gomorrhan
Gold Meritorious Patron
Some people might not stop to consider some of the benefits of being in a coma.
I'd like to tell a little story.
When I woke up after a two and a half week coma, with a tube down my throat, with tubes throughout my body performing my functions, and with long periods of delirium punctuated with frequent spells of terror which I almost didn't want to survive (opiate withdrawals), the thing which scared me the most is that I didn't know who was paying for my care. I didn't know what the caps were on my care, and I was worried they were going to turn everything off. I felt like I was being offered a life I didn't want, because I was completely convinced that I couldn't breathe without assistance, and I knew I couldn't move and control my body. I was also aware that I wasn't out of the woods, yet, and that things could take a very nasty turn at any given second, because my immune system was completely compromised, and some of the treatments they were giving me to help me stop losing blood, internally, were experimental, and only approved about three days before I was admitted for use in life-saving procedures.
I was pushed to an extremity that I have never experienced before, although acid prepared me for it. I realized, at that point, that my attitude was going to determine whether or not I survived. I had to be willing to allow any sort of experimental procedure. I had to be willing to SMILE at people though I didn't feel good at all, for THEIR benefit. I also learned what it feels like to be completely alone with these fears, these concerns, and to completely lose control of my emotions. Probably the hardest part to accept was that I had lost my memory. I wasn't sure what I knew. I wasn't sure who I WAS. There were periods when I thought I was someone else (a few others). I realized that I had to DECIDE what I knew, and it made me very aware that I had done this before. Deliberately installed filters and established tolerances for different aspects of experience. Making deliberate assumptions that everyone there was very professional, knew what they were doing, and that they were operating in my best interest. I decided that this was extremely important. My confidence in them had to be absolute, or I would just feel completely compromised. They took care of me when I was not able to do so. It brings tears to my eyes that people would do this for me, and the low pay that some of them receive, and that they do it anyway, because they care about people, and they can confront the ugliness of failure, of inconsistency, unfairness, and do this "on a budget".
Just before I was hospitalized, I had been on a seminar, discovering "who I really was". It turns out that I am who I want to be, even after reconstructing myself, first on a psychological level in session, and then after amnesia, by electing who and what I would be, again, through feedback which at first was a completely alien environment. In this seminar, I had decided I would be the person who takes better care of himself, so that I would be capable of taking better care of others around me, and then I was nearly struck dead, and shown the limits of what I can do for myself, and where I simply have to surrender control and trust in the good nature and competence of others.
I received a phone call, about a week ago, from some people who are doing a followup study I agreed to be a part of, checking on my psychological and physical recovery after acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS). It was a pleasure to answer their questions, because my recovery seems complete. The lady told me it was a pleasure to talk to me, because my ATTITUDE was so much better than most of the people she got to talk to, and whose outcome was usually worse than mine. Of course, my attitude might only be a result of having such an outcome, but I don't think that's true. I think it's the other way around. I think things could have been much worse for me, had I been unwilling to keep trying to get out of bed, to make myself eat when I wasn't hungry, to walk another block today (or in the beginning, just to stand up completely, and close my eyes, and trust myself to stay upright, which didn't always work, but I still had to have that "trust"). I pushed myself really hard to get back to work, before they were really ready to have me back, they were unsure I was going to be okay. When I got back, I saw the emails that had been going around the office about me. Things like "if you believe in God, it's time to pray for Kevin", or "when he comes back, we may all have to make a special effort to help him reacclimatize, he may need to take short shifts", that sort of thing. I took a half day my first day back, but insisted on full days and a full schedule after that. I was completely exhausted, even before going to work. I could have stayed in bed, I had SSI benefits paying my bills, and everyone was telling me to take it easy. Death is easy. All you have to do is stop trying, really. Trying alone won't save you, having a positive attitude won't save you, but they both contribute to your CHANCES.
When I could get out of bed alone, I did. Before I could walk, I could dance, and I did, by myself, in a bathrobe, for as long as I could (and mostly to the soundtrack of the movie SuperBad, btw). I'm very glad for this shift I've experienced, and for the new chances I have. I'm very glad I could change my attitude, and that it could help me to do so. Most of all, I'm glad that I renewed my faith in my fellow people. I had become very cynical, and I think it was disabling me from making new efforts in life. I now have a renewed belief that I can do things, that things should be done, and I've arrogated the right to make such decisions and operate on them, with or without the agreement and support of others, even if it violates what they think is right.
While you are alive, people, remember to enjoy it. Anything you can enjoy, go and DO IT, because doing so makes you stronger, and because you may not get as many chances as you might think you'll be offered, and they may not be offered on conditions you want to have to accept.
Oh, yeah, and get insurance. Better yet, vote for national health insurance. Having to worry about who is going to care for you, while you cannot care for yourself, and whether or not you can afford it, is brutal.
I'd like to tell a little story.
When I woke up after a two and a half week coma, with a tube down my throat, with tubes throughout my body performing my functions, and with long periods of delirium punctuated with frequent spells of terror which I almost didn't want to survive (opiate withdrawals), the thing which scared me the most is that I didn't know who was paying for my care. I didn't know what the caps were on my care, and I was worried they were going to turn everything off. I felt like I was being offered a life I didn't want, because I was completely convinced that I couldn't breathe without assistance, and I knew I couldn't move and control my body. I was also aware that I wasn't out of the woods, yet, and that things could take a very nasty turn at any given second, because my immune system was completely compromised, and some of the treatments they were giving me to help me stop losing blood, internally, were experimental, and only approved about three days before I was admitted for use in life-saving procedures.
I was pushed to an extremity that I have never experienced before, although acid prepared me for it. I realized, at that point, that my attitude was going to determine whether or not I survived. I had to be willing to allow any sort of experimental procedure. I had to be willing to SMILE at people though I didn't feel good at all, for THEIR benefit. I also learned what it feels like to be completely alone with these fears, these concerns, and to completely lose control of my emotions. Probably the hardest part to accept was that I had lost my memory. I wasn't sure what I knew. I wasn't sure who I WAS. There were periods when I thought I was someone else (a few others). I realized that I had to DECIDE what I knew, and it made me very aware that I had done this before. Deliberately installed filters and established tolerances for different aspects of experience. Making deliberate assumptions that everyone there was very professional, knew what they were doing, and that they were operating in my best interest. I decided that this was extremely important. My confidence in them had to be absolute, or I would just feel completely compromised. They took care of me when I was not able to do so. It brings tears to my eyes that people would do this for me, and the low pay that some of them receive, and that they do it anyway, because they care about people, and they can confront the ugliness of failure, of inconsistency, unfairness, and do this "on a budget".
Just before I was hospitalized, I had been on a seminar, discovering "who I really was". It turns out that I am who I want to be, even after reconstructing myself, first on a psychological level in session, and then after amnesia, by electing who and what I would be, again, through feedback which at first was a completely alien environment. In this seminar, I had decided I would be the person who takes better care of himself, so that I would be capable of taking better care of others around me, and then I was nearly struck dead, and shown the limits of what I can do for myself, and where I simply have to surrender control and trust in the good nature and competence of others.
I received a phone call, about a week ago, from some people who are doing a followup study I agreed to be a part of, checking on my psychological and physical recovery after acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS). It was a pleasure to answer their questions, because my recovery seems complete. The lady told me it was a pleasure to talk to me, because my ATTITUDE was so much better than most of the people she got to talk to, and whose outcome was usually worse than mine. Of course, my attitude might only be a result of having such an outcome, but I don't think that's true. I think it's the other way around. I think things could have been much worse for me, had I been unwilling to keep trying to get out of bed, to make myself eat when I wasn't hungry, to walk another block today (or in the beginning, just to stand up completely, and close my eyes, and trust myself to stay upright, which didn't always work, but I still had to have that "trust"). I pushed myself really hard to get back to work, before they were really ready to have me back, they were unsure I was going to be okay. When I got back, I saw the emails that had been going around the office about me. Things like "if you believe in God, it's time to pray for Kevin", or "when he comes back, we may all have to make a special effort to help him reacclimatize, he may need to take short shifts", that sort of thing. I took a half day my first day back, but insisted on full days and a full schedule after that. I was completely exhausted, even before going to work. I could have stayed in bed, I had SSI benefits paying my bills, and everyone was telling me to take it easy. Death is easy. All you have to do is stop trying, really. Trying alone won't save you, having a positive attitude won't save you, but they both contribute to your CHANCES.
When I could get out of bed alone, I did. Before I could walk, I could dance, and I did, by myself, in a bathrobe, for as long as I could (and mostly to the soundtrack of the movie SuperBad, btw). I'm very glad for this shift I've experienced, and for the new chances I have. I'm very glad I could change my attitude, and that it could help me to do so. Most of all, I'm glad that I renewed my faith in my fellow people. I had become very cynical, and I think it was disabling me from making new efforts in life. I now have a renewed belief that I can do things, that things should be done, and I've arrogated the right to make such decisions and operate on them, with or without the agreement and support of others, even if it violates what they think is right.
While you are alive, people, remember to enjoy it. Anything you can enjoy, go and DO IT, because doing so makes you stronger, and because you may not get as many chances as you might think you'll be offered, and they may not be offered on conditions you want to have to accept.
Oh, yeah, and get insurance. Better yet, vote for national health insurance. Having to worry about who is going to care for you, while you cannot care for yourself, and whether or not you can afford it, is brutal.
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