What's new

Lessons I Learned in a Coma

gomorrhan

Gold Meritorious Patron
Some people might not stop to consider some of the benefits of being in a coma.

I'd like to tell a little story.

When I woke up after a two and a half week coma, with a tube down my throat, with tubes throughout my body performing my functions, and with long periods of delirium punctuated with frequent spells of terror which I almost didn't want to survive (opiate withdrawals), the thing which scared me the most is that I didn't know who was paying for my care. I didn't know what the caps were on my care, and I was worried they were going to turn everything off. I felt like I was being offered a life I didn't want, because I was completely convinced that I couldn't breathe without assistance, and I knew I couldn't move and control my body. I was also aware that I wasn't out of the woods, yet, and that things could take a very nasty turn at any given second, because my immune system was completely compromised, and some of the treatments they were giving me to help me stop losing blood, internally, were experimental, and only approved about three days before I was admitted for use in life-saving procedures.

I was pushed to an extremity that I have never experienced before, although acid prepared me for it. I realized, at that point, that my attitude was going to determine whether or not I survived. I had to be willing to allow any sort of experimental procedure. I had to be willing to SMILE at people though I didn't feel good at all, for THEIR benefit. I also learned what it feels like to be completely alone with these fears, these concerns, and to completely lose control of my emotions. Probably the hardest part to accept was that I had lost my memory. I wasn't sure what I knew. I wasn't sure who I WAS. There were periods when I thought I was someone else (a few others). I realized that I had to DECIDE what I knew, and it made me very aware that I had done this before. Deliberately installed filters and established tolerances for different aspects of experience. Making deliberate assumptions that everyone there was very professional, knew what they were doing, and that they were operating in my best interest. I decided that this was extremely important. My confidence in them had to be absolute, or I would just feel completely compromised. They took care of me when I was not able to do so. It brings tears to my eyes that people would do this for me, and the low pay that some of them receive, and that they do it anyway, because they care about people, and they can confront the ugliness of failure, of inconsistency, unfairness, and do this "on a budget".

Just before I was hospitalized, I had been on a seminar, discovering "who I really was". It turns out that I am who I want to be, even after reconstructing myself, first on a psychological level in session, and then after amnesia, by electing who and what I would be, again, through feedback which at first was a completely alien environment. In this seminar, I had decided I would be the person who takes better care of himself, so that I would be capable of taking better care of others around me, and then I was nearly struck dead, and shown the limits of what I can do for myself, and where I simply have to surrender control and trust in the good nature and competence of others.

I received a phone call, about a week ago, from some people who are doing a followup study I agreed to be a part of, checking on my psychological and physical recovery after acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS). It was a pleasure to answer their questions, because my recovery seems complete. The lady told me it was a pleasure to talk to me, because my ATTITUDE was so much better than most of the people she got to talk to, and whose outcome was usually worse than mine. Of course, my attitude might only be a result of having such an outcome, but I don't think that's true. I think it's the other way around. I think things could have been much worse for me, had I been unwilling to keep trying to get out of bed, to make myself eat when I wasn't hungry, to walk another block today (or in the beginning, just to stand up completely, and close my eyes, and trust myself to stay upright, which didn't always work, but I still had to have that "trust"). I pushed myself really hard to get back to work, before they were really ready to have me back, they were unsure I was going to be okay. When I got back, I saw the emails that had been going around the office about me. Things like "if you believe in God, it's time to pray for Kevin", or "when he comes back, we may all have to make a special effort to help him reacclimatize, he may need to take short shifts", that sort of thing. I took a half day my first day back, but insisted on full days and a full schedule after that. I was completely exhausted, even before going to work. I could have stayed in bed, I had SSI benefits paying my bills, and everyone was telling me to take it easy. Death is easy. All you have to do is stop trying, really. Trying alone won't save you, having a positive attitude won't save you, but they both contribute to your CHANCES.

When I could get out of bed alone, I did. Before I could walk, I could dance, and I did, by myself, in a bathrobe, for as long as I could (and mostly to the soundtrack of the movie SuperBad, btw). I'm very glad for this shift I've experienced, and for the new chances I have. I'm very glad I could change my attitude, and that it could help me to do so. Most of all, I'm glad that I renewed my faith in my fellow people. I had become very cynical, and I think it was disabling me from making new efforts in life. I now have a renewed belief that I can do things, that things should be done, and I've arrogated the right to make such decisions and operate on them, with or without the agreement and support of others, even if it violates what they think is right.

While you are alive, people, remember to enjoy it. Anything you can enjoy, go and DO IT, because doing so makes you stronger, and because you may not get as many chances as you might think you'll be offered, and they may not be offered on conditions you want to have to accept.

Oh, yeah, and get insurance. Better yet, vote for national health insurance. Having to worry about who is going to care for you, while you cannot care for yourself, and whether or not you can afford it, is brutal.
 
Last edited:

gomorrhan

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks, ImOut. It boggles my mind to recall it. I think there's more yet that I haven't fully gotten out of that experience. One day I'd like to run that incident out in a session, including each attitude, and intention and identity discovered and experienced in it.
 

Magoo

Gold Meritorious Patron
gomorhann-----What a wonderful story! Thank you for sharing it with us.

My view is keep talking about it as long as you need to. Many times you write it, you'll be taking up a new view of it, and new things will come up.

Either way============great job on getting through that, and telling about it!

Blessings :fly2::dance:

Tory/Magoo~~
 

everfree

Patron Meritorious
Wow, what a story! I'm glad you came out of it ok. You're lucky to have such caring co-workers.
 

Dulloldfart

Squirrel Extraordinaire
Thanks, ImOut. It boggles my mind to recall it. I think there's more yet that I haven't fully gotten out of that experience. One day I'd like to run that incident out in a session, including each attitude, and intention and identity discovered and experienced in it.

Well, go for it. Either or both of http://www.paulsrobot.com/heavyduty and http://www.paulsrobot.com/BasicR3X should work just fine.

Not joking here.

I got an unsolicited success story two days ago from someone whose initials really are DM: "Thanks for having such a great resource! This was my first Paul's Robot session, and it was far less expensive than my auditing in the CoS. Not only that, it was more effective than much of it. My havingness really got stomped on, and now that I'm more aware of that, I can take better care of myself." --DM 21/8/08 re Paul's Robot Auditor

It's good stuff. And you can't beat the convenience and price. :)

Paul
 

gomorrhan

Gold Meritorious Patron
Yes, they were a "godsend". The first person I called when I figured out how to use my phone at the bedside was one of my coworkers, who confirmed that they were holding my job for me, and that they'd all be happy to hear I was calling and talking again. They later told me that they were very surprised I had come back. They'd all been convinced I'd be in long-term rehab, and negotiate some sort of settlement. I told them "that's not how I roll". One of the best indicators of my recovery, actually, was the degree of difficulty my job held for me. After about two weeks back, I realized I could do all of the things I had been able to do before again, although I STILL have difficulty not tripping over my toes when I walk or run. Agility relies on accurate perception and muscle memory. Perhaps muscle memory takes longer to recover than memories about information or skills.
 

Kathy (ImOut)

Gold Meritorious Patron
Thanks, ImOut. It boggles my mind to recall it. I think there's more yet that I haven't fully gotten out of that experience. One day I'd like to run that incident out in a session, including each attitude, and intention and identity discovered and experienced in it.

I can imagine that you've only been able to see what you can handle at this point. I'm guessing this was a recent situation. I would guess that with more time that passes, you'll be able to see more and more of it. If you need to.

But hey, try running it. It might just be fun. LOL!!!
 

Kathy (ImOut)

Gold Meritorious Patron
Not joking here.

I got an unsolicited success story two days ago from someone whose initials really are DM: "Thanks for having such a great resource! This was my first Paul's Robot session, and it was far less expensive than my auditing in the CoS. Not only that, it was more effective than much of it. My havingness really got stomped on, and now that I'm more aware of that, I can take better care of myself." --DM 21/8/08 re Paul's Robot Auditor

It's good stuff. And you can't beat the convenience and price. :)

Paul

Maybe it was the infamous DM. LOL!!!!!
 

Kathy (ImOut)

Gold Meritorious Patron
No. The person gave their full name, has a web site complete with photos, stories, holidays etc. But it would be funny if the other one tried it, wouldn't it?

Paul

It would be ironic if the other DM tried it and wrote a similar success story. LOL!!!!
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
I realized, at that point, that my attitude was going to determine whether or not I survived.

Of course, my attitude might only be a result of having such an outcome, but I don't think that's true. I think it's the other way around. I think things could have been much worse for me, had I been unwilling to keep trying to get out of bed, to make myself eat when I wasn't hungry, to walk another block today (or in the beginning, just to stand up completely, and close my eyes, and trust myself to stay upright, which didn't always work, but I still had to have that "trust").

I agree with you on this. Attitude does make all the difference. In my experience, at least. I have survived cancer, and a heart attack. The cancer cost me my right lung. I recovered from both experiences. The cancer was the hardest, and the emotional shock is what lead to me falling into the trap of Co$. But even that I recovered from. Because I wanted to recover.

I don't often think back to the specifics of those times. But your description reminded me of those times. It was probably one of my most 'in PT' times. Confronting the moment and all the crazy things going on that needed my attention.

And mostly not wanting others to be affected by what I was going through. I didn't want my condition to be a burden on anyone else, which created an attitude of 'psychological' self reliance. I certainly needed others physically.

While you are alive, people, remember to enjoy it. Anything you can enjoy, go and DO IT, because doing so makes you stronger, and because you may not get as many chances as you might think you'll be offered, and they may not be offered on conditions you want to have to accept.

Oh, yeah, and get insurance. Better yet, vote for national health insurance. Having to worry about who is going to care for you, while you cannot care for yourself, and whether or not you can afford it, is brutal.

Those experiences taught me a lot. Which is why, I think, that I could just walk away from Co$ and pick up the pieces reasonably quickly earlier this year. I had had practice. And that practice had taught me that life was worth pursuing (which is also at the core of why I got involved in Scientology in the first place).

And insurance is so important. In Australia we have general health insurance paid through taxes. You can also get private, but I didn't have that. I was covered for all my expenses. It was helpful not having that to worry about.

Thanks for your post, gomorrhan.

Neo
 

Terril park

Sponsor
Some people might not stop to consider some of the benefits of being in a coma.

I'd like to tell a little story.

When I woke up after a two and a half week coma, with a tube down my throat, with tubes throughout my body performing my functions, and with long periods of delirium punctuated with frequent spells of terror which I almost didn't want to survive (opiate withdrawals), the thing which scared me the most is that I didn't know who was paying for my care. I didn't know what the caps were on my care, and I was worried they were going to turn everything off. I felt like I was being offered a life I didn't want, because I was completely convinced that I couldn't breathe without assistance, and I knew I couldn't move and control my body. I was also aware that I wasn't out of the woods, yet, and that things could take a very nasty turn at any given second, because my immune system was completely compromised, and some of the treatments they were giving me to help me stop losing blood, internally, were experimental, and only approved about three days before I was admitted for use in life-saving procedures.

I was pushed to an extremity that I have never experienced before, although acid prepared me for it. I realized, at that point, that my attitude was going to determine whether or not I survived. I had to be willing to allow any sort of experimental procedure. I had to be willing to SMILE at people though I didn't feel good at all, for THEIR benefit. I also learned what it feels like to be completely alone with these fears, these concerns, and to completely lose control of my emotions. Probably the hardest part to accept was that I had lost my memory. I wasn't sure what I knew. I wasn't sure who I WAS. There were periods when I thought I was someone else (a few others). I realized that I had to DECIDE what I knew, and it made me very aware that I had done this before. Deliberately installed filters and established tolerances for different aspects of experience. Making deliberate assumptions that everyone there was very professional, knew what they were doing, and that they were operating in my best interest. I decided that this was extremely important. My confidence in them had to be absolute, or I would just feel completely compromised. They took care of me when I was not able to do so. It brings tears to my eyes that people would do this for me, and the low pay that some of them receive, and that they do it anyway, because they care about people, and they can confront the ugliness of failure, of inconsistency, unfairness, and do this "on a budget".

Just before I was hospitalized, I had been on a seminar, discovering "who I really was". It turns out that I am who I want to be, even after reconstructing myself, first on a psychological level in session, and then after amnesia, by electing who and what I would be, again, through feedback which at first was a completely alien environment. In this seminar, I had decided I would be the person who takes better care of himself, so that I would be capable of taking better care of others around me, and then I was nearly struck dead, and shown the limits of what I can do for myself, and where I simply have to surrender control and trust in the good nature and competence of others.

I received a phone call, about a week ago, from some people who are doing a followup study I agreed to be a part of, checking on my psychological and physical recovery after acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS). It was a pleasure to answer their questions, because my recovery seems complete. The lady told me it was a pleasure to talk to me, because my ATTITUDE was so much better than most of the people she got to talk to, and whose outcome was usually worse than mine. Of course, my attitude might only be a result of having such an outcome, but I don't think that's true. I think it's the other way around. I think things could have been much worse for me, had I been unwilling to keep trying to get out of bed, to make myself eat when I wasn't hungry, to walk another block today (or in the beginning, just to stand up completely, and close my eyes, and trust myself to stay upright, which didn't always work, but I still had to have that "trust"). I pushed myself really hard to get back to work, before they were really ready to have me back, they were unsure I was going to be okay. When I got back, I saw the emails that had been going around the office about me. Things like "if you believe in God, it's time to pray for Kevin", or "when he comes back, we may all have to make a special effort to help him reacclimatize, he may need to take short shifts", that sort of thing. I took a half day my first day back, but insisted on full days and a full schedule after that. I was completely exhausted, even before going to work. I could have stayed in bed, I had SSI benefits paying my bills, and everyone was telling me to take it easy. Death is easy. All you have to do is stop trying, really. Trying alone won't save you, having a positive attitude won't save you, but they both contribute to your CHANCES.

When I could get out of bed alone, I did. Before I could walk, I could dance, and I did, by myself, in a bathrobe, for as long as I could (and mostly to the soundtrack of the movie SuperBad, btw). I'm very glad for this shift I've experienced, and for the new chances I have. I'm very glad I could change my attitude, and that it could help me to do so. Most of all, I'm glad that I renewed my faith in my fellow people. I had become very cynical, and I think it was disabling me from making new efforts in life. I now have a renewed belief that I can do things, that things should be done, and I've arrogated the right to make such decisions and operate on them, with or without the agreement and support of others, even if it violates what they think is right.

While you are alive, people, remember to enjoy it. Anything you can enjoy, go and DO IT, because doing so makes you stronger, and because you may not get as many chances as you might think you'll be offered, and they may not be offered on conditions you want to have to accept.

Oh, yeah, and get insurance. Better yet, vote for national health insurance. Having to worry about who is going to care for you, while you cannot care for yourself, and whether or not you can afford it, is brutal.

I believe luck is a high theta endowment, And you're one lucky
bastard. :)
 

gomorrhan

Gold Meritorious Patron
I agree with you on this. Attitude does make all the difference. In my experience, at least. I have survived cancer, and a heart attack. The cancer cost me my right lung. I recovered from both experiences. The cancer was the hardest, and the emotional shock is what lead to me falling into the trap of Co$. But even that I recovered from. Because I wanted to recover.

I don't often think back to the specifics of those times. But your description reminded me of those times. It was probably one of my most 'in PT' times. Confronting the moment and all the crazy things going on that needed my attention.

And mostly not wanting others to be affected by what I was going through. I didn't want my condition to be a burden on anyone else, which created an attitude of 'psychological' self reliance. I certainly needed others physically.



Those experiences taught me a lot. Which is why, I think, that I could just walk away from Co$ and pick up the pieces reasonably quickly earlier this year. I had had practice. And that practice had taught me that life was worth pursuing (which is also at the core of why I got involved in Scientology in the first place).

And insurance is so important. In Australia we have general health insurance paid through taxes. You can also get private, but I didn't have that. I was covered for all my expenses. It was helpful not having that to worry about.

Thanks for your post, gomorrhan.

Neo

You are quite welcome. It's interesting to me that you found survival of cancer something which enabled you to walk away from Scientology. I'd like to hear more about that, if you would like to expand upon it. I think I got what you're saying, but I'd love some elaboration. I'd like to point out, again, that I don't think that my attitude was THE determining factor, only that it was one of the factors that I could control. Obviously, I can't control the skill of the doctors, the level of technology available at a Level 1 Trauma Center, etc. That, as Terril said, was pure luck (confluence of intentions of which I was not aware and couldn't, therefore, have a control or influence over, consciously).

I believe luck is a high theta endowment, And you're one lucky
bastard. :)

Thanks Terril. I think I was quite lucky. Another perspective is that I was quite unlucky to come down with the illness in the first place, but that a number of factors lined up in my defense and got me through. If it comes down to my adoption of one view or another, I choose "I'm lucky" over "woe is me" every time.
 

Neo

Silver Meritorious Patron
You are quite welcome. It's interesting to me that you found survival of cancer something which enabled you to walk away from Scientology. I'd like to hear more about that, if you would like to expand upon it. I think I got what you're saying, but I'd love some elaboration. I'd like to point out, again, that I don't think that my attitude was THE determining factor, only that it was one of the factors that I could control. Obviously, I can't control the skill of the doctors, the level of technology available at a Level 1 Trauma Center, etc. That, as Terril said, was pure luck (confluence of intentions of which I was not aware and couldn't, therefore, have a control or influence over, consciously).

Yes you are right, it is one of the factors involved in healing. Perhaps the most important one, or certainly one of the most important factors. I benefited greatly from having one of Australia's senior cancer specialist surgeons operating on me. The issue that Terril raised about luck comes to mind here. What I had was so rare that even the specialist had never actually seen this before. Only read about it in text books. Therefore I was put straight to the top of the list to be operated on, and by the best (because I was their guinea pig - so to speak). I guess if you have to have cancer, may as well be unique about it!

I had a month of testing at Hopsitals in Melbourne. Radiotherapy after the operation. All the physical side of recovery was guided for me by the doctors and other specialists involved. I didn't feel pushed or shoved around, but I did feel that they knew what they were doing and just let them do it. So my physical recovery went well. I didn't fight anyone - this is the attitude I mean. Let it happen, but 'want' to recover.

As for how it affected my Scientology experience - it was the lack of emotional and mental recovery steps within the system that I found hard to handle. The physical was taken care of. Then I fell apart emotionally. By 'luck' (?) I ended up reading Dianetics, and got involved in Scientology as a result. I had learnt by this stage that I was a survivor, but I was somewhat confused by other issues. I had hoped that Scientology could help me there.

By the time I allowed myself to see that Scientology wasn't helping me, almost 5 years had passed, and I had to call on my previous experience (particularly the cancer one) and be prepared to step out, knowing that I was a survivor, and I wanted to live life (and Scientology was actually getting in the way of that). No one wants to be wrong. Would leaving Scientology be making myself wrong? I guess I had to choose between what it was I wanted to be right (Scientology) and what I knew was actually right (my ability to survive difficult situations). Whether the future would 'play ball' was another matter.

Getting cancer shattered a stable datum for me. I was young and that was NOT meant to happen. Leaving Scientology also shattered a stable datum too. Perhaps these are the similarities?

Neo
 

gomorrhan

Gold Meritorious Patron
Sounds like those are the similarities, indeed.

I found it interesting that your illness was rare, and no one had seen it before. My experience was similar, although my doctor had seen ONE case before, during his residency. The reason it took so long for me to be diagnosed and treated properly was that the cause for my condition was actually UBIQUITOUS (legionelle is in all water, from my reading), but people of my age just don't get sick from it unless they have AIDS, or some other immunocompromising condition, which I didn't. As soon as they figured out what I had, it became much more likely that I'd survive, and the treatments they used were much more targeted, and I started to come around. What was miraculous/"lucky" was that I survived long enough for them to discover what was wrong. Legionnairre's Disease can kill in as little as 24 hours once the symptoms show up, and I started having symptoms about four days before I got to the hospital, and they didn't figure out what was wrong until I'd been in the hospital for about ten days more. That's why the doctors were amazed I was alive, and amazed by my recovery. Not because people can't survive such an illness, but normally they don't survive without immediate care and quick diagnosis. I did have a huge team that provided the care, and I was high on the list of the specialists to look at me, because, like in your case, my illness was unusual, as was my survival.
 

nexus100

Gold Meritorious Patron
Sounds like those are the similarities, indeed.

I found it interesting that your illness was rare, and no one had seen it before. My experience was similar, although my doctor had seen ONE case before, during his residency. The reason it took so long for me to be diagnosed and treated properly was that the cause for my condition was actually UBIQUITOUS (legionelle is in all water, from my reading), but people of my age just don't get sick from it unless they have AIDS, or some other immunocompromising condition, which I didn't. As soon as they figured out what I had, it became much more likely that I'd survive, and the treatments they used were much more targeted, and I started to come around. What was miraculous/"lucky" was that I survived long enough for them to discover what was wrong. Legionnairre's Disease can kill in as little as 24 hours once the symptoms show up, and I started having symptoms about four days before I got to the hospital, and they didn't figure out what was wrong until I'd been in the hospital for about ten days more. That's why the doctors were amazed I was alive, and amazed by my recovery. Not because people can't survive such an illness, but normally they don't survive without immediate care and quick diagnosis. I did have a huge team that provided the care, and I was high on the list of the specialists to look at me, because, like in your case, my illness was unusual, as was my survival.

FYI, Gom, my father had Legionaire's disease roughly 30 years ago. He is now 86, plays tennis twice a week, and I would not be surprised if he outliives me.
 

gomorrhan

Gold Meritorious Patron
That's good to hear, Nexus. I am no longer concerned about long term effects from that illness, even the bedsores on my feet finally healed early in July. Some people make complete recoveries. I'll bet your father's attitude is great. Anyone playing tennis at 86 has beaten all kinds of odds on all kinds of fronts. I have a step-father who is 73 who plays tennis and swims every day, and he's considered pretty anomalous in his neighborhood. His attitude is fantastic, he's tremendously engaged in his life, continuously learning, and travels all the time around the world. My mother is about 9 years younger than he, and finds herself constantly trying to keep up with him (she's pretty spry, too). I wouldn't be at all surprised if he outlives me, because he lives calorie-restricted, exercises so much, and consults regularly with his doctor. I'm, umm... not calorie-restricted... and don't exercise nearly enough, and the men in my family typically die of lung cancer somewhere in their late fifties and early sixties (but then again, they mostly were smokers until my generation). Who knows.
 
Top