Born Again Wog

MrNobody

Who needs merits?
i dont think you are heartless. the very last time my mother tried to hit me, she came at me with a broom and i made the same kinda decision. in a millisecond, i shot my arm out and grabbed the broom and knocked her legs out from under her. i took the broom with me upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom (she had taken the door off my bedroom so i couldn't do that). the very next day, my dad came and got me.

:) So you were finally out of that hell... how long did it take to end up in the cult, if I may ask?

<snip>
i hope when i have children that i will have the capacity to love them as much as possible. i am no longer angry about what i went through, though i was for many, many years. i have learned that living my life now as best i can is more important. i'm glad you're interested in reading more :)

Oh, I'm sure you have the capacity. I never was an abusive boyfriend, husband, father or whatever. I also never did beat my dogs, when I could still have dogs. :D And I love my child, which BTW might be just a tad younger than you, more than anything else. So I don't see why you shouldn't have the same capacity. :) Just make sure you find a good husband/father for your future child(ren). :thumbsup:

more to come!
:wiggle:

I'm looking forward to it.
 

Sai Ninja 2000

Patron with Honors
Part 2

So, I was sitting in (what I know now to be) the reg area, talking to a guy telling me about this booklet called “all about drugs”. He was telling me how it can effect me spiritually and how I wouldn’t be able to get any better if I continued. I thought it was a load of shit, to be quite honest. (As a sidenote here, interestingly enough, I had planned on becoming a psychologist after highschool. :lol: ) I argued with him about everything. I stood by my statement that there was no possibility of a god, and we’re not spirits or souls and that when we die that’s it and that he was nuts. Then he showed me an e-meter and did the whole cat mental image picture thing and the pinch test. I have to admit that he got me thinking. I’ve never been one to back down, but after all the years of questioning my existence, it seemed that something existed that could actually PROVE the existence of something… better. Here was something I could see with my own eyes. Eventually I agreed to start a course. I was on course every weekend at the mission, doing a lot of the basic courses.

After a while, I started doing courses at the org, and stopped smoking weed completely. I was 18, just out of a long relationship that didn’t end very well, and looking for help. A short while after that, I met this guy, we’ll call him Darren. He was sweet, and caring, and he was there for me. He was not a Scientologist, in fact, had never heard of it, and I bought Dianetics for him. He never read it, but it didn’t really matter to me. For a while, things were good. Just before my 19th birthday, we moved out to the wife’s house (my father’s 2D, the scientologist). I was not happy at all. She ran her house like an org, with cleaning stations and condition assignments. It was farther from Darren, and I couldn’t see him as often. Being away from each other took a toll on the relationship. He began saying things that would subtly hurt my feelings, justifying it later. He began to become hard to get in touch with. I felt that I was losing him, and I blamed the wife for it, I felt like she had stolen my father. If it wasn’t for her, I thought, I’d be happy.

When they (my dad and the wife) went on vacation that year, I did something really stupid. I can’t really say what happened at this time, but I was kicked out of the house when they returned, after refusing to do condition write ups for her. So I moved in with Darren.

Shortly after moving in, Darren became a different person. He was getting angry at the slightest thing, becoming violent and mean. Then I found out I was pregnant, and he called me a slut for it, saying that I was fat and that I’d be a horrible mother. It was just awful. I couldn’t get in touch with my father, they’d cut the comm line. I’d stopped going on course too and I was working two jobs. Darren had lost his job and hadn’t found another. He would take the money I made (I was waitressing) at the end of each night. Things were very bad, I started thinking about suicide again. But the life growing inside of me kept me from going through with it. I wanted to die so badly, and couldn’t. I was so frustrated and angry and sad. We were starving too, no money to eat – I don’t know what he did with the money, he’d just slap me if I asked. I went to bed in such pain from being hungry. So I started hiding money before I got home.

There’s just so much about this part of my life, its hard for me to write it out this way. It’s a huge part of why I made the decisions I did when it came to Scientology, in the end.

One night, he beat me so hard I ran. It must have been 3 or 4 in the morning, and I called my dad from a payphone, leaving him a crazy message. After about an hour, I went back to the house, and Darren apologized, saying he would never do that again. The next morning, my father showed up with an aluminum bat. Stupidly, I told him everything was fine. I didn’t want to admit to him that I’d fucked up and was failing at life.

Eventually though, it got to be too much, and I called my dad again, and met with him. I told him everything. He called the wife, and told her the situation. I don’t know what she said to him but the next thing that happened was my dad was setting up an appointment at planned parenthood for an abortion. I went along with it, because at the time I felt I couldn’t bring a child into the world with that kind of a father. I couldn’t bear the thought of being connected to Darren for the rest of my life.

A lot happened after that. Darren and I got evicted from our apartment in the dead of winter. I spent 2 months sleeping on the street. I was surprised to find that people were actually very generous, and I was always able to get something to eat. Finally I was able to find a place to crash with an acquaintance. It turned out to be a very bad situation, but I was able to get a job and save some money for my own room to rent. I was back in comm with my dad and he insisted that I go back on course, which I did. :duh: At one point, I joined staff, but it was very disorganized. I was an expeditor for ages, only ever writing letters and I didn’t like having my time taken up that way, so I left. I had never done any of the staff statuses and no one ever said anything to me about it. I was still doing courses, mostly basic courses and some life repair, which I thought didn’t go very well. I didn’t feel like I’d gotten the wins that everyone else was talking about from auditing. So I just said forget it and started a major course – PTS/SP.

A couple years later, when the Basics came out, I started doing the book courses. At the time, things were going pretty well for me. I had a job, money, and was doing well in life. Of course I attributed it to what I was doing in Scientology because that’s what everyone who noticed mentioned to me. I didn’t think anything of it. I felt I was doing the right thing and seeing improvement in my life only reinforced that idea. :no:

I joined staff again, and this time went through all the proper steps. The org had gone SH size since I was last on staff and things were much smoother. I was actually having a good time and made a lot of friends. Slowly, though I didn’t really realize it at the time, I was losing touch with my “wog” friends. Eventually, the only people I knew were other Scientology staff and public. :unsure:
 
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Operating DB

Truman Show Dropout
And the plot thickens. Dear god, Still in. You are one hell of a survivor! Looking forward to your next installment.
 

dontscamme

Patron Meritorious
Wow, Still In, it is hard for me to imagine what you have already endured in your young life. Cruelty to women and children (and animals as well) is something I have very rarely seen and don't really understand.

Life can be fraught with difficulties and problems for many of us, but you have encountered way more than your fair share so far. I hope you have an extra bright and happy future to make up for this. :yes:
 

Sai Ninja 2000

Patron with Honors
:) So you were finally out of that hell... how long did it take to end up in the cult, if I may ask?

hmm.. must have been a few months after moving in with my dad that i was introduced to it. i remember meeting the wife (then girlfriend) and telling her how i wanted to be a psychologist and how much she flipped out. LOL
 

Enthetan

Master of Disaster
I joined staff again, and this time went through all the proper steps. The org had gone SH size since I was last on staff and things were much smoother. I was actually having a good time and made a lot of friends. Slowly, though I didn’t really realize it at the time, I was losing touch with my “wog” friends. Eventually, the only people I knew were other Scientology staff and public. :unsure:

This is very deliberate. By the combination of trying to make you put every waking hour in the org (where the only people you see are Scns) and wanting you to disseminate to everybody you know (ensuring that you blow off any friends who are uninterested in Scn), eventually you wind up with no place to go if you decide to leave Scientology.
 

Sai Ninja 2000

Patron with Honors
Part 3

I was encouraged to quit waitressing, as the schedule didn’t allow for me to be full time on staff and so I did. I found it difficult to find work during the day though, as I had no experience doing anything else. Often times I lived on staff pay only, which was always very low, about an average of $50 a week. I would stay with other staff members when I couldn’t afford a place of my own. Things got very rough very shortly, but I was always told “well, we just have to get your pts-ness handled” or “you need to apply the conditions to your dynamics” or “you have to get ethics in on your life”. “Just make it go right.” I would cyclically blow for a few days, and get pulled back to post every few months.

This just wasn’t what I had expected. Things changed almost immediately after joining staff but I was convinced by others that it was something that I was doing wrong, not because I joined staff. I learned quickly that voicing the opinion that maybe I needed to leave staff was a very dangerous thing. I was not happy.

To list all the things I wasn’t happy with would take forever. It was mostly a lot of little things that added up to a situation I didn’t want to be in. I felt a lot of the times that my concerns about my “first dynamic” (self) were ignored as petty and told that the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics was to continue on staff. I just didn’t feel that way, but I couldn’t say so. I couldn’t say how I thought it was all bullshit – saving the planet this lifetime. If they hadn’t done it in 50 years, what the hell made them think I would believe we’d do it in the next 20? Nothing was changing. Life on planet earth was getting WORSE, not BETTER!! And my own personal life was also suffering. It didn’t make sense.

2 years later, after much effort and justice actions, I’d had enough. I was comm ev’d for some reason unknown to me, and made to sit in a room with 4 other people who interrogated me about my most personal details. It was absolutely degrading. This was not what I’d signed on for. One of the things that came up in the comm ev was a relationship I’d had earlier that year. The reason it was on the comm ev? Because he was a WOG. Really???? That just didn’t make sense to me. What also happened was that I’d gotten pregnant and had planned to keep the child. Until I was forced to sit in a room with two execs who proceeded to yell at me and tell me how awful I was for sleeping with him and what a whore I was for getting pregnant. WHAT!?!?!? This went on for 2 hours until I was so broken I agreed to have an abortion. That was the last straw for me.

On post one night, I was searching the internet for an image of the latest DVD release and I stumbled onto a forum where the image was posted. I didn’t immediately see the name of the site, and when I read the replies to the post, it seemed like it was a Scientology site where Scientologists talked about different things. I soon realized that it was actually a site for ex-scientologists. That’s when the shock kicked in. I was actually extremely surprised that these people were so intelligent. These weren’t the criminals and DBs that the church had always said they were. These were human beings with incredibly sharp minds and big hearts who had disagreed with the way things were going on in the church. That site was ESMB.

I lurked for a while, becoming obsessed with reading people’s stories of when they were in and how they got out and what they went through. It was just unbelievable. I think the first story I read was bea kiddo’s, and wow. I stayed up for 3 days straight (no joke!!) and read everything I came across. It was over a weekend and I was on post, but I couldn’t concentrate. Everything people said around me took on a new meaning. I went up to an unused course room and read more on my phone. I read on the ride to and from the org daily, I read in the auditorium before muster, I read on my phone in my office, I would come home and stay up all night reading. It really was an obsession. I was getting a point of view never before allowed to me.

Finally, I signed up and made my first post. That was November 15th, 2009. The responses I received were so much more than I’d expected. I honestly didn’t expect to get noticed on the board. I felt like somewhat of an interloper, being “still in”. In the beginning I felt like I didn’t belong here and that I’d get criticism for it. But I was very pleasantly surprised. I started checkin out the chatbox, and after a few nights, I started to recognize the usual suspects :) I got a lot of advice about how to get out.

In the beginning, the only thing I could think about was how was I going to survive another 3 years that were left on my contract. Then I figured, if I got busy enough, I could request an LOA and just not go back. Then, I started talking to Frankie, Thetanic and He-man on aim, what a group! I felt we had the perfect mix of voices – an exSO, an ex staff and a wog. And me. These guys helped me in ways I cant even begin to list here. The more I talked and listened to them, the more absurd the idea of waiting around became. Over the following few weeks, my whole outlook changed. The way I perceived things and thought changed so much. They can attest to that. The things people at the org were saying started to sound ridiculous and “The Bridge” was a joke to me. I stopped caring about my post. Why should I?!? When my senior asked me the status of something I was working on, I said, “I dunno” and shrugged my shoulders. When asked if I could read a program or do a target, I said “maybe”. When SO or CMO members gave me orders, I said, “I’ll consider it.” That lasted for one night… I didn’t show up again after that. The first day I got quite a few calls and text messages. And then they stopped. After the first day or so of catching up on sleep and relaxing, I started doing things. I went out and took photos, I did all the incomplete errands that’d gotten left behind, I went to see my family that I never got to see cuz I was always on post, I got my driving permit (never needed it before!) and it was just such an amazing feeling. For the first time in my adult life I was able to make choices and decisions that were solely based on my own whims and desires.

How could I go back to slavery after such freedom? I couldn’t. Finally, I got in comm with HCO and when asked if I was coming back I just said no, that I’d like to start the leaving staff routing form. That may not seem like a huge thing to you guys but that was a huge step for me. The threat of being declared and losing my family was a big problem for me. In the end, I couldn’t continue living a lie as a staff member. It was just so against my integrity. And for the first time, I was in control.

This was only the beginning. The worst was yet to come.
 
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dontscamme

Patron Meritorious
Still In, I have followed your story since your first post here, and it is astounding to me how much has happened in 5 short weeks.

Making such a drastic change in your life is challenging and scary and a lot of other things, but I believe you can handle it. Ultimately, it is your life, and you have made a brave decision to live it as you think best, which is the only way to go, IMO.

:thumbsup:
 

Sai Ninja 2000

Patron with Honors
not done yet

thanks guys :) unfortunately there's more caca that happened after.. that will be coming shortly as soon as i can put it together coherently. thank you for reading and keeping up with me. it means a lot to me to be able to put this here.

:bighug:
 
G

Gottabrain

Guest
Dearest StillIn,

Your life story and mine have a lot of parallels. I hope with this post to gently offer you a few concepts to help you through and set your mind and spirit at ease. You are also welcome to PM me.

Still In, God has more than one face (aspect). You would not see His face of compassion in those void of spirit in their lives. But you have seen it here. You began to see him when you began looking elsewhere.

Sometimes we are too deeply into something that is non-God to perceive him and put obstacles between that relationship.

I have a little project for you to do to help you get centered again. I want you to find pictures and mementos through your life of times you were happy, joyous, felt free and were having fun.

That is who you are, darl'. That is you.

When you rediscover yourself, you will find God again.

Much Love, Life, Happiness and Joy to you, as your new life begins. Have the merriest Christmas ever.

X X X X X X X X
O O O O O O O
 

MrNobody

Who needs merits?
thanks guys :) unfortunately there's more caca that happened after.. that will be coming shortly as soon as i can put it together coherently. thank you for reading and keeping up with me. it means a lot to me to be able to put this here.

:bighug:

That's what I expected, and I'm sure there's more to come. They are not really known for letting their former members off the hook that easily. :) However, whatever there is to come, it'll be easier to deal with from the outside and here on ESMB are many helpful people. Jus' keep us posted, OK?
 

Sai Ninja 2000

Patron with Honors
That's what I expected, and I'm sure there's more to come. They are not really known for letting their former members off the hook that easily. :) However, whatever there is to come, it'll be easier to deal with from the outside and here on ESMB are many helpful people. Jus' keep us posted, OK?

i will :wiggle:

:)
 

Enthetan

Master of Disaster
To list all the things I wasn’t happy with would take forever. It was mostly a lot of little things that added up to a situation I didn’t want to be in. I felt a lot of the times that my concerns about my “first dynamic” (self) were ignored as petty and told that the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics was to continue on staff. I just didn’t feel that way, but I couldn’t say so. I couldn’t say how I thought it was all bullshit – saving the planet this lifetime. If they hadn’t done it in 50 years, what the hell made them think I would believe we’d do it in the next 20? Nothing was changing. Life on planet earth was getting WORSE, not BETTER!! And my own personal life was also suffering. It didn’t make sense.

The bit about "The greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics", as used by some staff, is such a crock. It's squirrel too. Take a look at the original Dianetics book (hopefully it hasn't been edited out by DM) and take a look at the chapter "The Four Dynamics", where LRH defines "the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics".

A course of action that suppresses your First and Second dynamics for the benefit of your Third is NOT "the greatest good for the greatest number of YOUR dynamics". Something that is "the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics" should be something that benefits YOU on the First and Second dynamics PLUS is of some benefit on other dynamics.

Or, as a friend of mine once observed, "I operate on the greatest good for the greatest number of MY [beats chest repeatedly] dynamics"
 

Sai Ninja 2000

Patron with Honors
The bit about "The greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics", as used by some staff, is such a crock. It's squirrel too. Take a look at the original Dianetics book (hopefully it hasn't been edited out by DM) and take a look at the chapter "The Four Dynamics", where LRH defines "the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics".

A course of action that suppresses your First and Second dynamics for the benefit of your Third is NOT "the greatest good for the greatest number of YOUR dynamics". Something that is "the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics" should be something that benefits YOU on the First and Second dynamics PLUS is of some benefit on other dynamics.

Or, as a friend of mine once observed, "I operate on the greatest good for the greatest number of MY [beats chest repeatedly] dynamics"

that is a really great thing you pointed out and i'm glad you mentioned this to me. (i didn't know that previously!)
 

Gloria Manchenburg

Patron with Honors
The bit about "The greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics", as used by some staff, is such a crock. It's squirrel too. Take a look at the original Dianetics book (hopefully it hasn't been edited out by DM) and take a look at the chapter "The Four Dynamics", where LRH defines "the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics".

A course of action that suppresses your First and Second dynamics for the benefit of your Third is NOT "the greatest good for the greatest number of YOUR dynamics". Something that is "the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics" should be something that benefits YOU on the First and Second dynamics PLUS is of some benefit on other dynamics.

Or, as a friend of mine once observed, "I operate on the greatest good for the greatest number of MY [beats chest repeatedly] dynamics"

I always liked "Purpose before policy".
 
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