Continuation
While I was living in this little room that I rented from the old lady, I received a birthday card from my mother. I don't know how she found me, but she did. I sat down and opened it.
One of the things I was hoping Scientology would handle was my relationship with my mother. It was pretty awful. She blamed me for just about everything that was wrong with her life - her health, her marriage....and I felt guilty about whatever she accused me of. She did not want to be friends with me. Now, she sends me this loving card and I don't know how to deal with this, especially since I'm not supposed to speak to her because she had threatened to sue the church and also had told me that I was never to come near her again. I took the birthday card over to the mission and spoke with one of the auditors who told me to just bring in any correspondence from her without opening it and they would open and read it for me and let me know if it was okay to read. Did this help our relationship any? No. I thought auditing would probably handle it, but in all the auditing I got, I never got to this heavy area of charge - just loaded with grief.
During this time that I was disconnected from my parents, I couldn't get my attention off of them. I was still connected mentally or emotionally or spiritually and I couldn't figure out how you really disconnect from your family. They are still your family even if you are in a different town or state and you don't speak to them. I could never make sense out of this and it didn't resolve anything in the long run. It just made me feel bad. There is no love in Scientology, at least I never saw any. I felt really guilty a lot of the time because I knew that my mother was ill and I felt like I should be there to help her out, but I couldn't go home because of Scientology.
I was having a hard time making a living to make ends meet and get this car of Harry's paid off and get some services paid for at the mission. I had 3 jobs - bartender at two beer and wine bars and one job was a cocktail waitress at a bar for cowboys - kind of out in the country. I quit the cowboy bar when I found out that I had to learn to jump and hide behind the bar during rodeo season to keep from getting hurt when the fights and shooting started.
I got fired from one of the beer and wine bars because one of the customers got mad when I was on the phone to the mission and he pushed me down the bar and that almost started a fight amongst the customers who wanted to defend me.
The owner let me go because he was afraid I'd get hurt working there. So I went looking for another job.
I so regretted not finishing college so that I could work in the profession that I had been trying to get my degree in before I ran into Scientology. I only had one semester to go to graduate. I thought that Scientology needed someone posted to help a person figure out the best way to go about getting up the Bridge. If I'd had someone that would have sat down with me and planned it out, I could have finished college, got a job making a lot more money than I could without any money making skills and they would have got a lot more money out of me in the long run, and I could have done a lot more bridge a lot faster than it turned out the way I did it. And I would have been working in an area that I would have enjoyed instead of hating to go to work and continuing to be poverty stricken.
So, I went and got another job in a real estate office doing some admin work. I met a gal there....I'll call her J. She and her roommate B were looking for a third roommate, so I moved in with them. They were not Scientologists. I was on course at the mission. One evening my neck was out, so I called Harry (the OT chiropractor). He told me to go lay down on the floor so that when he did the ajustment I was supposed to lay there for a few minutes so that I wouldn't knock it right out again. J and B were in the apartment. I told them what I was doing. While Harry was still on the phone, I handed the phone to J and went and laid down on the living room floor. J and B were watching me. I felt all this stuff move around in my neck and back and J's eyes got real big when I explained what was happening. J followed me into the mission the next night and signed up for the Communication Course. B kind of lagged behind, but got tired of being home alone in the evening so she eventually came in also and signed up for the Comm Course. J and B both made it to OT III. J is out now.
I didn't care too much for the HQS Course - it was kind of boring. I never did understand the ash tray bit
- I finally just said - okay, I'm done with that and moved on. We had to go to a bowling alley and do some kind of survey and sell a Dianetics Book.
Wanna buy a book? I hated having to sell books.
The only other thing I remember about the course is that I ran Book and Bottle on another student. After we ran it for a while he originated that everything was upside down. Hmmm.....I didn't know what to do with that. Keep going? End off? Is he exterior? :confused2: I chose to end off and took him to the examiner. He FNed at the examiner and seemed okay. He left and never returned. Nobody ever said anything to me about it. I never got any kind of a correction on it. From time to time I've wondered what ever happened to him. I hope he didn't go through life with everything upside down.
One time while I was on course at the mission, a lady tried to walk through a plate glass window (she didn't see it and thought it was an open space). She banged her nose pretty bad and it was swelling up fast. She didn't break the window, so I did a contact assist with her. It took about 20 minutes, but she blew the pain and I watched the swelling go down and when she was done you couldn't tell that she had even hurt herself. I thought that was pretty cool. Some of the parts of the tech work really well, from my experience. I was glad to learn about this valuable tool!
I did the Student Hat while I was there. At the end of the course, I went to Qual and passed the exam, but I didn't feel good about it and told them. I was told that I passed the exam and there wasn't anything else to do, so I graduated a bit BI's. Oh, well.
I moved again - this time I rented a room from a family - he was an auditor (I'll call him M) at the mission - M was OT 2 - and his wife was in LA doing her OT Levels. One day I twisted my ankle at work (platform shoes). That night it hurt so bad I couldn't sleep, so I decided to just confront it. I put my attention on the pain for a couple of minutes. All of a sudden it sounded like a jet came through the bedroom - I leaped out of bed and found myself standing in the middle of the room facing the bed. It all happened so fast. :shock:
What the H was that? Then I noticed that I had no somatics or pain in my body anywhere. I checked out my ankle. It was fine as if nothing had ever been wrong with it. One minute I was in agony, the next it was all gone. Hmmm.... Went back to bed and went right to sleep. The next morning in the kitchen I asked M...(because I thought he had OT magical powers)..."Did you do something last night that blew the somatics in my ankle and the rest of my body?" He said, "No, I didn't do anything...the only thing I do is create a safe space in the house for the night." Hmmm... How did this happen?
One thing I did learn while living at M's house....I would come home from Course at night and be bitching about something and he would just lean back against the kitchen sink and look at me very calmly and say..."Have you ever done anything like that?"...I'd look and sure enough, I had and it would turn off the natter. It was quite helpful and he had great auditor TRs.
Also, while I was living there, I quit my job one day and went home. I sat in the living room looking at the particles in the air. I had no job, no money and no solution at the moment, but I didn't seem to be caved in by it. I was kind of keyed out. It didn't seem to bother me at all. Prior to getting any auditing, I would have been really worried. I wondered why I was experiencing life this way.
Right around this time I got to thinking about my mother - I wondered if she was still alive. I wanted money so bad to get up the Bridge. I was watching other people getting auditing and I wasn't getting any. I got the idea to call my mother and see if she had died and left me any money that I could use for the Bridge. I felt so horrible about thinking this way. I remember hanging around the phone, debating whether I should call or not. I don't recall if I did, but if I did, she must have not wanted to talk to me still or if she was still alive, I just dropped it. How could I have become so callous to wish my mother would die so that I could have her money to gain my spiritual freedom? How evil is that?
I think she must have answered the phone because I had the idea that she didn't die and there was no inheritance for me.
I had managed to save enough from work to get some auditing paid for.
When I got in session, I finally got my Life Repair Cert. and did a little bit of the CL8 Drug Rundown before I ran out of money again.
My auditor was CLVI, OT7 and he had the hots for me - followed me home and we ended up in a 2D. He got in trouble for sleeping with his PC. I found out later that he had been given the ultimatum.....either marry me or pay a $300.00 fine.....he didn't want to pay the fine, so he married me. Right before we got married, he told me he was going to audit me up the Bridge as a wedding gift. A few days later he changed his mind.
It only lasted about a month before he was off sleeping with someone else. While we were married, one night he came home and announced he was going out to dinner with his OT friends from the mission and I wasn't allowed to come along because I wasn't OT. I was crushed.
He was on the Class 8 Course on the weekends and he found another of his PCs to sleep with, so he went to live with her. He then came and thanked me for getting his ethics in on the 2D.
One night, shortly after he moved out, I was in bed and he appeared right beside my bed, looking down on me - it's hard to describe, but it looked like the image of his body was made up of some very dim radiating colored light, kind of like a faded hologram. It angered me that he dare come into my space since he had moved on to another partner.
I spoke to him later about it and he said he didn't remember doing it, but he also said that other females had mentioned him doing the same thing. And I'd been looking up to this guy because he was an OT7 and I was ignorant of what was on the OT Levels because it was a big secret. I viewed him as knowing so much more than myself because of this hidden data on what the OT Levels is about.
And Ron said there is no hidden data?
I was so effect of the mystery of the OT Levels.
Right before we got married, I got together enough money to pay for the HSDC and an E-Meter. I couldn't wait to do this course.
Right around the time we got married, I had my new meter, didn't know how to use it, but I was playing with it. I hooked it up and was holding the cans and thinking different things and looking at what the needle was doing. I was very interested. My husband walks into the room and looks at what I'm doing and calls me a
. I suddenly felt bad. I lost some of my interest. He also mentioned one day that if an auditor farted in session it was a Comm Evable offense.
That got me really worried. One can't always control that even though it's not desirable for sure. It actually scared me and I wasn't so sure I wanted to be an auditor anymore with such tight restrictions and punishments.
As soon as my husband took off with someone else, I had to find another place to live and another job. Whew! I felt like a ping pong ball bouncing from one job to another and one abode to another. So I moved in with D another Scientologist who was on the Bridge. While I was there, she went Clear and when she came back she accidentaly spilled coffee grounds on the counter - she said instead of getting upset, she looked at the coffee grounds and they looked beautiful. LOL
One night D had a party. There was a plant on the kitchen table and I took the E-Meter and hooked the leads up to the plant. It was kind of interesting. Everyone came in the kitchen to look. People started shooting questions at the plant. The TA went from 2 up to 6. Then everyone left the room and a few minutes later I went back and looked and the TA had gone back down to 2. That was interesting.
My ex told me once that he had put an orange on a meter and asked it what it's purpose was and he said it was "to be eaten". He also told me that if anyone ever came after him he could protect himself just by commanding them to "Go to birth" and they would no longer be threatening.
Right around the time that I started on the HSDC, the mission was bursting at the seams and moved to a much larger location (what had been a supermarket). This was before the missions got attacked in the early 80's.
I was going along okay on the HSDC, until one night I came in a little late to course. The clock on the wall at D's house had either stopped or lost some time and wasn't telling us the right time, so we were all late to course. The Course Sup came over to me and told me I had to sit down and write up reasons why it was okay to be late for course. I didn't have any reasons, but he made me do it anyway, so I made up some stuff and gave it to him.
STUPID NONSENSE. I came in to do the course not this
I didn't feel so good being on course after that. Right around this time I remember working with my twin and the Sup was standing there. We were talking about something and my twin said ..."You said blah de blah" I said..."No I didn't."
The Sup said..."Yes you did say that."
I had no memory of ever saying that and I got really worried about myself. Boy, did that introvert me. I had a blank spot in my memory of something I supposedly did, that I didn't have any recall of doing? That really scared me.
I finished the theory and now it was time to audit.
I was so excited. I noticed the other auditors who were getting ready for their first session were kind of nervous. I had no nervousness...I was just really happy to be auditing someone.
I get the session set up and the PC in the chair and I start the session. Part way through I ran into something I didn't know what to do with, so I ended the session and told the PC I'd be right back. I went to Qual and said.."What do I do?" I got my answer, but I was told I wasn't supposed to leave the session to come to Qual for an answer. I went back and restarted the session - the PC was happy and we continued. It turned out to be a really good session for the PC. And it was fun for me. I was in heaven being able to audit someone. When I took him to the examiner, though, I was a little worried about what he would say, because I'd stopped in the middle to go find out what to do. When I read the exam report, the PC said "She's a really good auditor." Whooppee! I was so surprised. The PC was happy with the session and I was quite pleased with myself even if I didn't get it all right. My first session was a big win. All I wanted to do after that was audit. It was so interesting and so much fun. I lost track of all time and it was the only thing I ever did that I was totally there with no other thoughts of doing anything else or wanting to be anywhere else. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do. I LOVED IT. I only got to give about 3 or 4 sessions. I made a few mistakes and had to go to Cramming and then they made me graduate. I didn't want to graduate - I just wanted to keep on auditing. That was one graduation, though, that I liked. I blathered on about how great auditing was. I thought it was very creative. I was very happy and looked forward to doing a lot more auditing in the future. Now I was being sent to the Org to do the Dianetic Internship.
While I was still on the HSDC, I was asked to do a Touch Assist on a man. I said okay. He had helped the mission out with some things and he wasn't a student there, but he liked the group and the mission was helping him back with an assist. I took him in session and come to find out, he had tried to run Dianetics on himself and got himself stuck back several hundred years and his back was messed up. During the assist he was blowing off so much heat - it was like a blast furnace - I didn't know if I was going to be able to stay in the same room with him, but I just had to to get him through it. I never had experienced such intense heat before or since. I started choking and was having a hard time keeping myself together and continuing the commands. I did manage to get the PC and myself through and out of it and him back to normal. His back recovered and I felt like I'd conquered a mountain. He decided he wouldn't try to run Dianetics on his own, by himself again. LOL
It was, for the most part a lot of fun at the mission. Nice people. Caring people.
I remember one man who had been in a very bad auto accident and couldn't walk. He was fairly young. He had a settlement from the accident, so he had the money to buy all of his auditing all the way up the Bridge at that time. The mission audited him as far as they could and then sent him off to do his OT Levels. He came back OT7. He was walking with just a cane. Wow! What a product.
I remember another lady there that wore coke bottle glasses - really thick lenses. After she got XDN, she no longer needed those thick lenses. Her eyesight changed that dramatically.
I spoke to one of the auditors at the mission. She told me that she had had breast cancer and got rid of it with auditing. She was a very bright lady and a dedicated, highly trained auditor. Unfortunately more recently I found out she was having a lot of trouble at Flag and ended up killing herself.
Things are sure a lot different now than they were back then. There were seemingly a lot more people winning back then. It wasn't perfect, it was just better for some.
Even the events were better, as far as I am concerned. LRH's Birthday was more of a real birthday party....not a giant regging event. It was fun. Everyone knew everyone else and nobody was cattle herded to buy books or auditing. Oh, well. So much for the past. It will never be that way again.
Also, at that time, I didn't know anything about the abuses from LRH going on behind the scenes on the ship or the lies that he had going. I assumed he knew what he was talking about and we all had to follow what he said.
Oh, yeh. I do remember one time when I was getting auditing at the mission, I got into a disagreement with the D of P. She was trying to tell me that I had to do something or other because LRH said so and I was getting irritated and said..."LRH is not God!".
The look on her face. I realized then and there, that I was in trouble. Even then I wasn't allowed to be anything but obedient I guess. Forget thinking for yourself or having your own viewpoint on something. Not allowed.
I felt squashed.
There were Navy recruiters in the area and I had looked at maybe joining the Navy to earn the money to get up the Bridge. I went into the mission and spoke with the C/S about it. She said - well that's fine if you want to join the Sea Org. I thought twice about it and decided not to join either one.
I was so stuck in this money thing of paying for the Bridge so that I could find out what the OT Levels were about - THE BIG MYSTERY. LRH said...a thetan loves a mystery.....well I didn't love the mystery....I just couldn't stand not knowing what it was and also there was the pressure of "This Brief Moment in Time" ... and there isn't much time left, so I was in a panic of not making it out in time and being stuck here when I could have gone free if I had only had the money to pay for my auditing and training all the way up the Bridge. I came into Scientology on a desire to gain the OT Abilities that I supposedly had lost over time, only to end up in the fear of not making it out in time and being stuck in a bad eternity because I didn't make it in time. It was do or die spiritually. I had been convinced by reading LRH that I was in a trap and if I didn't make it out of the trap I might be stuck there for eternity. Eternity is a long time and I didn't want that to happen. Because of all this stuff, Scientology was more important to me than anything or anybody. I believed every bit of what I read that LRH wrote about the necessity to go OT NOW! It was very scary.
More when I have time.