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wonderful to have you back sharing with us Maria. This board has a tremendous number of really caring individuals. I am so glad you can find benefit here.
I was allowed to slip through the cracks from the church. I had signed a 2 ½ year contract initially and was bullied to sign a 5 years one after I separated from my then husband after almost 2 years in staff.
After that, I blew staff in order to be able to go back to my home country. I was brought back and manage to have a 4 weeks leave of absence to go visit my family. I came back and I wanted out. Not because I stopped believing but because I needed to live my life and be able to support myself. I routed out without any freeloader debt since all services I received (and mind you, there weren’t many!) were done under that first contract that I did finished.
I found a job and started volunteering at the church. Life was going well. They wanted me back in staff but I used the “I’m an exSO so I can’t” card every time they mention something and I went on with my live. Then I met my now husband, got madly in love and move in with him. Now I had a family again (he has 2 children from a previous marriage) and was living farther away form the org, so I naturally stopped going.
There were many things that I didn’t like but I always assumed there were part of the many cultural differences and cultural shock of living away from home, in a different culture. I stopped answering the calls after it became obnoxious that they were asking for money that I didn’t have, and because of my upbringing I would have not go in debt to pay for whatever they were asking.
Then the Debbie Cook email came public and I put some dots together. Somehow I found about Marty and more dots joined the ones already connected. Upper management were doing some nasty things and were ruining the church, thanks for the ones who have left to keep the tech available… I would think of myself during that time as an “independent” for a lack of a better term.
I never went up the bridge, I did most of the life improvement courses, the purif (that BTY, I was rush to attest completion) and pro-trs. I just had enough data to help my life be better and dreamt of a day I would have enough money to pay off my bridge and do it full time.
Then I started learning about who really Hubbard was, but I still believed in the tech; then I found you and the rest of the dots got connected. And my stable data blew away. I don’t have the reality that the tech doesn’t work, even though I questioned many times the behavior of many OTs. I was offered kool aid, and I drank the basic flavors only because I didn’t have the money or the urgency to drink the others. I liked those flavors and was happy enjoying them.
It’s been 8 years since I’ve in an org. 8 years of keeping a dying dream alive. My life hasn’t involved direct scientologyfor that many time, you can say I don’t have many ties with them, and maybe that’strue, but now my whole ‘spiritual’ being is just confused, in pain and with loads of shame. I left many years ago, bu tuntil know I’m aware of how bad they really are. Where I go from here? I have a good life, just a huge hole in my being that I’m not sure how to fill again. Reading your stories, being made aware has been very painful. I don’t know what to do with this pain with this emptiness. Now I'm facing life without scientology.
Hi Maria. I wish you well on this journey and please remind yourself that you are enough. Here's link to a collection of self nurturing tools and I hope one speaks to you with empowering inspiring encouragement. Recovering From Scientology - Updated Post 12
Thank you for your words Free Being Me. Unfortunately, losing my only sibling cured me for losing scientology. I'm working on self nurturing, now that I'm an only child, my parents only have me and I can't fail them. It's been a bumpy ride, but I don't feel anything about scientolgy, it's just part of my past, long gone. It really doesn't' matter anymore.
I keep coming here because I have found some kindred hearts, and I'm nurturing myself with that love, and learning to laugh again.
It's not anymore about scientology, it's now about love, family and life.