Not a big story, but it's mine

[The_Fixer]

The dark side. The descent begins

One of my fellow apprentices that started with me was Link. His name was Paul Lincoln. He and his mate, Slim, had started up a bikie gang called the 45's.

Not totally outlaw, but no preachers welcome here either. The more cynical and anti social you were, the more welcome you were. If you were very violent, you could become a member, because you would have to be able to bash the Hell's Angels boys and the other myriad of gangs that were prevalent in South Auckland at the time who were the competiton.

The violence wasn't me, but I was drawn to the bad boy stuff. I was developing the tough talk, the attitude and drank like them. In other words I started to become a right wanker as well. I once watched a guy vomit into a saucepan that another dude was drinking beer out of and this other dude drank it all up, vomit and all. I remember thinking "maybe it's time to go home...". Mum wondered why I was home so early. When I told her what I just witnessed, she almost collapsed...

I knew I'd never be a proper bikie, so I ended up just being social with the guys in a limited fashion. The main reason I was drawn to them was that they just accepted me for who I was. Flawed like the rest of them. But they were human beings as well. Just had an extremely jaundiced view on life.

There was another apprentice (a fitter) by the name of Shane Murphy. He took me to a night club one night in Auckland City under the Town Hall, after a bit of a prior induction, we might say.

Have any of you native Aucklanders guessed yet where we went? ......Remember, this is 1975

 

[sallydannce]

Wasn't a native Aucklander, merely an immigrant for cult activities but I think I know the answer to this one...

If only I could remember the damn name!

It wasn't Mainstreet cos that was on the other side of the road if I remember rightly.

 

[The_Fixer]

I'll divert slightly, hopefully for a hitchcockinese (like that word?) move to maintain suspense..

In the meantime I had met another friend. Her name was Mary Jane. She smelt terrible, and tasted horrible. But I fell in love with her immediately.

I met her at work with my bikie mates and their dealer. I sampled her briefly and she hit me hard and fast. I was now in love and I wanted more...

Funds were limited, so I could only taste her occasionally. She would kill me if she could, but I had to stay strong enough to survive her and her other friends. I didn't know this at the time, but I was going to die sometime. The only question was when. Problem was that I was really enjoying this way of ending cycle.

She wasn't the jealous type. Both her and I were willing to share her with anyone who was interested. She was a real tart. Anybody's for a light up your smoke...

Back to the story. I'll continue this diversion later.

 

[Royal Prince Xenu]

...
Have any of you native Aucklanders guessed yet where we went? ......Remember, this is 1975

Did it have something to do with a 200-question "personality test"?

 

[Lurker5]

Still here

Still here and still listening Good story, good telling of it, Fix.
And ya had me going for a bit with Mary Jane . . . Ooooh, THAT Mary J.

 

[The_Fixer]

OK, so where we went was to a nightclub.

I can't say if I ever knew the name of it, but it was run by the Gay Liberation Front. Yes, it was a gay nightclub. No, neither of us were gay.

Shane told me they were a pretty wild bunch and it attracted lots of straight girls. That last bit interested me. I sort of remember asking him before we went if I was going to have any, well you know, trouble with these guys.

He just told me told be up front if they came on to you that you weren't gay and all should be fine. OK.

So I must admit I felt quite nervous when we got there. It didn't take long to settle in. The atmosphere was quite electric, music was good and loud. Looking around I could see guys and girls in all sorts of unusual fashions. It was a cacohphony of colours and people and I had never experienced anything like it before. Watching guys kiss each other on the lips was rather disconcerting though.

Shane introduced a few of his mates, mostly the gay types. I also found out that night that gay in the community also meant those who lived the fashion and the lifestyle and were usually dressed flamboyantly. Not as women as such, but obviously not as straight men do.

At the end of the night we were all invited back to their house to continue the party, which we took up.

 

[The_Fixer]

We had a great night. There were no women present. These guys had an audio visual room to play music in which was quite an experience in itself.

I won't go into the details of the room, other than to say it was impressive and the stereo was a product of the almighty. There was plenty of Mary J to go around and alcohol flowed freely.

I began to see these guys as a pretty courageous bunch, as they just allowed themselves to be who they were and they didn't care what others thought. This was the mid 70's and it was still dangerous to be publically gay even though public opinion was turning. Strangely enough, I found myself respecting these guys to some degree.

They had more courage than the bikie boys. Those guys were terrified of being themselves and showing any potential weakness to the mob. I discovered that individually the guys were for the most part fairly good blokes, but in the mob they were assholes - because they were too scared to be anything else.. They only had one answer for everything: "I'LL F*$KEN BASH YA!". Over the years, I have come to the realisation that most of them were latent homosexuals in deep denial as well.

Looking back, I found I was finding it increasingly difficult to relate to the mainstream population. I mainly socialised and was part of that other population known as the "Fringe Dwellers". I was oddly comfortable there.

Now I was part of the drug scene, the gay scene, bikie scene (now that I knew guys from several gangs) and I flitted from one to the other as suited at the time.

But I was never one of any of them. Never could join any particular group and be committed to them. Just wanted to be friends. This was where I was finding acceptance.

Slowly, I descended deeper into drugs. My mates (!) and I would get together at another guys place and share the reefers and pop Pink Floyd on the stereo and become semi comatose for the next hour or so.

The guys I shared this time with were a bunch of Customs officers and a probation officer who happened to be gay and kept trying it on for me - sigh! Welcome to the seventies! Crazy days.

 

[The_Fixer]

Did it have something to do with a 200-question "personality test"?

Er, that was at a much later date...

 

[Royal Prince Xenu]

Shane told me they were a pretty wild bunch and it attracted lots of straight girls.

Straight girls tend to like Gay clubs/bars because they can go out in groups with a reasonable expectation that guys aren't going to hit on them.

 

[The_Fixer]

That's quite correct, RPX. Despite the promising potential, delivery was extremely poor and I learned to give up on that angle. Sigh, maybe I was gonna be a virgin for life........ <

 

[The_Fixer]

On a lighter note, thought you guys might enjoy this little diversion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0hAUN4bYVk

I could relate quite well to it.

In a strange sort of way, this is sometimes the kind of thing I get watching TV with the sound off.

 

[The_Fixer]

Coming to a head

As I said just before...

Now I was part of the drug scene, the gay scene, bikie scene (now that I knew guys from several gangs) and I flitted from one to the other as suited at the time. The thing was, I was not one of any of these types (except druggie), so I wasn't one of any of them. Still an outsider.

Xmas 1975. I was away on holidays with another mate camping for 2 weeks. We met up with a dude who was an ex Hell's Angel. He was OK because he wasn't with his gang. He had his dad's boat and we did some water skiing. Most of our time was in the pub, which was 35k's away from the campground. Then we drove home with supplies about 5pm.

At the end of our holiday we looked out of the back of our tent and counted what we had brought back with us. 48 cartons of tall bottles of beer over 2 weeks between 2 of us. After drinking all day at the pub and driving that distance home, we consumed a dozen bottles a night each. I was 19. I could never drink like that normally, never did again.

Then it all started to get a little scary.

At our camping ground we got friendly with a couple of Highway 61 guys. This was the year that the Hell's Angels decided to do a hit on one of the 61 boys they had some beef with. They ended up hitting the wrong guy. But only because the guy they wanted wasn't there, so they decided they had to hit someone. Blew his head off literally with a sawn off shotgun whilst he was tripping out on acid and couldn't really move. Heil the brave Angels (hah!). His name was Daniel (can't remember his last name), a maori guy. He was qutie popular in the group and his death went down hard. There was talk of vengeance in the air. Open warfare was almost inevitable.

The police pulled the Angels in. Hooky, the ringleader, ended up getting off scot free. The other 4(?) were tried and jailed. For premeditated murder, the most any guy served was 18 months in prison. Go figure. Wanna meet a real SP? Talk to Hooky. Him and Charles Manson would have been mates. I ended up meeting Hooky and his brother Danny a couple of years later. They were Eddie Hamilton's mates.

Crazy Days? They were becoming totally insane...

A little later the drug scene started getting rough. Some of the upper dealers were being set up for big deals, like a garbage bag full of hooch, and meeting in a quiet alley in the city. The customer would check out the goods and being satisfied, would produce a gun and shoot the dealer dead. He got the drugs for free then. After a while the dealers girlfriends would start packing guns in their handbags.

This was in New Zealand, and at this time even the police didn't carry guns. This would indicate the perceived dangers the dealers felt in the drug scene. This time was also the period where Terry Clarke, aka Mr Asia was coming into his own, for those who know of the "Underbelly" TV series. I was around his area, but I cannot remember if I ever met him. He certainly looked familiar.

I started meeting more and more of these types of characters and it was getting to be unsettling. I think now that maybe I subconciously knew it was a matter of time before I became a target to one of these fellows. Either that, or I would be cornered into performing one of their nefarious deeds, a prospect I didn't relish.

 

[Royal Prince Xenu]

On a lighter note, thought you guys might enjoy this little diversion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0hAUN4bYVk

I could relate quite well to it.

In a strange sort of way, this is sometimes the kind of thing I get watching TV with the sound off.

I actually saw this on the teev! It reminds me of the scene in The Pretender where Broots is talking about having lent his Karaoke machine to Manny the tongueless mute who worked in "Communications".

 

[The_Fixer]

What I didn't realise at the time was the descent spiral was speeding up.

I sensed that the characters I was getting to know were getting more dark natured. It was only a matter of time before I became a servant, pawn or victim to them. I only realise this in later years. At the time I was simply getting uneasy.

So I began to withdraw and become more reclusive. I almost lived in my bedroom. By this time it took 2 joints to myself to get my hit. I had began to move onto hash and oil as Mary J was not good enough any more. My room was a safe place as no one bothered me there. There was a little TV which I watched whilst listening to the stereo with my headphones on.

There were only one or two friends left from my old days as another person and they were finding it hard to relate to me as I was almost permanently stoned.

 

[The_Fixer]

About this time one of my old friends (a nurse whom I introduced to a mate of mine and eventually married) took on a lodger. Her name was Karen Shaw. She was attractive and we got along. After about a month or so we got deeper into it and we consummated our relationship. I was almost 21 and she was 19. This was my first time and I was totally hooked on her.

It was just after I met Eddie Hamilton.

This was it for me. A new beginning. To my regret, I introduced her to Mary J. Eventually she had to go away to deal with her family issues down south. This was the last time I saw her.

I got in thicker with Eddie and drifted into Scientology. Karen was getting harder to reach communication wise. Granted, I was still pretty thick then.

With all that was going on, I was still hoping to get Karen on board with me. We had already agreed to get married. I know I was keen. In a sense, this is probably what kept that last little bit of isolation between Scientology and myself. I had already mentioned that I was interested in Scio, but looking back, I guess that must have spooked her. I was too thick at the time to think anything. Simply because most communication stopped abut then.

I think I must have sensed that things weren't going as they should, as other things in life started to happen.

1) I met Karyn Rodgers.
2) I also met Vyvian, Eddie Hamilton's future wife.

Karyn was a very good friend to me. It went a little physical at times, but it wasn't an actual relationship in that way.

Vyvian was different.

Eddie had joined SO and had gone to Flag in Sydney for training. This was the last time I saw him.

Vyvian was sharing a house with a bunch of other scios, Karyn, a couple of others and Rangi, a 16 year old maori boy who had just joined SO. That's a story in itself.

I went to see my friends one day, but only Vyv was home. She welcomed me like a playmistress would. ???. She wore this sarong and it was to a point, revealing.

She lay down on the verandah in the sun in front of me. I noticed that she was wearing no underwear. The sarong was quite short and I could see right up up it. How did she not know that? All nonchalance, she was. Then she went to the toilet in full view of me with the door open. It was a manupulative display and I was too naive to understand it was a game of tease and she was enyoying it.

She never took it further than that, claiming her loyalty was promised to Eddie and I was tempted, but couldn't push the point, because it was going against my good friend. I can't say what would have happened if either of us had pushed it, but I was sorely tempted.

I was being played yet again and I was too thick to realise it.

A short apology here, as my timelines are starting to get a little mixed up at this point. This part is around my goodbye to scio point.

 

[The_Fixer]

My sort of epiphany?

So now I was doing cannabis in all its forms, along with a trip, other substitutes and coke. I had this thought: "No Needles".

Eddie subtly reminded me that it's not the method that gets you, it's the drug! D'oh....didn't think of that!

One day I asked my customs officer mate to see if he could get me some heroin to try.

This was during yet another grass drought and only smack was freely available. I wasn't keen on LSD, because of all the negativity about 'bad trips'. But I was willing to try smack. Go figure...

This "Dumb Prick of the Decade award goes to.......".

Anyway, Kim couldn't get any, or said he couldn't.

After a few days, it hit me. What the F**K am I doing? Then I began to realise just how hooked I was. Time to quit.

Took me about 3 months to get through it going cold turkey. Man I thought I would go totally insane. But I eventually made it.

This was about the time I started to read Dianetics and went into Scientology. Its anti drug stance was of great support to me at the time.

 

[The_Fixer]

Where am I?

Karen, the girl I was intending to marry was living back in her hometown helping her family work their issues. At least, that was her story. I hadn't seen her for a month or two. She wasn't even keeping in contact much. Obviously, I still hadn't got the message yet.

My emergence from the world of drugs was like walking into a limbo world. There was no wall of drugs to hide behind. After all this time, it comes as a very disconcerting feeling.

I was jittery and really unsteady on my feet, so to say. Most of my friends were now distant because I wasn't one of them anymore and not to be trusted. My friends of days gone by had either moved on or kept their distance because of where I had been. Life was starting over again.

That's about when Eddie and I joined up with the church. We were both sold on the promise of salvation. Great, a new distraction. We both plunged headfirst into this....

This is about where I started my story. For a while my world was going great. Too busy to think. Too busy for my day job as well. I finished my apprenticeship, quit the Railways and tried to do things other ways.

By this time I was living on the edge of the city at Herne Bay. It was good to get away from home and live with the other churchies in this huge house split up into apartments. Rent was cheap, but it still took cash to pay it. Once I had to give up my room for a few weeks for a girl by the name of Vicky of SO based at Flag, Sydney. This was 1978 and I think she was attached to the GO or HCO (my memory is uncertain here). It amazed me how much that girl could sleep. She didn't seem to have much of a sense of humour about her either. Now I know more I guess I can see why.

Eventually I found a temporary job at Auckland Technical Institute setting up some equipment there. It was a good job and not far from where I lived.
Unfortunately I was only turning up every second day or so, much to my boss's chagrin. Now there was more time to work at the church.

Eddie joined SO, which surprised me a bit because he had a history of LSD use and had done the Primal Scream Therapy workshop, along with meditation, all grounds for ineligibility for SO enrolment. I often wondered how he got through. Then I joined too. Albert McGraw signed me up (thanks to you all who gave me his name).

This was a time of great turmoil and confusion for me and I may be getting some of my event timelines a bit muddled, so please bear with me here.

After about a year, the cracks were beginning to show.

 

[The_Fixer]

Under Pressure.

Pressure was building. All the people I was friendly with were moving away or too busy. The social scene was diminishing, the work hours getting longer and harder.

One day a whole bunch of people at the org were suddenly "clear". LRH had re-defined Clear and suddenly heaps of people were clear with not a lot of auditing. Admittedly, I was a little jealous. Alright, maybe more than a little...

There was not much time for study and very little for auditing. I was never upstat for long enough to accrue much in the way of auditing credits. So auditing was also out. I wasn't working much either, which means my living standard was difficult at the best of times.

I was always aware that we all had to be careful of what we said to each other. I remembered the comm ev over a guy could Carl who ended up being declared. Carl was a street jewellery vendor by day and was, I think, on public lines. I was called to give evidence on him. There wasn't anything that I could say. I knew him, but nothing about him that could be said at the time. I always remember him as being a fairly decent bloke. This was my introduction to the other side of the Scientology system. It was all hush hush, no talking about it and final. There was a big uproar about it all, but it was swept away quietly. I still don't really know what it was all about.

The effect it had on me at the time was - who is safe?

Money was running out fast. I couldn't afford to stay in anymore. There was no one I could really talk to without creating a bigger problem. So I just held it all in and kept going.

One night, I managed to call Karen from the church (all OK'd and prepaid) at her hometown. I wanted to see her again. The call didn't go as I hoped and it dawned on me that she was with someone else and that was it.

It all hit me like a sledgehammer. The next night at home I found a bottle of cough medicine and drank it. It was all over now and I couldn't face anymore pressure. I didn't care if it was dangerous to me, I needed that wall to hide behind. Needless to say I couldn't make post that night and I was called in to face the music.

Julie Lawry got into me a bit and assigned me to a lower condition (doubt?). I sat at my desk the next night and just stared out the window onto the city street all blank. Someone called Julie over and she pulled me back into her office.

She got some of the story out of me and strangely enough she apologised to me for not picking up the bad indicators when she assigned me and was going to cancel it. I wasn't expecting that. We talked a little more and I said I had to find a job somewhere and get some money together. At that time it meant moving away as city jobs were fairly scarce at that time. Then she told me to start looking and she could arrange a leave of absence.

I have to hand it to Julie, she was a great and compassionate person. I now realise that this attitude from her was really a big no no from the church's viewpoint. But I was also useless to the church without money.

Someone had put a new lightbulb in at the end of the tunnel.

 

[The_Fixer]

A new light shines.

I soon found a job down at Turangi which was about 200km's away. I was employed on a power development project. My berthing was in the singles camp. Our sheets were exchanged for fresh ones every week and food was at the mess hall and of a great standard. Especially considering how I was living until now.

I got all approvals completed by the church, packed up my gear and loaded up onto my motorbike and headed south. I was excited by the prospect of a new beginning, but worried about leaving the church behind.

Gradually, I settled in and made some new friends. No one knew of my past and I wouldn't discuss much of it. After a few weeks working I had saved enough to get a car - a 1959 Plymouth Belvedere. A massive yank tank.

This in itself was a new beginning getting something for myself and not blowing it on church crap. It was for me. The car was a heap of crap, but it was mine. With it came new independence and a new life.

Every couple of weeks I would drive back to Auckland to visit family and friends and check in at the church. Things were changing. People were getting more serious natured.

In actual fact, it wasn't the people who were changing. It was me. Getting back in touch with the everyday world and I was beginning to see these church people and how they were living as to how it really was. I started to shy away. Because I was no longer part of the battle with them, it was becoming difficult for us to relate to each other.

So I drifted back to the wog world. I limited my visits to a couple of close friends, mostly out of loyalty. There was no discussion about life outside scientology, especially from me as I sort of knew what crap it would bring down on them, once it was found out.

I would smoke some weed on the rare occasions, but its lure was not the same anymore. I was a different person now and felt I didn't need to go down that road anymore. I preferred to go down to the pub every Wednesday night and have a couple of beers with the mates.

Life was definitely improving. I wasn't saving much at all. This time I was getting friends who weren't into gangs and/or anti-social. Just everyday people. I became good friends with an ex Hells Angel, Glenn (Snake). He was no longer carrying the gang psyche. I used to take him back to Auckland with me sometimes and we go travelling around our area in between times.

My visits back to town would usually end up keeping clear of most of my old lifetime and not getting to involved with the church.

One visit back, I caught up with an old girl friend (Not girlfriend) and we started to get a little closer. She was moving to Australia in a month or two. Would I like to come to?

The whole idea stopped me in my tracks. It was time to evaluate and make some decisions. I decided to give it a go and join them a couple of months later.

 

[The_Fixer]

Brave New World

By now, I knew I was avoiding going back to the church again. I knew it wasn't right anymore and I had nothing left to give. It was only the few friends I was keeping in touch with. Going into the church was becoming more and more uncomfortable. My friends knew nothing as I wasn't letting on. In a sense I was protecting them from future fallout because of me.

March,1979. D-Day has arrived. I quit the job in Turangi and went back to Auckland to prepare my move to Australia.

I visited Karyn Rodgers and said goodbye to her in my own way, without letting on. I felt so guilty about it. I couldn't see another option, as I knew she was still committed to the church.

Two days later I left for Australia. I never went back to Scientology. I know now that I never will either. I have been to NZ a few times on holidays, but I can't live there again. The past reminders have too powerful an effect on me. My wife sys I'm like a bear with a sore head when I get back for a few weeks. I know I'll have to deal with it sometime.

I never really spoke to anyone (save for a select few) about being in scientology. I knew I had been duped and felt like a right idiot and suitably embarrassed.

I stumbled across these ex Scios and anti Scio websites just a few years ago. I couldn't tell my story until now as I really found it hard to confront my past without it burning my soul, if you like. I now realise that my story is just a drop in this ocean that LRH created.