My life begins now?

So a little disclaimer: This is really long. As you can see. And it was written at 4 in the morning. This is really my first time sharing my story, but I feel that if I don't, I'll explode.

It's a strange feeling, turning 20 and realizing that it's okay to be a kid, to act your age. To be human, and to be embraced for it. I was raised by two dedicated Scientologists, people with answers on the universe and what comes after, but no idea on how to provide for their two children. My dad was on staff when I was a kid and worked a "wog" job in the little remaining time he had. My mom left staff before I was born to take care of my older brother, and the church never forgave her. It's funny how providing for your children can be considered a crime, but per the church, my mother's counter-intentions were the sole cause of my father's financial problems and eventual bankrupcy...the fact that he let other scientologists put IAS accounts on his wife's credit cards and working slave wages for the church never entered into the equation.

Needless to say, childhood sucked. Me and my brother stayed up until four in the morning sometimes waiting for him to come home. We knew where he was though: saving the planet. I knew what a thetan was before I knew my colors and numbers, and I thought for the longest time that was normal. We had a pathetic amount of money as a family, cut substantially by the children's courses the church would force my father to force us to do. I "learned how to learn," but god was I hungry. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was all so silly, that my imaginary friends had more validity than any OT, but those thoughts were Out-Ethics and Not OK, practically federal offences in my brainwashed little mind. Somehow the church convinced my dad that me and my brother needed purifs. I was three and my brother was 5. I'm pretty sure we never did any crack...in fact, my mother even made our baby food from scratch. That would sadly be the last of her contribution to our earliest years, she'd had enough of my dad's shit and went to find what life was about. Though in reality, she was afraid the church would force her to disconnect permanantly from her children. The once-a-week visits were surely better than that.

When I was 7, my dad took me and my brother out of school to "protect us from the psychs." I have a very vivid image of playing in the spinklers on a warm summer day, and my brother ruahing out of the house to tell me that he saw an IAS event that said they (whoever "they" were) could see me and think I was crazy and lock me up with the psychs forever. Now I admit it, I was a spirited little eight-year-old, and my sprinkler-dancing was a tad hyperactive, but that was ridiculous. This was actually the time my mom moved back in with us, she was having health issues and we needed someone to homeschool me and my brother.

When I turned ten, my mom recovered from her health issues and got a job, and even started being our mom again. So naturally the church decided to drain her life once more, but now with feeling! Two recruiters came to our house and regged her for several hours until she signed her life away and joined staff. What started as a forty-hour-a-week gig quickly turned into eighty hours, and my poor mom's poor health returned. She was an auditor, and every so often she'd have an epileptic seizure. Her seniors would drag her into her auditing room until her episode was over and send her back out again to audit her PC.

Around this time, my dad's church needed yet another quota to be met, and who better to pin it on than my father, the perpetual Yes-Man. Apparently every church around the country needed to send someone to Flag for training, only for three months though, you can count on that. Would a Reg ever lie to you? Of course a three month trip quickly became a year long nightmare, and what a year it was. The org paid for me and my brothers food, and for our rent, but the rent was always late and the money we got was around 25-30 dollars a week. The church also thought they owned the house we lived in because of their unreliable payments, so they moved two alcoholic, non-english-speaking staff into our living room. We already had two roommates in our three bedroom house, so this shy, socially awkward kid hid in his room with his instant noodles and dollar chicken sandwiches.

Four months in, my brother joined staff at my dad's org, and then almost instantly he joined the Sea Org. The worst part was that deep down, he just wanted to get to Flag to see our father. What a sad reason to sign your life away, to see your father for a couple days.

With my entire family gone, I decided to join staff at my mom's org. Of course it was their idea, but they have this way of turning their ideas into your ideas real fast. I guess in the end I joined for similar reasons as my brother: to be close to my mom. Maybe pathetic devotee runs in the family. That or lemming.

Well, my dad did eventually return, but he was horrified that I'd joined staff. To this day I wonder if it was a rare showing of his almost non-existant paternal instincts, or if he was just mad that I joined at my mom's church and not his. You know, potential stats and all that. Oh, the love of a father. Well, either way I was stuck now.

So I've rambled on quite a bit here, but I'll probably come back to finish this if that's okay. I think I got more gains out of writing that than any auditing I've received. Oh wait, I was on staff, I didn't get audited! Hahahaha...eh.
 

Alanzo

Bardo Tulpa
So a little disclaimer: This is really long. As you can see. And it was written at 4 in the morning. This is really my first time sharing my story, but I feel that if I don't, I'll explode.

It's a strange feeling, turning 20 and realizing that it's okay to be a kid, to act your age. To be human, and to be embraced for it. I was raised by two dedicated Scientologists, people with answers on the universe and what comes after, but no idea on how to provide for their two children. My dad was on staff when I was a kid and worked a "wog" job in the little remaining time he had. My mom left staff before I was born to take care of my older brother, and the church never forgave her. It's funny how providing for your children can be considered a crime, but per the church, my mother's counter-intentions were the sole cause of my father's financial problems and eventual bankrupcy...the fact that he let other scientologists put IAS accounts on his wife's credit cards and working slave wages for the church never entered into the equation.

Needless to say, childhood sucked. Me and my brother stayed up until four in the morning sometimes waiting for him to come home. We knew where he was though: saving the planet. I knew what a thetan was before I knew my colors and numbers, and I thought for the longest time that was normal. We had a pathetic amount of money as a family, cut substantially by the children's courses the church would force my father to force us to do. I "learned how to learn," but god was I hungry. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was all so silly, that my imaginary friends had more validity than any OT, but those thoughts were Out-Ethics and Not OK, practically federal offences in my brainwashed little mind. Somehow the church convinced my dad that me and my brother needed purifs. I was three and my brother was 5. I'm pretty sure we never did any crack...in fact, my mother even made our baby food from scratch. That would sadly be the last of her contribution to our earliest years, she'd had enough of my dad's shit and went to find what life was about. Though in reality, she was afraid the church would force her to disconnect permanantly from her children. The once-a-week visits were surely better than that.

When I was 7, my dad took me and my brother out of school to "protect us from the psychs." I have a very vivid image of playing in the spinklers on a warm summer day, and my brother ruahing out of the house to tell me that he saw an IAS event that said they (whoever "they" were) could see me and think I was crazy and lock me up with the psychs forever. Now I admit it, I was a spirited little eight-year-old, and my sprinkler-dancing was a tad hyperactive, but that was ridiculous. This was actually the time my mom moved back in with us, she was having health issues and we needed someone to homeschool me and my brother.

When I turned ten, my mom recovered from her health issues and got a job, and even started being our mom again. So naturally the church decided to drain her life once more, but now with feeling! Two recruiters came to our house and regged her for several hours until she signed her life away and joined staff. What started as a forty-hour-a-week gig quickly turned into eighty hours, and my poor mom's poor health returned. She was an auditor, and every so often she'd have an epileptic seizure. Her seniors would drag her into her auditing room until her episode was over and send her back out again to audit her PC.

Around this time, my dad's church needed yet another quota to be met, and who better to pin it on than my father, the perpetual Yes-Man. Apparently every church around the country needed to send someone to Flag for training, only for three months though, you can count on that. Would a Reg ever lie to you? Of course a three month trip quickly became a year long nightmare, and what a year it was. The org paid for me and my brothers food, and for our rent, but the rent was always late and the money we got was around 25-30 dollars a week. The church also thought they owned the house we lived in because of their unreliable payments, so they moved two alcoholic, non-english-speaking staff into our living room. We already had two roommates in our three bedroom house, so this shy, socially awkward kid hid in his room with his instant noodles and dollar chicken sandwiches.

Four months in, my brother joined staff at my dad's org, and then almost instantly he joined the Sea Org. The worst part was that deep down, he just wanted to get to Flag to see our father. What a sad reason to sign your life away, to see your father for a couple days.

With my entire family gone, I decided to join staff at my mom's org. Of course it was their idea, but they have this way of turning their ideas into your ideas real fast. I guess in the end I joined for similar reasons as my brother: to be close to my mom. Maybe pathetic devotee runs in the family. That or lemming.

Well, my dad did eventually return, but he was horrified that I'd joined staff. To this day I wonder if it was a rare showing of his almost non-existant paternal instincts, or if he was just mad that I joined at my mom's church and not his. You know, potential stats and all that. Oh, the love of a father. Well, either way I was stuck now.

So I've rambled on quite a bit here, but I'll probably come back to finish this if that's okay. I think I got more gains out of writing that than any auditing I've received. Oh wait, I was on staff, I didn't get audited! Hahahaha...eh.

Danger Turnip!

"Danger" was always my middle name.

But it's your first!

Welcome to ESMB!!!
 

DCAnon

Silver Meritorious Patron
O__O I am so glad your here and sharing your story. Wow, it's quite a punch!
 

Wisened One

Crusader
:omg: WOW What an intro, Danger! And what a shocking story! Please do continue! :drama:

And :welcome2: to ESMB btw!

I was staff, too! (only for a few years tho) but it was an intense time, I can tell ya that!

And Ramen Noodles..Oh the memories....:giggle:
 

Tiger Lily

Gold Meritorious Patron
Wow DT. . . . .thanks for sharing that. There's no security in the life of a Scientology kid is there? I'm glad that you're out at 20; you have a lot of living to do. Way to go!! Glad you are here!

TL
 

Iknowtoomuch

Gold Meritorious Patron
I feel very bad for staffers kids man. That just sucks. My story is very similar. Sorry you had to go through all that shit.

Sounds to me you have some thinking skills and know better than to involve yourself with Scientology from here on out. Good luck with college!
 

Woggin' out

Patron with Honors
Hey Turnip

All I can say is Whoaaaaa! WTF! Here's a hug young Turnip:bighug: But I have a feeling you're a pretty strong fella. What a start to your story. Can't wait to read the rest. :drama: Think of the more "gains" to be had when you offload more of this crap! :yes:
 

Telepathetic

Gold Meritorious Patron
Danger T.,

You're not only a brave young man but smart, very smart:thumbsup:

I'd love to hear more of your story. You express yourself very well.:yes:

TP
 

Zinjifar

Silver Meritorious Sponsor
Welcome aboard Turnip :)

Glad you got around to telling (some) of your story, and, one of the benefits here, beyond being a place to get the jams out is, it's *also* a place where you can still be a kid, even if you never were, or even if you're 20 or 70

Zinj
 

Carmel

Crusader
Glad you are getting straight into sharing your story, Danger Turnip - it can be theraputic in more ways than one. :)

I've seen what can and did and still does happen to many/most staffer's kids. It's a shocker, and it's sad, but given where you seem to be at, it looks like you are not going to carry what occurred with you, as a burden for the rest of your life. Good on you! :thumbsup:

You are still young - I'm pleased that you are now out, and that you are now free to live your life. I don't know what the current scene is with your mum and dad, but I'm hoping there will be a resolve there somehow soon, for all of you.

In the meanwhile, there are lots of 'mums' and 'dads' here who are happy to give support where and when we can, to eachother and others, if and when it's wanted or needed.

Happy to have you on board. :D

Love,
Carmel
 
Wow, sorry this is so long! I'm doing this mostly as therapy. Thanks for all the support though!

Well, obviously staff was the most mind-altering experience one can do without a jar of glue and some toads. I'd joined the TTC to become an auditor, just like my mom. Maybe I read too many comic books, but I believed them when they told me that I could truely help people, that I could not only save this world, but all others as well. For the first and last time in my life, a Scientologist was validating me. Telling me that I could make a difference.

Things changed. I was only 11, too young to actually be on staff, but the church had people donate courses so that me and two other young folk could be "volunteers." Now the volunteer thing was in name only. In their eyes, I was on staff, 80 hours a week (don't remember signing up for 80, hmmm) same terms as the rest of them. Only the tigers survived...though I was morw like a platypus, caught up in the awkwardness of puberty. I got a fecking KR for having acne THREE TIMES.

I was a fairly quick student, completing courses in checksheet time...sometimes. It took me about three weeks to realize that I had no friends there. Now, I had no social skills other than TRs my entire life, so I don't really blame anyone for not wanting to be my friend. I had the dead, watching eyes of a Pro TRs grad. Or Hannibal Lector.

Soon the org realized that all of the courses I were doing were paid courses. OMGBBQSTATS! Suddenly their verbal abuse got worse, threats that I better hurry or else turned into threats that I better hurry or else they would put a gun to my head and blow my fucking head off. I think I was 12 now.

I didn't have days off though. Sure, it was scheduled that I had a day off, but someone would call and tell me I had to be in. I would hide under my bed covers for an hour until the calls would stop. Then someone would drive to pick me up. Banging on the door, screaming. I'd cover my head, whisper "go away, go away." They broke my window, unlocked the door. The screaming would start, and I would cry. The bogeyman had come in a polyester tie, smelling of cigarettes and coffee.

Lower conditions! I lost track of all the liability, doubt, treason, confusion conditions. I didn't know who the fuck I really was anymore. My only sanctuary was weeding the back during liability conditions and eating a Snickers in a bathroom stall. My OW's were funny when they had me write them up. I had no friends, no outside life, I was waaaay too scared to masturbate (yeah, fucks a kid up) so my overts were pathetic. "When I was 4, I took my brother's toy car."

Life went on though, and I eventually made it to my internship. Around this time, my mom started trying to get medical leave to handle her health and get a second job to support me a little and pay rent. Of course that's ridiculous. Even after passing out constantly, she was never aloud a leave of absence, and while calling a woman for a new job (on her day off) a particularly wretched staff member broke into her house and screamed at her for three hours to get her ass into the org. This woman was apparently "striking a blow to the enemy" for a liability condition, and wouldn't be persuaded to leave. So my mom tackled her to the ground and brandished a pair of handy scissors at her. It worked, and the bitch was gone.

Of course this started a long list of ethics actions against my mom, ending with her getting kicked off staff, declared Criminal and driven insane by getting told that everything she'd recalled in auditing was wrong, and that she probably wasn't Clear. Oh joy. This basically destroyed her. I would come home every night and just hold her, somehow not connecting that Scientology did this to her. My mom attempted suicide several times, and I thought of her as out ethics for this, not a victim of abuse. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that.

Auditing public was...interesting. I was a spirit, not a body, but I can't imagine what it would feel like to have a kid pull your witholds. One guy told me about his interest in S&M porn, and I casually took a break to ask my CS what S&M was. I cared deeply for all of my PC's, but every so often you get that guy who fucked a chicken or had bad thoughts about children that made you feel sick a little.

Then I realized I was gay. It's something I'd always known, but never really registered with. Holy crap, I wa an aberation! But this didn't make sense, I liked baseball and video games! I didn't act gay! I wasn't 1.1! I spent every night for the next year telling myself that I was normal and not gay before finally falling asleep. OW write-ups were now intense and scary.

One day when I was 15 I blacked out while at the org. My dad made sure I got to a doctor (a scientology doctor) who informed me that my heart beat was 165 beats per minute at rest, and that I should disengage any stressful activities immediatly. So I did. I stopped going to the org, and used every child-service law I could find to get out. It took forever, but I was too tired to go there again. I'm not sure how I never got declared, but they eventually gave up. For the next two years, I spent my time taking care of my bedridden mom, losing weight (65 pounds...that cult made me fat) and learning how to make friends. I joined a youth resource center and for my first year there, I just watched people interact. Eventually someone said "hi" to me, and for the first time in 8 years, I had a friend.

When I was 17, my brother (oh how I hate him) brought up the fact that that my mom shouldn't be living with my dad because she was a Criminal. So the church used it's break-up-family tech and gave my mom under a month to get out or else my dad would be declared. My dad couldn't say no to the church, so he told my mom she had to leave. Of course I told him I was going with her, I wasn't letting my bedridden, mentally unstable mom go off alone, so we packed up the car and left for a different state. We were homeless for three months, but I found a job and an apartment, even made some friends.

I've been here two years now. Life is hard, rent's a bitch, but my mom is actually well now, and I'm free. It's funny, I've finally attained the freedom that people in Scientology pay thousands for.
 

Daisy

Patron with Honors
Eventually someone said "hi" to me, and for the first time in 8 years, I had a friend.

I find it hard not to cry.

I am so glad that you and your mom have each other.

I think someday you will have your brother and dad back too.
 

sallydannce

Gold Meritorious Patron
DT, your story is touching my heart.

Warmest love to you & your mum.

No need to apologise for the length of your story. Let it rip! You are amongst friends here.
 

cantsay

Patron Meritorious
Hey Danger Turnip, welcome to the ESM board. Youve had a shit time, havent you? Well done for sticking by your Mom and doing the RIGHT things in the face of so much adversity. Ill never forgive myself for the lack of compassion and common sense I showed my brother and sisters while I was on staff, and Ill spend the rest of my days making up for it.

Good luck for the future, I hope you achieve your dreams, whatever they are!
 
You are brave and strong

DT ....what a story...I can't wait to hear the rest. I saw this kind of thing around me for years..it did not happen to me nor did I do that to my kids but my kids and our little family could have done alot lot better had we never done any courses or auditing..we did not have money for vacations, owing own home or college for me or my kids...but thankfully I did not do that to my kids what happened to you..I am so sorry. So glad you are getting to talk about it and its a good thing you did not get auditing..it could be worse!
 

HappyGirl

Gold Meritorious Patron
I've been here two years now. Life is hard, rent's a bitch, but my mom is actually well now, and I'm free. It's funny, I've finally attained the freedom that people in Scientology pay thousands for.
Thank god!! Most of us on this board achieved freedom your way. Thank you for writing up your story. Heart wrenching at its best. I'm so glad you're here.
 
Big hugs to you and you mom.

Thanks for telling us your story. That is so sad. Go to college .....talk to counsellors and don't be afraid of therapists...look up stuff on the net..I have been fighting depression and winning. I am not on any anti psych drugs but If I really needed to use them I would...but I still prefer natural meds if possible but will certainly use meds and doctors! YOU Go young man! Keep up the good work. By the way...check out laughing yoga on the internet...your mom needs seritonin, get her smiling all the time...and eat bananas...it helps depression.
 

Human Again

Silver Meritorious Patron
Hey Danger,

I am hooked in reading your story. You have found a way of saying the worst things in a way that makes them bearable even if they weren't in real life and yet still gives us an understandining of what you went through. I know I have no reason to but I am proud of you taking your Mom and going and making a life despite all the shit that was heaped on you. I haven't always been on my Mom's side, and I think there were times when I make the wrong choices. You seem to have made a lot oof right ones lately- big hug.

Illness being considered "out-ethics" is un-freaking-believable from the outside, huh?

I hope you do get loads of "case gain" ( I hate the words but we know what we mean when we use it) from telling your story and stating your viewpoint on the board - I know I have I have grown and found myself freeer in my thinking and happier and less tense and rocklike - in fact I have become human again.

ANyhow, welcome again and I look forward to hearing more from you.
 

dchoiceisalwaysrs

Gold Meritorious Patron
Welcome Danger Turnip.

What spunk! You went through all that and yet you laugh. My :hattip: to you.

I think you write marvelously:thumbsup:

So nice to have you here my friend.:happydance:
 
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