Free to shine
Shiny & Free
My story is here on the board to read, I was a second generation scientologist. From the age of 14 my family life became indoctrinated with the scio way to think and 'handle' life issues. Even though I have publicly come out with my name, there is a vast amount I could tell and decided not to, for the sake of my family still affected. I don't say "still in" as there are only a few who are, "affected" is a much better description.
There comes a point where you just want to yell "Enough!"
I am the eldest of six siblings and we are not and have never been a close family unit. When my brothers and sisters were small, my parents were working or on staff and one brother was shipped off to the ship at age 15. I was also sent to the SO but luckily was offloaded as I was pregnant. I didn't ever get to know my siblings at all, I was off on staff as they were starting their teenage and adult lives and we rarely crossed paths. Nothing was more important than saving the planet and it is a terrible way to live a life. It wasn't that family ties were against the rules, it was more that the rules very effectively prevented it happening in the first place. In later years, when I was in my 20's, we did have something of a more normal life for a while, as my siblings and I tended to do a revolving door thing staying with our parents now and then, and they no longer worked on staff. This time seems to have given us just enough to maintain some family connections into the present.
My siblings are all scattered, and only a few live within reach of another. I doubt it would ever be possible to have a family gathering of us all, as some are overseas. I was talking to one of my sisters not long ago and it made me cry....here is this other lovely and similar person who came from the same place as me, and we have never been able to get to know each other, to support each other in a daily way, to experience the life milestones that we all experience. My siblings were raised within scientology values, most of us had student auditing from dad, and even though only a few did more and certainly don't now, I am sure they don't know exactly how that can affect them. "Good roads" is a long standing practice in my family and it becomes a habit. Oh, except for the brother who 'disconnected' from me for questioning his (despicable) moral standards, no doubt an influence of sexual awakening aboard the early scio ships.
I have a daughter - raised by my parents as my sister (long story) - who does not speak to me. Why? Apparently because simply being a critic of scientology is enough to totally and absolutely cut me out of her life, thoughts and future. We used to be as close as scientologists could be.... This of course is not an unusual story, it is what disconnection is all about. Some days I feel rage about it, some days I cry, some days I can simply let it go to be as it is. Today is not one of the latter.
I have a granddaughter who just turned 17, and except for being at her birth, a truly wonderful experience, there are very few times I have seen her. This was mostly because she lived interstate, and we were all doing the "good roads" thing that does not allow real communication. I think on some level it was known that I was "disaffected" despite my stellar performances to the contrary. I dread to think what this lovely young girl has been told about me, or her aunts, as we have all been taken off as Friends on Facebook now and there is no family connection at all with her. And as things stand, seemingly no possibility of it ever happening, even though her mother has now started doing "Good Roads" with her half sisters to present the appearance of no disconnection with them despite cutting them off for almost three years with no explanation.
My children have had so many things happen in their lives, as a direct result of scientology influences such as attitudes towards drugs, illness, "PTSness", O/Ws and so on. Having a father who told hilarious stories of his drug induced adventures in his earlier life and on the other hand sternly said "don't do drugs" had a predictable consequence. I won't go into that, they have suffered enough, I'll just say that two almost died from drugs and my ex husband is battling a serious illness. He doesn't have any contact with me of course, despite a 20 year marriage, I am simply the crazy critic ex. My kids have to walk on eggshells there was well, and that is an unnecessary burden for them. I wish him a return to health and happiness, I really do.
My dear elderly parents live on a pension, having sold two houses towards scientology bridges. They have nothing...and when my mother was seriously ill recently she was given the scientology "handle it or end cycle" discussion. It is unbelievable.
FOUR generations!
So much wasted time, so many missed opportunities, so much love and support that could have been shared. Should this get excerpted by OSA to show parts of to whoever, no doubt it could cause waves. I want a big enough wave to be forced to make someone honestly question whether a "PR Family" image is worth the loss of the real thing. Really, really ask yourself that question.
Family is about love and connection no matter what. That is not what scientology creates, in fact it is the opposite and I am a living example. Thankfully I have 2 of my kids who are free to live their own lives and talk about whatever they fancy, and free to be themselves. I hope that one day my parents, all my siblings, all my children and grandchild will also be free to do the same, in full awareness of those once hidden scientology attitudes that created this in the first place, and having the courage to not toe the party line. I hope that soon it will be weeks between the times I wake up in tears, having no way to reform the connections that have been severed or were never there. I can't go off and "live my life" as other survivours can, this is my life and it is every day.
/rant
(Don't worry, I do have effective ways of helping myself now, I am just sharing something as it comes up here, knowing there are others here in a similar position.)
__________________
There comes a point where you just want to yell "Enough!"
I am the eldest of six siblings and we are not and have never been a close family unit. When my brothers and sisters were small, my parents were working or on staff and one brother was shipped off to the ship at age 15. I was also sent to the SO but luckily was offloaded as I was pregnant. I didn't ever get to know my siblings at all, I was off on staff as they were starting their teenage and adult lives and we rarely crossed paths. Nothing was more important than saving the planet and it is a terrible way to live a life. It wasn't that family ties were against the rules, it was more that the rules very effectively prevented it happening in the first place. In later years, when I was in my 20's, we did have something of a more normal life for a while, as my siblings and I tended to do a revolving door thing staying with our parents now and then, and they no longer worked on staff. This time seems to have given us just enough to maintain some family connections into the present.
My siblings are all scattered, and only a few live within reach of another. I doubt it would ever be possible to have a family gathering of us all, as some are overseas. I was talking to one of my sisters not long ago and it made me cry....here is this other lovely and similar person who came from the same place as me, and we have never been able to get to know each other, to support each other in a daily way, to experience the life milestones that we all experience. My siblings were raised within scientology values, most of us had student auditing from dad, and even though only a few did more and certainly don't now, I am sure they don't know exactly how that can affect them. "Good roads" is a long standing practice in my family and it becomes a habit. Oh, except for the brother who 'disconnected' from me for questioning his (despicable) moral standards, no doubt an influence of sexual awakening aboard the early scio ships.
I have a daughter - raised by my parents as my sister (long story) - who does not speak to me. Why? Apparently because simply being a critic of scientology is enough to totally and absolutely cut me out of her life, thoughts and future. We used to be as close as scientologists could be.... This of course is not an unusual story, it is what disconnection is all about. Some days I feel rage about it, some days I cry, some days I can simply let it go to be as it is. Today is not one of the latter.
I have a granddaughter who just turned 17, and except for being at her birth, a truly wonderful experience, there are very few times I have seen her. This was mostly because she lived interstate, and we were all doing the "good roads" thing that does not allow real communication. I think on some level it was known that I was "disaffected" despite my stellar performances to the contrary. I dread to think what this lovely young girl has been told about me, or her aunts, as we have all been taken off as Friends on Facebook now and there is no family connection at all with her. And as things stand, seemingly no possibility of it ever happening, even though her mother has now started doing "Good Roads" with her half sisters to present the appearance of no disconnection with them despite cutting them off for almost three years with no explanation.
My children have had so many things happen in their lives, as a direct result of scientology influences such as attitudes towards drugs, illness, "PTSness", O/Ws and so on. Having a father who told hilarious stories of his drug induced adventures in his earlier life and on the other hand sternly said "don't do drugs" had a predictable consequence. I won't go into that, they have suffered enough, I'll just say that two almost died from drugs and my ex husband is battling a serious illness. He doesn't have any contact with me of course, despite a 20 year marriage, I am simply the crazy critic ex. My kids have to walk on eggshells there was well, and that is an unnecessary burden for them. I wish him a return to health and happiness, I really do.
My dear elderly parents live on a pension, having sold two houses towards scientology bridges. They have nothing...and when my mother was seriously ill recently she was given the scientology "handle it or end cycle" discussion. It is unbelievable.
FOUR generations!
So much wasted time, so many missed opportunities, so much love and support that could have been shared. Should this get excerpted by OSA to show parts of to whoever, no doubt it could cause waves. I want a big enough wave to be forced to make someone honestly question whether a "PR Family" image is worth the loss of the real thing. Really, really ask yourself that question.
Family is about love and connection no matter what. That is not what scientology creates, in fact it is the opposite and I am a living example. Thankfully I have 2 of my kids who are free to live their own lives and talk about whatever they fancy, and free to be themselves. I hope that one day my parents, all my siblings, all my children and grandchild will also be free to do the same, in full awareness of those once hidden scientology attitudes that created this in the first place, and having the courage to not toe the party line. I hope that soon it will be weeks between the times I wake up in tears, having no way to reform the connections that have been severed or were never there. I can't go off and "live my life" as other survivours can, this is my life and it is every day.
/rant
(Don't worry, I do have effective ways of helping myself now, I am just sharing something as it comes up here, knowing there are others here in a similar position.)
__________________
FTS 
You are not alone. 
