Ten years after…

Discussion in 'Life After Scientology' started by Glenda, May 6, 2017.

View Users: View Users
  1. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    Thanks Sheila. I haven't done any writing for many months. I had almost forgotten what it feels like to write much more than a shopping list. :hug:
  2. I told you I was trouble

    I told you I was trouble Suspended animation

    There is so much mental illness, anxiety and depression in today's world, such despair, trauma, mistreatment, stupidity, sadness, idiocy and greed ... that it would surprise me more if someone announced that they were not feeling it or that they were totally happy and content.

    I think as we get older (perhaps I should add as long as drugs or illness are not clouding thought) a clarity arrives in stages and, as lovely as that is, it also scares me a bit (lol) as I have always suspected that when a person finally "get's it" (life, the reason for being here, why certain things happened as they did) they will probably drop down dead 2 seconds later.


    So ... I'm enjoying the little things daily and allowing myself to float above a lot of the trauma that is occurring all around me in the world because I know that even though I have made many mistakes, this is my life ... these are the cards I was dealt and looking back and delving too deeply into why I joined a cult (as well as all the other things I did that were ridiculous!) will probably send me over the edge into madness ... so, most days I choose not to go there. I long ago decided to box it up (while still owning it) warts and all and enjoy what I have done right instead ... because I did do a lot right and hopefully will continue to.

    One thing I have no doubt about is how lucky we are to have this place (ESMB) because when we are talking to each other (or just posting to the world at large) there is always a basic understanding between us regarding the cult and it's many and various mental traps and even though we each experienced it slightly differently I believe that knowing you are understood is vitally important to overall mental health.

    We have a fantastic community here and (at the risk of sounding maudlin) it was you wonderful, generous people who probably saved my sanity when I had nowhere else to go to be heard and understood and I will never forget that.

  3. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    Re: The value of getting up close and personal with language

    What drug was he taking the day he came up with life is basically a static? Dear oh dear. :ohmy:
  4. scooter

    scooter Gold Meritorious Patron

  5. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    I think it's great that we all share what we can because we all have different ways of dealing with life's challenges. There is so much pain in the world that it can become overwhelming, so in my older age that means limiting the introspection to areas that come up as needing attention, so to speak. The one constant in my life is the observing and healing as much as possible anything to do with the cult, because from the age of 14 it ruled my life, set values, attitudes and outcomes. I guess that will always be so, it's my decision and that's ok. It's not a constant thing but it can be very intense, and as you say it's vital to that process to know that you are understood.

    I just wish there was more understanding in the world beyond ESMB of the true effects of this mind control. I have seen too much of it within my own family and on bad days despair there will never be any kind of accountability or understanding. I think the only thing we can do is that the few who are willing to be vulnerable and tell it like it is do just that. The words we write do not disappear in a flick of a mouse like on Facebook, they stay ... and will help someone, somewhere. I know that happens and it helps on dark days.
  6. dchoiceisalwaysrs

    dchoiceisalwaysrs Gold Meritorious Patron

    Re: 9+ going on 10 years

    Always good to be visiting one of my favorite homes on the internet. Great thread.

    Glenda thanks for hosting this on going reconnection. Your courage to share on vulnerabilities is definitely one of your virtues.

    As your opening remarks opened up into a discussion with others, hi guys, I too felt a strong connection because of the common experiences. That led me to deep reflection and getting completely lost deep in thought and as it typical for me number of other websites exploring a few ideas and opinions. Some days those rabbit hole explorations can be journeys of days and even weeks.

    When I resurfaced I found I had this intriguing thought that that seemed to hone in on why we feel and act in life.

    "Maybe it has to do with 'what is missing or absent' that brings to the surface our feelings and thoughts. Of course it can more readily be noticed when it is something that is present that is not wanted.

    But back to what is missing or absent, for example we look at Maslove's hierarchy of needs. https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

    Although it is often diagrammed as a sort of triangle or pyramid I would suggest it be (except for possibly the lowest level) be turned on its side with tubes in a circular formation.

    What I am saying is our needs can be seemingly be met and as such we just carry on along living day to day. But what can happen is that some of those things which seemed to be filled are actually empty and or filled with junk or even funk and our attention can be situationally drawn to those and they pour out dousing us with their content or absence of content.

    It can be very healthy to notice this and slow down and inspect the situation and find and replace the area with what is needed by the underlying motivation... It is after all a scale of motivated needs, of needs inherent in the motivation of life of humans that when met yield a bountiful life. Connection is a huge one of those needs.

    So Yep we acquired from hubbard and other experiences impurities ( OMG what an understatement) that are in need of replacement or even first time fulfillment.

    Okay that is my supposition for the day, tomorrow...que sera sera.

    PS. I was going to insert a little humour back up there with Maslow's information, but unfortunately the humour what was a webpage with diagram called Maslow's hierarchy of internt needs and I think tried to write some programming script on my computer so I had to leave it out.

    It did of course have FUNNY PICTURES OF CATS as the most basic need. If you care to you can add your own Funny pic
    Last edited: May 7, 2017
  7. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    Re: 9+ going on 10 years

    I like Maslow's work. Thank you. You've given me something to think about, to inspect a bit more. Because I walked away with zero remaining connections into the cult a huge gap needed to be filled. I made the decision to leave and never make contact with my former cult connections. I could see no point in continuing associations which were all, imho, all based on a house of cards and conditional affections. The husband/marriage one was a little more complicated both emotionally and legally. In the background there was enormous pressure on him to hurl me out onto the street, kick me fully to the curb (I was evil don't ya know). Unfortunately he could not find a good place to kick me given there were already so many kick-indentations he'd made in the months prior to the proverbial really hitting the fan. Must have been truly frustrating for him and his OSA handlers. Poor babies.

    Eventually I sort of got my shit together sufficiently and nominated to crawl away. Bye bye old life. Once I was haphazardly installed in my new life the task of rebuilding my life began. Loads of people start again at various points in their lives. The opportunity to unlearn so much and learn a whole lot of new stuff fascinated me from day one. It was a big job though. I'm not saying that to bleat, it just was. I had no one in my life that there was any continuity with. No one in my new life really knew me and I didn't know me enough to let them get to know me. It sounds so silly now but that's how it was.

    I think the belonging and love needs took a hurricane force hit. It sure felt like a hurricane at the time. Accepting that you are alone in the world and the few connections you do have are damaged because of your little weird spiritual pursuit gig for the previous couple of decades was an interesting experience. The thing is I think I needed that solitude to sort so many things out. And I built a relationship with my mother which was amazing. We'd never been close, ever. There I was taking her out shopping and stuff like that. We got to know each other for the first times in our lives. We learned to laugh together and have very comfortable silences too. We achieved our "mini miracle" just in time because she died only a few months after we had built a healthy connection. When she died we had found our peace. It was very very beautiful. Sad, yes, but peaceful and beautiful.

    That would never have happened if I had stayed a true believer. So much good has come from my leaving scientology.

    re: funny pics of cats. I still have no idea how to find a photo on the interweb and post it on ESMB. :duh:
  8. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    Our bubble, our last night together

    Preamble: I wrote this sitting beside my mother the last night she was alive. I tidied it up at a later date. Mum died not quite four years ago.


    I can hear you breathing. Noisy, rattling, erratic. Terrifying. I’ve never been here before. I’ve never heard these sounds before. I’ve never witnessed my mother dying before.

    It’s only been a few short weeks since they told us you were going to die. I’m not ready for this. I’m not adjusted to this harsh fact. I’m going to live the rest of my life without my mother in it. I have no idea what this means. I’m too weary to care. I’m too weary to stand, to eat, to walk. But I am standing, I am eating, I am walking. I am not quite sure what I am feeling. I have held your hand, rubbed your arms, stroked your hair, painted your fingernails, fed you, held your cup to your mouth, wiped your mouth, tucked you in, adjusted your pillows… and now I am sitting here counting your breaths. This is a strange bubble we are in together.

    I feel the invincibility of love, of pure loving connection. A connection that held us together for 50 years. And now you’re going to break it and test my capacity. I am not ready. Please keep breathing. Just a bit longer. Let me ease into this. Please. I am powerless. I am merely an interface between your old life and your transition to the greatest journey of all. I am the voice, the ears, the gatherer of information, the daughter, and the person who puts water in vases of flowers.

    I can sense our ancestors gathering. Ready to welcome you. To embrace you, to love you. We are in this together. Loving you, as you get ready to take your great journey. I had no idea a heart could feel this much love, this much peace. Extraordinary love and peace.

    They tell me you are in a coma and will not wake from it. They tell me all sorts of things about what is happening in your body. Oxygen levels, lung function, heart rate, various fluid levels. They tell me you are comfortable. I have worked hard to ensure you have just the right amount of drugs, and I have watched the staff like a hawk to ensure they are tender with you. You are so sweet in your ultimate surrender. God you are so sweet.

    Stay. Go. Stay. Go. Stay. Go. My ultimate ambivalence. Stay. Go. Stay. Go. I am not ready. This is not my call. I am not ready. I feel so selfish. Stay. Go. Stay. Go. Please please don’t leave me. I am without a say in any of what happens next. I sit in the big reclining chair beside your bed, with my ambivalence. I cherish every breath you take. I quietly inspect my over-night survival kit. Elastic-waist trousers, for comfort. Soft t-shirt. Warm cardigan. Woolen blanket. My pillow with a soft pillowcase over it. Small torch. Water bottle. Phone, set on silent. Container of almonds. My book, though I have no idea why I packed it. I won’t read it. I will watch you all night.

    I am in a bubble of something so powerful. Your last night here. Go peacefully my mother. We love as you take each precious breath in our bubble together.

  9. I told you I was trouble

    I told you I was trouble Suspended animation

    I dread seeing a vulnerable, fully exposed soul being pushed further into sadness (or worse) by possible misunderstandings or assumptions made by responding posters on a message board (any message board) ... because (most of us) can do nothing at all (via our computer screens) except watch, perhaps mumble/type a few heartfelt platitudes and hope the already traumatised writer is not being further hurt when he or she suddenly goes quiet.

    It's an area that I have mixed feeling about ... because we won't all always respond "correctly" but yes, of course I agree that we each deal with our issues in our own way and I do respect that and overall I suspect that for many people writing about these things does more good than harm.

  10. dchoiceisalwaysrs

    dchoiceisalwaysrs Gold Meritorious Patron

  11. dchoiceisalwaysrs

    dchoiceisalwaysrs Gold Meritorious Patron

    It is a valid concern. I think it is okay to comment on it. I often wonder too as I post things..
  12. Free to shine

    Free to shine Shiny & Free

    I agree with you in a general sense about reactions which is why we should be caring towards newbies. Goodness knows I had my nose put out of joint enough on the emotional front, yet that is also part of the journey. I have never regretted for a minute posting my story in 2009, only that it didn't have enough details. The writing changed my life in so many ways and I may do it again with that included some time, in fact I know I will.

    Honestly as members we don't have to do anything. What people need is to know someone understands. And if it's platitudes with genuine concern, then so be it. :) The thing that is so valuable about stories and thoughts on ESMB is that there is such a variety, and it's more than possible that one or the other will resonate with someone who is isolated and lurking. And that brings about that amazing feeling that changed so many of us - "I'm not alone".

    And if you're worried about this thread, well I wouldn't. Miss Glenda seems fighting fit to me. :boxing::rock: :scnsucks:
  13. Enthetan

    Enthetan Master of Disaster

    That is a powerful observation. I was once reading the autobiography of a pimp, where he laid out how he got control over girls, and from there doing some additional study about abusive relationships. The way they work, is it's not all abuse all the time. The abuse is just what outsiders notice.

    The way the abuser gets control is by alternating affection with abuse, in an unpredictable manner. An effective abuser has to be able to show affection, has to get his target to feel happy and giddy and enjoying the relationship. Then, unpredictably, get very angry about something. Then later make up and be very affectionate again. Leave the target insecure about what to expect next. The target soon becomes very anxious about avoiding doing anything to trigger the abuser's anger. The target becomes conditioned to obedience.

    It's a very similar phenomenon in Scientology: alternating affinity with "you are fucking OUT-ETHICS and will need to do a BIG AMENDS project!", until the target is conditioned to avoid triggering anger from "seniors" and "ethics officers".
  14. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    Re: Justice and accountability issues

    Yeh! All the selfies, the photo shares, the constant personal bragging about trips, money, careers and personal popularity all over social media, it's like the self-centered 80s all over again. Look at me, look at me, as I shake my little tush on the catwalk! :laugh:


    Oh yeh, Glenda, I can relate. :yes: Thanks for digging into that moment, into all those moments when there is that individual isolation from the rest of the world that we feel as exes.

    When I dug into that moment, it was at a family celebration. There everyone was, sharing something that happened that was meaningful and precious between them, and I hadn't been there. I hadn't known, hadn't shared, hadn't grieved, hadn't experienced it. I grappled with the anxiety, the loneliness of it, the lost years, the lost affection, the lost experiences. I wasn't sure what to say, so I said the only thing that was honest. I told my family I wished I had been there and I was so sorry I hadn't been there for them and how deeply I regretted those lost years. :sorry:

    One sister lashed out at me. She had the same misunderstanding about me that she'd held all her life. She didn't see Scientology had interfered, no, she had an entirely different scenario in her head - and it was wrong. It had always been wrong. :angry: But the subject itself was too sensitive to take up with her while she was in such an emotional state. I could only listen to her odd analysis, a false concept of my intentions and desires borne out of her mind when we were just children. One brother saw both sides immediately and thankfully intervened.Then my sister remembered her own daughter, who was so much like me growing up and said, "I guess all kids are different and need different things." It was a big insight on her part. Thank goodness for my niece's personality and the challenges my sister had to overcome to understand her.

    When I took apart that moment for myself and that instant feeling of isolation, separateness and despair, so similar to what you experienced, I saw that Scientology had not only made me reinterpret those moments of ennui, it caused those moments to pierce any sense of self-worth far more deeply than any normal person. If I am an SP, I lose my eternity, I am nothing, that sort of thing.

    Before Scientology, I had a full bag of social and mental tricks for dealing with unpleasantness in conversation: daydreaming, half-listening, walking away, rolling my eyes, yelling back. After Scientology, I had only one: separating myself, isolating myself and thinking of myself as apart and different - and loathing myself for it.

    These days, if I have a moment of ennui, I do my best to retrain my thought process and responses. There will always be those who judge me unfairly with some sort of pre-conceived personal condemnation and believe in sinister intentions instead of simple social clumsiness. There will always be those who magnify every minor error as if it is a criminal act, refuse to see both sides, and enjoy criticizing and condemning for any fault when they find it, and are always on the lookout for it, too. Everyone has people like that in their lives. Until such people look closely at their own thought processes or actions, that doesn't change. Some do it out of jealousy, but it's hard to say why people act the way they do and they will not change until they change on their own, if they do.

    Like me, like us.

    Not my problem. My problem is only re-training and re-interpreting my own responses. Those moments of ennui pass, and socially, I don't feel compelled anymore to take every disagreement or criticism on so deeply that it wrecks my sense of balance. Some folks are just wrong, that's all. And when they're right, I'll address it my way, in my own time as I choose, if I choose. Like Scooter said, too often we just keep listening when we should walk away (or even roll your eyes, lol!)
  15. Lurker5

    Lurker5 Gold Meritorious Patron

    Re: Shuddering and needing to sleep

    I am in tears :bigcry:. :hug:
  16. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    Beautiful post, Scooter.

    Bold mine.

    This is huge, I never thought of it that way before. There is one thing that makes us exceptionally different and unique in a way that others CAN appreciate, and that is that we don't live so fast.

    It's all so special now: every summer day, every lizard skittering across the sidewalk, every leaping deer (or 'roo), every snowfall, every conversation, every trip to the grocery store with all the choices available, every planted flower that blooms, every butterfly.

    Those who didn't gp through hell and back to regain a life don't have the same wonder, the same enjoyment of each moment and every little thing that we had to go without for so long.

    But they love us for it, you know. It's a gift we can share that others hold dear - and it's a big one.

  17. Free Being Me

    Free Being Me Crusader

    Your post states precisely why IMO ESMB is a valuable community. :yes:
  18. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    Re: Justice and accountability issues


    Yeah all we can really control is our integration back into the world and our own responses.

    There seems to be some moments in life which are good to inspect deeper. I think the older I get the easier it becomes to isolate those moments and to simply flick over other moments which possibly do not contain much useful stuff.

    I was down the beach at dawn a couple of weeks ago. I had literally just nipped out to get some milk and ended up driving to the beach as the sun rose. Fascinating stuff because on my left was the glorious colours of the rising sun. On my right was the deep blues of the night, with a full moon sitting in the sky. I was in the middle between night and day sort of thing. Look left and the energy is rising with a new day, look right and the night was just sitting there with the moon.

    Which way to look? Be greedy and want it all? How could I experience it all without lessening the beauty of one or the other? It got really simple when I just stood there and stopped trying to control the moment or trying to experience it all. So much of life seems to be just about letting go. It's not that I didn't care, I really did because the beauty of both a sunrise and the full moon in the night sky was so intense. The lighting was beyond sublime. I was caught in the middle of something powerful.

    I ended up just standing there, saying thank you. Gratitude without thought, without trying to work it all out. Without control. It's hard to describe moments like these. They change everything, put things into perspective in ways far beyond any words humans can use. I so don't think this makes sense. I will post it anyway. :)
  19. Glenda

    Glenda Gold Meritorious Patron

    True and lovely. One of things I did when I was doing the "big work" was chant "slow it down". Scientologists are trained to do everything fast, fast, fast. Speed of particle flow determines power, blah, blah, blah.

    My thoughts were fast. I moved fast. A person can never get a strong sense of themselves when they are being driven (externally and internally) to bluster through everything at break-neck speeds. You don't notice the world when you are on turbo-charged speeds.

    So I slowed everything down. Deliberately. It was very interesting in the beginning. I had been trained by scientology to go, go, go. I had no idea I was processing thoughts at the speed of a person on amphetamines. I had no idea how to just amble through a day. How to slowly unload a dishwasher and enjoy that moment for exactly what it was. I did everything as merely something to get to the other side of so that the underlying "save the world" concepts could be attained.

    Even now, from time to time, I deliberately slow things down just to keep myself connected to the simplicity and enjoyment of every moment.

    There's a lot of stuff scientology insists upon. We take it up and give it no serious thought. Racing through life, to help save the world, roaring through thoughts without ever considering what they actually contain, is heavily installed into scientologists. A really good way to grab the power and control over an individual is to rev them up with go, go, go. Don't give them any time to reflect or to experience a sense of themselves in each moment. Wind them up like a tightly-wound bunch of rubber bands. Hit them with barrages of wordy stuff and insist they perform better and better with each new day. Make them do more every day.

    Put it this way: did anyone formerly in scientology ever hear anyone say "just take your time"? I sure as hell never did.
  20. JustSheila

    JustSheila Crusader

    Re: Justice and accountability issues

    There aren't many places in the world with a stunning dual view like that, Glenda, and not every day, either. I couldn't get a photo of it, but luckly, I managed a sneak shot of you while you were watching:



    What I find so special about your style of writing (as well as my son's) is the way you capture a moment and that moment becomes a completed mosaic. It's as if you freeze time and do a frame-by-frame sculpture, both inside and out.

    "The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination." - Albert Einstein