my recent book, "Beat the Blues Before They Beat You: How to Overcome Depression"):

Help make sense of feelings. Tell your partner how you understand that her emotions make sense given what has happened and how she is thinking. "Others have these feelings." "Your feelings make sense given the way you are looking at things." "You are not alone."

Expand the range of feelings. Help your partner understand that there are many feelings -- not just the current one. Feelings come and go, there are mixed feelings, and feelings vary in intensity. "You have so many different emotions -- some feel positive and some seem negative." "I know you are feeling sad, but are there other feelings that you are having as well?" "Are you having mixed feelings?"

Reduce shame and guilt. Help your partner understand that feelings are not a sign of being weak, but rather a sign of being human. "We all have difficult feelings at times. Your emotions are a sign that you feel things intensely, because things matter to you. You are most human when you have your feelings."

Accept your partner's pain. When you love someone, it's natural that you want to jump in and make that person feel better. Sometimes that can be helpful, but at other times it may convey the message that your partner's pain is too much for you to hear. You can communicate acceptance by saying, "I know that you are having a hard time, and I accept that you will not always feel upbeat." Acceptance and validation go hand and hand.
Link emotions to higher values. Sometimes your emotions can reflect the things you value -- competence, love, belonging or responsibility. You can support your partner emotionally by saying, "I know that these things bother you because you truly value them. Things matter to you."

Your partner needs your love -- but your love is an active verb -- to love her or him in a way that they understand that you care, that you get it and that you are there for them. No one wants to feel that their emotions are a burden, or based on some irrational idea, or that every problem has to be fixed by you. Maybe solving the problem might be helpful -- if they want it solved. But showing you care involves making time for listening, being there to hear, respecting the right to feel bad at times.


Carmelo - Thanks for this timely and very helpful post originated by Prof. Leahy. I have placed myself in the position of hearing complaints from upset people on a regular, almost daily basis. I did get some hatting from Purple Haze on just listening intently and then acknowledging.

From an empirical point of view, listening and acking seems to be the backbone of any successful system when dealing with upset people while the worst thing to do is to evaluate for them.

Your post provides extremely valuable hatting elements and looks into the subject with thoroughness and depth.

Before reading your post, I was pretty close to doing what it says. I had two things I was doing differently which seemed to be working and I wanted to run these by you and get your opinion.

#1 - Competitive Complaining - I was using a modified form of this with good results. I use remarks such as, "I can relate to what you are saying about your income drying up because my construction business tanked in 2009 with the failure of the banks and the bad economy." In other words, I am attempting to build reality with them by citing my own parallel bad business experience.

#2 - Giving One's Opinion - Often, I think I see something which may help the person but realize that it is only my opinion. To just blurt it out would be a total disaster but if one prefaces giving their opinion with, "Is it okay if I share an opinion of mine with you?", I have found that about 5 times out of 6 they will say okay and then I state my opinion. More often than not, my opinion will be helpful to them and start them on the road to figuring out on their own what is upsetting them.
Lakey
 
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afaceinthecrowd

Gold Meritorious Patron
Back form a walk in the clouds.

My Dear ESMB, Apollo Thread and Lurker Friends,

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus from posting or reading much on ESMB for about 6 or 7 weeks. I’ve kept up with a few things and have continued to read this thread…there is so much gooder than gooder gets good stuff all Y’all post here and this thread is an important and wonderful part of my daily life.

There are a number of reasons for my “pulling back” from active and much passive involvement with ESMB and frankly, I’m staying pulled back for awhile. The reasons actually comprise a moderately lengthy story that I will endeavor to tell—for those that have interest—while attempting to refrain from my customary self-indulgent pedantic epic heroic slush style—confident in the fact that I shall most probably fail miserably at that.

Dart’s “Goodbye” Mike Laws’ new thread, the forgiveness thread and TAJ's Farwell for Now compelled me to comment. Emma’s “Us and Them” is the ticket and I’m hopeful that it will make ESMB even better that it has been and I’ve been very forthcoming about what and how I feel about ESMB and most all Y’all. I’ve endeavored to follow the rules since I’ve been here and most all Y’all have, too—that’s why ESMB is already as good as it is. Emma is a remarkable person and I know I couldn’t even begin to do what she has done and contunes to do so remarkably well.

I see some proffer the premise that, “this is the internet and you can’t control it or me. I can act as I please, spew what I wish and you can’t ‘touch’ me so stick it in your ear and F Off!” I see this a bogus and fallacious reasoning. It is the “argument” of an undisciplined mind, an uncertain heart and, bluntly, coward-like. This site and all sites of this nature are virtual communities. Every community has founders, codes and officials and those wishing to live in that community are subject to those codes of conduct. Mavericks and Characters are most welcome; anarchists and bullies are not. ESMB is a unique and special resource. The wealth of good, solid information and brilliant, humorous, thoughtful, kind, helpful, decent, enlightening, clever and downright supportive and fun posters is unmatched anywhere.

Any Idea, concept and premise can and should be challenged, questioned and discussed—it is a foundation principle of Western Thought perfected, in my view, by Socrates. Socrates is very good reading and clearly shows that civil, reasoned, humorous, polite, witty, irreverent, specific, disciplined, thoughtful, spirited, pragmatic, patient and pointed Dialogue is the most effective way to seek knowledge, ferret out and discover “truth”, learn, share ideas and change ones, or another’s, mind.

And now, for the rest of the story.

Around Thanksgiving events on some other threads began to wear heavily on my heart. At that time I started having trouble reading and writing again and felt confused and, in general, just plain did not feel good. I had just had a flu shot and had a bad reaction to it and figured I was just “down” because I was a sick with flu symptoms.

Bottom line turned out to be that was not the case.

I have checkups every three months and with my PC Doctor and every 6-12 months with 2 Specialists. Fortunately I was due for checkups with all three the first week of December. It turns out that fluid was slowly building up in my skull again.

Up until 3 days ago I have been profoundly deaf for three weeks or so and off and on semi to fully bed ridden with near daily neural storms and have been unable to read or concentrate on anything inorganic without great difficulty. Due to my earlier event, I live with chronic accute ringing and buzzing in my head (kinda like a nest of cicadas with a bee hive chirping and buzzing and a 747 landing in the background) and the deafness accentuates this condition as it is the only thing that I can “hear”; it's something I'm still learning to accept, not resist and embrace. Grrr.

As the situation was caught in time it is treatable without surgery and the med regimen, “tuned in” over the last few weeks is getting the job done well enough for now. My Doc’s prognosis is full recovery in the next month. As I “come back”...yet again...I will in the future post some stories of my journey over this Holiday Season for those that have interest…this has been a good thing.

I’ve been through this process before and this time is, comparatively, a “piece of cake” but it also is indicative of probabilities for my long term prognosis. The probability now is that within the next 5-10 years my hearing will deteriorate to the point that I am untreatably deaf and that I will have deterioration in my already poor balance and concentration on inorganic constructs. My Doc’s have no idea what to prognosticate as to my consciousness, “thought and reasoning” skills as they say I am already light years ahead of anything they have seen, given the circumstances.

It’s time to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I have work to do. I have one book well in progress and another outlined and planned, and several other “concept/writing/development” projects friends have invited me to participate in. Certainly I am slow, amateurish and foolish but it’s the doing, dreaming and a priori serendipity of discovery that makes it all worth while, no matter the outcome. I don’t need too sell anything to live comfortably for the rest of this life. I have things I want to say and, oddly, I don’t know exactly what they are until I say them and yet I “feel” the “Sea of Ideas” all around me. Sounds nuts…I know.

When someone is ill, infirmed, in need and distress kindness is more than a thoughtful gesture—kindness breaths life and hope into each measured beat of the heart. It doesn’t take much kindness or highly “stylized” to go a long way—it just has to be without computation as, in my view, it’s not a quality of reason…it’s just seems to be instinct. Of this I am certain as, yet again, the kindness of my family, love ones, friends, and Doc’s have “filled my sails” and I am ready to prepare for what may come. Later this year I will be learning a new language…sign language. My lady friend says that she learned from the Art of Dance that non-verbal communication is more basic, inherent and “natural” to human nature and she is going to learn to sign with me. My daughter that’s a Certified Specialist and teaches deaf and blind children is going to help with the curriculum. Another one of my daughters is skilled at signing from tutoring deaf students in high school and college.

I suppose that the “naturalness” of no-verbal communication is one of the reasons that humankind can have such a bitch of a time with symbolic notation. Words can be so wonderful and special and are very useful but we should not worship and them treat them and covet them as though they are real.

Words and Kindness.

Evanescence is a word that describes an inherent quality of the presence of kindness.

Newbies. Folks coming “out”. Some staggering, crawling, limping, lost. Some running, jumping, racing, pissed off. Some walking, slowly, step-by-step looking for signposts to a pathway.

There is no “The Tech”. We each have or own ways, or own “Techs”. But we share a common bond and we were instructed forcefully, callously to not put ourselves in another one’s shoes…to “make” them wear their “shoes” or the “shoes” that were dictated to be worn. Sometimes all a person needs to begin the walk across the parching desert to the verdant forest is simply a pair of shoes, any shoes, and they will go forward from there. Sometimes, even with the shoes, they need a little encouragement, prodding or a kick in the butt—not belittling, chiding or a prod shoved up there arse. I think some folks may have kindness and decency equated to “sucking-up” and “being stifling of ‘free’ expression”. Phil Ochs sang it best folks, “there, but for fortune, go you or I.”

We were all bombarded with the “Words” of the “Tech”. Makes one shell shocked, jittery, confused. We all came out, to varying degrees, “booby trapped”; throwing hand grenades at folks in that condition can certainly set some of them off. I personally think it is more kind and efficacious to thoughtfully help diffuse the little bastards where possible and give folks what “safe harbor” we can to right their ship. I needed that…I think most folks needed that.

Awhile back Lakey referred to me as the “Will Rogers” of this thread…he is too kind. I wish that I could speak and write so simply, so clearly, so uncluttered.

Every time I “go away”, when I “come back” I go through a period of time that all I can do is speak with my heart until the “banter, syntax, rhythms” of the brain go back on line.

I have spoken my heart. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Be seein’ Y’all around the Rodeo.

Let ‘er buck!

Face:)
 
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Ted

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thank you, Facey.

Speaking from the heart is all that matters to me. Head-talk leads to trouble, disagreement, agreement with the wrong sources/things, efforts to dominate, concepts of overts and withholds necessitating recriminations, acceptances, rejections, and so on. Head-talk gets very complicated. Speak/write from the heart. That is what's best. If a person says, "This is how I feel," or even "This is what I believe..." what else is there to say but, "Thank you for telling me that"? That is, if you believe in granting beingness and free will. And if someone does not accept these things I have no business engaging their head-talk.

So, glad to hear from you. I was wondering where you have been. I hope all turns out as well as possible.
 

lkwdblds

Crusader
Thanks for your update Face!

Face - thank you so much for updating us on your situation!! I stand by my earlier comment that you are the Will Rogers of this thread!

I agree wholeheartedly with you as regards Emma. You wrote so clearly and uncluttered the compliments that must be paid to her and the thanks that must be given her. I "diito" every remark you made concerning ESMB and Emma.

On you personal situation, I wish you continued success in your recovery and admire how you are dealing with it. You have far surpassed the doctors' predictions with your earlier recoveries and I take it is a given that you you will do so again. Learning sign language should be a beautiful experience for you which will add richness and aesthetics to your life.

Your parallels with Will Rogers are amazing. You both write simply, clearly and uncluttered and you both have that Texas or Southern ability to say things in a very direct, entertaining and funny manner. You probably share with him his Texas dialect.

God bless you and it is great to have you back posting here.
Lakey
 

auntpat

Patron with Honors
Facey

I have read many of your posts and enoyed as well as gained wisdom from them. This is the first time I found some reality I could share.

The last few years I have been losing my hearing. I really wanted some hearing aides, but could not afford them. Medicare does not cover them. I finaly got poor enough to afford them. This does make sense. I was accepted for Medicade:happydance: Yipee! Meicade does cover hearing aides!:yes:

I think my greatest thrill when I got them was the day I was sitting out on the patio and a flock of geese flew over and I could hear their honking. I was so happy, I honked back at them.:eyeroll:

I also have some experience with Sign Language. I was the Supervisor of a 30 women office. I hired first one and then 5 more gals that were deaf. At first most of our communication was writing. Then they started teaching me signs. I was pretty good at learning and they were terrific computer opperators.

They even introducede me to one of the deaf guys and I dated him for a while :ohmy: Several of us would go out to dinner, with myself being he only hearing person. I wold listen to the other diners making comments about us and tell the others what was being said. If the comets where tacky as we were leaving and passing their booth, I would say F**k You!:blush: The group really got a kick from the looks on the peoples face. I can still remember how to say that in Sign.

I will be praying for your health and especially happiness.

Pat
 
C I had two things I was doing differently which seemed to be working and I wanted to run these by you and get your opinion.

#1 - Competitive Complaining - I was using a modified form of this with good results. I use remarks such as, "I can relate to what you are saying about your income drying up because my construction business tanked in 2009 with the failure of the banks and the bad economy." In other words, I am attempting to build reality with them by citing my own parallel bad business experience.

#2 - Giving One's Opinion - Often, I think I see something which may help the person but realize that it is only my opinion. To just blurt it out would be a total disaster but if one prefaces giving their opinion with, "Is it okay if I share an opinion of mine with you?", I have found that about 5 times out of 6 they will say okay and then I state my opinion. More often than not, my opinion will be helpful to them and start them on the road to figuring out on their own what is upsetting them.
Lakey

It is really a matter of FIRST seeing the situation with their eyes.
If you come across accidently or deliberately minimizing their present time "take" on the situation, then you are , in essence, making less of them.

If you make more of yourself (smarter, wiser, better, etc), they will only resent your words.

If you approach things as "we" then you can help them look and re examine the big picture.
 
Glorioski!

:ohmy: It really IS a UFO cult!!! I think I shall invest in tinfoil futures!:

From:
http://www.finalcall.com/artman/publish/Columns_4/article_7211.shtml


"From the Land of the Seminole and Osceola to the Clear Water Mecca of Scientology
BY MOTHER TYNNETTA MUHAMMAD | LAST UPDATED: AUG 19, 2010 - 3:16:37 PM
The Cultural Revolution Begins | In Search of the Messiah
“Those who believe not in Allah's messages, Allah guides them not, and for them is a painful chastisement. Only they forge lies who believe not in Allah's messages, and they are the liars.” —Holy Qur'an, Surah 16, verses 104-105


On the eve of Ramadan on August 10th and the 11th, a few sisters headed out from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, on a spectacular journey to the Clear Water Scientology Center. Within three hours of our arrival and settling into our comfortable accommodations, arranged for us at the Fort Harrison Hotel, we began our initial tour of the hotel facility. Our two primary hosts, public relations director, Pat Harney, and coordinator, Fu Mei, who were prepared several days in advance to receive us greeted us with great warmth and gentle kindness as their guests for dinner at one of the hotel's fine dining restaurants.


Lit object hovers in the night sky (detailed by box).
Following dinner, we were taken on a brief tour of the two hotel's ballrooms, one of which was host to the Ebony Awakening Awards Program held on June 19th, where my son, Rasul Muhammad, was invited to perform. From there, we ascended the elevator to the 10th floor to view the Crystal ballroom; and from there we were escorted to the balcony where a grand adventure was in store for us. As we were approaching the hour of complete sunset, we were captivated by the spacious, open roof surroundings titillating with a mild breeze and a much lower temperature of the day. The view was engaging, which gave us an outlook over some of the city buildings, which included a park and the Clear Water bay.
As we looked up to the sky, there was a soft gathering of grayish black clouds. Sister Callie Muhammad noticed a small light coming from behind one of the faint cloud formations. From that moment on, the drama of the sighting began. All five of our sisters in attendance, including the public relations director and later joined by Fu Mei, were all drawn to this spectacular light that increased in size in the dark background of the night sky. A variety of color hues began to appear around the object, which were clearly visible to all of us. The shape of a dome emerged on the top with an angular slant on both sides. At a certain point, we recognized a rotating center ring or hub of bright oscillating lights. The color sequencing that we observed went from amber to reddish tints, to soft greens and blues.


Sisters look up to the lit object in the night sky on location at the Fort Harrison Hotel at the Clear Water Scientology Center. Photos: Callie M. Muhammad

When Fu Mei entered and noticed the large object, she recalled receiving a text message on her phone several weeks earlier from Reverend Al Freddie when he was in Atlanta and was describing to her a similar type object that he observed there glowing in the night sky. Our public relations host said that she had heard about these kinds of sightings, generally referred to as UFOs, but had not actually witnessed one before until then. It was hard for us to keep from observing with excitement this spectacular sight. After approximately 20 or so minutes, our host suggested that we go downstairs to the first level of the hotel to the outdoor pool area and terrace. She soon departed company with us for the night, and there we remained in that spot continuing to observe this rare sighting up to approximately 20 or 25 more minutes.
By this time, one of the staff employees at the hotel began peering through the veranda windows opening from the inside of the hotel to the terrace and soon joined us and stated that it certainly wasn't Mars which would have reflected a reddish tint; and he continued, it didn't fit the description of a star. Literally, there were no other star candidates in our night sky view. Sister Charlene Muhammad, the wife of my son, Rasul Muhammad, had accompanied our small group which also included Sister Sabrena Muhammad, Dr. Darnita Muhammad from Ft. Lauderdale, and Sister Callie Muhammad from Columbus, Ohio. She took her small telephone camera and began filming the object which appeared in her camera lens to be bobbing and weaving and dancing in the sky.

As we were thanking Allah for this special blessing and pondering over its meaning relative to the eve or start of Ramadan, within these few short hours of our arrival in Clear Water, another staff member approached us who had prepared for us to have the experience of the Nerve Assist Treatment before retiring, found herself also caught up with our experience and was amazed to see the live footage and recording of the object captured by Sister Charlene's telephone camera.

We finally returned to our rooms highly electrified by this experience that was witnessed by so many participants there at the Fort Harrison Hotel. After we each received the technique of Nerve Assist developed by L. Ron Hubbard, we returned to the Book of our early evening studies on how UFOs communicate with us: It Is Information About How The Connections By UFOs Are Made.

“Whoso disbelieves in Allah after his belief—not he who is compelled while his heart is content with faith, but he who opens (his) breast for disbelief—on them is the wrath of Allah, and for them is a grievous chastisement. That is because they love this world's life more than the Hereafter, and because Allah guides not the disbelieving people.” —Holy Qur'an, Surah 16, verses 106-107

To be continued."
 

lkwdblds

Crusader
The "we" comment is very helpful.

It is really a matter of FIRST seeing the situation with their eyes.
If you come across accidently or deliberately minimizing their present time "take" on the situation, then you are , in essence, making less of them.

If you make more of yourself (smarter, wiser, better, etc), they will only resent your words.

If you approach things as "we" then you can help them look and re examine the big picture.

Great! The comment on the use of the word "we" is very helpful.
Lakey
 
Great Idea, Lakey and Friends!!

I attended the meeting last Thursday night mentioned earlier on Thursday in a post by Purple Haze. About 16 of us attended in Hollywood, including Purple and myself. A surprise attendee was Johnny, the Magic Thetan. We took a lot of pictures on my camera and will post a few later in the week.

The upshot of the meeting is that we are going to form a group which meets once a month and puts on a discussion seminar on one specific topic each month. Geopgraphically, we have people from both Los Angeles - Hollywood and Long Beach - Orange Country so we are going to meet in those two areas. Also, there was talk of holding meetings in Riverside as well as the need arises.

A DEMAND EXISTS FOR VETERAN EXES AMONGST NEWER PEOPLE

A demand appears to exist among newer people for ex Scientologists. Newer people encountering Scn in recent years and not being affiliated with C of S just love to be in contact with "old timers" and are eager to hear their stories. Of particulat interest are things such as "OT phenomena", the inter-relationship between the dynamics, and what it was like to be around LRH.

When it comes to "OT phenomena", Johnny is a person whom people want to hear. Purple Haze also has much to say on this subject. Purple also is extremely strong on conditions by dynamics, the inter-reaction between the dynamics and on the Scn Axioms. I have been tagged to host a panel discussion on the "Factors".

Our new group will feature one specific Topic, such as those mentioned above, for a one night discussion. There will be a facilitator, who is the person who will be leading the discussion, and 10 other people attending the discussion. The discussion panel will be limited to 2 hours and occur once a month starting in February. We are thinking of having a small token charge of $25 for each meeting, all of which will go to the facilitator.

The facilitator will open the meeting and talk on the topic of the evening and then open up the discussion with the attendees. The veteran people attending get to contribute their insights on the topic but most importantly, the newer people will get to hear anecdotes from an "old timer' and ask all the questions they want from the host old timer and dialogue with other veterans as well.

I personally believe this is a great idea and that this concept has the possibility for large growth and expansion. Once a month a person gets to have a lot of fun and learn something from experienced people, while also socializing and having fun.
Lakey

Hooray!!! I have been hoping you guys would create something just like this as a safe space for yourselves and new friends to play with each other and explore life some more!!! Good for you! Yippee!!! :happydance:

I hope that I may attend some time after the weather warms up a bit more. Keep us all filled in on how things are going for you.
 
Robert Leahy, Ph.D.Director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy
Posted: January 7, 2011 09:01 AM

What Not to Say When Your Loved One Is Upset



Imagine that the person that you love is upset about something -- her job, his health, her feelings about the relationship. Let's say she is worried about her health, worried that she might have some terrible illness -- and that even if you think she is going to be OK, you want to comfort her, make her feel better. What are the worst ways and best ways of talking? What should you say, and what should you avoid saying?

Let me give you a hint. The most important thing in talking to someone who is upset is to communicate that 1) you understand they are upset, 2) you care about how they feel, and 3) you respect their right to have their feelings.

What Not To Say

Let's start with the biggest mistakes in talking with your partner. For convenience, I've broken them down into six problematic styles:

Minimizing. This is the style where you treat your partner's concerns as trivial: "It's nothing. Why are you making a big deal out of it?" You are trying to tell them that their feelings are not related to anything real or important. So, the message they get is, "My feelings don't matter to you."

Rationalizing. You treat your partner's concerns as evidence of their irrational and distorted thinking. You try to argue away their concerns. This is a specific kind of minimization, and it sends the same negative message: "Your feelings are based on nothing real. Get over it."

Competitive complaining. In this little game you don't want your partner to "win" by being the one with the biggest complaints. So you start bringing up your own: "You think that's bad? I think I might lose my job!" Again, your partner feels there is no room for her feelings. You matter more.

Fixing. If your partner has unpleasant feelings, you jump in to try to solve all the problems. Laying out your well-thought-out plan, you get frustrated when she doesn't buy into your solutions. This makes her feel less understood and she thinks, at times, that you are patronizing.

Defending. In this scenario you treat your partner's emotions as a personal attack on you. If he is upset, you feel that you are to blame, so you turn it into a trial and start defending yourself. This goes nowhere; you get more angry and dismiss his feelings.

Stonewalling. In this case, you just withdraw. Feeling frustrated listening to her feelings, you withdraw, become silent and sullen and may leave the room. Now she is all alone, feeling abandoned.

What To Say

So, what should you say?

Hint: Your partner wants to feel that 1) you understand that they are upset, 2) you care about how they feel, and 3) you respect their right to have their feelings.

Consider some of the following. Would you like to hear any of this when you are upset?

"I know it must be hard for you feeling this way."

"I can see that it makes sense that you would feel down, given the way that you are seeing things."

"A lot of times you may feel that people don't understand how hard it is for you."

"You must be thinking that this really down feeling is going to last a long time. It must be hard to feel that way."

"I want you to know that I am always here for you."

"I don't want to sound like I don't want to hear about your feelings. I do. But if there is anything that I can do to help you feel better, please let me know. Your feelings are really important to me."

Here are some simple guidelines (from my recent book, "Beat the Blues Before They Beat You: How to Overcome Depression"):

Help make sense of feelings. Tell your partner how you understand that her emotions make sense given what has happened and how she is thinking. "Others have these feelings." "Your feelings make sense given the way you are looking at things." "You are not alone."

Expand the range of feelings. Help your partner understand that there are many feelings -- not just the current one. Feelings come and go, there are mixed feelings, and feelings vary in intensity. "You have so many different emotions -- some feel positive and some seem negative." "I know you are feeling sad, but are there other feelings that you are having as well?" "Are you having mixed feelings?"

Reduce shame and guilt. Help your partner understand that feelings are not a sign of being weak, but rather a sign of being human. "We all have difficult feelings at times. Your emotions are a sign that you feel things intensely, because things matter to you. You are most human when you have your feelings."

Accept your partner's pain. When you love someone, it's natural that you want to jump in and make that person feel better. Sometimes that can be helpful, but at other times it may convey the message that your partner's pain is too much for you to hear. You can communicate acceptance by saying, "I know that you are having a hard time, and I accept that you will not always feel upbeat." Acceptance and validation go hand and hand.
Link emotions to higher values. Sometimes your emotions can reflect the things you value -- competence, love, belonging or responsibility. You can support your partner emotionally by saying, "I know that these things bother you because you truly value them. Things matter to you."

Your partner needs your love -- but your love is an active verb -- to love her or him in a way that they understand that you care, that you get it and that you are there for them. No one wants to feel that their emotions are a burden, or based on some irrational idea, or that every problem has to be fixed by you. Maybe solving the problem might be helpful -- if they want it solved. But showing you care involves making time for listening, being there to hear, respecting the right to feel bad at times.

Thanks Carmelo, for posting that. I just love Cognative Behavioral Therapy, it really does work and helps lots of people. No drugs need be involved! I can add, remember to use " I statements", as in "if it were happening to me, I would feel... or I think this is what I might do...", instead of "You are (too sensitive)..." or "you should do this...", or instead of saying "You always do this to make me feel...", say, "when you do this, or when this happens, I feel...". Even very caring sentiments can also come across as sounding very bossy and invalidating or dis-empowering, otherwise.

Sometimes just listening and mirroring back or validating what the other person is feeling can help a lot. Not everyone needs to be "fixed". :)

I really like the way we speak to each other on this thread, for the most part, even when we disagree, we can do it in a way so as not to hurt or harm anyone. :happydance:
 

RogerB

Crusader
Face,

You're a great friend to many. And you've done much good in your life, and I'm sure it will continue to be so for some time yet.

I know you are well aware you've been immensely appreciated here on our "Apollo" thread. I hope appreciation in similar vein and proportion is your reward in all the other areas you contact. You deserve it.

It is always sad to hear that dear friends are having a difficult time of anything . . . and this thing you describe sounds a real bitch.

I know many will be sending prayers your way as this is believed to help, even if, at a minimum, that you benefit from their love.

For me I'll be reaching out to touch you as a spiritual Being and seeing what can be done to help.

Aloha for you, and mahalo upon you.

Rog
 
Special Message to Brother Facey!

My Dear ESMB, Apollo Thread and Lurker Friends,

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus from posting or reading much on ESMB for about 6 or 7 weeks. I’ve kept up with a few things and have continued to read this thread…there is so much gooder than gooder gets good stuff all Y’all post here and this thread is an important and wonderful part of my daily life.

There are a number of reasons for my “pulling back” from active and much passive involvement with ESMB and frankly, I’m staying pulled back for awhile. The reasons actually comprise a moderately lengthy story that I will endeavor to tell—for those that have interest—while attempting to refrain from my customary self-indulgent pedantic epic heroic slush style—confident in the fact that I shall most probably fail miserably at that.

Dart’s “Goodbye” Mike Laws’ new thread and the forgiveness thread compelled me to comment. Emma’s “Us and Them” is the ticket and I’m hopeful that it will make ESMB even better that it has been and I’ve been very forthcoming about what and how I feel about ESMB and most all Y’all. I’ve endeavored to follow the rules since I’ve been here and most all Y’all have, too—that’s why ESMB is already as good as it is. Emma is a remarkable person and I know I couldn’t even begin to do what she has done and contunes to do so remarkably well.

I see some proffer the premise that, “this is the internet and you can’t control it or me. I can act as I please, spew what I wish and you can’t ‘touch’ me so stick it in your ear and F Off!” I see this a bogus and fallacious reasoning. It is the “argument” of an undisciplined mind, an uncertain heart and, bluntly, coward-like. This site and all sites of this nature are virtual communities. Every community has founders, codes and officials and those wishing to live in that community are subject to those codes of conduct. Mavericks and Characters are most welcome; anarchists and bullies are not. ESMB is a unique and special resource. The wealth of good, solid information and brilliant, humorous, thoughtful, kind, helpful, decent, enlightening, clever and downright supportive and fun posters is unmatched anywhere.

Any Idea, concept and premise can and should be challenged, questioned and discussed—it is a foundation principle of Western Thought perfected, in my view, by Socrates. Socrates is very good reading and clearly shows that civil, reasoned, humorous, polite, witty, irreverent, specific, disciplined, thoughtful, spirited, pragmatic, patient and pointed Dialogue is the most effective way to seek knowledge, ferret out and discover “truth”, learn, share ideas and change ones, or another’s, mind.

And now, for the rest of the story.

Around Thanksgiving events on some other threads began to wear heavily on my heart. At that time I started having trouble reading and writing again and felt confused and, in general, just plain did not feel good. I had just had a flu shot and had a bad reaction to it and figured I was just “down” because I was a sick with flu symptoms.

Bottom line turned out to be that was not the case.

I have checkups every three months and with my PC Doctor and every 6-12 months with 2 Specialists. Fortunately I was due for checkups with all three the first week of December. It turns out that fluid was slowly building up in my skull again.

Up until 3 days ago I have been profoundly deaf, off and on semi to fully bed ridden with near daily neural storms and have been able to read or concentrate on anything inorganic without great difficulty. Due to my earlier event, I live with chronic ringing and buzzing in my head (kinda like a nest of cicadas with a bee hive chirping and buzzing and a 747 landing in the background) and the deafness accentuates this condition as it is the only thing that I can “hear”; it's something I'm still learning to accept, not resist and embrace. Grrr.

As the situation was caught in time it is treatable without surgery and the med regimen, “tuned in” over the last few weeks is getting the job done well enough for now. My Doc’s prognosis is full recovery in the next month. As I “come back”...yet again...I will in the future post some stories of my journey over this Holiday Season for those that have interest…this has been a good thing.

I’ve been through this process before and this time is, comparatively a “piece of cake” but it also is indicative of probabilities for my long term prognosis. The probability now is that within the next 5-10 years my hearing will deteriorate to the point that I am untreatably deaf and that I will have deterioration in my already poor balance and concentration on inorganic constructs. My Doc’s have no idea what to prognosticate as to my consciousness, “thought and reasoning” skills as they say I am already light years ahead of anything they have seen, given the circumstances.

It’s time to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I have work to do. I have one book well in progress and another outlined and planned, and several other “concept/writing/development” projects friends have invited me to participate in. Certainly I am slow, amateurish and foolish but it’s the doing, dreaming and a priori serendipity of discovery that makes it all worth while, no matter the outcome. I don’t need too sell anything to live comfortably for the rest of this life. I have things I want to say and, oddly, I don’t know exactly what they are until I say them and yet I “feel” the “Sea of Ideas” all around me. Sounds nuts…I know.

When someone is ill, infirmed, in need and distress kindness is more than a thoughtful gesture—kindness breaths life and hope into each measured beat of the heart. It doesn’t take much kindness or highly “stylized” to go along way—it just has to be without computation as, in my view, it’s not a quality of reason…it’s just seems to be instinct. Of this I am certain as, yet again, the kindness of my family, love ones, friends, and Doc’s have “filled my sails” and I am ready to prepare for may come. Later this year I will be learning a new language…sign language. My lady friend says that she learned from the Art of Dance that non-verbal communication is more basic, inherent and “natural” to human nature and she is going to learn to sign with me. My daughter that’s a Certified Specialist and teaches deaf and blind children is going to help with the curriculum. Another one of my daughters is skilled at signing from tutoring deaf students in high school and college.

I suppose that the “naturalness” of no-verbal communication is one of the reasons that humankind can have such a bitch of a time with symbolic notation. Words can be so wonderful and special and are very useful but we should not worship them treat them and covet them as though they are real.

Words and Kindness.

Evanescence is a word that describes an inherent quality of the presence of kindness.

Newbies. Folks coming “out”. Some staggering, crawling, limping, lost. Some running, jumping, racing, pissed off. Some walking, slowly, step-by-step looking for signposts to a pathway.

There is no “The Tech”. We each have or own ways, or own “Techs”. But we share a common bond and we were instructed forcefully, callously to not put ourselves in another one’s shoes…to “make” them wear their “shoes” or the “shoes” that were dictated to be worn. Sometimes all a person needs to begin the walk across the parching desert to the verdant forest is simply a pair of shoes, any shoes, and they will go forward from their. Sometimes, even with the shoes, they need a little encouragement, prodding or a kick in the butt—not belittling, chiding or a prod shoved up there arse. I think some folks may have kindness and decency equated to “sucking-up” and “being stifling of ‘free’ expression”. Phil Ochs sang it best folks, “there, but for fortune, go you or I.”

We were all bombarded with the “Words” of the “Tech”. Makes one shell shocked, jittery, confused. We all came out, to varying degrees, “booby trapped”; throwing hand grenades at folks in that condition can certainly set some of them off. I personally think it is more kind and efficacious to thoughtfully help diffuse the little bastards where possible and give folks what “safe harbor” we can to right their ship. I needed that…I think most folks needed that.

Awhile back Lakey referred to me as the “Will Rogers” of this thread…he is too kind. I wish that I could speak and write so simply, so clearly, so uncluttered.

Every time I “go away”, when I “come back” I go through a period of time that all I can do is speak with my heart until the “banter, syntax, rhythms” of the brain go back on line.

I have spoken my heart. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Be seein’ Y’all around the Rodeo.

Let ‘er buck!

Face:)

But Facey, I LOVE your "epic heroic slush style"!!! :happydance:

I always enjoy your posting but especially when you speak straight from the heart, as you have done here with is. I know Face, that whatever changes that you go through, all will be well with you, because you will still be you! :) And you are great!

Yesterday I went for a little walk, and encountered a three story tall pyrocantha bush, tree really, just filled with birds cheeping and twittering and singing their heads off...They were so alive, and I felt so connected to them I could almost understand them, and I thought, Oh, I wish Face were here to enjoy this! I sent you some good energy and did my prayer work, you're on my list for some daily prayer treatment Pal, did you know that??? The organic world speaks volumes to me, too. :D I will always be able to understand and empathize with this about you...it gets stronger in me as I age. Was very strong in me as a child, too.

This prognosis is not written in stone, at best it's an educated guess. Good thing for all of us to hope for the best and prepare for the worst, right?

I so do want you to continue with your writing projects. Please put them and your continued well-being high on your priority list. I know how much effort writing and editing can be. Keep up the good work! :happydance:

We can develop a very simple code, you can just log on and type in XXOO or something (choose a fun smilie!) now and then and we'll know that you are doing o.k., given the circumstances, and are thinking of us...Just try and stop us from thinking of you! :)

It's relatively easy and fun to learn to sign, there is a whole deaf culture and deaf humor, etc. My church has an associate Pastor who is hearing but with deaf parents and deaf children, who signs every service, and "sings" in sign language very beautifully, with the choir. The choir and youth choir have learned some signs to go with certain songs, as has the whole congregation. It's just learning a new language, Facey! :)

I have the tinnitus thingie too, and natural sounds, like a babbling stream. ocean waves, birdsong, etc. really helps to relieve the stress of it. I'm outside most of the day, and sometimes listen to recordings of natural sounds at night, too. :thumbsup:

Trust in Life, Facey! :yes:
Trust in yourself. :clap:
We all are pulling for you! :cheerleader:

Love you, Big Guy...keep in touch with us here from time to time. :flowers2:
 
I have spoken my heart. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Be seein’ Y’all around the Rodeo.

Let ‘er buck!

Face:)

Face, you are in my thoughts. Best wishes on your projects and in your recovery. If you feel I can be of assistance to you in any way, please contact me directly.


Mark A. Baker
 
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