My new found freedom led to me falling instantly in love and becoming pregnant. I was 16, it was like time sped up. I did want a baby and marriage, some stability in my chaotic life.
I kept quiet about it, because I knew somehow that if I didn’t, then abortion was going to be demanded due to my age. I wasn’t living with my family at this point, and the lady who ran the house I was in finally spotted me throwing up every morning and told my mother.
All hell broke loose, and yes I was taken to a doctor to see about abortion, but luckily he said it was too late. The baby’s father had moved on to someone else, and his mother told me in no uncertain terms he would never marry me (we were very young but this was still a great emotional shock for me I was trying to come to terms with ) and so it was decided that the baby would be adopted out at birth, and arrangements were put in place for when it happened. I felt I simply had no choice, especially if I wanted to continue in Scientology.
This was England in 1969 and the hospital system was not sympathetic to a pregnant young single girl. I had to lie about what I did to protect Scientology, as any connection to it would have been a PR flap.
World Wide
I was recruited for World Wide but it was decided I would be better in the SO. I can’t remember how all this came about. I went to Edinburgh for a month to the new SO while my Dad did his Clearing Course, having signed my billion year contract. Luckily Captn Phyl was wise enough to send me back to SH, or goodness knows what would have happened. She made up special ‘pregnancy’ exercises for me for the mornings instead of the usual and made sure I was looked after. I am grateful for that. My younger brother was sent to one of the ships, the Enchanter I think, at 15 years old.
What to do with me now? I was sent back to Saint Hill and it seemed my only choice was to join the World Wide org. (This was the management org in place before Int and included GOWW.) I remember that day, it is seared into my mind. Sitting in a car with my mother crying because I didn’t want to go, but not knowing I had any other choice. I wanted to save the world but I felt so young and scared. (I understand my parent’s position during all this and I know I caused them a lot of heartache and stress. Joining staff properly seemed the best outcome for us all.)
I worked as the telex op, and then Dir Com WW. This meant keeping the commlines smooth and delivering telexes and comms immediately. Jane Kember always scared me, and I remember being relieved when I had to deliver a telex and she wasn’t there.
Things changed rapidly during that period, I was so young and totally encapsulated in the reality of that internal world I had no idea what was happening on a bigger scale. What was actually a nice place to work (in the Monkey Room for those who know it) started to become unpredictably unsafe.
One day I came back from lunch and my desk had disappeared. I had been moved upstairs without warning and it was terribly upsetting to not be informed, just have it happen. That sort of thing. The normal rights seem to start to disappear. It was the period of heavy ethics and penalties started to be applied more. Like when you were in Liability, having to wear an armband etc.
One incident that I recall is that we were all staff being sent to London to give out broadsheets. I CSW’d not to go, and it was not okayed, it was an all hands event. I was 8 months pregnant, it was freezing bloody cold and it was a nightmare standing on the streets trying to give away the broadsheets and picking them up again as they were dropped before being done for littering. The journey home is seared in my memory as being pregnant I needed a loo, but the coach couldn’t stop and I was in agony by the time we arrived at the Hill.
Motherhood on Staff (the first time).
My baby was overdue so the doctors decided to induce the birth. I worked on staff until the day before. I am grateful my mother came with me to the hospital, if she hadn’t I am sure I would have died. I was given drugs to alleviate the pain (which I later found out I am allergic to) and the result was that I told Mum that I “was going”. I really meant it. She held my hand and told me, no demanded, that I not leave my body. I heard her through the pain and decided to stay, and finally it was over.
Because the baby was due to be adopted, I was not allowed to breastfeed, and yet my baby daughter was brought to me at the same times as other mothers saw their babies. She was then taken away for bottle feeding. The idea was that adoption was a last resort, and mothers were encouraged by any means possible to keep the baby. This put me in a terrible quandry. How could I continue to be on staff with a newborn? How could I give her up?
Three days after the birth my parents visited and looked at this babe in the cot at the end of the bed. They told me they would help me raise her, as she wanted to be part of our (Scientology) family. So that is what we did. The hospital staff suddenly started to be nice to me, and taught me how to bottlefeed and so on.
I was back on post within 7 days, the day after leaving hospital, babe under desk! I don’t know how I was allowed to do this in the staff climate at that time, I just did it. People would help out by taking her for a walk and so on, and my parents started to look after her more and more. (Eventually they adopted her legally.)
This period of my life was total stress. I was living in a room at the Stables and I tried to cope with a newborn babe at the age of 16, alone, while working on staff. My parents were busy and I didn’t have any other support or knowledge of caring for a baby. I couldn’t cope with all the dirty nappies either, and started storing them in cupboards out of desperation. They were discovered and I was asked to leave, and moved back with my parents.
I don’t know if the time sequence is right here, but sometime around then Martyn’s Place (a huge old mansion with about 20 bedrooms) was finished being renovated and my family moved there. It was a really beautiful place and I remember it fondly, and will try and post some pics sometime. I continued working on staff.
During this time I was raped by a student who I was silly enough to go for a walk with in the woods one day. I wasn’t hurt, except emotionally, and so shocked by what happened and the guilt of “pulling it in” that I didn’t tell anybody. After all, he was an upstat and respected older student and who would believe me? And if I did tell, it would cause a huge PR flap and be bad for Saint Hill. It took 30 years for that to come out and be acknowledged. I cried for a week when I first told someone, and it has had a lot to do with my subsequent healing.
This is the sort of thing that interests me, as it reflects the values of the group. I did not feel safe enough to report a rape, and lived with the certainty for many years that it was all my fault. Of course this is not unusual with rape, but here was I in the midst of the supposedly most safe place on the planet, and I could not tell ANYONE.
Back to my story….
The crunch came for me when one week I was assigned Danger or something and was not allowed to leave the premises, get food, shower etc etc. There was nothing I could do immediately to get my stats up and I ended up having to try and find somewhere to sleep the night. A friend whispered that there was a key to LRH’s camera/photography room she could get, so we spent the night there. No-one knew, and it was an interesting place!
I met my first husband on WW staff. We had an instant rapport and decided to marry, though as I was still 17 it took some work to get agreement to that. I had been becoming more and more unhappy on staff, it was really an insane time and place to be. He was unhappy on staff too, and the thought of the freedom of a new life with him was too enticing to ignore. Our wedding was arranged to be held in Saint Hill Chapel. I can’t remember precisely what happened then, I think I blew the day before the wedding as I had been refused permission for leave or something.
I still was married in Saint Hill Chapel! How did I manage that? I am still amazed. Only half the guests came, and I suppose the fact that any did was because they hadn’t heard I was blowing - after my wedding! This (very old) pic is in the grounds.
My new husband and I drove off into the sunset (towards Scotland) with a profound sense of relief. I will remember that feeling forever.
More soon.
Sue! 
My screen is blurry.
to freeeeedom! 
