ok, i'll try not to shorten this too much then! lol. the problem is that i've been away now for several years and although i have spoken about some of these issues with friends i've not had to di it to people who really get the finer points. you know, the ACTUAL things that caused upsets. lol. anyway, more....
so, i'm married to a sup who has totally made it clear that the org and scientology are completely her first priority (apart, of course, from the bit where she was out ethics and between them her and her co-offender managed to jeoperdise the delivery of the tech entirely in ldn!
lol). tring to make money to live and keep her on post. looking after the kids most of the time when n
ot working. getting crap from her if in amoungst all this i haven't kept the houe clean and tidy. (ok, i totally except that i'm not the most tidy person in the world!lol.
but still....). so whilst bending over backwards to please her and make the marriage work she continued to have a "thing" going on with liam the sup at ldn foundation. i remember learning about propritiation. thats all well and good, making myself less blah blah, but when its done to appease a staff member it is apparently ok. because they arealways right! right? so i'm not making myself less at all! i just am less! that was what i came to realise. not pleasant to think about and i know that it sounds pretty pathetic, buts that how it was...for me anyway.
so there were a couple more episodes of louise leaving me and then coming back! i dont remember exactly how many times this happened just that it did. i didn't know if i was coming going or been! she was away from me and the kids for i would say most of the pregnancy on and off and actually managed to get herself a house in manor park at the time (east of london, past stratford). i've no idea how she managed this, or wh
o she borrowed from in order to make it happen. i think her plan was to have a big enough space and then relieve me of the children! wtf she thought she was going to do with them is anyones guess but she must of had some sort of plan i suppose. i remember taking the kids over ther to see her a few times and one particular time she had her bags of stuff emptied out on the floor. she hadn't really unpacked or mocked the house up in any way. she had to leave to go on post or whatever and i agreed to stay there for a while i think to waite for the gas man? or something like that anyway. after she had gone i did the bad thing! my need for infomation was strong. i wasn't getting any truth about her and what she had done at all so i decided to look through her stuff for clues. not a very nice thing to do i know. well i certainly found something. i found her doubt formula on me! the things she had put in the negtive side made me feel oh so good!!!!!
really glad i went looking there!
. the next thing i know, iwas driving the kids home, crying uncontrolably and trying to ignore the looks of nosey pedestrians looking in! i just kept appologising to the kids about how useless i was and that i was sorry this was all happening and that they deserved better. yes they did.
so like i say, a lot of this is a little vague and the timeline is a bit messed up. i,ve just realised that i,ve missed a chunk. somwhere in amoungst all that louise and i had marraige counciling! did the course, watched the movie, had the sessions! i was really into it (of course i was, i loved her and i believed!) the movie made it all look so easy! this was gonna be great. so ok i was gonna have to own up to some stuff! well that was ok by me, i wanted the marraige to work so whatever it took right! what a croc! total bs! complete bollocks! sure i spilled my guts with louise sitting there ( for anyone who doesn't know, marraige counciling is done on the cans with both partners in the room at the same time. you kinda take turns, as i remember it, getting your o/w's off. you are not allowed to comment at all when your partner is doing thier bit and the same for them.)the problem was she didn't do the same! i mean, she had told me some of the things she had done! i knew! but it didn't come up for her! how fucking convenient! so my folder gets all the bad stuff written in it, and hers gets a few cursory pointles, hardly worth considering at all, overts in! wtf! now i know its not about that, and that if it didn't read then she obviously didn't have any charge on it yadayada blah blah. but it sure went a long way to confirming louises version of what i was like!
. needless to say it didn't really work for us! lol.
so anyway, lou is living in manor park. i'm in plumstead with the kids and things are just kinda going along that way. she is convinced that she is going to have the new baby on her own and somehow everything is going to be fine and dandy. i am by now doing some day work as well as gigs in order to make money. i had a couple of teenagers as babysitters while i worked and to be honest i took the piss out of them really. completely took liberties. but what else could i do? my trade is as a musician so whatever day work i got was not gonna be particularly well paid so i couldn't afford a nursery. i was earning 45 pounds a day driving a van around and delivering kitchens. i paid 25 of that to the babysitters, fuel to get to the place to pick up the van and then some sort of food! i didn't make much money! lol. looking back on it, i think it was probably a way of getting a break from the kids as much as anything. my mental and emotional state were not great and i wasn't a good parent. i just wasn't. no patience, dirty house, no money, not much food, and on and on and on! so then, surprise surprise, a month or so ( i dont remember exactly) before the new baby is due louise decides that yes! she wants to make a go of things! yay! whoopi! i have no idea if it was because she got kicked out of her house or something, or the reality of having a baby on her own kicked in, or whether she genuinly wanted to try to make things right. what i do know is that nothing changed. i did express that there would have to be some change. i mean i just couldn't have things go on the way they were. she HAD to take more responsibility for the second dynamic! i couldn't do it ALL myself anymore. the solution..... lets get a nanny so that i can go to work and produce more !
. not the solution i was looking for there! i wanted HER to spend more tim at home ffs! so ok, this is what we did then. we were given the number of an agency by someone in the org. all mostly eastern european girls who were looking to come to England to study English and would do nanny work as a sort of exchange. we had to house them, feed them, let them study and the exchange was supposed to be "light duties including some child minding". well light duties it obvoiusly was not! but where as we were only expected to give them some pocket money as such, we gave much more than that. gotta keep the exchange in eh!
the new baby came in june and i thought every thing was going to be fine from here on out. we kind of had things set up. we could only move forward! wrong! he was less than a month old and guess what! she wanted to leave again!!!!
this was where the line got drawn. no way was i gonna take this anymore. so i said no! no way! you stay here with the kids and i'm going back to my parents (god i'm SUCH a grown up! lol). you're not doing this to me again. no way. YOU have the responsibility of the children! YOU make it go right! YOU deal with trying to live out here in the real world whilst trying to pursue your spiritual goals! so that was it. i left. gone .over. why didn't i feel great? why did i feel shit? because i didn't want it to be over. i wanted it to be right! well, because I had left HER it was obviously MY responsibility to carry on paying for the nanny! right! makes perfect sense! i had to pay some sort of maintanance anyway so we'll just call it that. i paid her 100 pounds a week. 100 POUNDS! MUG!
so that was that. i wasn't particularly on lines. my marraige was over.and i was living back at my parents. great.
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