My in and out story part 1

[Free to shine]

Free to Shine,

What an amazing story. I hope your health is fine now. I can't imagine having 3 babies, having surgery and not having anyone to really help you.

Thank you for sharing.

Thanks.
I just re-read this and these first posts are really only an skimpy outline. How can you tell the real story of 35+ years, all the details? I haven't given too many here because of family still in. However the more I post, the more comes out and my viewpoint has changed a lot in these months. I am certainly more prepared to state my case now and not hold back.

Oh yes, being ignored because you have no money is the pits! It didn't matter the blood, sweat and tears of many years of service, it didn't count at all. I still don't know how I survived that period. For a "church" who supposedly helps and cares for people, what happened to me certainly defines the true story. No money = no care. What is even worse is that my "friends" all disappeared too, except one who was not in the country and unable to help, though she would have. All because I was sick! I discovered true friendship and support from the very people I was taught to avoid.

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

Thanks.
I just re-read this and these first posts are really only an skimpy outline. How can you tell the real story of 35+ years, all the details? I haven't given too many here because of family still in. However the more I post, the more comes out and my viewpoint has changed a lot in these months. I am certainly more prepared to state my case now and not hold back.

Oh yes, being ignored because you have no money is the pits! It didn't matter the blood, sweat and tears of many years of service, it didn't count at all. I still don't know how I survived that period. For a "church" who supposedly helps and cares for people, what happened to me certainly defines the true story. No money = no care. What is even worse is that my "friends" all disappeared too, except one who was not in the country and unable to help, though she would have. All because I was sick! I discovered true friendship and support from the very people I was taught to avoid.

It's as if "PTSness" (which I'm sure they said you were) is contagious. I was discussing this with a friend last night. There are so few of the people I knew while in the church that would have come to my aid had I called for it. And when I did have an illness it was always - get an assist - but never an offer to come do one. But my girlfriend (non-Scn) of nearly 30 years wanted to be with me last week when I went for a medical exam. She lives two states away and she still wanted to be with me. If it wasn't tax season in the US, she would have come to be with me. Just to hold my hand and offer moral support.

 

[Free to shine]

It's as if "PTSness" (which I'm sure they said you were) is contagious. I was discussing this with a friend last night. There are so few of the people I knew while in the church that would have come to my aid had I called for it. And when I did have an illness it was always - get an assist - but never an offer to come do one. But my girlfriend (non-Scn) of nearly 30 years wanted to be with me last week when I went for a medical exam. She lives two states away and she still wanted to be with me. If it wasn't tax season in the US, she would have come to be with me. Just to hold my hand and offer moral support.

That is true friendship. The same for me with my friend of decades. Treasure it!

 

[Kathy (ImOut)]

That is true friendship. The same for me with my friend of decades. Treasure it!

I do treasure that friendship. She's also my "mommy" since I don't have one. And a girl needs a mommy sometimes.

 

[Recovery]

Amazing

Great to meet you here and read your story. http://www.forum.exscn.net/images/smilies/smile.gif

 

[Wisened One]

FTS, Wow..

FTS: Your stories.....Wow, you've been through SO much and here I feel badk with the pitily, kindergarten crap I been through.....

You are really really helping many of us by bravely sharing your stories..

You know I'm STILL getting over that 'pulling it in' thing....(I mean to the insane degree they make ya feel like...).

Do you know that when I left Staff and got to be a real mom to my kids and help raise them more..(they lived primarily with their father never was a scn, then with me part of each year,etc..)....I felt GUILTY?! You hear me?! I felt GUILTY for choosing to be a mom (stay a db, per them) and be in my kids lives, rather than trying to 'make it go right' and pay off my fl debt and go back to THE most IMPORTANT job of 'Clearing The Planet?'

I'm so glad you were able to stay being a mom to yours while you were in.....

It actually took YEARS for me to really ENJOY (deep down) being with my kids!!!!!!

I'd always felt like I was 'wasting my lifetime' being off of Staff A lowly FreeLoader and offlines, etc...

God.

You keep writing. With every word, you're healing not only yourself but us, too...

Wisened One

 

[Colleen K. Peltomaa]

It's as if "PTSness" (which I'm sure they said you were) is contagious. I was discussing this with a friend last night. There are so few of the people I knew while in the church that would have come to my aid had I called for it. And when I did have an illness it was always - get an assist - but never an offer to come do one. But my girlfriend (non-Scn) of nearly 30 years wanted to be with me last week when I went for a medical exam. She lives two states away and she still wanted to be with me. If it wasn't tax season in the US, she would have come to be with me. Just to hold my hand and offer moral support.

What got Hubbie out of the Church was his final disillusionment with his FSM. He really adored his OT8 FSM here in Toronto. When his beloved dog, Harry, died he was in tears and worrying about Harry's spirit, if it was doing okay. He thought his OT8 FSM could get in contact and give him a confirmation that Harry was okay.

She was cold, cold, cold, no sympathy, no empathy, for his grief. And he wasn't even crying for himself, he was truly worried about Harry having been traumatized by the death. I could feel her cold vibes coming across the phone wires.

At what OT level does one gain love and compassion for man and animals?

 

[Ladybird]

Do you know that when I left Staff and got to be a real mom to my kids and help raise them more..(they lived primarily with their father never was a scn, then with me part of each year,etc..)....I felt GUILTY?! You hear me?! I felt GUILTY for choosing to be a mom (stay a db, per them) and be in my kids lives, rather than trying to 'make it go right' and pay off my fl debt and go back to THE most IMPORTANT job of 'Clearing The Planet?'

I understand. I felt the same way. It was like nothing else really mattered since scientology was "the only hope for every man, woman and child on this planet."

Thank xenu and the marcabians for the Internet!

Seriously, thanks to all the brave people who risked so much to make the truth about L. Ron Hubbard and his con-cult available to all.

You saved my life, and countless others by helping us wake up.

 

[Kerry]

What a beautiful thread. Sad, true, hopeful, defiant, and OUT.

 

[Giuseppe]

You know I'm STILL getting over that 'pulling it in' thing....(I mean to the insane degree they make ya feel like...).

Giuseppe too, but you can reverse the thinkingness to that!

Whatever Giuseppe does to the church at this point, well, they pulled it in.

Overt-motivator? Yes, whatever, programmer knows same=same depends on what side the equal sign its on. overt=motivator and motivator=overt.

They should not have taken Giuseppe family away from Giuseppe, and they should not have put the Giuseppe into the slave camp, well, Giuseppe can do whatever Giuseppe want, because Giuseppe not responsible for the condition of the church!

 

[Wisened One]

Hugs to Guisseppe

Guisseppe got good thinking!

Wisened One

 

[Wisened One]

I understand. I felt the same way. It was like nothing else really mattered since scientology was "the only hope for every man, woman and child on this planet."

Thank xenu and the marcabians for the Internet!

Seriously, thanks to all the brave people who risked so much to make the truth about L. Ron Hubbard and his con-cult available to all.

You saved my life, and countless others by helping us wake up.

Hugs and thanks for understanding, Ladybird.

Wasn't the 'high' of that goal strong? Sheesh. Strong enough to give up one's kids, family, etc...*sigh*

Wisened One

 

[Free Will]

Yes,Motty was a nice guy. Cashier Foundation I believe? Technically he might have been my junior as I was Dir Income for AOSH and Fdn. I never had management skills, certainly couldn't put pressure on anyone always felt guilty if I tried, or afraid of getting busted for not doing it. I basically aproached juniors with the attitude 'how can I help you?' - often it was easier to do what was required myself.

I have remembered something I would like to add before Part II. During my time at Saint Hill I had a short relationship with a wonderful man, Motty Arnstein. He was staff on SH FDN. One day he told me that we had to break up as he was so terribly PTS and felt he would soon die. Shortly after he was hit by a truck walking into East Grinstead from Saint Hill and he died a short time after. I still feel this happened due to his state of mind. He deserves to be named to honour him, instead of leaving him a nameless statistic. Bless you Motty for the sunshine you brought into my life, albeit so brief.

 

[Outethicsofficer]

It takes some of us a long time to get a message, doesn’t it?

To finish my story, well…I recovered. I lived under such stress for so long that it has only been in the last few years that I have found myself, and like myself. I am happy doing what I do now and can finally be the artist I really am. Yes I did get sucked into an interview here and there and endured many, many phone calls trying to salvage me. However because of family still connected I faded away rather than exited with a large fanfare.

It has helped to write this, and I hope it helps someone else too. Excerpted from your story.

Hi Fee to Shine,

I am pleased to have read your story, you are one hell of a gutsy girl
I am pleased to see you found yourself in the end, an artist.

Large fan fares are overrated. After all the church is right into them and who would want to duplicate that!!

Al the best,
James

 

[dontscamme]

I just read this thread today, and I appreciated it very much.

Although I've never been there, the part about Scotland caught my eye.

At the request of The Illusioness here are some memories of Scotland.

<snip>

The only heating in the tiny hoose was a wood fire that also heated the water tank above it. So no hot water most of the day. When I washed clothes and hung them outside they tended to freeze solid. This was amazing to me and I’d go around knocking on them. It was winter btw.

<snip>

The funniest thing about my life in Scotland was that I started to mimic the accent.
“Och away wi’ya, ya daft wee hen” etc. It became so pronounced that towards the end of my time there my mother couldn’t understand me on the phone. I can still translate Billy Connolly quite well.

From High School English Lit, I still remember a famous line by the Scottish poet Robert Burns:

The best-laid schemes o' mice an 'men
Gang aft agley

The poem demonstrates the Scottish dialect and also comments on the harsh Scottish winters.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cy8lehO7nqg

 

[Free to shine]

Oh wow, thankyou Dontscamme! I really enjoyed that.

 

[EP - Ethics Particle]

Just a thought...

Oh wow, thankyou Dontscamme! I really enjoyed that.

It occurred to me that you might also like this... EP

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLuKGirqgIs

 

[GreyWolf]

Yep, I'm doing fine, at last. My kids are grown and doing well too, and I use my personal experiences to hopefully help others now. As I said, sometimes it takes a long time to wake up.

I am so glad that you made it out and that you are doing well. I wish you a long and happy and free life.