Glenda, I'm so glad you started this thread and you're writing like the wind again and enjoying yourself.
Of course, I have my selfish reasons for being happy you started this... you write SO WELL and I love curling up to read your latest work!
YES! . . . That part I coloured red, Glenda . . . you are absolutely correct.
And the way I had to handle "the Scientology program" was to address each concept I'd bought and to then simply spot/recognize the falsehoods attached and laid in with each of its (Hubbard's) propositions, meaning, definitions.
What I found Hubbard did was to alter the meanings of actualities . . . and that, to me was the entrapping part.
As a simple example (so as not to stir anyone up) take his stupid, evil and entrapping AXIOM ONE: "Life is basically a static" . . . .
In actuality, life is anything but a "static" . . . any good civilized dictionary with kill that idea. And as a result of this idiocy, I recall folks actually coming to believe they were some sort of a "living nothingness"!!!
Alan got it right when he addressed this shit. He rewrote the Axiom to say: "The source of life is a static . . . "
I have posted elsewhere on ESMB his "New Axiom One" (to which I also contributed the notion that the "static" has infinite potential to add to his other listed characteristics).
Thus, for me, I was able to undo the Scientology mind bend by spotting each of the falsities, each of the altered and incorrect notions Hubbard proposed as the truth we had to adhere to in the place of the actualities of real life.
Rog
There is so much mental illness, anxiety and depression in today's world, such despair, trauma, mistreatment, stupidity, sadness, idiocy and greed ... that it would surprise me more if someone announced that they were not feeling it or that they were totally happy and content.
I think as we get older (perhaps I should add as long as drugs or illness are not clouding thought) a clarity arrives in stages and, as lovely as that is, it also scares me a bit (lol) as I have always suspected that when a person finally "get's it" (life, the reason for being here, why certain things happened as they did) they will probably drop down dead 2 seconds later.
So ... I'm enjoying the little things daily and allowing myself to float above a lot of the trauma that is occurring all around me in the world because I know that even though I have made many mistakes, this is my life ... these are the cards I was dealt and looking back and delving too deeply into why I joined a cult (as well as all the other things I did that were ridiculous!) will probably send me over the edge into madness ... so, most days I choose not to go there. I long ago decided to box it up (while still owning it) warts and all and enjoy what I have done right instead ... because I did do a lot right and hopefully will continue to.
One thing I have no doubt about is how lucky we are to have this place (ESMB) because when we are talking to each other (or just posting to the world at large) there is always a basic understanding between us regarding the cult and it's many and various mental traps and even though we each experienced it slightly differently I believe that knowing you are understood is vitally important to overall mental health.
We have a fantastic community here and (at the risk of sounding maudlin) it was you wonderful, generous people who probably saved my sanity when I had nowhere else to go to be heard and understood and I will never forget that.
I dread seeing a vulnerable, fully exposed soul being pushed further into sadness (or worse) by possible misunderstandings or assumptions made by responding posters on a message board (any message board) ... because (most of us) can do nothing at all (via our computer screens) except watch, perhaps mumble/type a few heartfelt platitudes and hope the already traumatised writer is not being further hurt when he or she suddenly goes quiet.
It's an area that I have mixed feeling about ... because we won't all always respond "correctly" but yes, of course I agree that we each deal with our issues in our own way and I do respect that and overall I suspect that for many people writing about these things does more good than harm.
I agree with you in a general sense about reactions which is why we should be caring towards newbies. Goodness knows I had my nose put out of joint enough on the emotional front, yet that is also part of the journey. I have never regretted for a minute posting my story in 2009, only that it didn't have enough details. The writing changed my life in so many ways and I may do it again with that included some time, in fact I know I will.I dread seeing a vulnerable, fully exposed soul being pushed further into sadness (or worse) by possible misunderstandings or assumptions made by responding posters on a message board (any message board) ... because (most of us) can do nothing at all (via our computer screens) except watch, perhaps mumble/type a few heartfelt platitudes and hope the already traumatised writer is not being further hurt when he or she suddenly goes quiet.
It's an area that I have mixed feeling about ... because we won't all always respond "correctly" but yes, of course I agree that we each deal with our issues in our own way and I do respect that and overall I suspect that for many people writing about these things does more good than harm.
The thing that is so valuable about stories and thoughts on ESMB is that there is such a variety, and it's more than possible that one or the other will resonate with someone who is isolated and lurking. And that brings about that amazing feeling that changed so many of us - "I'm not alone".
Thanks for digging into that moment, into all those moments when there is that individual isolation from the rest of the world that we feel as exes. 
But the subject itself was too sensitive to take up with her while she was in such an emotional state. I could only listen to her odd analysis, a false concept of my intentions and desires borne out of her mind when we were just children. One brother saw both sides immediately and thankfully intervened.Then my sister remembered her own daughter, who was so much like me growing up and said, "I guess all kids are different and need different things." It was a big insight on her part. Thank goodness for my niece's personality and the challenges my sister had to overcome to understand her.
Thank you for your brave and insightful words, my friend. That we can see a world that few others can't (because they take it for granted) is to me the pay-off for those wasted years inside our own prisons of belief (as Larry Wright so wonderfully put it.)
The sun shines and people laugh and cry and live and we can be a part of it at least and know what it was we had missed out on. For me, I have to keep reminding myself that I have a great life now and that there are a lot of peeps in this world who are in a lot worse shape in every way.
The depression, the suicidal thoughts and all the rest of the crap that comes from really exiting a cult are hard to struggle with - I know this from deep personal experience.
But the pure emotional response I feel listening to a bird sing or some good music is worth the price I've paid. To choke up over my son's soccer game or a well-written story is the result of a lot of hard work.
Thanks again for putting it into perspective for me.
Your post states precisely why IMO ESMB is a valuable community.What people need is to know someone understands. And if it's platitudes with genuine concern, then so be it.
Yeh! All the selfies, the photo shares, the constant personal bragging about trips, money, careers and personal popularity all over social media, it's like the self-centered 80s all over again. Look at me, look at me, as I shake my little tush on the catwalk!
[video=youtube;P5mtclwloEQ]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5mtclwloEQ[/video]
Oh yeh, Glenda, I can relate.
When I dug into that moment, it was at a family celebration. There everyone was, sharing something that happened that was meaningful and precious between them, and I hadn't been there. I hadn't known, hadn't shared, hadn't grieved, hadn't experienced it. I grappled with the anxiety, the loneliness of it, the lost years, the lost affection, the lost experiences. I wasn't sure what to say, so I said the only thing that was honest. I told my family I wished I had been there and I was so sorry I hadn't been there for them and how deeply I regretted those lost years.
One sister lashed out at me. She had the same misunderstanding about me that she'd held all her life. She didn't see Scientology had interfered, no, she had an entirely different scenario in her head - and it was wrong. It had always been wrong.
When I took apart that moment for myself and that instant feeling of isolation, separateness and despair, so similar to what you experienced, I saw that Scientology had not only made me reinterpret those moments of ennui, it caused those moments to pierce any sense of self-worth far more deeply than any normal person. If I am an SP, I lose my eternity, I am nothing, that sort of thing.
Before Scientology, I had a full bag of social and mental tricks for dealing with unpleasantness in conversation: daydreaming, half-listening, walking away, rolling my eyes, yelling back. After Scientology, I had only one: separating myself, isolating myself and thinking of myself as apart and different - and loathing myself for it.
These days, if I have a moment of ennui, I do my best to retrain my thought process and responses. There will always be those who judge me unfairly with some sort of pre-conceived personal condemnation and believe in sinister intentions instead of simple social clumsiness. There will always be those who magnify every minor error as if it is a criminal act, refuse to see both sides, and enjoy criticizing and condemning for any fault when they find it, and are always on the lookout for it, too. Everyone has people like that in their lives. Until such people look closely at their own thought processes or actions, that doesn't change. Some do it out of jealousy, but it's hard to say why people act the way they do and they will not change until they change on their own, if they do.
Like me, like us.
Not my problem. My problem is only re-training and re-interpreting my own responses. Those moments of ennui pass, and socially, I don't feel compelled anymore to take every disagreement or criticism on so deeply that it wrecks my sense of balance. Some folks are just wrong, that's all. And when they're right, I'll address it my way, in my own time as I choose, if I choose. Like Scooter said, too often we just keep listening when we should walk away (or even roll your eyes, lol!)
Beautiful post, Scooter.
Bold mine.
This is huge, I never thought of it that way before. There is one thing that makes us exceptionally different and unique in a way that others CAN appreciate, and that is that we don't live so fast.
It's all so special now: every summer day, every lizard skittering across the sidewalk, every leaping deer (or 'roo), every snowfall, every conversation, every trip to the grocery store with all the choices available, every planted flower that blooms, every butterfly.
Those who didn't gp through hell and back to regain a life don't have the same wonder, the same enjoyment of each moment and every little thing that we had to go without for so long.
But they love us for it, you know. It's a gift we can share that others hold dear - and it's a big one.
Yeah all we can really control is our integration back into the world and our own responses.
There seems to be some moments in life which are good to inspect deeper. I think the older I get the easier it becomes to isolate those moments and to simply flick over other moments which possibly do not contain much useful stuff.
I was down the beach at dawn a couple of weeks ago. I had literally just nipped out to get some milk and ended up driving to the beach as the sun rose. Fascinating stuff because on my left was the glorious colours of the rising sun. On my right was the deep blues of the night, with a full moon sitting in the sky. I was in the middle between night and day sort of thing. Look left and the energy is rising with a new day, look right and the night was just sitting there with the moon.
Which way to look? Be greedy and want it all? How could I experience it all without lessening the beauty of one or the other? It got really simple when I just stood there and stopped trying to control the moment or trying to experience it all. So much of life seems to be just about letting go. It's not that I didn't care, I really did because the beauty of both a sunrise and the full moon in the night sky was so intense. The lighting was beyond sublime. I was caught in the middle of something powerful.
I ended up just standing there, saying thank you. Gratitude without thought, without trying to work it all out. Without control. It's hard to describe moments like these. They change everything, put things into perspective in ways far beyond any words humans can use. I so don't think this makes sense. I will post it anyway.
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