My story

[Bea Kiddo]

This may sound silly. I dont know. Something interesting happened to me. Really interesting.

I had a really really rough day at work on Tues. Really tough for me. And people around me, because of me.

That night it made me look at alot of things about myself.

And someone near me, who has a great big heart, and very little understanding about me, and my past, but has a very big heart. He was explaining to me that sometimes a person just needs to cry. And let it all out.

And it reminded me of the abortions. And I started to cry. And then I remembered all the people I have lost to cancer: Natalie, Erik, John, Allen, Carol... on and on....

And I cried and cried and cried. Over and over. And over and over... for hours. And I slept like a baby.

I have never ever done that. I have never experienced that.

So much emotion build up, repressed, stuck in me. Years and years of suppressing my emotions (except anger).... I let it all out.

And it felt so, so good. Weds was a wonderful day.

I feel like there will be more and more of it. I think it is excellent therapy for me.

I feel relieved. I feel so relaxed and calm.

A year after telling my story.... I think I am making some progress.

 

[alex]

This may sound silly. I dont know. Something interesting happened to me. Really interesting.

I had a really really rough day at work on Tues. Really tough for me. And people around me, because of me.

That night it made me look at alot of things about myself.

And someone near me, who has a great big heart, and very little understanding about me, and my past, but has a very big heart. He was explaining to me that sometimes a person just needs to cry. And let it all out.

And it reminded me of the abortions. And I started to cry. And then I remembered all the people I have lost to cancer: Natalie, Erik, John, Allen, Carol... on and on....

And I cried and cried and cried. Over and over. And over and over... for hours. And I slept like a baby.

I have never ever done that. I have never experienced that.

So much emotion build up, repressed, stuck in me. Years and years of suppressing my emotions (except anger).... I let it all out.

And it felt so, so good. Weds was a wonderful day.

I feel like there will be more and more of it. I think it is excellent therapy for me.

I feel relieved. I feel so relaxed and calm.

A year after telling my story.... I think I am making some progress.

:dancer: :dancer:

 

[Mick Wenlock]

bea,

I know how you feel.

There's a lot of emotion that we all go through on the way out of this pit.

Glad you slept well and feel better.

And, guess what? No stats today and we still get the weekend off...

Mick

 

[everfree]

I'm glad you feel better. Be well.

 

[nw2394]

This may sound silly....

It sounds cool.

Nick

 

[grundy]

And I cried and cried and cried. Over and over. And over and over... for hours. And I slept like a baby.

(After writing this, I realized I had to add definitions/explanations of words - they are parenthetical (in parenthesis))

THAT's alot of HE&R - GOOD ON YA! (australian expression that)

I think that's one of the most destructive things about being in the Sea Org.

You are taught to withhold emotion. If you get upset, you are told you are "dramatizing" (reliving or showing bad earlier behaviours and experiences) and "full of HE&R" (Human emotion and reaction) (these are considered very bad things).

If you ever started to cry on post because of stress, or anything that you are experiencing -HEAVEN FORFEND! (archaic synonym for forbid) - you would be taken off to an area where your "Entheta" (disturbed life force) (another derogatory in the Sea Org and Scn) wouldn't "enturbulate" (disturb the mind of) others. Then you would be the subject of "Ethics" and, if you were upset enough, "justice." Starting with a good scream from whomever is above you organizationally [including MAAs (sea org "ethics officers" responsible for ethics and morals of members and staff) - who only think they are gods].

Sometimes, you just need a good cry (a decidedly British phrasing on that).

 

[Tanstaafl]

Nice one Bea!

 

[Giuseppe]

And then I remembered all the people I have lost to cancer: Natalie, Erik, John, Allen, Carol... on and on....

And I cried and cried and cried. Over and over. And over and over... for hours. And I slept like a baby.

I have never ever done that. I have never experienced that.

Thank You, Bea.

Giuseppe knows his crying is coming and it sits inside Giuseppe and festers. Giuseppe suffered recent catastrophe and still have it all inside. Sometimes Giuseppe wants to let it out. But Giuseppe cannot do it unless Giuseppe is alone.

Giuseppe is sorry is stealing Bea's thunder, but I an sure Bea will understand.

Giuseppe hasn't had a single emotion since 1979. And that was when Giuseppe first saw his father for the first time after papa was declared. Giuseppe was pre-teen at the time, and had a very emotional response.

Giuseppe hasn't cried since that day, except once. And Giuseppe is always sad inside. Always.

Scientology took all emotion away from Giuseppe. Giuseppe lost someone VERY close to Giuseppe. Giuseppe feels nothing, most of the time. But Giuseppe knows this is a ticking time-bomb and is going to explode.

Giuseppe is very afraid.

 

[Bea Kiddo]

Thank You, Bea.

Giuseppe knows his crying is coming and it sits inside Giuseppe and festers. Giuseppe suffered recent catastrophe and still have it all inside. Sometimes Giuseppe wants to let it out. But Giuseppe cannot do it unless Giuseppe is alone.

Giuseppe is sorry is stealing Bea's thunder, but I an sure Bea will understand.

Giuseppe hasn't had a single emotion since 1979. And that was when Giuseppe first saw his father for the first time after papa was declared. Giuseppe was pre-teen at the time, and had a very emotional response.

Giuseppe hasn't cried since that day, except once. And Giuseppe is always sad inside. Always.

Scientology took all emotion away from Giuseppe. Giuseppe lost someone VERY close to Giuseppe. Giuseppe feels nothing, most of the time. But Giuseppe knows this is a ticking time-bomb and is going to explode.

Giuseppe is very afraid.

Thank you Giuseppe, for being open. As I said here, it took a year after writing my story to even start the emotions. Be ready for it to take time. A lot of time.

The relief is great. It helped that I had someone there who was encouraging me, and letting me cry and cry. That really made a difference.

I know what you are going through. Have patience.

You are in my prayers always....

 

[nw2394]

Giuseppe hasn't cried since that day, except once. And Giuseppe is always sad inside. Always.

Scientology took all emotion away from Giuseppe. Giuseppe lost someone VERY close to Giuseppe. Giuseppe feels nothing, most of the time. But Giuseppe knows this is a ticking time-bomb and is going to explode.

Giuseppe is very afraid.

We love you.

Take that feeling and love it.

Nick

 

[Free to shine]

Bea and Giuseppe, love you both.
When you are raised within the confines, so to speak, you are never allowed to express real emotion unless it matches where you are "supposed to be". That sounds like a sweeping statement but I am sure you understand.

So as children and teens that normal freedom of expression is not allowed and can get so suppressed. Unfortunately it can eventually manifest through the body, as in my case.

One day someone can say just the right words to open the door. Then the floods of tears and anger and pain come. I remember so well the first time it happened to me, in 2000. I could literally not stop crying for 3 weeks and walked around with a towel thrown over my shoulder. My kids were worried at first and then I explained what was happening they were cool with it. That helped me be cool with it!

I think I posted somewhere before that I had a marvellous Native American elder explain to me about emptying out the negative so it could be filled again with the positive, and allowing the "wind to blow through you". I had never heard such concepts before, simple though they are. I thought auditing did that, but you don't get the auditing you need when you need it and soon learn that it is not a safe way to explore your thoughts, as they can be used against you.

It didn't happen for a while, but slowly, slowly it became OK to express the emotion of the moment, instead of pretending it didn't exist or that there was something wrong with me for feeling it.

Every time you cry, or get sad, or get mad, it is truly a good thing. It allows the emotions to be expressed and then let go of. They DO go, and without auditing too! This is normal life and living. This is not being bound in a cocoon of labels and indoctrination that produces unseen wounds that kill from the inside.

I know you know, this is partly for other people reading too. I am currently experiencing a mini revisit of the letting go. It's OK because there are layers and many, many years of suppression to come to terms with.
Bring it on!
Bless you both and all the others out there doing the same thing.


ps I just remembered someone telling me you don't have to have a reason. Like "I am crying about blah...". You can just cry about nothing in particular, without analyzing it. It's very freeing!

 

[Bea Kiddo]

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement. I have been feeling pretty stable since then. Its really cool. I have never experienced anything like that. I recommend it thoroughly. It really helps...

-----

Anyways, I was looking for a thread related to a point I wanted to make, and decided what the heck, I will add it to my story thread. Not entirely related, but a comment.

I was noticing in the news that Chavez, the Venezuelan President, is now looking to attack Colombia (good luck with that, seeing that 80% of Vza seemed to be Colombian to me...).

So what is the relation to Saint Hill Size orgs and its effects on its environment? This is a question posed to Scientologists and non and exes alike.

Here is the thing:

If an org becomes Saint Hill Sized, and good in the country happens (anywhere, of course), then it is because of the good works of Scientologists. If bad comes of it, well then, its time to buckle our bootstraps and get back to the grindstone. Donate (sacrifice, more like) your time and/or your money for the cause of fighting the reactive mind.

Venezuela was declared Saint Hill Size years ago.

So how does all this fit in?

(The org in Caracas is out of someones house and not a big org. The SH size org is in Valencia, about 60 min drive southwest of Caracas).

----

I remember one time being told that a Scientology church member, staff or public not sure, managed to approach Chavez years ago and have a talk with him and enlighten him about Scientology and the tech. He, from what I was told, was interested in the Admin Tech. Thats the version I heard. Not sure if any of that is true.

----

Its all just food for thought...

 

[Done]

The main thing here is on the State of Clear. And I feel there is a chapter worth mentioning on this. Because I was involved in the OT Elig line (getting people approved to get onto their OT Levels at AOLA, across the street from ASHO), I had to deal with verifying the State of Clear. So I was trained in doing interviews (I forgot the name of them, C/S 3 or something like that) on people who's Clear Cog was not clearly stated, to see if they would give it straight out. A lot of times this interviews would have leading questions and that was how I was trained in doing them. The areas of earlier sessions would be refered to and reread to the PC, to get him or her to expand or clarify what was meant. Sometimes these interviews would go on for several hours. Come on guys, if they were Clear, I think it would come up a little easier than that! The reason these interviews were allowed/started is from an IG Network Bull about Clears and it is one of the targets on the program to so these interviews on the "Clears" where the cog is not clearly stated. So for a year I was involved in doing and/or C/Sing these interviews.

Additionally, another program step (from the same IG people) was to get all the folders programmed of all of the Clears who had not moved forward. There were 4 categories of stalled Clears. Well, not all stalled, as the first was those onlines, second is those offlines, but recently around doing services, those who are long gone, recovery jobs and the last, those who are really not qualified for auditing and should not have been audited (like criminal, illegal pc's, things like that, from early years and such).

So I had to spend like a week in archives sorting through all of these folders and cases, categorizing all of them, determining if they had Clear evidence, when they were on lines, etc. So I made a huge list of all of the categorizing that was done, and where each one was at. And there were alot of names on the list that we did not have the folders for anymore, and those were being gotten from wherever they were transferred to.

Anyway, this was a huge amount of hours and work, but to me it felt like paper shoving and cookie cutting!

Now I know the Senior C/S AO (Griffie Blythe) got in trouble earlier about cookie cutter programs, but it was still going on, its just that they wanted it done their way.

Anyways, after that paperwork was done, they wanted me to start programming the folders. In order to get it all done by the deadline, I would have to program like 8 - 10 per day. LRH says programming a folder can take hours. Besides doing my post, I had to do this. You do the math. And big ethics if it weren't done.

Meanwhile, in the middle of all this, some kid at Flag flaps somehow because he was a past life Clear, only gave a Clear cog or something. So then they decided just because someone gave the Clear Cog, that does not mean that they are Clear. Evidence needs to be proven. Kinda like I guess more to the person past life, getting the name, folders, confirming hours of auditing and so forth. So then we had to go through everyone's CLear thing AGAIN and all these people we thought were Clear really weren't (to tell you the truth, I didnt understand what the heck that was all about).

I remember thinking "Make up your fricken MIND!!!" I really got crazy about how the tech seemed to change so much.

Bea, I just finished reading thru your story, and I'm curious about something.
When did this last part of your story happen? When were you last on post, actively C/S Clears?

 

[Bea Kiddo]

Bea, I just finished reading thru your story, and I'm curious about something.
When did this last part of your story happen? When were you last on post, actively C/S Clears?

Up to 2004.

 

[Done]

Up to 2004.

Ok. That's about right. I'm going to PM you about something.

 

[Neo]

This may sound silly. I dont know. Something interesting happened to me. Really interesting.

I had a really really rough day at work on Tues. Really tough for me. And people around me, because of me.

That night it made me look at alot of things about myself.

And someone near me, who has a great big heart, and very little understanding about me, and my past, but has a very big heart. He was explaining to me that sometimes a person just needs to cry. And let it all out.

And it reminded me of the abortions. And I started to cry. And then I remembered all the people I have lost to cancer: Natalie, Erik, John, Allen, Carol... on and on....

And I cried and cried and cried. Over and over. And over and over... for hours. And I slept like a baby.

I have never ever done that. I have never experienced that.

So much emotion build up, repressed, stuck in me. Years and years of suppressing my emotions (except anger).... I let it all out.

And it felt so, so good. Weds was a wonderful day.

I feel like there will be more and more of it. I think it is excellent therapy for me.

I feel relieved. I feel so relaxed and calm.

A year after telling my story.... I think I am making some progress.

thanks for telling your story Bea. It's helped me to learn a lot more than what I had from my own Class V corner of the world experience.

I wanted to quote this particular post, as I feel it says a lot. Kinda like a happy ending, reading the experience of a person getting the okay (from themselves) to be and feel who they really are. Hope that makes sense!

 

[Tom of Helatrobus]

Does this make any sense?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYrgHju3d-E

 

[nexus100]

Does this make any sense?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYrgHju3d-E

Yes. Someone just reached puberty.

 

[Dulloldfart]

It makes sense if you have just seen the rest of the movie.

Paul

 

[Howard]

This may sound silly. I dont know. Something interesting happened to me. Really interesting.

I had a really really rough day at work on Tues. Really tough for me. And people around me, because of me.

That night it made me look at alot of things about myself.

And someone near me, who has a great big heart, and very little understanding about me, and my past, but has a very big heart. He was explaining to me that sometimes a person just needs to cry. And let it all out.

And it reminded me of the abortions. And I started to cry. And then I remembered all the people I have lost to cancer: Natalie, Erik, John, Allen, Carol... on and on....

And I cried and cried and cried. Over and over. And over and over... for hours. And I slept like a baby.

I have never ever done that. I have never experienced that.

So much emotion build up, repressed, stuck in me. Years and years of suppressing my emotions (except anger).... I let it all out.

And it felt so, so good. Weds was a wonderful day.

I feel like there will be more and more of it. I think it is excellent therapy for me.

I feel relieved. I feel so relaxed and calm.

A year after telling my story.... I think I am making some progress.

Dear BK

This morning I read your account(s) from beginning to end in
one sitting and am greatly moved (anger, indignation, sadness
and admiration - amongst other feelings). Then I skipped to
thread-end and found this, your most recent post.

The free experience of and expression of grief has, imo, very
valuable 'healing' consequences.

And I'm glad to hear that you've found that we 'wogs' are not
as aberrant as painted by the CoS.

You are a decent, intelligent and brave person.

warmly

Howard