The third day
I had gotten to bed late after the second night at the AO. In the morning, I got my hubby to handle the logistics with the kids, and I went back to sleep. I had no concern for work or cycles needing my attention. I didn’t want to confront the world, I just wanted to hide from the world and go back to sleep – I did.
I woke up, surprisingly well rested. I was keyed in, but was looking at what went down. I had breaky outside with the birds and the trees. I was looking at things somewhat analytically/rationally. “Yes, I had put myself in their hands”. “How fucked were they, to take me back there in that fashion”. “How could anyone if not powered by “evil”/“the black side”, be so cruel”. “How could anyone put another, through such a gruelling, harrowing experience?”
I didn’t mention in my post about that horrid “interview/session”, that the “auditor” was evaluating and invalidating as we went along. He said stuff like “God, that’s gross!”. “Did you think that that was OK at the time?” “Do you think it’s OK or acceptable still?” – and such variations with inflections/emphasis on certain words , in order to invalidate/introvert me. It worked at the time, but now the next day as I was looking at it, I could see how evil it actually was (and rightly or wrongly, I thought about how anal, and sexually naive that no doubt he was – joining the SO as a kid. Somehow that helped). That detached me somewhat from what went down, and something “shifted” for me in regard to that “interview” (after which I felt like a rotting piece of shit).
However, I was still very “lossy” and very sad – about what I had “lost” and about the future. This was a group of people I had worked with and for, for many years. I had all ready been through the grinder I had thought, after months of sec checks and ethics handlings o/w write ups, face rips, and worst of all being ignored and not spoken to by any and all crew/staff/field (I could see people give me a side way glimpse, but then quickly look away – they wouldn’t dare be seen talking to me). And what about Scientology – the “thing” that helped me save my life and start a new life (and the thing that I had used, to help so many others do the same). OT levels (and what they promised) were never really a button for me. Living life with the tools for life to create better circumstances for myself, my family and friends and all – was! It had become my life. That was now all down the gurgler. I knew that my life in Scn was over, I couldn’t be part of that game and keep up the fight anymore. I was introverted and lonely about how and why things were always so difficult for me, and why I never seemed to “fit” or “belong” anywhere.
That aside, I was trying to work out how to slip away, without getting declared. For various reasons (that I now consider inane), this was of major concern to me. At this point, I could not accept the prospect of putting my boys into a position down the track, where they’d have to either forfeit me or Scn (stupid in hindsight). I kept going over and over in my mind, how I could play this out, without a label.
In the afternoon, I was driving the boys to some sport thing. We were all “talking” in the car. Then my eldest said to me “Mummy, you’re talking, but you’re not listening”. It stung! It was true! I hadn’t been listening to them, and I hadn’t been there for them for months. I handled all their logistics and all, got them to school, rugby training, etc, etc, etc – but I had dropped them in regard to any kind of emotional or spiritual support. For whatever reason, I keyed in on this big time. I could barely pull the car over, and I just bawled uncontrollably (not something I would do). I couldn’t stop it. I was aware of the boys, but not of much, and had lost control.
This bit is somewhat embarrassing, but is significant:
I figure now, that my little darlin’s must have been looking out the window, with their big brown eyes, reaching for help. This “stranger” (a man much older than me), opened my driver’s side door, escorted me to the footpath, and just held me in his arms while I sobbed and sobbed. He said nothing. I settled. The man kissed me on the forehead, and walked on off, up the footpath. It was like he was an angel from heaven (without getting too spiritually significant/airy fairy or nuthin’).
I “lifted” from that point. Straight up! By night time, I was feeling strong. Had a call from org again. And this time, in my mind, it was “Yep, I’ll go in this one last time to end cycle”. I went in with a very different viewpoint, and different headspace. Somehow, they didn’t have me by the “short and curlies” now. The threat, seemed to have disappeared, and I felt like I was prepared to go into battle (I knew that I wouldn’t win the war, but I was determined to leave and end off on a point with some restored self esteem – desecrated entirely (although temporarily), the previous night.
I went into the org, with a “what now ya c’nts?”, type of attitude, but I had a calm cool front. I was ready to end cycle. Then I was told that I was going to be given a correction cycle by my original auditor (who had done some of my NOTS and done my sec check in the previous months). Back into the room. Again I saw CO OSA and those RTC missionaries go into the one next door. I was curious about that, and prepared for a trap. Next thing Shane walked in and locked the door as usual, with a nasty smirk on his face. This just made me step up! This time Shane was asking me for my crimes. “We know you have crimes, what are they?” “What are your crimes?” “What have you done?”and all sorts of variations of. But I had my trs right in this night, and was not feeling fearful, so very calmly turned it around – “No, what are your crimes? I’ve already given mine. What are yours?” “What have you done?” “What are you doing?” “What are you trying to do?”. I directed these questions to the “auditor”, and sometimes to the camera lense (with specific intent to the RTC MAA missionaire who looked like a clone of DM, except that he was tubbier – and had a sour look on his face ALL the time). My trs and confront, were way above my “auditor’s” that night. I used the opportunity to communicate to the whole four of them, and say things that I couldn’t in the last months, due to being cut off or pushed up against a wall for back flash or whatever. As much as he persisted, then so did I, and more. I was feeling more hatred than I had ever felt in my life, and I was flowing it. Shane told me that I was rock-slamming – I probably was (or maybe, don’t know - was certainly of the mind that I was confronting evil that night, and I wasn’t having loving thoughts). He must have been “beckoned” out of the room 3 times that night, and face ripped. I heard the yelling. He certainly wasn’t making me “crack” this night, and I was taking a win on that.
Then I told him, that I was done, that I had had enough, that they could declare me or whatever, but that I was going. I got up to leave. Shane was in front of the door and shoved me on the chair. I got up again, and we struggled. He was way taller and stronger than me, and I didn’t have Ax’s “incredible hulk” thing to call on – but I had lungs, and I used them. I started screaming - “let me out”, “help” at the top of my voice. I caused a racket as intended, and there was a knock at the door. It was Vicki, CO OSA. I “settled” and told her that I was going. She tried to “handle” me, but I told her that it was over, and that if she didn’t let me go, “right fucking now” that eventually my husband would be there to rescue me, and that I’d be going straight to the police when he did. I was calm and determined on the exterior, but inside, I was shaky. My heart was pounding and I felt like I was “in” way over my head. I didn’t like or respect any of these people, and certainly didn’t hold them in any kind of high esteem, and I had all but won this last battle, but still for some reason, I still felt the fear running through my veins. I pretended to be calm, then Vicki said “It’s OK, it’s all over, just go home and get some rest”, we’ll see you tomorrow. I said very obligingly “alright then, I’ll do that”.
I left the AO at that point. I got home, tidied up some admin cycles that needed handling, packed up some gear for the kids and me, organised some meals for hubby who would be home alone, and was set to take off out of the city for a few days, when the boys woke up.
Will tell you how it all ended up, in another post.
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One of these day the right target will come into view...and then - watch my smoke! 
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