For My Son......

[clamicide]

I'm sitting here watching a Sox game and your brother is sleeping next to me. We stayed up late into the wee hours of the night just hanging out and enjoying each others' company. Just another day of life's simple pleasures. You're not here.

I opened up this message board to try to continue writing my story. I've had a hard time writing it lately--I've been distracted. Your shadow is hanging over me. You are waiting to be posted. You might go to Gold. I've seen the spiked fence and I wonder if you will be one more soul trapped behind it. I want to warn you, I want to beg for your forgiveness for birthing you into this evil cult, but you don't talk to me. I want to be able to reach out and grab you--talk to the little boy I once knew. I can't-- in your eyes, I am a DB.

As I write my story, I feel my identity will come to light. I wonder if it will cause you problems. I struggle with what is right and how to handle it. I'm tired of the cult ruling my actions. It's taken me so long to struggle to be free.

I thought I had more time. Time to get my life together, but the cult is desperate and they brought you back into the ranks of the elite. All you know of me is everything I 'pulled in' since I left the cult. I fulfilled all of their worst prophecies. I hadn't woken up, yet. I still believed myself to be everything they had indoctrinated me to be. I believed that falling from grace in their eyes meant I was worthless...I became worthless.

It's different now. I'm still struggling, but I'm starting to see the light. The hell I've been through on the 'outside' that makes others shudder just doesn't mean much compared to the spiritual hell I've been through and the pain of losing a son. I remember a phone call we had--both of us in so much pain, me because I was just starting to learn the truth and wished I knew how to open your eyes. You, because you were afraid for my eternity and didn't know how to bring me back into the fold. My heart is breaking as I write this.

Know that I love you. Know that I wish I could go back and change it all. I wish that you could feel what I'm feeling and mostly I wish someday you will be blessed with the truth. I want you to be able to watch a ball game, laugh at something silly, stay up all night for FUN and then sleep in....there are a billion little amazing things that I wish for you that I now experience that you do not. They aren't off-purpose, they are part of the beauty that is truly life, and real freedom. I do have hope someday that you will be out. I hope someday, you will be able to read this. I miss you, and I am sorry.

 

[Zinjifar]

Thanks clammy. Good luck.

Zinj

 

[Wisened One]

 

[Telepathetic]

I know how you feel.

My very best wishes to you.

TP

 

[Tiger Lily]

Clamicide this is heart-wrenching. I have a son -- I can't imagine what this must be like for you. It breaks my heart -- your story and so many others like it. You expressed it very well, I could feel that pain through your words as if you were sitting in front of me.

-TL

 

[byte301]

This hurts. I know that one day you will be reconciled with your son.

 

[Good twin]

Ouch, Clammy.

 

[Zinjifar]

when the 'Church' is gone, and, it will be gone, all of this will end.

Zinj

 

[therealme]

I can't imagine feeling the way that you feel right now.

 

[Carmel]

Know that we hear ya, we're sorry, and that we're with ya.

We're truckin' for the both of you, matey. Hang in there. Things are changing, there will be a resolve.

 

[fogfreetimes2]

Tears

I can't begin to imagine the pain you are going through right now. Your struggle has been long but I can tell you have made alot of progress and for this I am glad. No parent should have to experience the loss of a child no matter what the reason is. I love you my friend, you know where to find me, always here for you.

 

[rich]

 

[clamicide]

Thanks for the kind words from everybody. I had absolutely no plans to post that...it just sort of overtook me in the moment and the next thing I knew I was just throwing my feelings out there. Some days just kinda suck. I feel much better already, and even that sometimes is weird, because I don't know if he's suffering while I'm having a great day. It's an odd existence and it's nothing that I've ever been able to discuss with folks out here in the 'outside' world. Ya know?

In breaking free and coming into my own, I've been led to wonder if steps I take toward my own sanity will lead to punishment for him. I did find out that he had received grief in the past from the cult for things I've done. Well, I guess that's one good thing about disconnection...perhaps they'll let him be. ugh. what a bitch of a cult, eh?

Thanks again, everybody.

 

[dchoiceisalwaysrs]

Thank you for bursting out Clamicide

Unfortunately, I also know too well, the discord that can come from being involved with that monster. I too hope for the day, when my son and I can communicate again. It is very hard to bear, but I trust that in time, all will be repaired and regained for us and our sons. Be strong for when your son returns

Keep reaching out, and always hold the love.

We have a wonderful community here, they lend their strength to us..

All the best for you and your son.

 

[clamicide]

Thank you for bursting out Clamicide

Unfortunately, I also know too well, the discord that can come from being involved with that monster. I too hope for the day, when my son and I can communicate again. It is very hard to bear, but I trust that in time, all will be repaired and regained for us and our sons. Be strong for when your son returns

Keep reaching out, and always hold the love.

We have a wonderful community here, they lend their strength to us..

All the best for you and your son.

*sigh* I don't have the right words....you and your son are in my thoughts.

 

[xseaorguk]

I also have a son still 'in', who I cannot reach.
I also feel guilty for having caused the whole $cientology episode, but its too late for that, he is 'in' and I'm out.
Will he ever get to see the world we see, or continue to perceive it thru Hubbardian eyes.
I'm also a degraded being in their eyes, like you mentioend too.

It all sounds so familiar.
This madness must stop....

 

[fogfreetimes2]

I wish I knew...

I wish I knew what to do to help you at this time, I wish I knew how to take the pain away, I wish I knew the right words to say, I wish I knew........

 

[Voltaire's Child]

Very moving post. My heart goes out to you.

 

[justaguy]

 

[HolyCow]

Well, the good news is: "disconnection" is just one more pretend, made up concept. Your son is still connected, and always will be. It's just that he's not speaking to you at the moment, and lots of family members aren't speaking to each other. He is most likely thinking about you as much as you are, and probably at the same time!

From all I've heard and read about at this point, he will be able to realize what's going on before long. And I'll bet you taught him a lot that he still knows, deep down, is true. You got out because of those very things, and he will too.

In the meantime, to handle all the other things that are grieving or paining you, just a thought: Next Sox game, and other fun or even routine stuff, take pictures or video's, notes, and save it for him for later when you get back together. That way you will know in the moment that you Will be sharing it with him, just later.

Also, now this may sound silly because it is, you might even try this: I'm currently working with a company to get one of those life size cardboard (or foamboard) cutouts, they make it with a photo. Actually called lifesizecustomcutouts. Have one made from a picture of your son and stand it at the end of your couch while watching the game. Hey, it would make those video's even more fun later on when you watch it with him, munching over hills of popcorn, of course.

Just a thought.