Yesterday, I went through some of the KRs and other things I wrote while still a Scientologist.
I was shocked to realize that a full 5 years before I left, I was writing things down to get handled within the Church in just about the same way I write them down now on the Internet. When I became aware of them, I responded pretty much the same way to them then as I do now.
Another thing I want to say is that I have a friend who never got in who I have known since 7th grade - way before becoming a Scientologist. He was one of the friends I got away from when I became a Scientologist, but over those 16 years while in, I saw him a number of times.
A few years after getting out, he began to notice that I had this idea I had become someone completely different while I was in the cult. He told me that I was always the same, that there was not any difference at all between who I was before, while in, and after. He said that I still have the same ideals, still argued and debated and talked talked talked all the time, still loved reading and writing, etc. I gradually have come to realize that this thing I've become obsessed with, of finding my "true self", is right in front of my face, and always has been.
My point is that we really don't change all that much. There might be chronic situations we are living with during a particular time which cause us to develop semi-permanent traits to handle them. But when those situations evaporate, we go back to being our normal selves again.
There is a common thread running through all the fashionable changes in our lives.
I've come to see that when I walked into a Scientology mission in Champaign, IL in 1984 holding a Dianetics book in my hand - Scientology being what it is, and me being who I am - it was always going to end up this way.
I think the same might be said of all of us.
Great post Alanzo.
For me, with WHO I was back in the mid 1970's, what I was looking for, what I knew, and what I wanted, hooking up with SCN was inevitable. It could not have happened any other way. For me, it was exactly what the doctor ordered.
Of course, now with all my experiences, with what I know, and with where I want to go (not anywhere really), I could never support or involve myself with the Church of Scientology.
There are some theories in New Age materials along the lines that we each attract people and situations necessary to SHOW US who we really are, and to assist us each in personal growth and development. This "attraction" process is part of the very nature of reality. To a certain degree you are how you BEHAVE. And all behavior occurs in unique situations. It makes some sense to me that we each attract and find ourselves in the very situations we most need, surrounded by certain people and forces, as a way to develop and grow. From this perspective, Scientology is simply a brick along the road of life (for those folks who need to learn something by involvement with Scn). Though, within the mindset of Scientology (LRH), the subject of Scientology encompasses it all, and the view is that the data includes the ENTIRE road (I don't think that it does).
A person's character develops over time based on consistent reponses to situations. Apparently, without involvement with numerous external events and situations, a person would never "know" who he or she really was, as far as "morals", "character", "honesty", and those sort of things go. It seems that a person must be "tested", and the character tempered over extensive time in the fire of existence. Possibly we each are, at the most basic, a "static" nothing (Brahma), BUT, we each have traits of "character", and those surface, appear, and develop over time (even over many many lives) through endless interaction with people and situations. One doesn't become stable by "therapy" or "auditing". One becomes stable by repetitive LIVING, and by gradually fine-tuning the traits of ones character. This takes self-inspection and personal questioning (things NOT admired or encouraged in SCN).
I have zero regret for anything having to do with Scientology. I learned many things about myself, groups, and people in general. I saw the face of fanaticism close up and I am quite sure that I could NEVER again fall into THAT trap - no matter what form it took (i.e. religious, political, scientific, ideological).
I was a person who observed things from "an exterior view", even while in, so I was always paying attention to people, what they did, why they did it, what beliefs they accepted, what seemed to motivate them, how they lied to themselves about various things, how they saw themselves as superior, how they chose to invalidate various facts to continue some pretense, and on and on. The only reason I ever stayed in was because I liked some of the data and I always enjoyed getting blown out of my head with auditing. But for me, from early on, the subject and the practice of Scientology was very inconsistent and a mixed bag presenting positive and negative aspects at every turn. I never suffered from the identification of "all things Scientology" as being good and positive - as did and do so many other overly-indoctrinated and overly controlled Church members.
I learned early to shut my mouth because I noticed quickly that even though Hubbard stressed valid key things such as personal integrity, observation, knowing what you observe, and obnosis, that the Church organization and the practical application of Hubbard's ideas had little tolerance for those qualities and abilities when directed AT the Church and LRH. But, I was always quite aware of it. I got so good at covering my true views that I could mock up and change into an entirely different beingness when going on the E-meter. I learned to create F/Ns at will. I would be called in course to mock up F/Ns for students to observe. So, I never felt victimized by any of it. I knew that I was there by choice, because I wanted the auditing, and what the parameters of the manipulation and control were.
For me, I learned a GREAT deal by being closely involved in such a well-constructed mind control outfit. Any dictator or manipulative corporate executive could learn a GREAT deal by studying Scientology in general, and especially the organizational materials.
