Help! Life Ruined

[Commander Birdsong]

not to worry...

yesterday is dead and gone
and to-morroooo-oooo-ooow's.........OUTASIGHT!!!!
i don't know what's right or wrong...

 

[NoName]

Excellent advice

In addition to Steven Hassan's book, I recommend "The Secrets To Increasing Your Power, Wealth, And Happiness" by Alan C Walter. These two books helped me pull myself out of the bad mental condition I was in when I left the cult. I have more to work on, but these two books helped a lot. They gave me a better understanding of what happened in the past and what was happening now. The Alan C Walter book gave me positive things to focus on and positive things to do. Sometimes it helps to focus on the good place where you want to go, as opposed to just focusing on the bad place you want to get away from.

Good to know. I've been talking about that book a lot lately on here, but always with the disclaimer that I read it as someone who has a person that they love in the cult. I'm glad to know an ex-Scn finds it useful as well, because I may end up recommending it to my friend when they get out (I'm trying to be optimistic and not say IF).

 

[Gottabrain]

Medication has not been absoloutly ruled out of the question by me, I would just really prefer NOT to take pills. And I will never take Paxil again. So I will look into Lexapro, and also get opinions from some others, before and if I do.

I also looked up OCD on the net...

JohnMicheal, I've been researching and studying OCD for over 20 years.

I was the first to discover and publish its cause was life stress and to address it as a symptom rather than a cause. I used to write and give advice anonymously on this subject.

Most addictions are compulsions, including thinking habits.

Breaking these habits can be approached at either end - by breaking the habit of action or breaking the habit of thinking behind the action.

It also means finding new forms of stress relief and addressing other areas of your life under stress (i.e., getting out to make new friends, exercise, etc.)

The rule "One Day at a Time" applies. Sometimes this means "One Hour at a Time" or even "Five Minutes at a time".

Give yourself that time, but in doable increments. Ultimately, it's about self-discipline and you have to break bad thinking or other habits yourself. Replace the thought with a different thought - you can write down 20 positive thoughts for this to use as replacements, or 20 different activities to do instead.

About 20% of the population suffers from OCD in some form or another, though most are pretty mild. It's not uncommon. Once you exercise the self-discipline and are successful at it, it gets easier.

 

[NoName]

There was a post I read recently on "TOTAL SOURCE CASES" on ESMB, this was a big help to me, as I believe that I managed to create some pretty horrible world events (9/11 for one) at a psychic level, (which I believe I postulated about a month before it happened, obviously the amount of time it would take to plan an attack like 9/11 would take many years, but my being in a state of the ultimate megalomania that I was, my belief that I am "THE God" and total cause over time also, allows for me to believe that I could be responsible for this event) and was thus attacked and punished in turn by LRH for my missuse of Scn and my engagment in Psychic warfare (this attack by LRH took place after I overdosed on a wad of marijuana that I ate...by the way)....yep! Who would believe that?!? I refuse to dismiss the possibility that this "spiritual raping" by LRH factually happened. All very sane and rational stuff, of course... I get that.

So I have a question, and please don't take this the wrong way.

First, what OT level are you (sorry if you said it an I missed it)? Do you believe you can influence MEST to the degree that you can cause things like terrorist attacks?

If you answered yes to the above question, can you give an example besides 9/11?

Here's why... 9/11 is something I would call a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you imagined the bombing of the World Trade Center, even in such a bizarre manner as using hijacked planes, I don't think that was too far outside the realm of possibility. The WTC had a high symbolic value as a terrorist target: fact. It had been bombed before: fact. It would get bombed again: fact. Seriously. So I really don't think it is such a stretch that you may have envisioned something like that (whether that involved a bad trip or not, I have no idea), you were being influenced by past events and by things that were obvious to most people, even if they were in denial thinking they were safe now that the Soviets were no longer a threat. I lived in NYC during the Cold War and we always assumed we'd be the first ones to die when the Soviets nuked the U.S. because NYC is the most important city in the world - much more so than DC or anything like that.

So you feel guilty for imagining this event (that every person in NYC had imagined since 1973) that ended up happening, because you believe that you influenced MEST and caused it to happen. At some point you take a drug that is a KNOWN HALLUCINOGEN in higher doses (which you admit you ingested a high dose) and you have this trip with LRH psychically raping you.

Question: Did you ever know LRH personally? Because what you are saying is not too far out of character from what I have heard of LRH. Are you familiar with a phenomenon called psychic vampirism? It's an occult phenomenon (and considering LRH's occult involvement, something he probably knew about). It involves feeding off of someone else's life force. I've seen pictures of peoples' auras decimated by this phenomenon, and I believe that it is something that is possible to do. Whether you met LRH in person, or just heard stories about him, I think you knew on some level he is capable of doing this. In carrying around this misplaced guilt over 9/11, you got the idea that he is pissed off at you for misusing your alleged OT powers, and had this vision.

I am not saying that none of this happened, because if it is real to you it is real. Seriously. I'm not saying that sarcastically at all. But I think you are misinterpreting your reality and it is damaging you emotionally.

So here is what I think you should do (try this for a few days and let me know how it goes). Take a picture of LRH and a picture of the WTC and say to each of them several times a day, "I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. I thank you." This is an acknowledgment that you take responsibility for any negative manifestations in your reality or that you experience (you are sorry you saw the towers bombed - not that you caused it, for example - we're all sorry we saw that horrible thing), and you are asking your Creator (whatever that may be) to forgive you for forgetting them and shutting them out of your life, acknowledging that you love your creator, and thanking your creator for the good things that you have right now.

If you need help with that thank you part, write down all of the good traits you like about yourself. I don't care if it is something as stupid as the shape of your toe nails. You need to find one thing that you like about yourself at least.

Do that writing exercise and that mantra exercise. Get back to me in a few days.

 

[clamicide]

Two More Cents.

Honestly, I'm not trying to be harsh. A lot of what you mention about communication is what I felt was going on with me. The problem is, that Scientology pretty much shuts down the color and vibrancy you are looking for. Since I've been out, I've run into people, and knew they were Scientologists (and they confirmed it) just because of how they spoke, and it had nothing to do with dropping in Scientology terms. It's very artificial.

Scientology gives one the idea that you will receive that "one special command" or "next process" that will handle what is ruining you. Some of these things that we look to handle with a process are skills that need to be developed. I'm finally learning that I'm not really totally shy anymore, just because I have slowly forced myself into situations. Lot of it was painful. Lot of it, I felt extremely stupid, and I knew what people thought of me. But, it's tons better after time. There can be psychological influences that can affect what is going on with you--but looking for that miracle cure that will suddenly turn you into Mr. Suave doesn't exist. And you know what? Believe it or not, that's OK. That's the human condition. We were taught that life did not work that way, and that all the others were having huge wins and instantly handling everything and that their life was beautiful. You aren't supposed to talk about your case, so it's sort of a giant secret that there are others that might feel like absolute hell. Learning to talk to others is a skill that can be developed--and if therapy or whatever can help make developing that skill easier, then great. But, the one-shot-clear, or instant communicator is not a reality. There is hope. Personally, I don't see that hope in Scientology, but you are the one who needs to look and decide (I know, it sucks).

You can find an auditor if you like. If, you do happen to get some instant miracle cure, then wonderful. But, if you look at the numbers of people who have gone through the levels and received the tech; and did NOT experience what they were promised--it is not YOU that is failing because it doesn't happen.

 

[uniquemand]

A few comments.

One poster recommended contacting Dr. Frank Gerbode. Feel free to do that. Dr. Gerbode hasn't practiced, as far as I know, for a number of years. He retired to write, play music, be with his family and enjoy the fruits of his labor. I don't think he makes exceptions to his retirement, but there is no harm in asking. Dr. Gerbode recorded his views in the book "Beyond Psychology: An Introduction to Metapsychology", as well as numerous essays and articles available through the http://www.tir.org website. I'm guessing that if you're good with a search engine, you can find most everything he's written.

No metapsychology practitioner would tell you to stop your medical treatment. Once you begin a relationship with a doctor, you are in that doctor's care. Anyone who comes between you and your doctor should be regarded with suspicion. That being said, if your doctor thinks methods practiced in metapsychology would be appropriate and wouldn't interfere with his treatment plan, I'm sure any would offer any help they thought they were truly capable of offering. Some might decline if they felt they couldn't help.

Having terminated your own treatment, you are in interesting territory. Many people here have suggested Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm sure many have had remarkable results from it. Research it online. I think you will find that it can be understood by a layman with a little work. I would also look into Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, which is similar in many respects. There was a group in Florida for many years that conducted scientific research comparing different types of address for symptoms of "PTSD" (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), looking for what they termed "the active ingredient". Traumatic Incident Reduction was one of the modalities they investigated, and it was found to be very effective, alongside a few others. I believe that study is available on the TIR website. Florida state, I think, did the research, while they were offering a "traumatology" specialization that they have since ceased to offer.

All of this is academic, though, and if you are presently in distress, talk to someone you trust. Anyone you trust. It may not make the distress disappear after they are gone, but it can help right now, and sometimes right now is very important. Definitely get some rest, eat some good, healthy food, avoid psychoactive substances that are not prescribed for you, and focus on the here and now. Many things could have been, or might be in the future, but the here and now is pretty certain! Ground yourself in it.

You've received a lot of advice. Consider it, consider the sources. Ultimately, you'll make the decision of where to go for help.

I would definitely recommend that you continue to post. Each of us is here for different reasons, with different opinions, but all of us are pulling for you. Ask questions, state your feelings, share your thoughts. There will be some dickheads who attack you. Ignore them. Thank you for having the courage to share what you have. Many of us have been through similar types of situations, believe it or not. Even if we can't make everything okay, it can help to understand you are amongst people who can understand and listen.

I'm all ears.

 

[The_Fixer]

^^^^

 

[Magoo]

John Michael,

Much/most of what is written above is or can be very helpful to you.
However, only you know *really* how bad this condition is, and how much medical help you need.

As someone with a medical condition (Epilepsy) I can tell you for 30
Y E A R S I got "medical advice" from people totally untrained in medicine. That doesn't mean they were always wrong.......but one has to realize
often the "nicest" people, who do care a TON (as all here do) may not
be what *you* need.

So I would say you need to make the leap and GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR. There are excellent medications that can help you with this, as well as possibly therapy. Also, check out (along with those) natural remedies, as well as the books listed above. Two other great ones are:
"You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay
and
"Captive Hearts, Captive Minds" (about Cults, how we got suckered in, what they are, and how to heal from them)

If you want to talk, I'm happy to chat with you. Again, *not* as
a medical person, but I did up to OT 7, and am a Grad 5 auditor,
as well as was "in" for 30 years...so I get the picture, and I agree,
it *may* really help you to speak with some of us. Also, there are
great videos on line, that I think others posted links to. Just learning you're really NOT all alone, often helps people, greatly.

My love to all here, and best to you!

Tory/Magoo
Burbank, CA
(818) 588-3044
www.youtube.com/ToryMagoo44