My story

[CarmeloOrchards]

Regarding crying:

I haven't had the org or sea org experience. In fact I've lived a relatively charmed existence. I quit the Co$ in 76. I've been married to one woman, and remain, quite happily so.

Nevertheless a couple of years ago, on some days when I was in LA. I relived an old love affair relationship in the period of a few hours. This is what I wrote to a mutual friend of the lover and myself:

yesterday and the day before, it rained here in LA

I took my dog, Quincy to the park by the La Brea Tar
Pits and the LA County Museum of Art, and to the
(former) May Company store

in the rain, we walked and played

back in the spring of 1976, I took my dog, Harold to
the park by the La Brea Tar Pits , and I parked in the
May Company parking garage

I met Barbara there

in the rain, we walked and talked and Harold played

Barbara was married to Steve. There was a chemistry
that I didn't ignore. I kissed her in the May Company
parking garage.

She went back to Santa Cruz. I was on the briefing
course.

We wrote a lot of letters and sent a lot of telepathic
heat to one another.

She came down to LA, where I lived. She moved in with
me in San Jose.

Eventually, she went back to Santa Cruz and Steve.

The other day in the rain I cried and sobbed for
hours.


Crying works for all of us. it is a tremendous outlet. Let it flow.

 

[Voltaire's Child]

Emotional reactions can be cumulative. They can build up. Crying is a good outlet that can relieve the cumulative pressure. When you're expressing those feelings, you are also admitting to yourself that you feel sad and you think about why you feel that way and it can really really help.

Sometimes, too, emotional reactions can come up and kind of sneak up on you by surprise. You think you're on an even keel, you're used to whatever it is, came to terms with it, and one day- BAM! You start crying or throwing things.

Very healthy, very normal.

 

[rebned]

Dear Bea,

I just finished reading this whole thread over the last few days. It is very moving. I can really tell you are going to be ok. I appreciate you taking the time to tell your story because I think it would give people getting out under difficult circumstances ie family still in the hope that they can survive and thrive

Early in the thread you wonder about the high rate of cancer. I do have a hypothesis about that. At least back in the day, most staff smoked like a champ. It seemed most people lived on coffee and cigs. I know my father who was a NOTS OT felt that "cancer was an irritation and he didn't let smoke irritate him". He died of lung cancer at the age of 57. His mother just died at 97 so it certainly wasn't a genetic predisposition.

If you ever visit San Diego I would love to take you to a nice dinner!

Becky

 

[Megalomaniac]

Out? Free?

He was explaining to me that sometimes a person just needs to cry. And let it all out.

And it reminded me of the abortions. And I started to cry. And then I remembered all the people I have lost to cancer: Natalie, Erik, John, Allen, Carol... on and on....

And I cried and cried and cried. Over and over. And over and over... for hours. And I slept like a baby.

Bea,

Did you tell part II and I missed it?

Did you say who you were?

Damn it! We're not OUT until we can freely communicate. We're still being dominated if we can't even say our names or show our faces.

I'm not trying to push you or anybody to do anything. I'm just pissed. How many more abortions? How many more disconnections? How long is the minority going to keep the majority in fear?

Your story woke me up, one bit more.


Mac

 

[Bea Kiddo]

Thank you!! Part II has never been added, sad to say. Its just a rough time period.

Those who know me and have read my story know who I am. So I have never put my name out specifically on the board. But I have found tons of people that know me.

Some of them still pretend to be Scientologists. That makes me laugh. That "religion" is such a joke.

 

[Mick Wenlock]

Bea,

Did you tell part II and I missed it?

Did you say who you were?

Damn it! We're not OUT until we can freely communicate. We're still being dominated if we can't even say our names or show our faces.

I'm not trying to push you or anybody to do anything. I'm just pissed. How many more abortions? How many more disconnections? How long is the minority going to keep the majority in fear?

Your story woke me up, one bit more.


Mac

If what you are doing is what YOU wish to do - then you are out.

It does not matter if it agrees with what other people think is "out".

Bea is out and doing what she wishes to do - doesn't get more out than that.

You, she and I all stopped being "dominated" the minute we realized we needed to leave. We leave it behind fully the moment we realize that the CofS just does not matter.

 

[Megalomaniac]

Thank you!! Part II has never been added, sad to say. Its just a rough time period.

ok

Those who know me and have read my story know who I am. So I have never put my name out specifically on the board. But I have found tons of people that know me.

Some of them still pretend to be Scientologists.

I take that to mean they are in good standing, pretending to CoS to be Scientologists. Out of fear, intimidated, right?

That makes me laugh. That "religion" is such a joke.

I'm glad you're laughing. I hope to be laughing soon, too.

 

[apple]

The cancer rate in the Sea Org.

It is surprising to me of how many people that have died from cancer in the SO. I could see what may bring it on, poor lifestyle, STRESS, lack of sleep, poor eating habits, hormones must be out of wack.

I wonder how many from the SO have died from heart attacks and stroke? Seems that cancer may be the main culprit. Mental illness may be up there above the rest but that can be accepted and justified.

 

[Queenie]

Response to "My Story"

I am on part 10 of your story and have loved reading every line of it. I am still having to pick my jaw up off the floor.

Your story, your bravery and honesty has touched my soul. I had NO IDEA of what it was like being part of this group.

I came from a Southern Baptist background which was very repressive and strict. I worried 24-7 about going to hell and could not make sense of that viewpoint because I already felt like I was in hell. Very confusing for me at the time, LOL.

But your story and experience is amazing and appalling. I have a greater understanding for people who were part of this group.

Looking forward to reading the rest of it. THANK YOU again for coming forward and writing such a holographic story. I hope and wish for you to have a very happy, successful and prosperous life!!!!!!

Queenie

 

[OldTimingMan]

I remember at the blue building, before it was blue, someone told me a story that there was an employee of Cedars (the name of the hospital that became the main complex blg.) who had developed a horrible Cancer... and it was later learned that there was an X-ray machine on the floor above that was leaking radiation downward...to his desk on the floor below...

One thing that should be promoted is to get Scn to take responsibility for the longtime SO and org staff members health and welfare... its criminal how they treat them like serfs then run 'em into the ground in the RPF... then discarded when they're broken down ! They should have a home and decent care.. its outrageous treatment the management is dishing out

 

[Sandie]

Bea,

It is now May of 2009 and I have just read your story.
Amazing....
what an accomplishment for you to be out and have the ability now to CRY.....Sounds so simple but it is quite large...I'm so happy for you.
As a former scientologist I can understand the things that happened to you and again am sooooooooooooooooooooo glad you are no longer there.
No child should ever have to go through what you and others there went through. I wish I could have been your mom and given you the love and care you deserved.
I have had some friends that did the same to their children and it just appalls me. I want to shake them and tell them to wake up but unfortunately you cant.
We each have to wake up and take responsibility for ourselves, no one can do it for you.
I sincerely hope the rest of your life you have the love, acceptance, security and happiness you so deserve!
Love
Sandie

 

[rattusnorvegicus]

Dear Bea,

I just finished reading this whole thread over the last few days. It is very moving. I can really tell you are going to be ok. I appreciate you taking the time to tell your story because I think it would give people getting out under difficult circumstances ie family still in the hope that they can survive and thrive

Early in the thread you wonder about the high rate of cancer. I do have a hypothesis about that. At least back in the day, most staff smoked like a champ. It seemed most people lived on coffee and cigs. I know my father who was a NOTS OT felt that "cancer was an irritation and he didn't let smoke irritate him". He died of lung cancer at the age of 57. His mother just died at 97 so it certainly wasn't a genetic predisposition.

If you ever visit San Diego I would love to take you to a nice dinner!

Becky

It is surprising to me of how many people that have died from cancer in the SO. I could see what may bring it on, poor lifestyle, STRESS, lack of sleep, poor eating habits, hormones must be out of wack.

I wonder how many from the SO have died from heart attacks and stroke? Seems that cancer may be the main culprit. Mental illness may be up there above the rest but that can be accepted and justified.

Has anybody done a cancer registry for church of scientology members?

I ask because I'm a cancer survivor. There seems to be some enviromental factor at work, or perhaps several....emotional as well as physical factors.

The incidents of cancer seem to be far beyond the norm, even after allowing for cigarette smoking and poor diet

 

[anonfrog]

How about all those hours chained to the E-meter?

From Arnie's excellent site:

Linking electrical currents and cancer growth

The E-meter Papers

The E-meter and shock

The E-meter and endorphin levels

and there may be more. I also searched there for "cancer", and there are SO many references to Co$ members dying from cancer.

(This is my first post: thankyou to all the wonderful people here who have shared their stories. )

 

[Alanzo]

This is one of the best threads on ESMB.

I hope that everyone who ever comes here reads the whole thing.

 

[Good twin]

This is one of the best threads on ESMB.

I hope that everyone who ever comes here reads the whole thing.

Isn't it required? I'm pretty sure it was the first thing I read when I came here. Also Melanie's story and Maureen's.

 

[Zinjifar]

And yours

Zinj

 

[Good twin]

And yours

Zinj

 

[SweetnessandLight]

Welcome Anonfroggie!

Hey, welcome Anonfrog! Glad you joined us!

Bea, love you and validate you for being the wonderfully strong surviver that you are. Now it's time to go forward and thrive! Big Hugs to you!

 

[Operating DB]

This is one of the best threads on ESMB.

I hope that everyone who ever comes here reads the whole thing.

I've been a member here for over a year. I finally got done reading Bea's story. Thank you, Bea, for making your story known. It needed to be told.

 

[Sai Ninja 2000]

this is the story that finally made me decide to register. i wanted, originally, to post so i could thank you - bea, for writing such a heartfelt account of your experiences. a lot of it is real for me, and i fear that though, at this point, it all seems very innocent for me, your story has definitely cemented my decision NOT to move forward with my SO arrival, as i can definitely see the potential for this kind of thing to happen. after reading this story, and others like it, i consider myself lucky.

thank you. thank you so much for sharing, you dont know what it means to me to hear the truth from someone who lived it.

thank you.