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Getting around or where to go


Gold Meritorious Patron
wonderful to have you back sharing with us Maria. This board has a tremendous number of really caring individuals. I am so glad you can find benefit here.


Claire Swazey

Spokeshole, fence sitter
I was allowed to slip through the cracks from the church. I had signed a 2 ½ year contract initially and was bullied to sign a 5 years one after I separated from my then husband after almost 2 years in staff.

After that, I blew staff in order to be able to go back to my home country. I was brought back and manage to have a 4 weeks leave of absence to go visit my family. I came back and I wanted out. Not because I stopped believing but because I needed to live my life and be able to support myself. I routed out without any freeloader debt since all services I received (and mind you, there weren’t many!) were done under that first contract that I did finished.

I found a job and started volunteering at the church. Life was going well. They wanted me back in staff but I used the “I’m an exSO so I can’t” card every time they mention something and I went on with my live. Then I met my now husband, got madly in love and move in with him. Now I had a family again (he has 2 children from a previous marriage) and was living farther away form the org, so I naturally stopped going.

There were many things that I didn’t like but I always assumed there were part of the many cultural differences and cultural shock of living away from home, in a different culture. I stopped answering the calls after it became obnoxious that they were asking for money that I didn’t have, and because of my upbringing I would have not go in debt to pay for whatever they were asking.

Then the Debbie Cook email came public and I put some dots together. Somehow I found about Marty and more dots joined the ones already connected. Upper management were doing some nasty things and were ruining the church, thanks for the ones who have left to keep the tech available… I would think of myself during that time as an “independent” for a lack of a better term.

I never went up the bridge, I did most of the life improvement courses, the purif (that BTY, I was rush to attest completion) and pro-trs. I just had enough data to help my life be better and dreamt of a day I would have enough money to pay off my bridge and do it full time.

Then I started learning about who really Hubbard was, but I still believed in the tech; then I found you and the rest of the dots got connected. And my stable data blew away. I don’t have the reality that the tech doesn’t work, even though I questioned many times the behavior of many OTs. I was offered kool aid, and I drank the basic flavors only because I didn’t have the money or the urgency to drink the others. I liked those flavors and was happy enjoying them.

It’s been 8 years since I’ve in an org. 8 years of keeping a dying dream alive. My life hasn’t involved direct scientologyfor that many time, you can say I don’t have many ties with them, and maybe that’strue, but now my whole ‘spiritual’ being is just confused, in pain and with loads of shame. I left many years ago, bu tuntil know I’m aware of how bad they really are. Where I go from here? I have a good life, just a huge hole in my being that I’m not sure how to fill again. Reading your stories, being made aware has been very painful. I don’t know what to do with this pain with this emptiness. Now I'm facing life without scientology.

I wouldn't be in a rush to replace Scn with another philosophy or body of thought. But then again, in your case it's been 8 years.

Still, I think the main thing is to focus on yourself. Are there classes you always wanted to take but couldn't, due to time contraints or other contraints in CofS? Or other activities? Are there people with whom you lost touch? Those could be good things on which to focus.

Once situated and more comfortable with your personal needs, your loved ones and friends, you could, if you wanted, take a look at your philosophical beliefs. Some people leave CofS and join the freezone. But most don't. Most of them tend to move onward to other philosophical realms of thought. I've met exes who became devout Christians- often getting in touch with a religion in which they were raised. Some transitioned to a more atheistic/materialist view. It's different for everyone. Only you can decide what reonates. You know what might be fun? If you had the time for it, you might like taking a college comparative religion class.

Claire Swazey

Spokeshole, fence sitter
Another observation

And re the thread op--

I also want to say that it's a shame that a person has to be allowed to slip through the cracks to get the hell away from this awful cult. I get it- there are exes who just walked away and didn't get expelled and I think the slip through the cracks phrase is perfect. But isn't that a shame that it's like that? The harassment - and even if it's genial it's still a lot of nagging and hot air- that exes face is just egregious.

Free Being Me

Re: Getting around or where to go - HOME

Hi Maria. I wish you well on this journey and please remind yourself that you are enough. Here's link to a collection of self nurturing tools and I hope one speaks to you with empowering inspiring encouragement. Recovering From Scientology - Updated Post 12


Thank you for your words Free Being Me. Unfortunately, losing my only sibling cured me for losing scientology. I'm working on self nurturing, now that I'm an only child, my parents only have me and I can't fail them. It's been a bumpy ride, but I don't feel anything about scientolgy, it's just part of my past, long gone. It really doesn't' matter anymore.

I keep coming here because I have found some kindred hearts, and I'm nurturing myself with that love, and learning to laugh again.

It's not anymore about scientology, it's now about love, family and life.

Thank you for your wholehearted response, Maria. I feel for your loss and smile for your inner strength. The offered link may perhaps be misleading insofar as the title, so my apologies. There's much information there for anyone, whether it be in the context of cult recovery, self growth, personal loss, a distressing relationship, what have you. Of course it's your choice to decide what has significant meaning, what speaks to you and I wish you well finding your own answers living life on your terms.

Namaste. :)