i dont think you are heartless. the very last time my mother tried to hit me, she came at me with a broom and i made the same kinda decision. in a millisecond, i shot my arm out and grabbed the broom and knocked her legs out from under her. i took the broom with me upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom (she had taken the door off my bedroom so i couldn't do that). the very next day, my dad came and got me.
So you were finally out of that hell... how long did it take to end up in the cult, if I may ask?
i hope when i have children that i will have the capacity to love them as much as possible. i am no longer angry about what i went through, though i was for many, many years. i have learned that living my life now as best i can is more important. i'm glad you're interested in reading more
Oh, I'm sure you have the capacity. I never was an abusive boyfriend, husband, father or whatever. I also never did beat my dogs, when I could still have dogs. And I love my child, which BTW might be just a tad younger than you, more than anything else. So I don't see why you shouldn't have the same capacity. Just make sure you find a good husband/father for your future child(ren).
more to come!
I'm looking forward to it.