Ever since I saw the final episode of the most amazing TV series ever made (IMO) - 6 Feet Under - I've been wanting to use this phrase:
Everything. Everyone. Everywhere. Ends.
The one big lesson I learned from watching 6 Feet Under is that no matter who or what you are, or even what you believe - everything comes to an end. It is the cycle of life. Without death there cannot be new beginnings and new life.
This year is rapidly coming to and end which means I am approaching my 10 year anniversary of leaving Scientology (which was March 2001). I've now officially been out longer than I was in. This 19 year period of having Scientology as a major part of my existence (either in Scn or recovering from it) is just under 50% of my life. This is far too long.
I started ESMB because *I* needed it. Some people think I did this altruistic thing only out of care for my fellows, and while there certainly was a part of me that wanted to help others (and I still do), I started it because I needed to speak freely and hear others speak freely about their experiences, their upsets, their joys and frustrations regarding their involvement in Scientology. I wanted to meet others and unburden myself and offer advice & encouragement to others and allow others that same opportunity.
ESMB has been successful beyond my wildest dreams. When I was planning the board I thought I might end up with 100 or so people (most of whom I already knew) and we would just hang around and shoot the shit without the constrictions and annoyances of ARS and OCMB (neither were very "ex" friendly at the time). I am very glad I did it and I'm happy that it has helped people and provided the opportunity for people to unstick themselves and move forward with their lives.
But now it is me that needs to move forward.
I've reached a point where I can no longer tolerate having Scientology define any part of me or be an active force in my life. I need this to end. I need to walk away and not look back. If I was just a member of ESMB I'd do a "goodbye" post and never log on again. But in my position I just can't do that.
Some of you know me and know that I've struggled with this decision for quite a long time. Had it not been for the arrival of Carmel, Feral, Scooter etc and the exciting things they were doing Down Under, I may not have done the last donation drive in October 09 and renewed the server for another 12 months.
For ESMB to be the kind of board I wanted it to be, it needs constant care, attention, love and maintenance. I have been very sloppy in these things for some time now and I feel the result of this is that the board is moving in a direction that is not under my control. And while I don't like it, I have no energy or determination left in me to try and change it.
ESMB is no longer the board I wanted it to be. I realise that this is mainly through my own neglect. I just don't have the stomach for it anymore. I have loads of unanswered PMs and emails that I can't even look at out of pure lack of interest. This isn't fair to those who want & need an active administrator - and especially one who cares.
So where does this leave us?
The hosting for ESMB is paid for until mid December 2010. ESMB will continue to operate until that time. You guys paid for it and you shall get what you paid for. I was always blown away by the generosity of ESMBers to pay for the hosting and shall always be grateful for it.
This leaves us with 4 months.
As I see it there are two options:
1. Someone takes the opportunity to start a new board and announces it to everyone and there will be a mass move across to the new "home". I know there have been people who have wanted to start a board of their own but felt it wouldn't be able to compete or didn't want to compete with ESMB. Now there is the chance for someone to build a better board and to learn from my mistakes.
If this happens I will leave ESMB up on a cheap shared server for archive purposes for a couple of years so that the data doesn't get lost. The board will be inactive but the threads will still be able to be searched.
2. Someone takes over from me as ESMB administrator.
While this seems to be the most obvious choice, it is not the easiest option. I've tried to hand over ESMB to a few trusted people in the past and so far have not been successful. One reason this is not an easy option is because there is not an abundance of candidates. First I have to know and trust them completely. The back end of ESMB is full of your personal data (email addresses, IP addresses, passwords, PMs etc) and I'm not prepared to give it to just anyone.
Another reason is that a new administrator mustn't have an agenda. I mean no disrespect to active FZers, but I think I'd be risking having a pro FZ agenda creep into the board if someone from that camp took over, where in the past I have tried to keep it neutral. The same goes for activists. I never wanted ESMB to be an activist board and I don't want that agenda to be driving the board either.
The last, and probably most important criterion, is that they should be an Ex Scientologist, or someone who knows Scientology as well as an ex. Again I mean no disrespect to Anons, but having no experience in Scientology and running a board for exes isn't a good fit.
Finally, (and this is proving to be the hardest to find) they have to WANT to do it. Nobody in their right mind would take on this job
That I can totally understand.
This has been my dilemma for probably 18 months. I've always weighed up the pros & cons and it usually came out like this:
Emma has had enough (not that important) Vs Everyone who needs ESMB (very important)....... and that was enough to keep me going. But even that is not enough any more.
I'm really sorry. I know that will disappoint and even upset some people. I feel a bit like a home wrecker. This decision has not come easily for me. But like all big decisions in my life, once I've made it I'm unlikely to change it.
I'm quite emotional about doing this. ESMB is my baby and through its growth I have met some amazing people and witnessed incredible life changes as people began their recovery from Scientology. I wouldn't change this for anything.
ESMB has given me so much, sometimes I think I'm a fool to give it up. But in my heart I know it is the right decision for me....and probably me alone. It's selfish but I just can't adequately explain how much I need to let it go. I hope you can understand this, even in a small way.
If I started to thank all the people who have given me their love and support over the last (nearly) 4 years I'd be here all day and then risk leaving someone out. You know who you are. I'd have died a long time ago without you. Thank you.
I'll sign off from this post now before I get all emotional.
I do truly love each and everyone of you who have contributed to ESMB and wish all of you the best life has to offer.
Everything. Everyone. Everywhere. Ends.
The one big lesson I learned from watching 6 Feet Under is that no matter who or what you are, or even what you believe - everything comes to an end. It is the cycle of life. Without death there cannot be new beginnings and new life.
This year is rapidly coming to and end which means I am approaching my 10 year anniversary of leaving Scientology (which was March 2001). I've now officially been out longer than I was in. This 19 year period of having Scientology as a major part of my existence (either in Scn or recovering from it) is just under 50% of my life. This is far too long.
I started ESMB because *I* needed it. Some people think I did this altruistic thing only out of care for my fellows, and while there certainly was a part of me that wanted to help others (and I still do), I started it because I needed to speak freely and hear others speak freely about their experiences, their upsets, their joys and frustrations regarding their involvement in Scientology. I wanted to meet others and unburden myself and offer advice & encouragement to others and allow others that same opportunity.
ESMB has been successful beyond my wildest dreams. When I was planning the board I thought I might end up with 100 or so people (most of whom I already knew) and we would just hang around and shoot the shit without the constrictions and annoyances of ARS and OCMB (neither were very "ex" friendly at the time). I am very glad I did it and I'm happy that it has helped people and provided the opportunity for people to unstick themselves and move forward with their lives.
But now it is me that needs to move forward.
I've reached a point where I can no longer tolerate having Scientology define any part of me or be an active force in my life. I need this to end. I need to walk away and not look back. If I was just a member of ESMB I'd do a "goodbye" post and never log on again. But in my position I just can't do that.
Some of you know me and know that I've struggled with this decision for quite a long time. Had it not been for the arrival of Carmel, Feral, Scooter etc and the exciting things they were doing Down Under, I may not have done the last donation drive in October 09 and renewed the server for another 12 months.
For ESMB to be the kind of board I wanted it to be, it needs constant care, attention, love and maintenance. I have been very sloppy in these things for some time now and I feel the result of this is that the board is moving in a direction that is not under my control. And while I don't like it, I have no energy or determination left in me to try and change it.
ESMB is no longer the board I wanted it to be. I realise that this is mainly through my own neglect. I just don't have the stomach for it anymore. I have loads of unanswered PMs and emails that I can't even look at out of pure lack of interest. This isn't fair to those who want & need an active administrator - and especially one who cares.
So where does this leave us?
The hosting for ESMB is paid for until mid December 2010. ESMB will continue to operate until that time. You guys paid for it and you shall get what you paid for. I was always blown away by the generosity of ESMBers to pay for the hosting and shall always be grateful for it.
This leaves us with 4 months.
As I see it there are two options:
1. Someone takes the opportunity to start a new board and announces it to everyone and there will be a mass move across to the new "home". I know there have been people who have wanted to start a board of their own but felt it wouldn't be able to compete or didn't want to compete with ESMB. Now there is the chance for someone to build a better board and to learn from my mistakes.
If this happens I will leave ESMB up on a cheap shared server for archive purposes for a couple of years so that the data doesn't get lost. The board will be inactive but the threads will still be able to be searched.
2. Someone takes over from me as ESMB administrator.
While this seems to be the most obvious choice, it is not the easiest option. I've tried to hand over ESMB to a few trusted people in the past and so far have not been successful. One reason this is not an easy option is because there is not an abundance of candidates. First I have to know and trust them completely. The back end of ESMB is full of your personal data (email addresses, IP addresses, passwords, PMs etc) and I'm not prepared to give it to just anyone.
Another reason is that a new administrator mustn't have an agenda. I mean no disrespect to active FZers, but I think I'd be risking having a pro FZ agenda creep into the board if someone from that camp took over, where in the past I have tried to keep it neutral. The same goes for activists. I never wanted ESMB to be an activist board and I don't want that agenda to be driving the board either.
The last, and probably most important criterion, is that they should be an Ex Scientologist, or someone who knows Scientology as well as an ex. Again I mean no disrespect to Anons, but having no experience in Scientology and running a board for exes isn't a good fit.
Finally, (and this is proving to be the hardest to find) they have to WANT to do it. Nobody in their right mind would take on this job
That I can totally understand.This has been my dilemma for probably 18 months. I've always weighed up the pros & cons and it usually came out like this:
Emma has had enough (not that important) Vs Everyone who needs ESMB (very important)....... and that was enough to keep me going. But even that is not enough any more.
I'm really sorry. I know that will disappoint and even upset some people. I feel a bit like a home wrecker. This decision has not come easily for me. But like all big decisions in my life, once I've made it I'm unlikely to change it.
I'm quite emotional about doing this. ESMB is my baby and through its growth I have met some amazing people and witnessed incredible life changes as people began their recovery from Scientology. I wouldn't change this for anything.
ESMB has given me so much, sometimes I think I'm a fool to give it up. But in my heart I know it is the right decision for me....and probably me alone. It's selfish but I just can't adequately explain how much I need to let it go. I hope you can understand this, even in a small way.
If I started to thank all the people who have given me their love and support over the last (nearly) 4 years I'd be here all day and then risk leaving someone out. You know who you are. I'd have died a long time ago without you. Thank you.
I'll sign off from this post now before I get all emotional.
I do truly love each and everyone of you who have contributed to ESMB and wish all of you the best life has to offer.
You've provided that opportunity for so many others and now you get to enjoy it as well!
