EZ Linus
Cleared Tomato
I want to write about this and I don't know where else to spew forth. I am really hoping to get support here. Advice will work too. However, I will tell you, I have been in therapy for almost 10 years, plus I had at least a year of specialized one-on-one therapy with a cult specialist and did monthly group therapy with other ex-cult members of varying groups--this was before the 10 years of regular therapy. I also have psychiatrist. None of these things have worked on what I'm about to address. Advice may not work on me.
Loss and Anger.
When I left Scientology, I didn't just lose my beliefs and my mind. I lost practically everyone I knew and loved. It is, and has been profound. It didn't happen all at once. Over the last 18 years, they've all disconnected, one by one in various ways--some have been way more upsetting than others.
I also moved about 40 miles away from my previous residence for the first eight years once I left. This was both good and bad. I was truly isolated. I had no one. No friends, no family. When I finally began to make new "friends," no one knew I was ever in Scientology. So no one really knew me at all. I don't make a friend easily. I've never been able to maintain a relationship in or out of the cult. I have one: my partner of 20 years. If it wasn't for him, I would have been long dead by now.
The loss of my friends haunt me. I have NOT recovered. I am still very very sad. I can't get over it!
Likewise, I am so angry. I hold grudges now. Mostly on the people that burned me--that were once my friends, then suddenly left me in the cold. I am extremely angry with those that have left Scientology (I'm happy they have found their way out), but they've never come to me. Crickets. These are a few that treated me so badly when they disconnected and said I was an "SP," or worse, a degraded being who pulled in my illness. That really did a number on me. I still wonder if they were right. Maybe I'm disabled because I deserve to be. They even have laughed at me. It makes me want to cry, or punch them in the face. Both!
So these are just feelings. I am not going to punch or harm anyone. This is a disclaimer because, you know, lawyers.
Thanks for listening.
Am I the only one like this?
Loss and Anger.
When I left Scientology, I didn't just lose my beliefs and my mind. I lost practically everyone I knew and loved. It is, and has been profound. It didn't happen all at once. Over the last 18 years, they've all disconnected, one by one in various ways--some have been way more upsetting than others.
I also moved about 40 miles away from my previous residence for the first eight years once I left. This was both good and bad. I was truly isolated. I had no one. No friends, no family. When I finally began to make new "friends," no one knew I was ever in Scientology. So no one really knew me at all. I don't make a friend easily. I've never been able to maintain a relationship in or out of the cult. I have one: my partner of 20 years. If it wasn't for him, I would have been long dead by now.
The loss of my friends haunt me. I have NOT recovered. I am still very very sad. I can't get over it!
Likewise, I am so angry. I hold grudges now. Mostly on the people that burned me--that were once my friends, then suddenly left me in the cold. I am extremely angry with those that have left Scientology (I'm happy they have found their way out), but they've never come to me. Crickets. These are a few that treated me so badly when they disconnected and said I was an "SP," or worse, a degraded being who pulled in my illness. That really did a number on me. I still wonder if they were right. Maybe I'm disabled because I deserve to be. They even have laughed at me. It makes me want to cry, or punch them in the face. Both!
So these are just feelings. I am not going to punch or harm anyone. This is a disclaimer because, you know, lawyers.
Thanks for listening.
Am I the only one like this?