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30+ Years in Scientology

KnightVision said:
FTS you're da BOMB baby!

Un- F'ing real how you have managed to get through all that and find a way to Walk Tall..... Beautiful. Beautiful.

One line from your story that is so poignant, so divinely piercing....


'I felt like a very bad person, pretending to be 'normal'​


Never Again.
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SchwimmelPuckel said:
^^^^This!^^^^

I felt like that for a decade.. And I've seen many ex'es say that in different words. I've seen several examples of scientologists taking their own life, acting on this consideration.

I consider it the 'scientology condition'.. This is what it's like to be a scientologist.

"The way to happiness."... What a crock!

:eyeroll:
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Free to shine said:
I've been musing over that sentence now...and it is truly how I felt for so long. Is that what was intended? You 'give' someone a "case" and all these terrible crimes they have apparently committed in past lives, and supply the 'only answer'? Only if you have money of course...:grouch: Such a weight contributed to me walking that fine line on a number of occasions, and I am sure as Schwimmy says, also quite a lot of others too.
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I agree, the whole premise of Scn. BS is that 'You are Bad', 'You are Fuc*ked Up'.... Butttttttttttttttt NOT REALLY!!!! The Real You is Good and We 'Got The Right Stuff' to return you to YOU!

For TWO PRICES:

1st: Agree WE ARE YOUR SAVIOR

2nd: That's PRICELESS (bend over and feed us).
 
Thank you for more of your story, Free to Shine. Isn't it wonderful to not have to work so hard and long with little sleep and sometimes little food? Or have to blot down food in 5 minutes to run (literally) back to post? Not to mention the yelling and being treated less than dirt. So glad we are all out of there. I know I keep saying that!

When I read your story, the phrase comes to mind, "You've come a long way, baby!"

Keep on shining!
 
Vinaire said:
I felt that others around me didn't understand Scientology the way I understood it.
.
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I also felt this way. Still not quite sure what it means. Am am pretty anti-tech these days, I think it is the sugar coating used to cover some vile poison and doubt it has any real value.
 
FTS thanks for posting your story - your survival through all of that is truly an inspiration. Keep on shining!!
 
Hey, Free To Shine,

I just re-read this. I don't know what to say. I hope you can walk ok now. I hope you don't feel like you have to try to be normal. You're a hero for making it through that. That's a tough road.

Mac
 
Thank you for your story. I think I may know how difficult some parts of it may have been for you to write down. It's also difficult for many of us to take apart the good and bad. There were and are people attracted that are evil or nuts, and then there are those who want a better world and are downright heroic in trying to make it happen.

You're on the heroic side, not only trying to make it happen, but enduring, surviving and coming out a better, saner person despite it all. In the end, you and and your family will survive anything now because of it.

Your speaking about the unspeakable will help all the others and their families as well. Normal? Nahhh...Extraordinary, yes. Heroic, yes.
Thank you.:rose:
 
Funny...I wrote this with a lot of pain and distress, only the tip of the iceberg, and it seems so long ago now. Sometimes short sharp sentences hide a multitude of emotions, now long gone after having learnt how to experience and let go. Yeah, there are bits and pieces still emerging, how could there not be after decades, after a life dictated by the delusions of another? That has been my journey, to define myself v others, and always will be I guess. :D

I have just read one of the best posts I have ever seen on ESMB. Here's part:

http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthread.php?t=11177&page=3
I had no idea I could fall victim to a con, and enjoy it while it was taking place; and it was a major life realization and that was: There is nothing outside of me that isn't already inside of me. It is what the ancient said, "Know thyself, and thou wilt know the mysteries of the universe and God." From Ancient times men knew there was a way to reach "godhood," but that the path there was inside each one of us. One might need a master for a while to get him started, but nobody gets there with one. The voyage is a lonely path when you are really on your own, because your very survival depends on your own ability to recognize that you are at the head and the top of your own universe, and everything you experience.
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Mac - no I can't walk properly, but it seems that is also part of my path. For one thing it made me SIT DOWN and have the time to listen, to observe and to come to understand some things I needed to. I used to believe that it happened because I was a "DB" and I was accused of manifesting a degenerative condition to avoid things, and of course it was proof of being PTS . Um...well...no. Sorting out the truth of why it happened is still an ongoing thing, yet it also doesn't matter in many ways. I am sure I will find an answer, and meantime I am totally grateful for the joys in my life and the incredible healers I have come to know, and understanding my own healing gifts. :)

Meantime my interest is in helping bring an end to the abusive cult and shedding what light I can on things like disconnection and the destruction of families.
 
Free to shine said:
Funny...I wrote this with a lot of pain and distress, only the tip of the iceberg, and it seems so long ago now. Sometimes short sharp sentences hide a multitude of emotions, now long gone after having learnt how to experience and let go. Yeah, there are bits and pieces still emerging, how could there not be after decades, after a life dictated by the delusions of another? That has been my journey, to define myself v others, and always will be I guess. :D

I have just read one of the best posts I have ever seen on ESMB. Here's part:



Mac - no I can't walk properly, but it seems that is also part of my path. For one thing it made me SIT DOWN and have the time to listen, to observe and to come to understand some things I needed to. I used to believe that it happened because I was a "DB" and I was accused of manifesting a degenerative condition to avoid things, and of course it was proof of being PTS . Um...well...no. Sorting out the truth of why it happened is still an ongoing thing, yet it also doesn't matter in many ways. I am sure I will find an answer, and meantime I am totally grateful for the joys in my life and the incredible healers I have come to know, and understanding my own healing gifts. :)

Meantime my interest is in helping bring an end to the abusive cult and shedding what light I can on things like disconnection and the destruction of families.
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Good to read this Free to Shine, thank you. I was a 35-yearer.
 
Free to shine said:
I have just read one of the best posts I have ever seen on ESMB. Here's part:
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I liked that part.

Free to shine said:
Mac - no I can't walk properly, but it seems that is also part of my path.
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:sad: Well, let me know if you need me to run any errands. You can still :dancer: with your arms, though, right?

Free to shine said:
For one thing it made me SIT DOWN and have the time to listen, to observe and to come to understand some things I needed to. I used to believe that it happened because I was a "DB" and I was accused of manifesting a degenerative condition to avoid things, and of course it was proof of being PTS . Um...well...no. Sorting out the truth of why it happened is still an ongoing thing, yet it also doesn't matter in many ways. I am sure I will find an answer, and meantime I am totally grateful for the joys in my life and the incredible healers I have come to know, and understanding my own healing gifts. :)
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:thumbsup:

Free to shine said:
Meantime my interest is in helping bring an end to the abusive cult and shedding what light I can on things like disconnection and the destruction of families.
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:thumbsup:
 
Mystic said:
Good to read this Free to Shine, thank you. I was a 35-yearer.
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Sadly Mystic, being brought up within a scio family, there is often not a lot of choice. I left and went back so often when I was young...when the doctrines are part of your very basic upbringing it is even harder to step outside and observe for yourself. I think looking back that when I got involved with the scio school in 1989 that was a last ditch effort on my part to do it right, to be the best scio I could be. It certainly proved to me that I didn't belong, that a group who would leave you to die alone is not good for your well being, and it finally made me stand alone as truly myself.
 
Want you to know you're not alone in having physical consequences, truly. Many due to neglected small stuff that lead to permanet big stuff. And stress alone has a physiological impact. But I understand the sadistic, wrong wrong wrong nasty evaluations either screamed or whispered in your ear.

It is a testament of your character and strength that you turned it around to a positive, as in "listening". Myself, I was always known as a good listener, but when I found myself physically in a bind, I realized I had stopped listening to my own council, my own knowing and my own instincts. I had over a year laid up in bed to hear it.

Kudo's to you for wanting to help with this whole family disruption/insanity. :happydance:
 
Wow, Free to Shine. What a rough life you've lived. It's amazing how much Scientology messes up people's lives while promoting that they improve people's lives, and we fail to see it while in the middle of it.

It seems to take a lot of abuse before we wake up to what's going on.

I was looking at the Comm Course the other day as the first course that I took and many others took coming into Scientology. It did help me some in life, but now that I look at it, I get the idea that the TR 0 Bullbait actually sets people up to accept verbal abuse rather than fight back, since one gets flunked over and over and over again for reacting to any verbal abuse from the coach, until one can sit there and not react to it.

It makes me wonder if LRH set it up this way so that people wouldn't react or fight back to whatever he said or told them to do, even though it was put forth that these were used for auditing and to help one in life.

I know the effect the TRs had on me was that it made me feel that I couldn't react or invalidate or evaluate what anyone said no matter how crazy it was or else I felt wrong doing it. I just had to be there and listen to it no matter how much it bothered me. I ended up with people I would not have normally been with and putting up with things that I would not have normally put up with as a result of this training and way of thinking. This was extremely uncomfortable for me and built up a lot of charge, and got me in some bad places, but I thought I had to be like this as a Scientologist.

I had a friend who was OT V. After she began to see what a scam Scientology was, she told me that the TRs messed her up. I never knew what she meant by this, but I am now beginning to see what she was talking about.

The indoctrination, right from the beginning, really did mess with my mind and my life and gave me kind of a false personality, having to be something that wasn't natural or normal to me. I worked really hard at becoming this way too, because I thought Scientology was right (which of course made me wrong if I didn't agree with Scientology). I feel sorry for all those who are still stuck in that cult thinking that Scientology (or what people think is Scientology) is right and anything else is wrong.

Free to Shine, it's really amazing to me how you hung in there and kept going at it despite the problems. You have to be one really strong lady. I'm glad you finally left to take care of your family. The stress that Scientology puts on people's lives is bound to have a negative affect on their bodies. I'm wondering how much it had to do with your physical problems.

You really do have a good story to tell the world if you ever do want to publish a book.
 
Thanks for bumping this, Mac. I would have missed it.
FTS, you are one brave and beautiful person. Thanks for writing this.
 
I just read what I wrote again, and my goodness, what a short and dry story it is! So many life events, so many changes of viewpoints, yet when I wrote that all I could do was present the facts rather than the issues behind them. I read so many stories here filled with detail and wish I could do the same. My life has been bizarre (and sometimes still is) and in writing the bits I did, it helped me so much to get things into perspective. I cried buckets doing it, though I don't think my words reflect that much, it was such a relief to tell some of it, and so very hard. There is still much that cannot be told at this time, for the protection of innocents, but the day will come when I can.

My heart really goes out to any other person raised as a "generational" scio, where twisted logic and rules of living can produce so much heartache and smashing of your self esteem. I know many 2nd generation kids who ran away...yet got into awful personal trouble with no support. It is so often not just a matter of walking away from the organisation, as it is for those who joined as independent adults, but also your whole family and way of life.

A few people have commented that I am strong and have courage...I didn't look on it that way...in fact the opposite. And that in itself is also a result of scio conditioning. I have a much better perspective now, and hope that my short story helps others who have walked a similar path, and shows that you can survive a scio upbringing. :)
 
FTS

It is a great story in a sense that you found the courage to walk out of all that madness and I admire and love you for this.:love8: :heartflower:

Opter
 
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