START!

[Good twin]

A song from good twin

For Mac and SmallSteps and all of you on ESMB....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rc2jsjnt-HY

 

[quietheart]

Hi Small Steps, welcome to the board and thank you for sharing your story.

 

[HappyGirl]

for writing your story Small Steps, and !
Your experiences were completely different from mine, and yet I related to everything you said and all your thoughts feelings! Welcome to the rest of your life!

 

[Zander]

Thanks for writing your story small steps, and I'm really glad that things are improving for you.

Zander

 

[AnonyMary]

Excited yet churning inside!!! spot on!!!

anyhow time for the next bit.

so girl comes to live with myself and family in april 93. we got married in the aug (made that go right ). in between those times i got out of the staff thing and took her to ccldn. she was pretty arty and of course me being a muso it seemed the place to go. to be honest she was reluctant to start with (clever girl!) but eventually came round, quite spectacularly as it happens! lol! at this time she was 18 and i was nearly 21 (week or so after the wedding actually). no sooner had she come in than she got to be someones pc in the courseroom, objectives i think, and as i remember it she didn't do great on that to start with. there had been a fair amount of drug use and she hadn't yet done the purif. another thing i always thought was not right! that was one of the BIG reasons i wanted her to come in - wanted her to get the purif! (i'm just remembering as i write this that that was my primary intention with her! to help her! omg!). so anyway she started to do better on the auditing and must have had some sort of win because the next thing i know she joined staff!!! that most definately hadn't figured in my plans but hey ho! it was all good! or so i thought. you see she had agreed to train to be the sup there and a couple of months after we were married she was whisked off to ccint to train! we had only just got married ffs! also, she fell pregnant less than two months after we married so there was all sorts of rush on getting her out to LA so she could get through her whole program and be able to fly back before being seven months gone. Guess who had to send her money so she could live? the org? a fairy? no you guessed it, MUG HEAD HERE!!! great, so pay for our flat, and live, and bills, AND send money so she could do something that wasn't even my idea! missing my new wife was i!!! at that time i'm finding it hard to remember exactly what was happening with me. i was in and out of the org doing bits and bobs, doing drills with people in the course room. i think i did another course during that time but i really cant be sure. when she came back it was kind of all systems go from then on! she was supping on a day schedule and i was going in with her so as to complete my tr's and obj's. i have to point out here that she was already NOT the person i had married! loss right there! all was ticking along then for a while, getting ready for new baby arrival etc. i recieved my objective auditing around about that time i believe. i did well on that. i felt that i really understood it and was able to "have" any auditor flunks because i felt kind of in control, no, thats wrong. this is hard to explain at this point. i think it will become more clear later on. for me and for you story hounds! lol. ok, so i'm stopping for a bit to think things over. that was my first auditing action and i'm just swimming in it at the mo. sorry to cut it short and leave in the middle of a bit!

I'm so glad you still have a sense of humor!! Can't wait to continue reading on....

 

[AnonyMary]

more.

if anyone is reading this or not it actually doesn't matter much. i'm finding it very usefull to go through this and try to make some sense of it. i realise i come accross as having been totally nuts. the point is i probably was. i have obviously not given every last minute detail of what led up to that incident and i'm thinking most of you can add for yourselves various types of org pressure, wrong labelling, ethics injustice and besides from anything scientology just the fact of realising that a marriage has gone for shit. i'm gonna leave it there. i'm not sure exactly how things went after that. like i say its all abit vague. i had probably a 2/3 year period where i was in all this mess and quite frankly i spent most of that time in a fog. more later.

You are not alone in having had such a 'breakdown'. The internet abounds in such situations. When the cork is popped, the bubbles flow, is all.

You were just fortunate that the org was too stat pushing to get you onto the Introspection RD.

Feels good to get it out, heh? Good!

 

[AnonyMary]

.. No wonder. This is quite common in scn I'm sure. Happened to me almost exactly like you tell..

Me too.

 

[AnonyMary]

hi all!......
i really would have done anything to make things work with her. anything. ok, i'm leaving it there. i need to work out how to shoten this a bit i think or at least only put in that which is relevant to this site! lol.

I am getting case gain reading this, lol! Really. linecharging. Thanks.

 

[small steps]

Hi all!

after finishing my story I felt relieved, elated, lighter, relaxed, calm, validated...... i could go on and on! I had a win. thats the top and bottom of it i guess. I want to say that i felt like i had released from some charged areas that were definately holding me back. emotionally anyway. however i'm NOT sure at all that i want to phrase it that way! I have MANY things jumping around in my head at the best of times and right now its as chaotic up there as its ever been! lol.
When I found this site I kinda just jumped straight in. It was the exact right item at exactly the right time. now I have been on here for a few weeks or so and have now started to read around the site I have MUCH to consider and think about. Some of the stories I have read have reduced me to tears and helped me to put my own experiences into a different perspective. I have also spent some time reading other types of threads on the board and the many different views expressed on here are fascinating and also challenging at the same time.
A big part of my "win" was just the fact of being left with it! allowed to have/absorb it. This was something that DIDN'T happen very often when I was "in". It is an important point for me. When some important realisation has occured, or a new viewpoint/opinion has been aquired, it seems to me to be important to allow that to be absorbed into my existing view of the world and myself. Having a chance to see how this new information fits into, and affects, my life is vital to me! Thank you for that!
I have made myself a list of the many varied philosophies that i've seen in various threads, authors, methods etc. I certainly have a LOT of reading to do if I want to feel that I truly have a valid opinion on the subject of how to live one's life and interact with the world in a sane way! Again, thank you for that!
I still feel like I have dealt with something important on here, but the initial "high" of the win has subsided somewhat. Wasn't that always the way of things? being able to examin exactly how my new found knowledge and handled emotions has affected my day to day life seems immeasurably more sane than the way it was in the cos! Have a win = time to be reg'd/recruited! over and over and over.....! how nuts is that! I believe its possible that the end result of that could be the desire NOT to communicate all wins/gains for fear of the pressure that would inevitably follow. Thats something more for me to ponder in the middle of the night! lol.
I guess I have LOTS more I want to say and discuss and in time I hope that will happen. If was staying true to the origonal title of this thread then i suppose I should have started a new one called Change! maybe I will, lol.
I will finish with something i'm mulling over at the moment: Wins/insights/realisations/cognitions etc are the easy bit. they can be come by relatively simply from a multitude of sources (this board included of course! . fitting them into life in a meaningful and lasting way is a completely different subject and one fraught with obsticals. shame there was never a course designed to help one utilise his or her wins in the world.
Thanks for listening guys.

 

[Tiger Lily]

Hey Small Steps. Yea I'm struggling with that too. The big "change" that I'm getting from reading here and elsewhere is that it's OK to not understand. It's always when I try to hard to put everything into a neat framework that I get into trouble. (Not that it stops my from trying. . . . but now I don't have a "must have" on knowing everything ). Good luck with your reading list!

-TL

 

[small steps]

Hey Small Steps. Yea I'm struggling with that too. The big "change" that I'm getting from reading here and elsewhere is that it's OK to not understand. It's always when I try to hard to put everything into a neat framework that I get into trouble. (Not that it stops my from trying. . . . but now I don't have a "must have" on knowing everything ). Good luck with your reading list!

-TL

hey TL,

Think I'll need luck with the list of things to study! lol. I like what you said about making things fit into a neat framework! thats a very usefull way of expressing part of what is going on right now for me, thanks!

I do find it dificult to not try and make things into a "one answer fits all". Whether there is or isn't a basic set of truths that will put life and existence into perspective and solve ALL problems is i think part of what is at the bottom of this for me.

 

[small steps]

update

hi all,

something i feel is important to tag on here.

I have recently been in touch with one of the people that played a part in my story, Liam Lehart, and he has been big enough to answer some questions that i had for him.

It would appear that I believed more was going on with him and lou than actually was. thats not to say that nothing happened at all, only that it wasn't all that i thought it was.

It doesn't change much i guess but i felt it was important to point that out now that i know. Next I want to have a proper conversation with lou. it will be the first one in over a decade.

the truth is all i ever ask for from people. good, bad, or whatever. just the truth.

sorry for the bump, just an integrity thing for me is all.

 

[slimjim]

hi, please check your private messages. I know you and have written you an apology. Hope you and the whole family (x and current) are all doing well. ml, slimjim

 

[small steps]

hi, please check your private messages. I know you and have written you an apology. Hope you and the whole family (x and current) are all doing well. ml, slimjim

when i've stopped crying slimjim i'll answer your pm. I'm so glad you're here! x

 

[slimjim]

Oki, I will check frequently! There's many things to say!http://www.forum.exscn.net/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

 

[slimjim]

Oki, I will check frequently! There's many things to say!

 

[Lulu Belle]

When you were in, you would have though me "downstat". !!! I never had good credit when i first got in and so was unable to borrow vast sums of money! over the ten years or so that i was officially "in" they took me for about 10 grand.

Don't feel bad.

In the 14 years I was in the SO I probably didn't make 10 grand.

 

[GreyWolf]

sounds like you are making it go right now. oops, I'm evaluating.

 

[Zinjifar]

sounds like you are making it go right now. oops, I'm evaluating.

Maybe you're granting beanieness

Zinj

 

[SweetnessandLight]

Welcome small steps! This board is a place to heal and learn, among other things. Try and have some fun with us all while you're doing it! I'm glad you found us and are reading writing thinking about this all. You will make friends here who can understand you as no one else can.

Much Love, SweetnessandLight