Re: Crisis of Conscience
There are some moments in one's life where the difference in life direction to be taken is not subtle, and often cannot be reversed. One way points to integrity, the other straight down into hell.
This is about one such moment around Aug-Sep 2002, while I was under the spell of an implant (the Jan 2002 - 2-3 intensives of reverse Scientology as "rollback") and getting tremendous pressure to "smash the squirrels".
There was a mutual friend of Mike (Laws) and I, who had not "disconnected" from a group of "OTs" and friends in the Dallas field mutiny of 2001-2002.
He had a wife who was trying to stay in good standing so she could continue up the Bridge (same-type situation that caused my wife in Costa Rica to disconnect).
Now even though this guy was not actually causing any trouble or "enturbulating" anyone (the reason I tended to leave him alone) these connections were reported and known up-lines, and I would actually go out Saturday morning and spy on this group ("the breakfast club") to see if this guy was keeping his promise not to meet with them there.
He was (keeping his word to me).
So I was not very much in agreement with the demands coming from up-lines to Comm-Ev (Scio kangaroo court) him and I was continually getting yelled at for being "reasonable" (Hubbard-speak for "thinking when you should be obeying orders").
So I finally presided over the Comm-Ev, eager to get back in "good-standing" with my seniors and show them that maybe I wasn't "cold-chrome-steel", but I wasn't a w.o.o.uusss...
This guy did a great job with me and at the Comm Ev (though I was not there in person - the "in-charge" only gets the reports and does the paperwork) defending his reasoning with early LRH writings (free speech, free association, was once protected and encouraged) but he was found guilty of "failing to disconnect from knowing and avowed SPs."
Then I was told to declare him.
The same young, pretty auditor from OSA Int (Tara?) that had put me through 2-3 intensives of one listing question only "Who told you it was not okay to apply the PTS/SP tech?" (which left me a raving fanatic, on a tear to find SPs - only saving grace being that in my basic goodness I became very careful about finding the "real" SP, for reasons I am about to disclose). This same girl, on "mission" again with a different I/C this time, came into my office late at night (I was staying after 'post' as usual, trying to 'catch up' on my backlog of administration for the Fuhrer) and closed the door, sat down in my chair with me - yes, in my chair.
As I fought to catch my breath, she demonstrated that my Win 98 on my little, old, used laptop, was "out-security" because she could bypass my password (a fact I was not previously aware of) and I was now also in a somewhat compromising position of being "out-security" (a crime of magnitude in the OSA network, especially).
She also revealed that the FBO knew how to bypass my office lock, and that they had done so while I was away!
("Spying on the spies" - reminds me of our government!)
To make a long story short here (since the point to all this is the decision I had to eventually make)...
No, we did not go "out-2D" (LOL!)
But the whole idea was to get me to type up an SP declare, which I did (and probably never would have without this interesting ploy - whether spontaneous or planned, I may never know).
I sent this up-lines with her as courier (interesting, never thought of this, but she was flying back the next day). This guy's wife caught word of the impending SP declare on her husband, and she called me in a panic.
Still under the spell, I had since then, not stopped to think about the implications being pointed out.
I went into shock.
I WAS ABOUT TO BREAK UP A FAMILY.
They had kids!
I told her I would see what I could do. I called the International Justice Chief (highly unusual and frowned upon to call your superiors). I happened to get an IJC assistant on the phone. Yes, the SP declare was approved and on the desk about to be issued. I pleaded (in the same calm, tactful way that you might do in front of a judge at your life sentencing) to put the declare on hold - that I had "additional data" now that would make it unnecessary.
Enter Mike Laws. I do not remember exactly how it came about, but I do think that I called him right away. I needed to get "evidence" that this guy would disconnect. I think I told him about the SP declare (but you have to realize, and Mike may or may not have known this, but he was on a hot OSA security list and I was to handle him with "extreme caution" if at all, and not in any case, ever reveal to him any of what OSA was doing). Mike said he would try.
Mike got back to me. He had obtained a promise not to associate with the declared SP in question. He actually was being asked to cut the lines with a guy who owed him a lot of money, so he was taking quite a hit, but then, his marriage was at stake, and he knew it.
The dust cleared. The SP declare was successfully withdrawn. The marriage endured for a few more years while two young boys got to live with their Dad under the same roof. (He was never declared, but the situation made it impossible for her to get in session at Flag and was the source of continuing strain on the marriage.)
It was a moment of indescribable horror for me. I still break down in tears when I relive it. Oddly enough, not for what I done, but for how close I came to the doing!
But the fact that I woke up for that one moment and freaked out at being at the edge of a moral cliff - participating in destroying a family by enforcing Hubbard's rules! - that changed me forever.
After that, I never handled matters of justice in any way than to protect people from the insane, contradictory rules which I realized could be twisted by anyone, anywhere. I became an expert in OEC Vol. 1 and the Ethics book and I saved many a decent person from ruin thereafter. There was one exception after that, in which I over-reacted to someone I caught lying to me, but actually a good effect was created in the end (though she probably still hates me) - she got away from the org! (I'll tell that one later.)
It seems unfair in the scheme of things, that the same thing happened to me some years later, and I was not given the chance to get my wife back. But as Mr. Anderson famously said in the Orientation film:
WELCOME TO SCIENTOLOGY!
Oh! 
Oh, Stop, you! 
(Everybody I like gets a nickname! 
)
Glad you joined us! 
Watchful Navigator!!
(So happy you're having fun w/ the new toys, too)
Congratulations and I'm sooooooooooo happy you're OUT! 
happened re *that*, since I escaped out
was beating people up mercilessly for... (what was that for?) 
Not so-----wayyyyyyyyyyyyy worse, and yes, we see you, "Dave". 
<<< be willing to experience
to ALL here
to ALL (and yeah...I'm big on emoticons/ It could be worse: I could be quoting 
