hi all!
just want to say thanks again to all who have looked in and left a response! And also to what a GREAT rescource this is! I think we are all blessed that esmb exists!
anyway, onwards and upwards and all that!
so i had just gone nuts. tried to kill three youths with my car. and my wife had decided that studying was more important than the kids, or my, welfare. i think that sums it up. so as you can imagine i am none too popular in the org at this point. by now i am no longer on staff (again, i don't really remember how i got off staff, but somehow i did) and my whole function seems to be make money, pay bills, handle any and all problems that come up regarding the family and keep lou studying at all costs! around then lou finally gets to do the purif. now, as i said earlier this was my original intention when i got her in! i actually had a win on her finally getting to do this! the day she finished i remember going to meet her at the tube station and being really excited! when she came out of the station she didn't seem to be blown away with it at all! she seemed to treat it as just something she had to get through as part of her program. she didn't seem particularly happy to see me and even though she expressed a certain amount of gain from doing it she didn't seem to think it was worth giving me any sort of ack for doing all i was doing so she could be doing what she was doing! no ack for getting her in! no ack for my intention that she do the purif! i gotta tell you, i took a HUGE loss on that! the one thing i wanted her to do and she seemed completely underwhelmed by it!!! things didn't really get any better between us and finally we agreed that i would leave. obviously taking the children with me! i mean, it wouldn't do to leave her with that sort of dev-t on her lines at such an important time now would it!
. so i moved in with my parents and our two children. this wasn't very workable really so eventually i had to approach our local council and declare myself homeless and get housed in a flat in the area. i think that was '96. this place was only a temparary placement with something more perminant to follow. a short while after moving in (and i have to say it wasn't what you would call an ideal place!) she had to move because shock of shocks the other place we had been living in nearer the org had proven to be too expensive and so was abandoned thereby losing the deposits (which we had had to borrow and was still paying for). she had been to visit the children a few times and we decided to get back together and she moved in with the children and i. it never really crossed my mind that i was a solution to her housing ptp.
. so we are back together and unsurprisingly, i am still a scumbag. not really in the org. blah blah blah. during this time we manage to make another baby! please ,no lectures on how irresponsible i/we was at the time! i know, i really do! before we find out the good news, she decides that she doesn't want to be with me after all and leaves. i dont really know for sure where exactly she ended up staying but i think she did a little time with nick and susie wynne and probably some time living with the sup from ldn org. like i say, dont know for sure. the sup, liam, was living in adrian pownell's house in chiswick or somewhere like that. anyone who's seen another thread i've stuck my nose into on here hopefully that will start to explain my issue with him! anyway, after of couple months or so of being in this flat i was offered a place by the council in plumstead, south east ldn and so had to move again. the new place wasn't great either but at least had potential, of sorts! i just start to settle in when i get a call from lou saying that she is pregnant! (that was when the good news came!) and that she was happy to remain apart and she would take care of the baby herself. wtf! so i would have two of our children and she would have one of them wherever she was! insane! so what ever, it was obvious that she didn't want to be with me. its hard to explain exactly what i was like at this time. i was devastated that my marriage was over. i was stuggling to cope with two, basically, babies. and i was still trying to gig as much as poss in order to pay my bills! thank god for my parents and all the help they gave me! i had a couple of friends that were around and one in particular was having his own relationship problems at the time. so what do i do? what any good little scientologist would do, i disseminated to him and took him into cc! cause obviously it was working so well for me in my life that i just had to keep spreading the word!!!! idiot! you might have noticed that there hasn't been much mention of the org, or indeed scientology, for a while in my story. thats because no bastard was particularly interested in what was going on with me. i wasn't going into the org that often and they had what they wanted..... a pro trained sup and class v org. the thing is, i STILL didn't put it together that it was the tech, or the org, or scn in general that had been in any way a serious contributor to my situation! i could justify it all by believing everything i was told about myself!!!
well, louise living away from me and deciding to have the baby on her own didn't last long and it wasn't long before she moved in with me again. you see, i LOVED her. i thought that no matter what, she was the ONE! i never considered i was being a mug at all! my family were, as you can imagine, devastated that i had taken her back....again! but they behaved well and did all they could to continue to help out and even arranged a 21st birthday party for her! she was pretty ungrateful as i remember.
i was kind of around in terms of the org i guess but dont really remember doing anything in terms of services. hence the not great reputation in the org. although how exactly i was supposed to make that happen is still a bbloody mystery to me. it was always lou's post and training that had to come first. i just "had to make it go right" somehow to get on course! the fact that it was ONLY because of me that she was able to do anything was conveniently not-ised by her and all other parties involved. (jeez, even i think i'm sounding like i'm whining now! lol).
another example of lunecy here. mione aswell i have to say! christmas of '97 we decide to spend christmas day and boxing day at her parents house. they lived in wales so it involved getting up at 4 am (after getting home from a christmas eve gig at 1 am!) and me driving us to wales. we got there and i managed to have 1 maybe 2 hours sleep before dinner. all was going well until our youngest at that time decided to be unwell. soaring temperature, listless etc. we decided to take him to the local hospital (obviously it was me that had to do that!) and get him checked out. they decided to keep him in for observations. merry christmas!. i stayed there with him and we were there for two days. louise had to get back to ldn to be on post or training or something but the hospital didn't want to discharge our son. so she decided she was going to go back to ldn anyway and leave me there with the children! I, like a bloddy idiot, decided that was stupid and so the only option was to discharge him ourselves, against the advice of the doctors, and promis to take him directly to a hospital when we got back! dumb! so thats what we did and luckily he was ok. the hospital we took him to didn't want to keep him in. how stupid were we? once again having agreement with the idea that she had to be on post no matter what! even at the risk of harm to our child. i am not proud that i went along with that. i really would have done anything to make things work with her. anything. ok, i'm leaving it there. i need to work out how to shoten this a bit i think or at least only put in that which is relevant to this site! lol.
happydance: i didn't say "handle"! ). i guess thats life in all its glory. but since i started posting on here life has got pretty interesting. ok, i've certainly missed a lot of sleep to this site but its no big deal to me really. i'm used to a wacky schedule. since i started a major situation with one of my children that i thought was dealt with months ago has reared back up. i've had a bill from the inland revenue completely out of the blue. my mum's desk top has crashed in big way (yes i'm living back with my mum, all becomes clearer later in my over blown, stupidly long story! lol) and after my last post on here this afternoon some bastard smashed the side window in my van and stole my sat nav!!!
like i say, interesting, or funny, or something i dunno. i know how i would have looked at all that when i was still in but now? who knows. but i'll say this, i have had all that anger bottled up without properly examining it and am well known for having a short fuse and exploding quite dramatically at times. but i've been real calm about the van. really. its quite weird actually and a new experience for me. there was nothing to be gained by getting angry about it. whoever was responsible was long gone and having a big dramatic episode would have innapropriate and pointless. THAT is a significant step forward for me! now, about the subsequent anger that built up when i was talking to the insurance company.......! lol. oh well, it is small steps after all i guess!
